Late New Year Post (of a frustrated stranded person)

I just realized that I haven't at all written anything for the new year and so, here it is. First things first, I'm feeling lucky this year. I don't know why but I do. Maybe such feelings were triggered by the several occasions my friends and I spent going to the pool, to a spring, to my house. And not only that, I feel kind of warm too, like every moment, I feel something wonderful is going to happen.

As I write, I am stranded here in Leyte, struggling not to bite my nails as I worry if ever I could find my ass in Cebu in time for classes tomorrow. There's this tropical depression and the coast guards won't let any goddamn ship sail because the coastal waters are going to be rough. There's no rain though and no wind so that kind of appends frustration to my worry. Although this has been the fondest memory of Christmas vacation that I could so far save in my cerebral cortex, I miss school and my friends at school. It's fun pigging out everyday and seeing trees and sleeping and waking up late but I feel useless. In school, I have function, I could directly tell myself that I'm needed so I want to go back.

2009 sounds good, I think I'm definitely going to be much, much better. I don't really believe in that new year resolution crap because no one should wait until new year to change. And besides, no one ever sticks to them anyway so why fucking bother. Also, I am not going to write a long list or summary of what happened last year. Suffice it is to say that it was a hard year, colored by countless curses and lies and stupid enmities and thunderstorms and power outages and frustrations about love, beauty and health. Also, that year, I seemed to distance myself from my high school friends. There were times when I seriously didn't want to hear anything from any of them. I don't know, I guess we just kind of drifted apart... what with different colleges and different new cirlce of friends. I think we were going through, in lovers' vocabulary, a rough patch. But we worked it out this Christmas. Once again, we were in high school and we were never away from each other. It's crazy how one moment I thought we were strangers and the next we're all the best of friends. Only they could do that. And that's probably why I kind of love so much.

Hmn aside from the bad stuff, the good thing about last year was its degree of insanity. Well, I'm not sure if insane is a good thing but if insane is there, fun is not so far away. And fun I did have. My college friends are one of the best group of people I could ever come across to in my life. They're all smart and funny and they're game for anything. And all these crazy ideas just keep pouring out. And last year I turned 18 too. Nothing to elaborate, nothing note-worthy happened. So this year hopefully, I could re-do the bad things and make them work for my advantage.

I'm posting a picture of the sky today. It's so gloomy. Makes you feel kind of depressed.

It's getting quiet, it's making me uneasy. My heart is beating shitty fast. Oh well, I guess I have to end this rant right here.

Christmas with Friends

I guess it'd be weird to say that I didn't expect the change I saw in my friends.

It's kind of tradition for us to get together every time we find ourselves in Isabel, bored and thingless. Whether in my house or in someone else's, we all make sure we get to see each other before we go separate ways again. Communication always works but with the individual lives we lead, even we find it hard to catch up with each other's lives.

In such get-togethers, I am always the one who gets to foot the bill. If it's not safe to say always, then I guess "more often than not" will do. I can wholeheartedly say that I DON'T MIND because when I find myself out of cash, I don't feel robbed or deprived, I feel blessed, like I've received something greater that what I gave. And that's why I love being with these people so much... because they make being broke feel so wonderful.

SO 'nuff with these senti stuff. My point is, that yesterday, I wasn't the only one who got broke. We all did. And I wasn't expecting that because normally, even though I know they have some money on them, they'd say they don't. But yesterday, yesterday, cash was readily put on the table. They were all eager to contribute something and we were cooking together and buying stuff together. I hadn't felt that kind of bonding since last year's semester break when we watched porn together (haha and before u put anything nasty to your head, when don't do nasty stuff to each other). So we bought tuna and eggs and whipped up something out of them. Haha it tasted heaven. We also had ham and some leftovers from Noche Buena. There was no good movie so some of us talked while others surfed the net.

And in between all these activities, there was the camera. Haha we're such a bunch of camwhores. My camera is bursting with our pictures and God knows how long it will take to upload all of them.

I'm guessing that for what I felt and experienced yesterday and the other night (when I caught up with them in the pool and camwhored all over Housing) with my crazy friends, this blog post is pretty lame. But I think it will suffice if I say that they made my Christmas extra-special this year, that it was refreshing to see them after months of being away, that I still love them not a mite less, that they have changed and not changed at all.

A few more days and we're going back to college. But I guess when we're together, we'll just remain in high-school forever. Totally whack and splendid.

~firefliesandsecrets

Christmas Party and Party

Okay last night was an effin blaast! It was the manifestation of several nights of practicing to walk like a bitch. Ardie was hard on us but he did a good job improving our posture, making us look fierce and teaching us how to walk the walk. And in the end, our efforts paid off. Everyone of us looked stunningly perfect (with or without clothes) and on-the-whole the fashion show was a big job-well-done.

