bad mornin' grr...

this morning was horrible. when i woke up,i felt certain pain assailing on my back, holding me back from getting up the usual way. when i glanced at the clock, it was quaRTER to eight, barely enough time to eat and take a bath so that i could go to church. and then when my parents came back, it became utterly worse.
i was preparing my own breakfast when they came and my stepdad just started to joke sarcastically about us not going to mass. i was a bit annoyed and then i went upstairs and got the same treatment from my mother. argh! she even compared me with my classmate whom she saw at mass early this morning and started pushing at my face that i was very lazy i couldn't even clean my room! i held my frustration from letting out by increasing the volume of the television so i wouldn't hear her tell me all this shit...i guess it was a good thing that gothica was on air...so that i would hear halle beary scream instead of her. well, imagine how happy i was when i heard they were leaving for that stupid farm. i wished they would never ever come back.

she just doesn't get it. all that we are now, well, me and my sister are all her doing! the fact that we don't know how to clean our room was because we were used to having someone clean it out for us. the reason why we don't know how to cook was we were used to have someone else cook for us and the reason why we are SO LAZy was because she never had the time to teach us to be hardworking. good thing ate edlyn came to our lives and at least taught us how to do laundry. at least she taught me how fun it was to clean the pigpen and bathe the dogs! well, if it weren't for my next-door-playmates who taught us how tag and hide-and-seek works then imagine what kind of boring and disconsolated life i would have...

and the movies, if it weren't for the movies, i don't think I'll ever develop any talent. well the only reason why im actually good at speaking and writing was because i watch a lot of movies! i don't remember her teaching me anything at all...well maybe she taught me how to speak vernacular or walk or remember names...but does that even count without any outlets? does knowing how to talk even matter if you don't have people to talk to? does walking count if you're just stuck in your stupid house? i mean hello!! I would have been autistic by now if it weren't for the next-door kids and my cousin erika...

fun was never in her vocabulary!!! well, okay, maybe a little...i do remember her taking us when i think when i was in 1st grade to humabayon every afternoon after her work and she does put stuff on my stockings every christmas...but those were when i was still a kid. but how about know? the only times when i appreciate her is when she doesn't hold me back from being me, letting me do what i love and she doesn't push me beyond my limits like other parents. in those terms, i think she's cool but other than that, i don't know...
well, she gives me all the necessities and so much more than that but what i don't get is why she points her finger at us when it's not really our fault that we don't know the know-hows of making bed, cooking and all those stupid household chores that other kids, she says do! well, if she had taught us earlier and not when i entered high-school maybe now, i can already cook my own breakfast, wash my clothes and not just my underwear and clean my own room!

that's what i hate about her. she thinks everything's okay when actually it's all the exact opposite. she doesn't know anything about me. all she knows is that im extremely emotianlly unstable and that i always throw temper tantrums...that's not even a good side! that's the problem with all mothers in the world, they don't know who their kids really are...they pretend to understand us when they don't even know what the hell we really want! they say nobody's perfect...true...she's not perfect and i respect her for that...but im not perfect either and that's what she needs to understand.

im absolutely sick of waking every stupid day knowing what's gonna happen next. i want spontaneity in my life but all it's becoming is routinary. when i wake up, i go straight to the computer to check my story status. after that, i eat breakfast and then i watch tv until lunch. then i have siesta and watch tv again when i wake up until dinner, watch tv again and then sleep...do you see how boring it is? im tired and sick of daydreaming of having a wonderful life which i know will probably not gonna happen...sometimes i wish i was someone else or i had another life...when i watch other people i can't help but wonder what it feels like to have their life. im sick but everyone thinks im okay.

well im not and i was never okay with my parents, my friends,my sister my life and especially myself. i don't know who i am or what i want. and while im writing this entry, i guess all that i'll ever be is what i always write. unreal, surreal and unoriginal....