Frienship

i can't stop thinking last night...i almost found it hard to close my eyes and sleep.

i kept thinking about what i said, to my friends, especially to ezra. i thought maybe i held back a little, that i haven't really told them the whole story, the whole of what i kept in my heart for so long. when we went to that beach last saturday, i cried the whole night and couldn't sleep. i wasn't really sure if it was because i was sad that these wonderful people would someday leave me for good or if it was because i was overwhelmed with happiness because, after all these years of search, i finally understood what friendship really is. it was after when i actually talked to God that i realized that i was crying because of both.

when i came to llci, i came to learn. that was what i always thought. i didn't like the place when i came there because the people were snobbish and looked very cold, if not arrogant. so all i did was focus on my studies because that's what i thought high-school was about. you know, learning what makes stuff move, why these, how those...random things. so during first quarter, i rose to the top and everyone talked about it. i get to have my 30 seconds of fame after all. so then, the four of us (dolly, michelle, pheby and myself) were called to ms. sunit and she demanded a decision: will we stay...or leave? that time, i already made friends with section b so it was really hard to choose. but then i thought that maybe there's more to section a than section b always described to us. it was a scary place, they say. i was a little afraid but i decided to transfer anyway.

so section a it was: the big scary place where i found the most beautiful people that ever existed. i was seated next to ezra who took the confidence out of the deepest nook that i hid them. i guess he deserves my biggest thanks for making me a person i never thought i was, someone confident, someone outspoken, someone real. it took me so long to discover who i really am and then he came and i realized that it was through this boy that i discovered myself. we grew really close and he introduced me to steffi and carl. i just can't help but smile when i remember those silly things we used to do when we couldn't do anything else. days passed by and one day i just realized that i had something else for ezra, something more than friendship. i wouldn't call it love because i don't think i was apt, for my age, to feel such a strong emotion for someone i just met over a quarter. but i did like him. and then he started calling me every night and we would talk until 4 am. he told me a lot of secrets, so did i. he treated me more than a friend but i knew he felt nothing towards me beyond that. i was never a person who expects something more so i just kept everything to myself. i've always been jealous. not because of ezra, but i was jealous OF ezra. it was because he found it very easy to talk to people and he was always popular. he always manages to smile and be cool and stuff like that. everybody liked him. but even so, he was one of the best friends ive had and i couldn't do anything to hurt him. there were times when i really hated his guts, him for accusing of things and making me take the first move to say sorry. i was always a person of ego but when it came to him, even i could swallow my pride.

third year he stopped calling and there was a time when i was really, really hurt that i struggled to find ways to forget him. then i had mark. i couldn't say i used him because at one time, i felt the same way for him as i did for ezra. he was a nice guy and he makes me feel really special. so i was thankful that slowly, my feelings for ezra decreased but i couldn't deny that they were still strong. fourth year came and i was glad we weren't classmates. at the later quarters, the feelings STOPPED. I look at him and i don't see that same things as when i do when i was still attracted. he touches me and i don't feel anything. it's like they just disappeared. and i don't look for him anymore and i don't look at the phone wishing he would call. and i was pretty happy that i managed to let him go, let myself go.


end of the year came and graduation day where i cried all my heart out.god, i couldn't stand the truth that sooner or later, i might not be with my friends anymore. so we went to the beach and had our last official party where we had an open forum and allowed our secrets to pour out. everybody thanked me but it's me that should be thanking them. i might have lost a good 2000 pesos or so but i've gained a moment with my friends where i could tell them how much i love them and care for them and that i would willingly, with all my heart, exchange all the material things i have just to see them smile and hear them laugh. at the end of the day, when i went to bed, i thanked God for giving me these people and for the whole new light he gave to what we all call 'friendship'.

it was in that blue van of dolly that i truly realized what it meant. it means pain and a lot of sacrifices. it means 3-hour talks and several wrestling sessions. it means falling in love over and over again until your heart is completely broken and just waiting for your friends to pick up the pieces and make you whole again. it means jokes that either hurt or tickle. it's all about movie marathons and sleepovers. it involves a lot of food, pancit cantons and cokes. it's about being there for each other and being free to make mistakes. it's about being imperfect and being loved for those imperfections. friendship is about posing for the camera and getting the picture whole. it's about forgiving yourself and forgiving your friends, about hugs and kisses, about discovering each other. friendship is the best thing you could have in your life especially when you share it with very wonderful people. to steffi, panyang, gael, ytel, dara, pamila, shiela fe, dolly, jaye, alyssa, michelle, caren, angela, emmylou, ezra, francis, raymund, earl, richmond, antonieto, mark and to my other friends...i hope you know how i love you guys and how HAPPY i am to experience the true meaning of high-school with you. we will soon
part ways but i know that as long as we remain friends, we will always be just within reach.

oh and i've come up with this equation: high-school = friendship

just want you all to know that kung manglayas mo sa inyong balay, kung masirad-an mo, kung kigutom mo or kung la lang mo'y lingaw, just knock and shout sa balay and i'll welcome you. i always feel light, happy, something that i don't think any word can describe or express, when you guys are here sa house, just chilling. i'll miss you all. i hate goodbyes but they are a part of life so as much as i hate to type it down, i know i have to. goodbye.