But okay I had a lot of stuff going on BEFORE that night. My sister came and brought the influenza virus with her, making me sniff and blow and cough all over the place. Not a good time to be sick huh. So anyway, Sordy and I got to this salon to have ourselves made-up. We finished just in time but to our horror, discovered that every single taxi that passed by was full. So, in all our current finery (make-up and hair and all), we bravely walked through the night market in COLON. Yes, we WALKED. And yeah,it's a given that everybody was staring at us. 6:40 and still no taxi. We couldn't stomach that possibility that the show might start without us so, still in our finery, decided to ride a JEEP. Yes, people, we rode a jeep wearing make-up and all. The only good thing about it was that we weren't wearing our fancy dresses YET. So somehow, we snatched comfort from that fact.

We arrived, thankfully, on time. Well, not on time, but since everybody else was late, so yeah, we were on time. Ahhh! Everybody looked dazzling. Meg was there with us, too. So the show started and we were walking the walk. Everybody got hysterical when Paul took of his shirt and showed off "the kiss mark" which became "kiss marks" a little while later. Speaking of Paul, I forgot his gift in my haste to go to the salon, so I also, in a haste, went back to my boarding house to get it. And in my haste to catch the second set of modeling, I tripped on my high heels and fell down the stairs. Yes, I fell down the stairs. It was painful but I somehow didn't pay too much attention to it because I was hurrying. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to watch the second batch of models but thank God for the camera.

After the show, we had games and then took pictures and goofed around. I feel for Paul and Jonathan who were constantly ogled with screaming girls (me included haha) because they took of their shirts and thus, becoming the night's object of lust. Everyone wanted to plant a kiss on their naked (aah i am totally blushing right now) upper bodies. So yeah, I was one of them girls who harrassed these two guys. Anyway, we were friends so nothing awkward.

Night ended fast (at least to me). Spice girls plus manager exchanged gifts and I got a box of dark chocolates from Godece. We gave everyone hugs and walked together out the Hotel. We waited for our individual rides, hugged and kissed each other and said our goodbyes.

If y'all think the night ended there, you're wrong. I invited my high-school friends to a night out. Some said yes, others said no (because they were going home the same night). And in the end, it was only Lynjun who really came (except for Caren who was there with her blockmates and Keith, who said no but came anyway). I think I want to be honest and say that I was disappointed. Here I was thinking we'd all get together for a night of booze, dancing and fun and there they went cancelling at the last minute for particular reasons. I didn't want to force it so Lynjun and I just went to Autoshop to join Caren and her friends. Unfortunately we kind of didn't really enjoy ourselves so we decided to head off and find Ardie, Mark and the group of freshmen whom we met earlier. Thank heavens I found Francis ordering a case of beer and Lynjun and I joined him and the rest of his barkada. I was already tipsy so when we got into the conversation and the shots, I was already on the way to getting stoned. And stoned I was. I remembered bits of it but I know that I threw up on myself (thank God not on anyone else) and Lynjun and Keith, who came, had to bring me home. When I woke up, I felt HORRIBLE. I think it'd be an understatement to say that I was hangover. I felt like I was still drunk. So I went out, without bothering to wash any part of my body, to get starbucks. Damn americana coffee didn't work. But I guess what made me feel horrible was that I totally embarrassed myself to Lynjun, Keith and my new freshmen friends. I still can't get drinking right, I just get wasted soo easily. I would have wanted to talk more with them because they were loads of fun, the freshmen. I could see Lynjun and Keith enjoyed themselves too so yeah, I guess, the night was pretty good on the whole.

And now, as I am writing this in my house in Leyte, I am with a fever, a cough and a cold. But remembering all the crazy happy stuff that I went through yesterday, I have a reason to smile.

Summary of the Worst Semester (so far)

No, I'm not in one of my cynical I-hate-the-world moods, I am perfectly serious and normal when I say that this semester is the worst I've had so far. And they below are the reasons:

1. Meg is leaving. And it's too bad 'cause she's one of the sweetest, loveliest person I've ever met. It's hard to imagine the coming semester and years without her and her crazy ideas and her bright smile and her kisses and her hugs and just the whole of her.

2. HE is the WORST crush I've ever had. Okay, first he gave me one hell of a time figuring out if he was gay or not. Next, he dropped some clues, showed some signs that he liked me and just ignored me like I never existed! And lastly, he's a jerk. Eff him, he can go to hell.

3. My Birthday. I'm not saying my birthday was bad. In fact, I rather enjoyed it from 12-am to 8-am. Thanks to Lori and Kirk and Sordy and Godece and Danielle and the Autoshop VJ. But after they all left, dude, I felt so alone. My mom didn't even call me. And I busted my phone later that day. And I had a class in Economics. And I cried my eyes out. My eyes were so swollen Sunday morning that I just stayed home the whole day. The only good thing I remember about it was the messages from my friends and their gifts. Lori and Meg's were the nastiest stuff I've ever received. Sam and Hannah's were the sweetest.

