at the dinner table

i just realized when i ate with my parents just a while ago that maybe being away from them for a long time might be one of the best things that could ever happen to me. i hate it when they're around. it's like im cooped up and i can't go free and i hate that kind of feeling.

and they're calling me things that i really don't like to hear and they patronize like hell. when we were eating and my mom handed me this shrimped and i said no because i wanted to eat the dried fish, she called me "uwat". in english "picky". i hate that word because i have known myself to be flexible and i would have eaten that shrimp without any complaint. i wasn't even complaining! good thing woke up in good shape this morning. otherwise, i wouldn't have been able to push my anger down my throat and started answering back.

and my stepdad. although he's a good man, he should have realized that calling other people fat, especially someone as sensitive as me, is very very damaging. and did my mom defend me? no! she actually agreed and told me that i was no use and that all i did in the house was eat and sleep. well what does she suppose i am to do? run around the town? fuck myself until i die? u know that is just what i want to do when they're around. i want to die. because having no freedom for me is death.

i cannot wait to be away from them. right now i just hate the two of them to my bone. god help me.