Getting Broke

I'm getting broke. Fast.

Have I mentioned that on Friday, Patette and I pigged out at Shakey's? Yes, and there went the money I put aside to buy a new printer. And also yesterday, when I was about to step out to buy a drama series to occupy myself for the coming days, we went out again. What was initially supposed to be just cheese strussel and coffee at Julies which would usually cost less than 20 pesos turned out to be a Mango Frost and a Choco Banana Muffin at Figaro's which cost me 200 pesos. And now, I barely have budget for this week. Thank God though that parents will be coming on Wednesday for Nikki's birthday, and probably to check on me. And of course that implies that I'd have to clean the room and hide whatever it is that they might not want to see. It also spells another thing: MONEY. Haha, guess I won't be too broke this week!

Rehearsals were good yesterday, I enjoyed myself. Today too was fun. Before we rehearsed the scenes, we did few acting drills which were really fun. Apparently, Aaron and I are being typecast as a couple. Heh. Imagine Colonel Pickering and Mrs. Pearce having an affair haha. So Anyway, I went to mass today, too. After the rehearsals, I went to meet with Dara and Lynjun for dinner. My money was enough luckily. I'm really tired right now and I'll probably sleep after I post this. So, all in all, my Sunday is good. Hoping Monday will be too!

This I Have to Say

Friday was the day I had too much to eat. Literally! My stomach could barely hold it in! It was because after play rehearsals, Patette and I had a spur-of-the-moment hunger and we jumped out of the jeep to eat in Shakey's. I wasn't THAT hungry but I was nonetheless hungry.

Rehearsals were okay. I had fun because we kept goofing around about Mrs. Pearce and Colonel Pickering getting a kissing scene of their own. Well, anyway, we'll be rehearsing today, too so come what may.

It's Saturday morning and I haven't got much to say yet except that I am utterly disappointed with this one person. It's so shameful to watch someone undergo a process of slow eventual damage. More so if you actually witness it. I am never the type of person to judge other people so I reserve my judgment until the day comes when this person either changes for the better or ruins his/her life completely. But now, all I can say is that I am disappointed. He/She has so much to give, smart and attractive and funny, and yet, he/she wastes herself over this humdrum useless gathering of vices.

But I guess there is something to learn from other people's mistakes. Seeing this person under the influence of alcohol and what-not makes me want to be better. And I want to be better. I want to understand why he/she is doing this to his/herself but truthfully, I really don't get it. Family reasons, perhaps? That's a fucking lame excuse. I grew up without a father and barely a mother and I'm not out there destroying my life. But I guess it goes to show how people can be vulnerable to the world. I think this person is special and I hate to see him/her waste away all the good things that he/she has.

*sigh* In the end though, all I can do for this person is to be there for him/her and pray that one day, he/she can see that the world is so much more beautiful that what other people try to make it seem. Ma, I am ending here.

An Empty Thursday

I should have gone hoome!! Rehearsals were canceled today and that put the icing on the cake. I absolutely did not do anything significant today. Well, except that I finished my assignments and finally found a copy of Skip Beat!, today was really, really empty.

I'm starting to feel lonely again. And I haven't felt lonely since..well...a very long time. Maybe I'm just feeling a little homesick. *sighs* I want to go home so bad I'm starting to regret I'm part of the cast. But of course, I'll never absolutely regret it. It's always been an ambition to star in a real production. My role is not really significant but I'm proud of myself.

Rehearsals though weren't what I pictured it to be. I can't put it to words but I think something is missing. Oh well. I guess I'll be watching Skip Beat! all night.

Wednesday

Today is Genesis', Adam's and Jarvin's Birthday. I greeted all of them via text. Ah I was so happy to receive their replies, especially Kuya Gen's since we don't text too much. We have no classes today so I agreed to go out with Sam.

I enjoyed it because we got to catch up with each other. She made me wait an hour though. I was okay with it because I entertained myself by squiring the national bookstore. I taught her the basics of Russian. Before that, we had lunch at Moon's. AAAhh!! I am so full right now! Then we went to Seattle's for coffee. I realized that Starbucks is much preferable. I told her I'd leave early for rehearsals so I left at 2.30.

Sordy and Godece already left last night for Leyte. I was sooo envious! I want to goo hoome so badly!! But we have rehearsals and not going home will be the price of being in the cast. Well, anyway. We still have no classes tomorrow. Oh well, seems like some okay day for me.

But I hope though that today will be happy for the birthday boys. They're all nice guys. They deserve to feel special today. So I'm ending today's post here.

First Rehearsals

I stick to my word that skipping a major class like English31 to make a report for a minor subject like Physical Science is crazy. But I'm going to be honest. I was really bent on skipping but then I realized that I didn't want to see a highlighter instead of my signature on the attendance list. So I came. Still. Haha

I was glad I came because we had a short quiz and I didn't get to report in PhyScie. I imagine I'd be throwing a fit if I skipped. So I spent the rest of the afternoon sleeping. It wasn't a good siesta because I kept waking up to pee. I keep peeing these days and the left side of my abdomen hurts. I told my mom about it and she said they were signs of Urinary Tract Infection and I had to take an anti-biotic. I don't get it. A part of me is actually looking forward to getting UTI...am I the weirdest or what?