4. FINALS. Okay, this is a picture of how my room looked like during finals week:


pretty messed up huh? got so tired of cleaning 'em that I just slept over some stuff and eventually broke some of 'em. but i'm glad it's over.

5. My Face. It started breaking out again. Damned stress! The first thing I'm gonna do when I get home is run to my dermatologist and have all my zits removed. Dammit, I look so bad these days that I can't stomach to look at the mirror.

----

Okay, those are bad things. But here are the good ones:

1. My Biology Class. Sam was a great lab partner, my teachers were kind and great and my classmates were sh*tloads of fun. I couldn't have wished for better people to be with in bio. AB Philos rock!

2. Restaurants. I've eaten in some new ones with friends and food is just a new experience everytime. But the most fun I had was last night, when we all got together, dressed up nice and basically just enjoyed ourselves with dinner and each other's company. It was the perfect ender to the worst sem. And when I got home, I kind of thought, there is no worst sem when you have these kind of people around you.

3. Friends, my AB Linguistics friends. Family really. I think we all belong to each other. I love them all to death.

4. Starbucks. Vanilla frappuccino I need you!

Okay, I am currently ransacking my brain for more good things and so far, these are the only things I could come up with. But anyway, it's all over and I'm looking forward for better things next semester. Hopefully, I don't get to see HIM (worst crush ever) and some people who think they're smarter than everyone else. I'm moving on, I feel beautiful and I'm happy. Goodbye worst sem, hello sem break!

Listening to: code by NEWS (solo of Ryo Nishikido)

Another Love Post

I don't know or remember how many times I've written about this subject. And yet, I feel there are still so many things left unwritten. I've fallen in love with different kinds of people countless of times, got my heart broken over and over again, and still here I am, blushing like a high-school girl, thinking about a guy and writing stuff about the wuzzy funny feelings he gives her.

I want to think that to be able to love is to be sure that somehow, your feelings will be returned. But I know that isn't true. Because love is unconditional and when you do love, there is absolutely no certainty that he/she will be able to give you back your feelings. I know this for a fact. And it hurts. It hurts to think that no matter what you do, you'll always be the only one who gets to feel the pain of thinking about a person the whole day and knowing they aren't thinking of you at all. It hurts to be told and shown that to them, you aren't good enough. You're not that pretty, that tall, that athletic.

And maybe this is why I'm too scared to fall in love again, to like a person and getting mad because you have absolutely no way of getting them out of your mind. Maybe it's the same reason why I can't bring myself to entertain the possibility that he might like me back. Why it extremely confuses me every time he does little things to make me smile, when he makes un-funny jokes that I laugh at anyway, when he holds my hand and smiles. Because when I tell myself, "he likes you", a bigger part of me says, "he's just being nice". And it's that bigger part who always gets to win. So I'm left staring at myself in the mirror and telling it that someone like him will never like someone like me.

But God! He makes it so easy for me to think otherwise. I just wish he wouldn't be so nice so I could just directly tell myself to fuck off. But the way he smiles...there's just so much hope in the way he smiles that it gives me a reason to believe in that stupid love thing again, to have confidence that maybe this time, someone will think I'm good enough. And maybe, just maybe, I could stop being in love with being alone.

Maybe I could finally find a reason to tell the mirror to mind its own business when it starts making me feel like major shit. I'm not a cynical person. Neither am I proud nor conceited. I won't think that a guy like him might possibly like me if he doesn't give me a reason to think so himself. I'm not selfish either. I won't fight for something that I know isn't meant for me. If he has somebody else, then I'll pig out and write a crappy blog post about how my heart has been broken for the nth time. But if this is it, if what I feel every time I look into his eyes is real and is not just some temporary high-school crush thing, then I'll thank God and find a way to make him and me an 'us'.

A Pink Sky

I'm just lazing around, facing the computer all day and suddenly everything turns to pink. I jump and rush to look at the sky. It was so unbelievably pink

It looks a bit orange in the picture but dude, when I saw the sky, I just felt...wow. Like you know when you're looking at something really beautiful and realize that it's there for you. The feeling is just wow. Plus it made me realize that today is my last day here in Leyte. And when I go back to Cebu, I'm a busy shithead.

I've a lot of things to do and so far, I haven't finished a single one. Frankly, I don't care. I don't want to think about school while I'm here. I'm at peace here. I can play the keyboard here. I can sleep and wish I'd never wake up. I can watch more than one channel here. My mom and my dad are here. It's nice to be in a place where you can just relax and not worry about anything. That's why I prefer Isabel over any other city. No matter how bland or boring this town is, this is the only place that makes me feel I belong. This is my home.

