I haven't been sleeping properly these days. And when I manage, I wake up mercilessly early as if I still needed to get ready for a 7 AM shift. I miss working. It gives me a sense of being necessary to something.
When have I become this petty? When did my days count on messages that have now started to come in trickles, although I know I really have no right to expect them? No matter how much I tell myself to stop waiting, that I don't have the privilege to be angry when it doesn't come, my eyes refuse to take themselves away from my phone, and I wait like an idiot anyway.
You took this upon yourself. How the fuck do my friends say these things so scathingly and still manage to make me laugh after?
I am not the cool customer who can't cry at the hospital after all. I can't act cold and indifferent. I can only fall apart.
Vodka tastes better diluted, also when you drown your shared disappointments in it about how well you imagined your life would be at this age and what is actually happening now. Maybe we aren't meant to be in relationships. Maybe we'll end up like the three rich old ladies who sat across from our dinner table- unmarried but still friends. And I thought that isn't so bad (but it would be really nice to have children).
Don't worry about tomorrow. God has a way of making things come into place at the right time. Rest in the Mystery. Don't lose sight of reality and its giftedness. You have Christ and the witness of people you love, so why trifle with those minute technological atrocities, about things to come that you're not so sure of? Let it be a mystery. Let it be.
So get up and don't waste the beauty of the morning.
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