So I had my first rehearsals today for our play. We are doing My Fair Lady which is technically based on George Bernard Shaw's Pygmalion. I got the part of Mrs. Pearce. I wanted Mrs. Higgins but Mrs. Pearce is also okay. At least I get to say something, right? So anyway, I enjoyed it. I could say I was surprised to discover that JC is GOOD. He's really good! He knows how to put stresses and use intonations on his lines and his facial expressions are flawless too. Patette was of course, as expected, great. Her cockney is good too. Danica has to improve on hers a bit but she's nonetheless got it. I'm not sure about Aldwin being Mr. Higgins though. He has good voice projection but his lines sound monotonous. Well anyway, I'm sure everyone's going to improve once we get the hang of rehearsals. Sir Eugene is okay as a director, at least he's not too uptight. Or maybe because we're still at the beginning. The rehearsals excite me at really high levels but I'm sad because I wouldn't be able to go home because of them. We're going to be rehearsing like crazy starting this week until of course the play dates.

I'm kind of hoping my parents could come and watch. My role is small but at least they could watch me do my thing for once. Speaking of parents, ah, I miss them sooo much!!! I want to gooo hoooome!!! Godece and Sordy are leaving for Leyte tonight which makes me really upset. *tears* And we don't have classes tomorrow and Thursday. *sighs*

My only source of consolation is that this play will be worth it. Which I'm sure it will be. When I think of that, I'm not so sad anymore. Oh well. I end here.

Dolly's Birthday

Yesterday was Dolly's Birthday! She's turning 19 this year..and so will the rest of us haha. Scaaary. Anyway, I had soo much fun!

I wasn't really planning on going at first because I wasn't in the mood to go out. Yesterday was also the first rehearsals for the cast and some of us were confused if we had to go or not. But when Dolly texted me that we were her only guests, I had to come. It's hard to say no to something like that.

So I met with Earl and Lynjun at E-mall at ll.40, Jaye and Alyssa came at around 12 and as expected, we left at around 12.15. We also bought this mango float-ish cake for Dolly which was really yummy. When we got to her house, no one else was there but her family. We were a bit shy but then we eventually warmed up. The eating started and the next thing I knew, I was having the fullest moment of my life. I was just so full I felt like I was going to throw up anytime! I hadn't eaten that much food since our fiesta! My poor stomach!

So we stayed there for around four hours, still eating (even if there was barely room) and talking. I wanted to go to Ayala to buy *that* but they insisted we should go to mass together. Seriously, if people had friends like mine, they wouldn't be off doing drugs or wasting themselves on alcohol. But we had beer of course, which I didn't indulge myself in because the smell by itself is already vomit-inducing. So we walked to Church and heard mass and parted ways.

I went to Ayala and on the way, was able to talk to Sir Khleint. Haha he's still soo talkative! And then I went home. My original plan was to sleep directly but I found Lori watching My Boss my Hero so I watched with her. Ah it never gets old!

But another little thing that made me happy today was when Ezra called Dolly, he asked for me to be put on the phone and we talked for about a minute. It was awkward, I didn't know what to say. That made me happy because that proved that somehow, I was missed. There's also that other thing but I won't be reading too much into it. Don't want to risk my heart out there a second time.

On the whole anyway, yesterday was a good day. A little windy and rain-y but it was exactly my kind of weather. Today is Monday and I only have two classes. Right now, I'm thinking of skipping English 31 to make my report in Physical Science but I think that doesn't make sense. Haha.

Long Time No Write

I realized today, thanks to that seminar we had this afternoon, that I needed to write here again. I don't really know why I stopped. But looking back, I think it was because my life got to a point where I just can't write things anymore and just enjoy stuff without having to type down every detail of it. But I guess that was just me being a lazy bum. I have realized now that writing is a part of who I am.

I didn't really wanna go to today's seminar because it's journalism and I'm not really into that kind of writing. But I'm glad I did go. The seminar's speaker was amazing. She's an Filipino-American entertainment journalist named Nadine Mendoza. She talked about how she started with a small dream which eventually introduced her to the industry of writing of and about celebrities. It sounds a hassling job but she sounds just like the type of person who could do stuff like that and be good at it. I've never dreamed of becoming a journalist but now that I have met her, I feel like I could also take that path.

My dream, back when I was still six, was to be an actress. The writing part came a little much later when I got addicted to reading and discovered I could also write stuff. I've known because something in my gut have always told me that I was born to be part of the entertainment industry. I wanted attention, I knew how to keep it when I had it. I love being recognized. It's just that feeling when you know you're meant to do something but don't actually understand what that something is. I know, I just know, that I was not meant to be just ordinary. I know someday, a lot of people will know who I am. I am sure of that.

I also know that people have to start small. I'm not gonna lie and say that I was okay when they told me I wasn't part of the major cast list of our play. I think I was disappointed with myself because I allowed myself to get attached to that thought that I'd be someone needed in that production. But thinking about it allowed me to realize that I have to accept whatever they give me. I have to start at the bottom. I do not have a right to be arrogant or proud. I am just a part of the play. It doesn't revolve around me.