And a pink sky? I don't see that in Cebu. I hate Cebu. The only reason why I can still smile every morning is that I know I have people there that care for me. College life may be full of shit but with friends like mine, every shit is worth facing. So tomorrow I'll be back in Cebu.

I'll be leaving home again.

Today is Friday. The end of the week, the end of midterms. And so far, I have to comment on the following:

1. The weather.

It's been very fickle since Monday. One minute you're scorched by the burning sun and the next you're hurrying to somewhere roofed so as not to get yourself wet by the rain.I've loved rainy days since forever but I'm always pissed when it rains on Tuesdays because I don't get to wash my clothes and I spend whole Wednesday worrying if I get to to wear a uniform on Thursday. And well, the rain makes people late. This I can personally vouch for. Last Tuesday morning was a bit gloomy but I had NO idea it was going to rain REALLY HARD in the afternoon. As usual, I dropped by at Sam's house so we could go together for our Biology Lab practical exam. It was quarter to 1:30 when the heavens decided to flood Talambag again. I was horrified to see that there was NO way we could walk to school because the streets were turning into a big brown river. My watch screamed 1:35 and I remember Ms. Diola clearly telling the class NOT to be late. My stomach churned. It churned even more when I look at Sam and see she isn't worried a bit. Their car was broken (talk about perfect timing) so her dad made me call the guards to send over a taxi. 15 minutes had gone by and I was on the verge of biting my nails out of anxiety. No sign of the goddamned taxi. Thank God, however, the rain somehow slowed down and I can see the wet asphalt on the streets. Sam's mom had us wear plastic bags over our shoes so they wouldn't get wet. So imagine us with Teletubby feet. It was nearing 2:00 when we decided, courageously, to walk. It was, however, FAR from the depths of our knowledge that we were to encounter a HUGE BROWN SWIMMING POOL towards school. So I can totally see that Sam was really disgusted but I love stuff like that. You know, the adventure. It was fun, getting wet and dirty and flipping people off because they were totally laughing at our misfortune. Okay, so we arrived at 2:05 and thank the Lord Ms. Diola was kind enough to understand that we had to go get teletubby feet, get laughed at by people and constantly worry if we had missed the exams. In the end, I got home with a smile, a story to tell, and a flu.

2. Him

I totally missed him. Haven't seen him since last Friday and I could say that the Law of Gravitation worked here. The further you are, the less attracted you will be. Because when I last saw him, he touched my hand and to my surprise, I felt nothing. An awful nothing. So I thought maybe I didn't like him anymore. Moreover, I was thinking of him less and less everyday. Half of me was glad because I didn't have to feel so anxious when I don't see him and half of me was not so glad because I like what I feel when I see him. So today, I saw him. And voila, still head over heeels shaken. I gave him that Japanese chocolate. (hehehe) I hope he likes it.

3. My health

So the rain last Tuesday took its toll and now I'm coughing non-stop 24/7. My throat hurt, so does my nose from too much blowing and I can hardly sleep. I also got this fever but it's gone now. My step-sister had just given birth and my parents came over. I cried when I knew. So like now, I'm feeling better. I think my body is in the process of getting well. Which is good because I don't have to worry about disturbing my boardmates when I cough like a goddamned shotgun.

4. The MIDTERMS

SO far, so great. The tests weren't that hard (for me at least) and I thought I did good in all of 'em. Well, hopefully. And I sooo can't wait to get home. Another week in Cebu will kill me. I mean everything in this city is sooo NOT conducive to good health.

Okay, today is Saturday. And I'm smiling because I'm done washing my clothes. We have a meeting today at 8:00 and as usual, the rest of them started coming at 9:00 so I was left alone reading FHM, listening to Kuroki Meisa and shivering from the side-effects of the goddamned Bricanyl. After the meeting, I slept for a bit and went to SM.

I shopped for slippers and a new book. WHen I went home, Mark texted me to go back because he was treating me to a movie. I was thinking twice but then Ezra and Dara were coming so I got dressed and waited for them outside. Ezra was there and we shared an umbrella. Yeah right. SO I totally do NOT feel anything towards him anymore. And there was this big dog.

we wacthed wall e. Nice. we ate in Jollibee. we rode a jeep and got home. So far that was it. Oh and I slept with a smile. Great. :-D

One Rockin' Night

I had plans for the Acquaintance Party last night. And most of them were disappointed. Thanks to Sam, thanks to my inability to refuse. Fuck, I know. Nevertheless, the night was PERFECT.

