No Longer My Friend

I hate real-life drama. Maybe because I've watched too many melodramatic soap operas on TV. Or maybe because I don't like to recognize my cowardice in confronting other people about the shit they do to me.

When people talk about going into fights with others, I always tell myeslf I'm lucky I don't have to go through with those kind of things. I hate fighting, I don't like having enemies, I detest hating people...especially when they're your friends. But until what point can you tolerate the mess other people make in your life? How do you know the right time to not care? I am so troubled right now. I want to think people can keep their promises, that they can somehow be worthy of my trust. But I've realized even friends betray you. And it hurts.

I don't know how my friends see me. I don't know if they are aware that sometimes they get into my nerves and make me cry. I don't know if they realize that I have my own feelings too and sometimes they have to recognize that I can also get hurt. I am not the kindest person. There is a limit to my patience, to my generosity, to my tolerance, especially to my friendship. Because friendship to me is a very important thing. Because when I make friends, I make it a point to make myself visible in their lives. I make sure they know they can always turn to me, that I'm always there. I make it a point to make them realize that I love them unconditionally. Because I don't believe in frienship with benefits. Frienship should be unconditional and free. I was sure my friends thought that way too. Now I'm not so sure.

When I treat you to dinner or lunch or to a movie, it doesn't mean I always will. I am NOT fucking rich. So when the first thing you say when we see each other is "panlibre beh", you can bet fucking rock-bottom that you just hit bullseye on my heart. I am NOT a fucking restaurant. When you say that to me, I feel like you want to be friends with me only because you can get freebies. When I let you borrow money, it DOES NOT fucking mean that you don't have to pay me back. Again, I am NOT fucking rich. My mom toiled to send me my allowance and you don't have a right to just take it away without paying. And when I don't ask for it back, DO NOT think that I don't want it back. I'm just being both considerate and a coward. So FUCK YOU for ever thinking that I don't feel anything when you borrow money over and over again without paying me back. BELIEVE ME, I could kill you. When you lie to me, I'd understand your reasons for doing so. But when you lie to me again, I'd think you think I'm stupid and I will NEVER believe you EVER AGAIN. When you take something from me without my permission (a.k.a stealing), like for example, my 500 peso bill, I WILL BITCH AT YOU unless you admit you did it and return my things to me. When I catch you redhanded, I swear to my Father's grave, I will rip your hair out of your head. But worse than that, you will have lost my trust. And when my trust is lost, NOTHING you do will ever bring it back. When I tell you I support and understand you, I MEAN it. But that does not mean I approve of the things you do. I am not the type of person who tells others what to do. I believe humans are naturally smart. So I leave it to your "intelligence" and your conscience to decipher which things you have to do and which things you should stop doing.

Yes, I am writing about you bitch and you have lost my trust, my respect and my friendship. It makes me sick to look at the shit you have made out of your life. I don't want to think that I am starting to hate you but you make it sooo fucking hard. I am sorry for you more than I ever have for any other person. You chose what you have chosen. I told myself I wasn't going to judge you until the day you make or break. You are on the verge of breaking and I am on the verge of losing my temper. I still care about you but recently, I've learned it's much more convenient to be indifferent. I have told you what I'm suppose to tell you. I have warned you and supported you and understood you. But it seems I have not achieved the desired effect. I've done my responsibility as a friend, now it's up to you to do yours. Your life is ruined and I am tired of picking up your slack.

I will still talk to you. I will still be civil and act as I always do but from this point on, you are no longer my friend.