A Foreboding Feeling

I have a foreboding feeling. It's somewhere between fear and anticipation. I don't know what it's trying to tell me. But I'm scared because I keep thinking about my mom. I still don't know how to tell her about the ring. Every time I think about it, my heart races crazy. And it's all my fault. I also broke my Globe Visibility Broadband last Friday because I was so pissed. There was no connection and I needed to send my feature article to Ate Denise ASAP. Anger Management Issues come in and I go wild. When my friends came back, I drank Vodka and got a little buzzed. And now I fucking regret it. There are a lot of things you regret doing when you're angry. One of them is this. But sometimes, when you have lost far too many things, the feeling somehow comes naturally to you. Like somehow, someway, anytime, you are bound to lose something. I've never been able to keep something that lasts. The people, the things I have in my life, either I lose them or they go away voluntarily. And when people go away, I don't do anything to stop them. Because it's always been my belief that you can't stop people from doing what they want. If they really want to stay, they will. But if they want to leave, I should just let them go and get on with my own life.

Maybe that's why I've never really had a real bestfriend. Or something close to a relationship. Because I'm scared that somehow along the way, I'm going to lose them. And I have lost a lot of best friends and I keep having new ones and I lose the connection right away. Maybe it's them or myabe it's me. I'm a scaredy-cat. A chickenshit. But so far, nobody, NOBODY has ever seen that. Nobody has figured out that I'm always afraid. Nobody's ever dared to break that wall and try to see who I really am. One thing I've always observed in people is that they are so consumed in their own lives, in their own feelings, in their own talents that they sometimes forget that others have those too. That's why I sometimes wish I wasn't born with this kind of sensitivity. It hurts sometimes.