I wanted to have myself made-up in a salon but Sam wanted to fix our hairs at 3 o'clock and I didn't want to put on make-up that early. And hello? Am I supposed to walk all the way back to their house looking like a made-up idiot? SO I figured maybe her mom could make me up. But then again, when she'd tell me to close my eyes so she could put on my eyeshadow, I wouldn't understand, would I? So hell dawned on me: I was going to have to put on the make-up on myself myself. I went cold. I'm not much of a make-up artist but I still tried. And then another hell: I forgot my concealer. Can you spell pimples? Haha. I struggled to cover them with powder but fuck, they still showed. So I sighed and told myself: "OH well, at least I look hot in my dress"

And I did. I needed to show my legs so it won't be too obvious that I'm quite short. I thought I looked quite pretty and everybody seemed to agree. I love my hair. It's so shiny. Julia (love her/him) instructed us to come at five but the Korean won't let me go so I was an hour late. But what the hell, so was everybody else! HE was already there when I arrived and dude, he looked hot! I complimented him and he gave me this heart-melting smile. Plus, I get to hear him say my name again. It was at that point that I had an inkling that the night was going to be beautiful.


True enough, I made new friends, I couldn't stop smiling and I forgot that I was barely wearing any make-up. To hell with looking good, what was important was that I felt beautiful. Meg, Patette and Anja and everybody else looked breathtaking and I couldn't be any less proud. My sister's gown looked divine on Meg. She won Ms. Friendship too. Patette got Best in Production Number and Anja Best in Gown and second runner up. I had little "encounters" with him too.

AH, his hand on my cheek. I felt my heart disintegrating. Well, haha. That was enough to make this year's acquaintance party the most memorable and enjoyable yet. Kudos to Julia!

I'm ending my post here.Because I don't think no amount of words could contain what I felt that night. It's like tasting music. Yum.

Pictures are on my friendster profile (links dude).

The Beginning

I’m sure if you’ve read some of my angst-y posts (like the one below), you’d probably concluded that I’m a dark, VERY emotional person. Well, I am. But not always. My life doesn’t revolve around anger and most of the time, I find myself genuinely laughing and smiling and having fun with the people around me: my friends, my family, strangers. They all shed light to when the nimbus clouds starts to appear. And for that, I can forget the reasons why I’m angry.

I’m writing this post because today and yesterday, I am smiling. And I can’t take it off my face. Maybe it’s because it started to rain, or because my friends are there or here is the reason that occupies most of my head these days: Him. No, not her, not Ezra, not Mark, not Joshua, not James, but Him, the beginning.

I am so not writing his name. I’m still having a hard time even mentioning it. But what is easy though is looking forward to saying hi every time the ring bells after English. I’ve got a crush on him, true, but I’m not sure if this is the lasting one (like with Ezra) or something-that-will-go-away-after-some-short-time things. One thing’s sure though, I’m stuck…and he’s making it very hard for me to extricate myself.

First, he totally knows how to knock me off with his mysterious smile. And he has this twinkle in his eyes, like he’s telling me a secret. And he’s really nice. Like yesterday, Lori and I were frantic about an non-existing speakers. She was going to sing and the song was still raw on my mp3 (yes I got it back). Thank God he was at the department when we went there and provided us with the solution. Second, dude! He thought we were going to dance! I found myself laughing inside. At least he was trying to be funny, right? I also remember him telling us to have a threesome in a singing exam. Lol. Third, he is totally humble. Even though there are girls practically dying to throw themselves at his feet, he still walks around like a normal student and even smiles at people like moi. And for me, that, is very, very attractive. Fourth, he’s smart. Well, I can vouch for it myself because he was our practicing teacher is Speech Class. Even though, he spelled occasion as ocassion, what the hell! I spelled recommendation as reccomendation. Point: everybody makes mistakes.

I am not going to write that I like him because he sings like Josh Groban. He was doing that since my freshman year and I didn’t like him then. I won’t even say I like him because he’s so cute because he’s been cute when I first saw him and I didn’t like him then. Although, his voice does fixate me and those eyes, well, let’s just say, I’ll need my pride to take mine away from staring at his.

Okay, so I’ve finally took some weight from my heart. But really, the most important factor of it all is he makes me smile and provides something for me to look forward too. I won’t make the mistake of taking these trying-to-be-funny antics, his kindness for like. If he likes me, he’ll come around. Right now, I’m sort of satisfied watching him at the corner of my eyes. And when he comes close, what will happen, will happen.

Anger

I'm really, really angry right now. And I'm crying. And resorting to self-injury.

I haven't been angry like this, ever. Right now, I feel like killing someone and I'm wishing that my sister never wakes up. I hope she dies in her sleep. This all her fault. I'm wishing I never had my friends. Last night was supposed to be wonderful, I thought it was but then they acted like prize jerks. Right now, I'm wishing I never met any one of them and for once, I was ashamed to call them friends. I hope I never see them again. This is all their fault.