So anyway, I feel better now that I am writing this down. I'll try to write everyday but knowing myself, it is more likely that I will not be able to do that. But I WILL write as much as possible.

I'm really feeling that English major spirit right now. Which is good. So I am ending the first post of many other posts to come (hopefully ;-)).

The Thing About Moving

The thing about moving is that:

1. You need boxes. And I've thrown every single one I had. So, I stuffed everything into big bags with medicinal generic names on them. The electric fan and cooler, we had to carry without wrapping them with anything.

2. You need friends...to help you. Because you can't carry a gigantic stroller you can't carry by yourself. And you can't straddle two backpacks on your back at once and both your arms will probably break if you try to carry four big bags on each of them.

3. You need cash. One, because Talamban is 30 minutes away and two, because taxi drivers are not usually nice and they will ask for extra cash whenever there is an opportunity to do so.

4. You need strength. First, to pack all your stuff. Second, to carry them. Third, to unpack them. Fourth, to get them all settled.

5. You have to clean the bathroom. Because the previous occupant of the room apparently wanted to give you a nasty cleaning job as a bequeath-al gift.

6. You can't watch a horror movie during your first night. Because if you do, the marks on the wall will freak you out and you will not be able to sleep at all.

7. You have to buy what it is you want to buy when you find yourself in the city. Because if you don't, you'll have to walk a kilometer to find a store that sells the thing you need.

8. You have to constantly watch for jeeps because Talamban has no side-walks and if you are careless, you will find yourself run over by a 13C and that is a bust because 13Cs are big jeeps and will squish you really bad.

9. You have to have activities in mind because when things get boring, which is probably the case 90 percent of the time, you will find yourself talking to yourself in the bathroom. And when this continues, you might get really insane in no time.

10. You have to have music with you. Because the quiet in your new place will drive you crazy.

11. You can't expect that the guys in your new place are cute. Because even if they are, they are already married...to their computers.

12. You make a blog entry about moving because you have to get over the whole hassling thing. And you have to chill because it's over.

What Happened During the Second Sem?

Was it better or worse than the worst semester which was last semester? Hmmn. It was better, loads better. Here's why:

1. God seems to find it funny to throw me in a class with my crushes. I'm talking about him and the other him. I know I was praying for it but I didn't realize it would actually happen. And when it did, it wasn't what I hoped for. Well, sometimes, I get the occasional blushes and several days of having brain-freeze because him and othe other him are all I could think about..but you know...nothing happened. No hey-I-could-be-your-boyfriend moments. What the hell. It was good nothing happened because I realized that I DON'T want anything to happen. He is too snobbish and he is too proud. I've figured I want neither of them.

2. Dr. Hope S. Yu. She is like the most amaaaazing teacher you could ever have! I was glad Chemistry was almost dissolved and I had to drop Language studies and take Poetry and Fiction. It was all twisted but I think I was meant to be in her class. And to think we were just of-shoots from the original class because we were too many and some of us (our group) had to transfer to an earlier schedule. We had sooo much fun! The discussions were full of insight and Dr. Hope is just aaahh she is so amaaazing!! And we did this suitcase epic thing for our finals..I really enjoyed it.

3. Lots of hang outs with friends. With my high-school friends and the Spice girls plus manager. The staff in McDonalds must be sick of us because we were always hanging out 'till 1 am to talk and laugh and get really noisy. We also created a habit of going to mass together 5:30 pm at the USC chapel. Ain't that sweet? For the spice girls, well, we had lots of ice cream and sleepovers and we went karaoke. And we danced. And went wall climbing and taebo and decorated boxes. We also passed around this green rubber in a ritual we call "the sisterhood/brotherhood (because of Paul) of the traveling condom" haha I still laugh everytime I try to think about it.

4. Uhm..got sortof addicted to the stick. But no worries, I'm quitting it.

5. I had to pull consecutive all nighters to write research papers for minor subjects. Yeah, no typos right there, it's the minors who have requirements such as these.

6. I didn't get sick!! Yay!!

7. I got my laptop I named Night.

8. No more ReEd and PE!! But it was worth it. I AM SOOO HAPPY I enrolled in the 6:00 class for REED..it was soo fun and I really did learn lots of things. Ms. Marte, our teacher, was the doll. I really, really love her.

9. I grew up a bit. I did. On the whole, I realized a lot of things. I'm a 100% pure masochist but I don't think I will allow anyone to trample on my dignity just because they think I won't get mad. I can't tolerate being used anymore. People have to realize that once they rub off on my bad side, it's that. No more ms. nice girl.

