thinking out loud...

i've been thinking a lot lately. lots of stuff. lots of dreams.

my good friday was supposed to be good but it wasn't. i had a tantrum and would have killed my own sister right then and there. well anyway, i don't wanna talk about it. i don't want to talk about my thursday either, which didn't turn out so good as well. my friends were supposed to come over and have our last chat together...before the soccer team leaves for the Palaro and Steffi goes back to Luzon. But something unexpected happened...rain.

it was funny but i couldn't find it in myself to hate the rain. i simply told myself maybe there was a reason why we weren't able to gather. i hate to write it down but at that same thursday, after ezra called, i found myself staring at the phone, my heart racing. i didn't want to think i was hoping he would call back, like he said he would, but somehow i knew that he wouldn't. true enough, he didn't. but i don't want to ask myself "why" anymore because it only hurts me more. instead, i prayed silently and asked god to help me get over the things that were bothering me.

three straight days. couldn't sleep, couldn't think of anything else except him. i am so tired of going back to this phase over and over again. and not only does it hurt twice, it's also getting frequent. today, i went with my mom to go and do the station of the cross. i had no idea how rough it was going to be. i thought it was just one of the processions. turns out i was mistaken. we had to walk, then neil, then walk and neil again. imagine us doing that for 14 times. i know i sound whine-y but im not really complaining. after all, i owe Jesus that much of a sacrifice. i was trying to start a new chapter of the fictions i created a year ago but found no way of doing that. i read the five people you meet in heaven but my whole body was sore so i slept in the whole morning.

well, i wrote this entry not because i want to but because i felt like i need to. these past few days have been hard on me. my heart, my mind, my soul...i feel like they're all against me. i don't want to get hurt again but somehow, hurt is all i get. i'm not blaming anyone for the pain. i don't even blame him. i know i have to feel this way and now that i am, im getting sick and i want to break free. and yet, even so, there's a little part of me that wants to hold on.

so this morning, after our strenous stations of the cross, i prayed to God and asked him for a sign. signs. he doesn't know it's the biggest thing we have in common. he says he believed in signs...but signs are what makes my faith. i believe in God because he gave me signs, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't if he didn't. i made a pact with God. i told Him that if he wouldn't call before Monday or if we don't see each other that same day, i would forget everything that i feel and move on. i know it isn't easy but that's the only sign i have to believe in.

and if signs do exist, well maybe a chance between the two of us exist as well...