Right now, I'm wishing I could stop breathing. And die. And never be alive. It sucks to live, especially when people around you don't understand you, especially when most of them cause you to be disappointed and angry and embarrassed. They're all stupid.

I don't know if what I'm feeling right now is just like an impulse-of-the-moment thing, where what you feel and think depends on your mood. Or if this is what I really feel, regardless of whether I'm angry or not. One thing's for sure though, that I'm really, really angry.

My dad is pissed because my friends dirtied the car. And I'm thinking that'll be the last time they'll be able to ride it. Sometimes, it's okay for them to hurt me and sometimes, I think I can't take it anymore. I love them, with all my heart but right now, I'm not sure if they love me back. I don't feel like talking anymore. My heart is too heavy and I finally realized that they really don't understand what I feel.

I told myself that I'd rather be angry than disappointed but now, I figured you can't be disappointed and not be angry at the same time. And both are weighing down on me worse than I'd have hoped for.

I want to sleep. And wake up somewhere different. Where there are people who won't disappoint me. But then I guess that's all a part of being alive. And that's why being alive sucks. Looking back, I guess, I'd rather be a fish. Oblivious. Unfeeling.

The Slumber Party/Horror Marathon and the Housing Fiesta

Friday night was stormy. I felt like the wind was going to tear off our windows and the rain was pretty heavy. Outside, the lightning went off and on, like disco lights. The telephone rang and it was our cousin, Erika, informing us that there would be a sleepover that night and a horror marathon. The weather was pretty freaky so we decided to go (I know, ironic, isn't it?). We watched Alone, it was really creepy and we were all screaming our guts out. In between, we ate Pancit canton, made my our very own Bambino, Andre! I could almost hear him say BENE! lol. Then we watched The Teacher, which isn't a horror movie really, more like the SAW kind of movie, lots of blood and gore. But me like. The story was really good and we (those who weren't sleeping yet) enjoyed it.

11:20 pm, we nestled up and cramped into Auntie Aisle's bed. I should say that even if we were still freaked out, we slept pretty good. When we woke up in the morning, we exchanged funny stories, had a good laugh and went downstairs to have breakfast. Mama and Papa were more than accommodating. Then we watched Ghost Train (2 out of 5 stars -- too many ghosts) We were supposed to stay longer but my sister unexpectedly had her period so we went home ahead of the rest.

Sunday. I had a dilemna. I wanted to stay home. But it was either I go with the rest of the Baje Family to the Tabunok Fiesta or I go to Housing Fiesta by myself. Well, actually, it wasn't really a dilemna because it wasn't very hard to choose between the two alternative. Read this: FRIENDS.


So I'm letting the pictures (taken by our phones) speak for themselves.



Doreen's Advance Birthday/Debut Party giveaway. Her birthday's on the 18th but she still has classes on that day so she had to celebrate her birthday yesterday.



Rain. After Doreen's we headed to Chipoy's and ate (again.) The sky was already very dark when we decided to go to Carole's house. I was very reluctant because I don't really know her that well, I mean we DID only meet once.



But I guess I'd have to say that she was very civil and moments later, we were like close friends. We stayed at their house for about two hours and we went to Raymund's. It was already raining when we went outside.



No amount of rain can ever dampen our camera-whore spirits. *lol*



See how happy we where..



We were already at Raymund's house but we were still up for a couple of photoshoots. This is from left, Carole, Bridget and Elmer with my guitar.



Me and Elmer. We were both in red so we kind of thought to do an emo kind of pose.



AH, FOOD AGAIN!



AND AGAIN!



With BOOZE of course! Haha!



Already 6:30 when we took this. This was our last shot inside the house..



Okay, maybe not..



Shot taken outside. It was really dark. And we were with Raymund's dog, Lucy. We then walked together towards school.

Okay, so when we were jsut doing that, we encountered a group of drunk (not to mention ugly) guys and they were verbally harassing us. We got all freaked out and walked really fast. Luckily, we arrived there without anyone getting hurt. Now, I had a problem. How was I going to get home? And then there was Keith..who was kind enough to take me home on his motorcycle. The bad thing about it though was my mom and dad were right outside when we arrived. Talk about awkward. They must've thought he was my boyfriend or something. No thanks. Keith is soo not my type.

So right now, I'm pissed off because I couldn't download a stupid split file. And I'm thinking later, I'd be up for a lot of questions. Scary.