10. I didn't do any dieting. What the effin hell,who cares anymore?

So basically, that's is all I could write for now. I'm growing bollocking lazy huh considering this is my first update in three months. Well anyway. Here's here.

solitude

the rain falls heavily on the roof

as if telling tiny stories

outside my window

so this is how it feels

when anger eats you up like

a monster

when solitude licks your skin

and fills up every starving pore

i'm all alone.

a lost shoe in the middle

of a wet hard marble road

abandoned, forgotten

is there anyone to claim me

from the coldness of this hour

from the chains of eternity i take

no pleasure in disovering

i am just alone.

a black diary with blank notes and

a set of rainbow colored pens

that know all the secrets

i am getting tired of thinking

that i love you and have no way

of giving freedom to the words that

have been longing to be claimed by your lips

i love you and you don't love me and still

i love you

i am still alone.

this boy i have met or

have never met and

will never meet again

pain is so sweet especially

when it is written in poetry

when the words make the bruises

sound like they are marshmallows

pink and soft and fluffy all over

i do not want to be alone.

a book of poems about

promises and memories and places

it's as if her words were all mine

if it were possible to forget you

to make your secret smile and your

warm eyes and the way your hair falls

over your head explode like boiling stars

from the cages of my memory i would have

raced time to get to the only way i can

i will not be alone.

Late New Year Post (of a frustrated stranded person)

I just realized that I haven't at all written anything for the new year and so, here it is. First things first, I'm feeling lucky this year. I don't know why but I do. Maybe such feelings were triggered by the several occasions my friends and I spent going to the pool, to a spring, to my house. And not only that, I feel kind of warm too, like every moment, I feel something wonderful is going to happen.

As I write, I am stranded here in Leyte, struggling not to bite my nails as I worry if ever I could find my ass in Cebu in time for classes tomorrow. There's this tropical depression and the coast guards won't let any goddamn ship sail because the coastal waters are going to be rough. There's no rain though and no wind so that kind of appends frustration to my worry. Although this has been the fondest memory of Christmas vacation that I could so far save in my cerebral cortex, I miss school and my friends at school. It's fun pigging out everyday and seeing trees and sleeping and waking up late but I feel useless. In school, I have function, I could directly tell myself that I'm needed so I want to go back.

2009 sounds good, I think I'm definitely going to be much, much better. I don't really believe in that new year resolution crap because no one should wait until new year to change. And besides, no one ever sticks to them anyway so why fucking bother. Also, I am not going to write a long list or summary of what happened last year. Suffice it is to say that it was a hard year, colored by countless curses and lies and stupid enmities and thunderstorms and power outages and frustrations about love, beauty and health. Also, that year, I seemed to distance myself from my high school friends. There were times when I seriously didn't want to hear anything from any of them. I don't know, I guess we just kind of drifted apart... what with different colleges and different new cirlce of friends. I think we were going through, in lovers' vocabulary, a rough patch. But we worked it out this Christmas. Once again, we were in high school and we were never away from each other. It's crazy how one moment I thought we were strangers and the next we're all the best of friends. Only they could do that. And that's probably why I kind of love so much.

Hmn aside from the bad stuff, the good thing about last year was its degree of insanity. Well, I'm not sure if insane is a good thing but if insane is there, fun is not so far away. And fun I did have. My college friends are one of the best group of people I could ever come across to in my life. They're all smart and funny and they're game for anything. And all these crazy ideas just keep pouring out. And last year I turned 18 too. Nothing to elaborate, nothing note-worthy happened. So this year hopefully, I could re-do the bad things and make them work for my advantage.

I'm posting a picture of the sky today. It's so gloomy. Makes you feel kind of depressed.

It's getting quiet, it's making me uneasy. My heart is beating shitty fast. Oh well, I guess I have to end this rant right here.

Christmas with Friends

I guess it'd be weird to say that I didn't expect the change I saw in my friends.

It's kind of tradition for us to get together every time we find ourselves in Isabel, bored and thingless. Whether in my house or in someone else's, we all make sure we get to see each other before we go separate ways again. Communication always works but with the individual lives we lead, even we find it hard to catch up with each other's lives.

In such get-togethers, I am always the one who gets to foot the bill. If it's not safe to say always, then I guess "more often than not" will do. I can wholeheartedly say that I DON'T MIND because when I find myself out of cash, I don't feel robbed or deprived, I feel blessed, like I've received something greater that what I gave. And that's why I love being with these people so much... because they make being broke feel so wonderful.

SO 'nuff with these senti stuff. My point is, that yesterday, I wasn't the only one who got broke. We all did. And I wasn't expecting that because normally, even though I know they have some money on them, they'd say they don't. But yesterday, yesterday, cash was readily put on the table. They were all eager to contribute something and we were cooking together and buying stuff together. I hadn't felt that kind of bonding since last year's semester break when we watched porn together (haha and before u put anything nasty to your head, when don't do nasty stuff to each other). So we bought tuna and eggs and whipped up something out of them. Haha it tasted heaven. We also had ham and some leftovers from Noche Buena. There was no good movie so some of us talked while others surfed the net.

And in between all these activities, there was the camera. Haha we're such a bunch of camwhores. My camera is bursting with our pictures and God knows how long it will take to upload all of them.

I'm guessing that for what I felt and experienced yesterday and the other night (when I caught up with them in the pool and camwhored all over Housing) with my crazy friends, this blog post is pretty lame. But I think it will suffice if I say that they made my Christmas extra-special this year, that it was refreshing to see them after months of being away, that I still love them not a mite less, that they have changed and not changed at all.

A few more days and we're going back to college. But I guess when we're together, we'll just remain in high-school forever. Totally whack and splendid.

