stay

"you say i only hear what i want to, i don't listen hard, don't pay attention to the distance that you're running to anyone, anywhere, don't understand if you really care im only hearing negative"

god i hate myself. i don't understand why it is so hard to get over him! i mean i spent a goddamn year just to stop myself from thinking and i thought i was over him but yesterday, his frickin hair ruined it all. *sighs* oh my god, he lookes so handsome with his hair pushed back and all that. i just couldn't help blushing when he starts talking to me and the way he touched my hair this morning...oh my god. im afraid im starting to fall again. i don't want to. im enjoying my life without worrying about crushy things...im sick and tired of that. it's always this feeling and then i get hurt again. it's so unfair. why can't i ever move on? it's like he's cursed to be forever engraved in my mind. and im cursed to never exist in his. i thought i could act normal but i guess i get tired of lying, too.


and now i can't walk pass him without getting butterflies because of his scent. the way i blush around him is entirely different than i do with other guys. it's like my whole body is in heat and right then and there i wanna tell him how i feel. but that will never happen because i vowed to myself i would only keep my feeling to myself. it's over. done. i don't want him to stay in my life and it's just weird how at the same time, i find myself missing him if he's not.

this chirstmas, all i want is freedom. absolute, real freedom. no strings, no regrets, just pure freedom. i wanna live my life alone, go through high-school without having to worry about crazy things boyfriends and girlfriends worry about. i wish to never fall in love again....that way....things remain bland and random...which is exactly why i exist.