My Boss, My Hero *and my loneliness*

Today, my mom, my sister and my dad are arriving from Manila after being there for a week or so. But suddenly, I wanna be alone. Maybe it was because I feel bad because they weren't able to buy me that frickin dress. But I guess I'm grown used to being alone. I really am an introvert, ain't I? And besides, I enjoyed the whole week they were away. I was able to host a swim and a sleepover, I downloaded a whole bunch of KAT-TUN goodies and I re-discovered my love for Japan, which was good. The only downside was I had trouble sleeping right away because I was afraid I'd find a white-dressed girl with long hair and a deep-rooted grudge when I opened my eyes. Plus, the crickets outside were distracting me a lot. It would have been a good time to listen to good music. Unfortunately, I still haven't received any updates on my broken mp4 from Abenson.

So last night, I slept smiling. I just finished My Boss, My Hero.



It's a very beautiful and funny school drama about a third generation Yakuza heir, Makio Sakiki (Nagase Tomoya, lead singer of TOKIO), 27 years old, Scorpio *lol*. He would have been perfect for boss except that he's VERY stupid. He blew this 27 Million Yen deal because he didn't know what 27+5+5 is. So in order to correct this, his father sends him back to high-school. He opposes this but if he refused, his father would make his younger brother the boss. He didn't want that so he finally agreed.

With the help of his faithful underlings, the most loyal perhaps is Kazu (played by Koki *yay*), he is able to go to St. Agnes (his high-school) without being exposed. There he meets Jun Sakurakoji (Tegoshi Yuya of NEWS), which he calls Sakura-something, and Hikari Umemura, the midget, who would eventually become a lumbrjack and who constantly whack his heart stupid. I find this really funny. A lady-killer 27-year-old Yakuza boss getting all stutter-y and lovey-dovey over a little girl ten years his junior.

I also like Sakura-something. He calls Makio "Makky". Pretty tacky to call a Yakuza boss such a cute name, huh? First, "Makky" is annoyed with Jun but eventually they become very good friends. His homeroom teacher, Masami-sensei (Kashii Yuu) also plays an important role in his life. She gives him a reason to learn and encourages him to go on forward. Makio starts to adjust to his classmates and has fun with them. He even appoints himself the class leader and he I say he did a pretty good job. He brought a class full of indifferent students together and was able to establish a sense of friendship among all of them.

In the end though, their rival gang exposed him and he was expelled, unable to graduate. He got elected boss but he voluntarily gave up the position to his younger brother and went back to high-school in another school.

The drama ended up good and it made me cry a lot. I guess it shows that even for a 27-year-old Yakuza, it's not too late to experience youth, love and friendship. The drama was just about those. And now, I'm suddenly getting nostalgic. I want high-school once more!!!

Sex and Something Random

Well today I am waiting for the KAT-TUN Real Face Concert to finish downloading on my torrent. I can hardly wait because it's already 97.9% finished. The problem that I am now facing is the lack of peers and the download speed has been zero since I last checked in. Last night, it was pretty fast, then it stopped. Dammit.

I watched Plum Blossoms last night and Summer Time the other night, just to kill time. They're Korean movies revolving around sex. Well sex. I like the idea of sex. Not that I ever had sex but because I just like it. Honestly, I don't know. But really, everybody likes sex and nobody needs a reason why. So Plum Blossoms, not my kind of movie. Plus, it was Kim Rae Woon who did the lead role and it's kind of weird seeing a guy, who plays the good 'ole boy-next-door in all the dramas I've seen, masturbate and use women for his sexual pleasure. And it was weird because in the movie, the first time he did it was in a beautiful greenhouse. Yeah, plants and all. So yeah I thought it was really strange for people to do that in a greenhouse but I actually got turned on.

So the night before I watched Summer Time. It was more or less the re-make of the Philippine movie Scorpio Nights. The movie had no plot. Just several sex scenes--the same position (dogy-style), the same couple. It was boring and I didn't like it. The story was about this college student who watches his apartment neighbors have sex through the peephole. The wife pretends to be asleep while her husband humps her (pardon the word) so he thought that, "Hmmn, maybe I could steal some good time". And he did, imitating how her husband does it every time. From drinking a glass of water first to touching her ass to the actual sex. And it was pretty stupid because the wife never found out that she was having sex with another guy until they decided to take the missionary position where she could see who she's fucking with. But then she doesn't object and they have sex all the time until they got caught and her husband kills the poor guy.

And the only part where I actually felt sympathy for the girl was when I found out that her husband actually raped her before they got married. And she was a ballet dancer. But then she gave her dream up to tie the knot with an asshole.

So, what do I think about sex? I honestly can't answer that. I think it's bogus and beautiful at the same time. People get horny, that's a fact of life. And having sex is too. But I don't think people need to rush it and I think it wouldn't matter in a relationship if two people love each other. Well, if ever I get myself a boyfriend, I'd make it known that I'll never do him unless he marries me.