~firefliesandsecrets

Christmas Party and Party

Okay last night was an effin blaast! It was the manifestation of several nights of practicing to walk like a bitch. Ardie was hard on us but he did a good job improving our posture, making us look fierce and teaching us how to walk the walk. And in the end, our efforts paid off. Everyone of us looked stunningly perfect (with or without clothes) and on-the-whole the fashion show was a big job-well-done.

But okay I had a lot of stuff going on BEFORE that night. My sister came and brought the influenza virus with her, making me sniff and blow and cough all over the place. Not a good time to be sick huh. So anyway, Sordy and I got to this salon to have ourselves made-up. We finished just in time but to our horror, discovered that every single taxi that passed by was full. So, in all our current finery (make-up and hair and all), we bravely walked through the night market in COLON. Yes, we WALKED. And yeah,it's a given that everybody was staring at us. 6:40 and still no taxi. We couldn't stomach that possibility that the show might start without us so, still in our finery, decided to ride a JEEP. Yes, people, we rode a jeep wearing make-up and all. The only good thing about it was that we weren't wearing our fancy dresses YET. So somehow, we snatched comfort from that fact.

We arrived, thankfully, on time. Well, not on time, but since everybody else was late, so yeah, we were on time. Ahhh! Everybody looked dazzling. Meg was there with us, too. So the show started and we were walking the walk. Everybody got hysterical when Paul took of his shirt and showed off "the kiss mark" which became "kiss marks" a little while later. Speaking of Paul, I forgot his gift in my haste to go to the salon, so I also, in a haste, went back to my boarding house to get it. And in my haste to catch the second set of modeling, I tripped on my high heels and fell down the stairs. Yes, I fell down the stairs. It was painful but I somehow didn't pay too much attention to it because I was hurrying. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to watch the second batch of models but thank God for the camera.

After the show, we had games and then took pictures and goofed around. I feel for Paul and Jonathan who were constantly ogled with screaming girls (me included haha) because they took of their shirts and thus, becoming the night's object of lust. Everyone wanted to plant a kiss on their naked (aah i am totally blushing right now) upper bodies. So yeah, I was one of them girls who harrassed these two guys. Anyway, we were friends so nothing awkward.

Night ended fast (at least to me). Spice girls plus manager exchanged gifts and I got a box of dark chocolates from Godece. We gave everyone hugs and walked together out the Hotel. We waited for our individual rides, hugged and kissed each other and said our goodbyes.

If y'all think the night ended there, you're wrong. I invited my high-school friends to a night out. Some said yes, others said no (because they were going home the same night). And in the end, it was only Lynjun who really came (except for Caren who was there with her blockmates and Keith, who said no but came anyway). I think I want to be honest and say that I was disappointed. Here I was thinking we'd all get together for a night of booze, dancing and fun and there they went cancelling at the last minute for particular reasons. I didn't want to force it so Lynjun and I just went to Autoshop to join Caren and her friends. Unfortunately we kind of didn't really enjoy ourselves so we decided to head off and find Ardie, Mark and the group of freshmen whom we met earlier. Thank heavens I found Francis ordering a case of beer and Lynjun and I joined him and the rest of his barkada. I was already tipsy so when we got into the conversation and the shots, I was already on the way to getting stoned. And stoned I was. I remembered bits of it but I know that I threw up on myself (thank God not on anyone else) and Lynjun and Keith, who came, had to bring me home. When I woke up, I felt HORRIBLE. I think it'd be an understatement to say that I was hangover. I felt like I was still drunk. So I went out, without bothering to wash any part of my body, to get starbucks. Damn americana coffee didn't work. But I guess what made me feel horrible was that I totally embarrassed myself to Lynjun, Keith and my new freshmen friends. I still can't get drinking right, I just get wasted soo easily. I would have wanted to talk more with them because they were loads of fun, the freshmen. I could see Lynjun and Keith enjoyed themselves too so yeah, I guess, the night was pretty good on the whole.

And now, as I am writing this in my house in Leyte, I am with a fever, a cough and a cold. But remembering all the crazy happy stuff that I went through yesterday, I have a reason to smile.

Summary of the Worst Semester (so far)

No, I'm not in one of my cynical I-hate-the-world moods, I am perfectly serious and normal when I say that this semester is the worst I've had so far. And they below are the reasons:

1. Meg is leaving. And it's too bad 'cause she's one of the sweetest, loveliest person I've ever met. It's hard to imagine the coming semester and years without her and her crazy ideas and her bright smile and her kisses and her hugs and just the whole of her.

2. HE is the WORST crush I've ever had. Okay, first he gave me one hell of a time figuring out if he was gay or not. Next, he dropped some clues, showed some signs that he liked me and just ignored me like I never existed! And lastly, he's a jerk. Eff him, he can go to hell.

3. My Birthday. I'm not saying my birthday was bad. In fact, I rather enjoyed it from 12-am to 8-am. Thanks to Lori and Kirk and Sordy and Godece and Danielle and the Autoshop VJ. But after they all left, dude, I felt so alone. My mom didn't even call me. And I busted my phone later that day. And I had a class in Economics. And I cried my eyes out. My eyes were so swollen Sunday morning that I just stayed home the whole day. The only good thing I remember about it was the messages from my friends and their gifts. Lori and Meg's were the nastiest stuff I've ever received. Sam and Hannah's were the sweetest.

