OVER

I've realized something really important today: I AM OVER HIM!!!!

I am totally over G! I am so happy!! I saw him walking past this afternoon and of course I talked to him and I totally felt NOTHING. In fact, I was a bit annoyed. I think about it 'till now and I don't feel tingles or shivers like I normally would. And I wasn't sad to see him go and I had NO desire whatsoever to see him again, which is good.

I was with Godece and she attributed it to me having feelings for A. Reality check: Dude has a girlfriend and I have no intention of being a third party. EVER. And besides, I finally figured out that the bonding we have is nothing more than friendship. I am not the desperate type. If A likes me as more than a friend, then great. If he doesn't, then great too. I'll take whatever comes my way. Seriously, I don't care anymore. The fact that I'm feeling uglier and fatter each day is not helping. Maybe this love thing isn't for me...for now, I guess. But I'd still want to look pretty...just in case. Haha.

***

I just finished watching The Uninvited. I liked it. Emily Browning is so pretty and she's short like me. I guess if I was skinny like her and had nice hair and a clear face, I think I'd look really beautiful. But thing is, I don't have all those. And in a world like ours, you need to be beautiful to make the cut. Seriously, if I had been prettier, I'd be playing more significant roles in the play. Not that I don't like being Mrs. Pearce...it's just I know I can do better. For God's sakes, I could do Eliza or even Higgins! But being short and fat and ugly only gets you forgettable roles like the governess or the parlormaid or the passerby. Sometimes, I think it's unfair. I can only be the smart best friend or the dependable side-kick, I never get to have the spotlight. They don't even give me the antagonist roles for Pete's sake! No I'm not saying I want to be Eliza because I don't. Really. The point is I deserve more. I deserve to have my talents recognized, too. I deserve to have people's attention for a minute. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be respected as a friend. I deserve to be more than just a lady-in-waiting.

And I will get all those things. There are no small roles. I will make myself significant in this world. I know I was born for something great. I will be beautiful and make people regret that they ever thought I was ugly and undeserving. Yes. I am FAT and UGLY and SHORT. But I swear, on my very soul, that will change. Someday, someday, it will.