On an Ironic Slump

I've been fairly lazy these past couple of weeks. I haven't changed my sheets in over a month; my laundry heap is almost at height with my portable closet, which is now starting to fall off; I can't concentrate on my job for more than an hour; and I feel stagnant and stuck in a muddle of boring constancy.

A friend asked me last night if I believed the world would end in December. I told her a part of me does. Why else would I feel so restless about my job that isn't even stressing me out? Why would I suddenly feel anxious about seeing the world and ticking things off my bucket list? And why do I find so much significance in the fact that I was born on a Thursday, my birthday this year is on a Thursday, and the world will end exactly the day after that? And today is Thursday, I might as well add.

Last weekend I was in Palawan with a friend. The trip was everything (well, sort of) I imagined it would be. I needed that break, but inasmuch as I hoped it would magically rejuvenate me back to being office-inspired, it didn't. It probably made me worse. I am getting less and less productive every day, and I feel bad about it. My company and my client deserve better performance; they had been so understanding and gracious about my whims.

I don't exactly where or how I would attribute this condition. Maybe it's the work; I've always known office work is never going to cut it for me. Maybe it's the loneliness, but I have long given up about him and me that it doesn't really bother me anymore.

Or maybe it's the disappointment.

Of all the people who congratulated me when I graduated and tried to tell me what I should do with my life, I was the one with the biggest expectations. I wanted to try the little jobs for a while just to see if I could do it. And I'd learned that I could, but with so much doubt and weight and lethargy. I am meant for something huge, of this I am sure. I guess I'm just really tired of figuring out what it is.

So now I'm trying to look for distractions. Archery? The cello? Kenjutsu! Maybe even boxing.