4. FINALS. Okay, this is a picture of how my room looked like during finals week:


pretty messed up huh? got so tired of cleaning 'em that I just slept over some stuff and eventually broke some of 'em. but i'm glad it's over.

5. My Face. It started breaking out again. Damned stress! The first thing I'm gonna do when I get home is run to my dermatologist and have all my zits removed. Dammit, I look so bad these days that I can't stomach to look at the mirror.

----

Okay, those are bad things. But here are the good ones:

1. My Biology Class. Sam was a great lab partner, my teachers were kind and great and my classmates were sh*tloads of fun. I couldn't have wished for better people to be with in bio. AB Philos rock!

2. Restaurants. I've eaten in some new ones with friends and food is just a new experience everytime. But the most fun I had was last night, when we all got together, dressed up nice and basically just enjoyed ourselves with dinner and each other's company. It was the perfect ender to the worst sem. And when I got home, I kind of thought, there is no worst sem when you have these kind of people around you.

3. Friends, my AB Linguistics friends. Family really. I think we all belong to each other. I love them all to death.

4. Starbucks. Vanilla frappuccino I need you!

Okay, I am currently ransacking my brain for more good things and so far, these are the only things I could come up with. But anyway, it's all over and I'm looking forward for better things next semester. Hopefully, I don't get to see HIM (worst crush ever) and some people who think they're smarter than everyone else. I'm moving on, I feel beautiful and I'm happy. Goodbye worst sem, hello sem break!

Listening to: code by NEWS (solo of Ryo Nishikido)

Another Love Post

I don't know or remember how many times I've written about this subject. And yet, I feel there are still so many things left unwritten. I've fallen in love with different kinds of people countless of times, got my heart broken over and over again, and still here I am, blushing like a high-school girl, thinking about a guy and writing stuff about the wuzzy funny feelings he gives her.

I want to think that to be able to love is to be sure that somehow, your feelings will be returned. But I know that isn't true. Because love is unconditional and when you do love, there is absolutely no certainty that he/she will be able to give you back your feelings. I know this for a fact. And it hurts. It hurts to think that no matter what you do, you'll always be the only one who gets to feel the pain of thinking about a person the whole day and knowing they aren't thinking of you at all. It hurts to be told and shown that to them, you aren't good enough. You're not that pretty, that tall, that athletic.

And maybe this is why I'm too scared to fall in love again, to like a person and getting mad because you have absolutely no way of getting them out of your mind. Maybe it's the same reason why I can't bring myself to entertain the possibility that he might like me back. Why it extremely confuses me every time he does little things to make me smile, when he makes un-funny jokes that I laugh at anyway, when he holds my hand and smiles. Because when I tell myself, "he likes you", a bigger part of me says, "he's just being nice". And it's that bigger part who always gets to win. So I'm left staring at myself in the mirror and telling it that someone like him will never like someone like me.

But God! He makes it so easy for me to think otherwise. I just wish he wouldn't be so nice so I could just directly tell myself to fuck off. But the way he smiles...there's just so much hope in the way he smiles that it gives me a reason to believe in that stupid love thing again, to have confidence that maybe this time, someone will think I'm good enough. And maybe, just maybe, I could stop being in love with being alone.

Maybe I could finally find a reason to tell the mirror to mind its own business when it starts making me feel like major shit. I'm not a cynical person. Neither am I proud nor conceited. I won't think that a guy like him might possibly like me if he doesn't give me a reason to think so himself. I'm not selfish either. I won't fight for something that I know isn't meant for me. If he has somebody else, then I'll pig out and write a crappy blog post about how my heart has been broken for the nth time. But if this is it, if what I feel every time I look into his eyes is real and is not just some temporary high-school crush thing, then I'll thank God and find a way to make him and me an 'us'.

A Pink Sky

I'm just lazing around, facing the computer all day and suddenly everything turns to pink. I jump and rush to look at the sky. It was so unbelievably pink

It looks a bit orange in the picture but dude, when I saw the sky, I just felt...wow. Like you know when you're looking at something really beautiful and realize that it's there for you. The feeling is just wow. Plus it made me realize that today is my last day here in Leyte. And when I go back to Cebu, I'm a busy shithead.

I've a lot of things to do and so far, I haven't finished a single one. Frankly, I don't care. I don't want to think about school while I'm here. I'm at peace here. I can play the keyboard here. I can sleep and wish I'd never wake up. I can watch more than one channel here. My mom and my dad are here. It's nice to be in a place where you can just relax and not worry about anything. That's why I prefer Isabel over any other city. No matter how bland or boring this town is, this is the only place that makes me feel I belong. This is my home.

And a pink sky? I don't see that in Cebu. I hate Cebu. The only reason why I can still smile every morning is that I know I have people there that care for me. College life may be full of shit but with friends like mine, every shit is worth facing. So tomorrow I'll be back in Cebu.

I'll be leaving home again.

