Anger

I'm really, really angry right now. And I'm crying. And resorting to self-injury.

I haven't been angry like this, ever. Right now, I feel like killing someone and I'm wishing that my sister never wakes up. I hope she dies in her sleep. This all her fault. I'm wishing I never had my friends. Last night was supposed to be wonderful, I thought it was but then they acted like prize jerks. Right now, I'm wishing I never met any one of them and for once, I was ashamed to call them friends. I hope I never see them again. This is all their fault.

Right now, I'm wishing I could stop breathing. And die. And never be alive. It sucks to live, especially when people around you don't understand you, especially when most of them cause you to be disappointed and angry and embarrassed. They're all stupid.

I don't know if what I'm feeling right now is just like an impulse-of-the-moment thing, where what you feel and think depends on your mood. Or if this is what I really feel, regardless of whether I'm angry or not. One thing's for sure though, that I'm really, really angry.

My dad is pissed because my friends dirtied the car. And I'm thinking that'll be the last time they'll be able to ride it. Sometimes, it's okay for them to hurt me and sometimes, I think I can't take it anymore. I love them, with all my heart but right now, I'm not sure if they love me back. I don't feel like talking anymore. My heart is too heavy and I finally realized that they really don't understand what I feel.

I told myself that I'd rather be angry than disappointed but now, I figured you can't be disappointed and not be angry at the same time. And both are weighing down on me worse than I'd have hoped for.

I want to sleep. And wake up somewhere different. Where there are people who won't disappoint me. But then I guess that's all a part of being alive. And that's why being alive sucks. Looking back, I guess, I'd rather be a fish. Oblivious. Unfeeling.