This.Again.

I have never gone home like this. Feeling like wanting to cry every passing minute.

I woke up nice today. Although, I remember having the same nightmare from the night before. I was singing and laughing and having fun being lazy. I was looking forward to going home but I wasn't so thrilled in leaving either. I found out that either way, I'd be happy.

But I don't feel that way anymore. I'm finding out that it doesn't matter where I am or who I'm with, I'm always made to feel lonely and rejected. I just can't take it anymore. I don't know if it's me or them or life...I am just tired of everybody. I'm tired of crying because it just doesn't help me get over it. Talking to strangers didn't help much either. I'm just a trainwreck right now. And I don't know exactly how I got this way.

Maybe it started with them. I always hate it when I ask a decent question and they answer rudely or they don't answer at all. I always see that as an insult to my existence. And I've been insulted today twice, by my closest friends no less. It would have been okay if they went on joking hurtful stuff and pretending it doesn't hurt me somewhere but ignoring me on purpose is something I can never stand. It makes me feel like I'm alone. And to have friends and still feel alone is the worst feeling of all.

Sometimes, things like these make me wonder if I truly have friends at all.

Because when I cry, I can't think of anyone at all who I can run to. I feel like there's no one out there willing to listen to me.Everybody is just too selfish.

I also thought going home would make me feel better but it just made me feel worse. When I got here, I didn't even talk to my parents, didn't even look at them in the eye. I just went upstairs and cried my eyes out, pretending to be sleeping.

No, I don't want to blame this on anyone. But if I don't, I feel like I'm going to kill myself out of guilt and depression. I'm fucking suicidal right now, like the world is going to be a much better place without me in it. So yeah, I'm crying because of my insensitive friends who only think about themselves. I'm crying because I wasn't able to take a bath this morning because nobody told me the water tank had to be cleaned today. I'm crying because I know I blew my presentation if Greek mythology. I'm crying because I got stuck in traffic while trying to get to my ship. I'm crying because I felt like my bladder was going to break but I can't go to pee because the woman I'm sitting beside to has a sleeping kid in her arms and I didn't want to wake him up. I'm crying because I wanted to go home so badly but there were no more commutes and I had to pretend like somebody's going to pick me up. I'm crying because my ass hurts from sitting in a crammed up jeep while holding back that pain. And I'm crying because I know I'm hungry but I couldn't eat that barbeque my mom bought for me. I'm crying because I can't forgive myself and all these circumstances.

I feel so empty. So lost. So fucking broken.