Today is Friday. The end of the week, the end of midterms. And so far, I have to comment on the following:

1. The weather.

It's been very fickle since Monday. One minute you're scorched by the burning sun and the next you're hurrying to somewhere roofed so as not to get yourself wet by the rain.I've loved rainy days since forever but I'm always pissed when it rains on Tuesdays because I don't get to wash my clothes and I spend whole Wednesday worrying if I get to to wear a uniform on Thursday. And well, the rain makes people late. This I can personally vouch for. Last Tuesday morning was a bit gloomy but I had NO idea it was going to rain REALLY HARD in the afternoon. As usual, I dropped by at Sam's house so we could go together for our Biology Lab practical exam. It was quarter to 1:30 when the heavens decided to flood Talambag again. I was horrified to see that there was NO way we could walk to school because the streets were turning into a big brown river. My watch screamed 1:35 and I remember Ms. Diola clearly telling the class NOT to be late. My stomach churned. It churned even more when I look at Sam and see she isn't worried a bit. Their car was broken (talk about perfect timing) so her dad made me call the guards to send over a taxi. 15 minutes had gone by and I was on the verge of biting my nails out of anxiety. No sign of the goddamned taxi. Thank God, however, the rain somehow slowed down and I can see the wet asphalt on the streets. Sam's mom had us wear plastic bags over our shoes so they wouldn't get wet. So imagine us with Teletubby feet. It was nearing 2:00 when we decided, courageously, to walk. It was, however, FAR from the depths of our knowledge that we were to encounter a HUGE BROWN SWIMMING POOL towards school. So I can totally see that Sam was really disgusted but I love stuff like that. You know, the adventure. It was fun, getting wet and dirty and flipping people off because they were totally laughing at our misfortune. Okay, so we arrived at 2:05 and thank the Lord Ms. Diola was kind enough to understand that we had to go get teletubby feet, get laughed at by people and constantly worry if we had missed the exams. In the end, I got home with a smile, a story to tell, and a flu.

2. Him

I totally missed him. Haven't seen him since last Friday and I could say that the Law of Gravitation worked here. The further you are, the less attracted you will be. Because when I last saw him, he touched my hand and to my surprise, I felt nothing. An awful nothing. So I thought maybe I didn't like him anymore. Moreover, I was thinking of him less and less everyday. Half of me was glad because I didn't have to feel so anxious when I don't see him and half of me was not so glad because I like what I feel when I see him. So today, I saw him. And voila, still head over heeels shaken. I gave him that Japanese chocolate. (hehehe) I hope he likes it.

3. My health

So the rain last Tuesday took its toll and now I'm coughing non-stop 24/7. My throat hurt, so does my nose from too much blowing and I can hardly sleep. I also got this fever but it's gone now. My step-sister had just given birth and my parents came over. I cried when I knew. So like now, I'm feeling better. I think my body is in the process of getting well. Which is good because I don't have to worry about disturbing my boardmates when I cough like a goddamned shotgun.

4. The MIDTERMS

SO far, so great. The tests weren't that hard (for me at least) and I thought I did good in all of 'em. Well, hopefully. And I sooo can't wait to get home. Another week in Cebu will kill me. I mean everything in this city is sooo NOT conducive to good health.

Okay, today is Saturday. And I'm smiling because I'm done washing my clothes. We have a meeting today at 8:00 and as usual, the rest of them started coming at 9:00 so I was left alone reading FHM, listening to Kuroki Meisa and shivering from the side-effects of the goddamned Bricanyl. After the meeting, I slept for a bit and went to SM.

I shopped for slippers and a new book. WHen I went home, Mark texted me to go back because he was treating me to a movie. I was thinking twice but then Ezra and Dara were coming so I got dressed and waited for them outside. Ezra was there and we shared an umbrella. Yeah right. SO I totally do NOT feel anything towards him anymore. And there was this big dog.

we wacthed wall e. Nice. we ate in Jollibee. we rode a jeep and got home. So far that was it. Oh and I slept with a smile. Great. :-D

One Rockin' Night

I had plans for the Acquaintance Party last night. And most of them were disappointed. Thanks to Sam, thanks to my inability to refuse. Fuck, I know. Nevertheless, the night was PERFECT.

I wanted to have myself made-up in a salon but Sam wanted to fix our hairs at 3 o'clock and I didn't want to put on make-up that early. And hello? Am I supposed to walk all the way back to their house looking like a made-up idiot? SO I figured maybe her mom could make me up. But then again, when she'd tell me to close my eyes so she could put on my eyeshadow, I wouldn't understand, would I? So hell dawned on me: I was going to have to put on the make-up on myself myself. I went cold. I'm not much of a make-up artist but I still tried. And then another hell: I forgot my concealer. Can you spell pimples? Haha. I struggled to cover them with powder but fuck, they still showed. So I sighed and told myself: "OH well, at least I look hot in my dress"

And I did. I needed to show my legs so it won't be too obvious that I'm quite short. I thought I looked quite pretty and everybody seemed to agree. I love my hair. It's so shiny. Julia (love her/him) instructed us to come at five but the Korean won't let me go so I was an hour late. But what the hell, so was everybody else! HE was already there when I arrived and dude, he looked hot! I complimented him and he gave me this heart-melting smile. Plus, I get to hear him say my name again. It was at that point that I had an inkling that the night was going to be beautiful.


