in love and in pain

im in love again. that much is sure. but there are a lot of things, unheard of, that I'm not sure with. the first question that im boggled with is WHY. of course it's never a wonder because it's always the first w-question asked in every situation...but this time, my kind of why is different. it's not a question of why im in love, why now or why him but rather a question of why all of a sudden. maybe because i brought it upon myself because I want to be around him as much as possible. i wanna hear him laugh, feel his hand on my shoulder and see him everywhere i look. it's ridiculous because never in a million years would i imagine myself slowly falling for someone like him. And I wanna call him "Sun" because he lights up everything he touches. but all of a sudden, in a range of just days, boom! i keep thinking about him, i wanna see him, hug him, strangle him...everything. and what's more abusrd is that I fell for someone who I know in a thousand millenia would never ever see me as someone more than a friend. And so did I. In the first place, he was just like a big brother to me and I love being around him because he makes me laugh and I get the chance to make others laugh too. What i didn't realize is that with every moment that we share something embarrassing, something dirty like we always do, those friendly feelings are slowly developing into something more intimate, something that I think is sandwiched between platonic and romantic love. Well, as a friend, I've always loved him like I loved my other friends and I get weirdly jealous if i see these girls flirting with him. but i ignored it because i also get jealous if i see my girl friends, especially the friendly ones like Panyang, talk as if sharing a secret to someone else. but now that jealousy i feel when i see him around other ladies is more painful and more painful because he's like this magnet who pulls every girl towards him. hmmn...well...not only is he a gentleman, he has one of the biggest hearts ever...(i can't believe im writing this)

another big problem is that one of my closest friends share the same feeling for him. and the jist? instead of getting in the way, i actually acted like this stupid bridge bringing them both together and at the same time getting closer to both of them. well, how will i explain this shithole im in? problem is i love them both, i love the girl and the guy and the girl deserves a move-on so im sort of setting them free. surprisingly, it didn't hurt as much as i thought it would. maybe because i like seeing my friends happy more than i like seeing myself happy. im not practicing martyrdom or anything but it's just a natural thing for me to hurt myself for the sake of the people i care for. and all i could do is write my pain because i couldn't show it to anyone. *sighs* but the big question there is, if i continue doing that, when will I be happy? i think i would be able to figure that out soon. and besides, i don't think "Sun" will light on my heart forever because i really don't think we have what it takes to be a couple. and even if we did, the odds will be huge and i believe we don't have the capacity to go against them. so as i write this entry, im breaking free from any romantic feelings that I have for him and i say "I love you goodbye"