Not All Gains Are Positive

There has always been an issue with me about weight. It fluctuates too damn frequently. I spend months and months of controlled diet and gain it back over a single weekend of french fries and chicken.

My hormones are probably at fault for my gain this time, but haven't I been blaming them too much for all the irresponsible things I say and do these days? I can't cower forever behind PMS. I have to suck it up and just admit that I have a crumbling grasp on my temper and appetite.

I feel so angry all the time! Experiencing the slightest technical lags sends me off edge, and the urge to tell people "fuck you, pick your shit up" has been especially strong these days. The only thing that somehow calms me is indie music and the thought of babies and animals.

Normally I don't mind gaining a little weight because I know I can lose them in a week of strict diet; but when people start to notice and tell me "you gained weight, haven't you?" and it becomes a herculean struggle of twisting and ass-sucking to fit into my favorite pair of jeans—then I know I am fucked.

My favorite jeans—I call 'em "weight jeans"—is the only authority I trust during these times:

When I lose weight, they will fit me perfectly: I don't have to wriggle and writhe like a worm. When I gain weight (as I have now), they will become almost impossible to raise toward my waist. They will get stuck on my knees, and I will have to jump up and down and chant "suck it in" in my head like an idiot before I can finally close them done.

Sure people will say, "Nobody cares if you become a little fat," "You're still cute anyway," or my favorite, "What matters is the inside" to make you feel better. Bullshit. Bull-fucking-shit. People will care and they will call you an ugly fat bitch in their minds. Even when I can't hear it, I don't want people to think of me that way. It's the trauma talking and yes, I am aware I probably need therapy to cure me of my obsession for vanity but it's the ugly truth. No matter what pseudo-inspirational pep talk people give you, you know the outside appearance always matters.

But I am not going to talk about beauty and health and fitness more than I already have. This is a little sensitive topic for me because it brings back so many horrible memories from my childhood. What I really want to say anyway is I need to go jog and do aerobics again. I need those jeans to fit me perfectly again, so perfect that I will need a belt to hold it steady on my waist. This kind of vanity isn't for other people. Really, it isn't. When you've experienced bullying because of weight, you do it for yourself—so you can face the world with the confidence and pride that's been taken away from you.

So starting today, I am that person again.