True enough, I made new friends, I couldn't stop smiling and I forgot that I was barely wearing any make-up. To hell with looking good, what was important was that I felt beautiful. Meg, Patette and Anja and everybody else looked breathtaking and I couldn't be any less proud. My sister's gown looked divine on Meg. She won Ms. Friendship too. Patette got Best in Production Number and Anja Best in Gown and second runner up. I had little "encounters" with him too.

AH, his hand on my cheek. I felt my heart disintegrating. Well, haha. That was enough to make this year's acquaintance party the most memorable and enjoyable yet. Kudos to Julia!

I'm ending my post here.Because I don't think no amount of words could contain what I felt that night. It's like tasting music. Yum.

Pictures are on my friendster profile (links dude).

The Beginning

I’m sure if you’ve read some of my angst-y posts (like the one below), you’d probably concluded that I’m a dark, VERY emotional person. Well, I am. But not always. My life doesn’t revolve around anger and most of the time, I find myself genuinely laughing and smiling and having fun with the people around me: my friends, my family, strangers. They all shed light to when the nimbus clouds starts to appear. And for that, I can forget the reasons why I’m angry.

I’m writing this post because today and yesterday, I am smiling. And I can’t take it off my face. Maybe it’s because it started to rain, or because my friends are there or here is the reason that occupies most of my head these days: Him. No, not her, not Ezra, not Mark, not Joshua, not James, but Him, the beginning.

I am so not writing his name. I’m still having a hard time even mentioning it. But what is easy though is looking forward to saying hi every time the ring bells after English. I’ve got a crush on him, true, but I’m not sure if this is the lasting one (like with Ezra) or something-that-will-go-away-after-some-short-time things. One thing’s sure though, I’m stuck…and he’s making it very hard for me to extricate myself.

First, he totally knows how to knock me off with his mysterious smile. And he has this twinkle in his eyes, like he’s telling me a secret. And he’s really nice. Like yesterday, Lori and I were frantic about an non-existing speakers. She was going to sing and the song was still raw on my mp3 (yes I got it back). Thank God he was at the department when we went there and provided us with the solution. Second, dude! He thought we were going to dance! I found myself laughing inside. At least he was trying to be funny, right? I also remember him telling us to have a threesome in a singing exam. Lol. Third, he is totally humble. Even though there are girls practically dying to throw themselves at his feet, he still walks around like a normal student and even smiles at people like moi. And for me, that, is very, very attractive. Fourth, he’s smart. Well, I can vouch for it myself because he was our practicing teacher is Speech Class. Even though, he spelled occasion as ocassion, what the hell! I spelled recommendation as reccomendation. Point: everybody makes mistakes.

I am not going to write that I like him because he sings like Josh Groban. He was doing that since my freshman year and I didn’t like him then. I won’t even say I like him because he’s so cute because he’s been cute when I first saw him and I didn’t like him then. Although, his voice does fixate me and those eyes, well, let’s just say, I’ll need my pride to take mine away from staring at his.

Okay, so I’ve finally took some weight from my heart. But really, the most important factor of it all is he makes me smile and provides something for me to look forward too. I won’t make the mistake of taking these trying-to-be-funny antics, his kindness for like. If he likes me, he’ll come around. Right now, I’m sort of satisfied watching him at the corner of my eyes. And when he comes close, what will happen, will happen.

Anger

I'm really, really angry right now. And I'm crying. And resorting to self-injury.

I haven't been angry like this, ever. Right now, I feel like killing someone and I'm wishing that my sister never wakes up. I hope she dies in her sleep. This all her fault. I'm wishing I never had my friends. Last night was supposed to be wonderful, I thought it was but then they acted like prize jerks. Right now, I'm wishing I never met any one of them and for once, I was ashamed to call them friends. I hope I never see them again. This is all their fault.

Right now, I'm wishing I could stop breathing. And die. And never be alive. It sucks to live, especially when people around you don't understand you, especially when most of them cause you to be disappointed and angry and embarrassed. They're all stupid.

I don't know if what I'm feeling right now is just like an impulse-of-the-moment thing, where what you feel and think depends on your mood. Or if this is what I really feel, regardless of whether I'm angry or not. One thing's for sure though, that I'm really, really angry.

My dad is pissed because my friends dirtied the car. And I'm thinking that'll be the last time they'll be able to ride it. Sometimes, it's okay for them to hurt me and sometimes, I think I can't take it anymore. I love them, with all my heart but right now, I'm not sure if they love me back. I don't feel like talking anymore. My heart is too heavy and I finally realized that they really don't understand what I feel.

I told myself that I'd rather be angry than disappointed but now, I figured you can't be disappointed and not be angry at the same time. And both are weighing down on me worse than I'd have hoped for.

I want to sleep. And wake up somewhere different. Where there are people who won't disappoint me. But then I guess that's all a part of being alive. And that's why being alive sucks. Looking back, I guess, I'd rather be a fish. Oblivious. Unfeeling.