Oh dear. I am blabbering again. Oh and I just cleaned the bathroom. Tsk, looks like I'm really bored, huh?

Home Alone

I don't know if I'm regretting my decision to stay.

Tuesday night, I was ecstatic to see my sister, my mom and my dad leave. Well, one of the reasons why was because they were (mom and dad) fighting that same night. They're leaving to get my sister enrolled in UP Diliman so they'll have to stay in Manila at least a week because she has this freshman orientation thing on May 5. So that means, I'm all alone for 7-10 days. I rejoice in the fact that no one will get in the way of the things I wanna do like watching porn, staying up late, cooking really disastrous stuff and practicing my pronunciation.

So Wednesday, I thought of having my friends come over but then I figured I'd have to prepare. And since no one's home, the word 'sleepover' popped in. Raymund had just arrived from Manila so I also thought that maybe we could steal a little swim in Humbayon as well. A sleepover and a swim were a lot of things to plan over a day so I decided to go to Ormoc Wednesdayand buy food and have them come over on Thursday instead.

Group messages were sent and word was spread. At two o'clock, I started to sweat and they started to arrive. I asked Kuya Opao to drive us there so there were no transportation problems whatsoever. I wanted to see at least 10 people but there were only 9 of us, which in more ways that one, made me sigh (in relief). It was labor day so there were a number of people at Humbayon too so we waited until several of them left. We had fun swimming and diving (hardly) and teasing each other's ass off, laughing and just being ourselves. It would have been a lot more fun though if there were more of us. But nonetheless, we were happy among our little group. We had to leave at five and when we got home, we faced our "sleepover issue"

See, only three of them actually confirmed that they were sleeping over. Raymund, Ytel and Carl. Problem was, Ytel didn't want to be the only girl sleeping over and if Ytel didn't sleep over, there was no way that Raymund and Carl would. I couldn't do anything so I just got them to at least have dinner with me. After dinner, we went upstairs in pursuit of a good horror movie marathon. I promised them I'd let them leave at nine. Unfortunately, the tv had some brightness problems and we couldn't see the faces properly. Furthermore, the boys were a constant distraction. But we had nothing else better to do so we just tolerated the movie.

Tick tock. Nine o'clock. To my luck, they were getting homier and homier. And if I applied a little more strain, I was sure they'd finally give in and choke a permission out their parents. Gael and Sheila were out of the question. They wouldn't stay no matter what I say. So I concentrated on the hesitant ones like Caren, Ezra, Ytel, Carl and Raymund. Yay me I got them to stay. Chipoy and Antonieto weren't able to come with us during the swim but they caught up with the sleepover.

It was nearly twelve when we decided to watch Van Wilder 2. I got them to sleep in the Master's Bedroom because it had an aircon and we could all fit in there. Carl was the first one to sleep. Then, Chipoy, then Raymund, then Ytel, then me.

Three o'clock am, I was awakened at the voices of Ezra and Antonieto talking. Apparently, they couldn't sleep. I got up and talked to them for a bit, you know, catch up. My eyes got heavy and I got back to sleep.

It was six when I got up. Carl and Chipoy were already up. Seven, we had breakfast. Between that and eight, we talked and watched another horror movie. At nine, they left.

And suddenly, that dreaded word whacked me hard on the head like a volleyball. I was alone again. Today, I just slept through the whole morning and afternoon. My whole body was sore when I got up. Then it rained and I got nostalgic and I cried a little bit and here I am, writing it down.

It's kind of funny when I see the house really empty without my family and friends. When they're here, I'd wish they weren't. And if they weren't, I'd wish they were. Maybe it's normal when you feel lonely. Or when you start to miss people. I've only been alone for a day and I'm already feeling depressed.

Oh well. It just scares me to think that I'll be feeling this way for seven more days. I hope I can cope with my loneliness. I suck at it but I know I'll get by. Eventually :-D

Something from Bohol

Okay so, Bohol. Gah! This post is sooo two weeks late and I'm effing sorry for that. I was just too bummed lazy to upload the pics. The fact that I didn't look good in most of them didn't help either. So what triggered me to still write this is BOREDOM. And because I'm blowing phlegm out of my nose every ten seconds. So I'm posting the pictures and let them speak for themselves. I'm just going to write a itsy-bitsy piece of my mind below them.




This was a very beautiful scene from outside the Bohol Plaza Hotel. It's like built on a mountain or something. It's just breath-taking when you look down and see all these greens before you. Makes you wonder why some people think the Philippines is ugly.



Okay, we (me, my sister and my step-dad) were in Hinagdan Cave here. It was dark so we really couldn't see the drawings. It was creepy-ly beautiful. And there's this cute little spring inside.



So here we are posing for the almost-dead effing camera. Gah, I have red eyes! And a red shirt!



The Loay-Loboc River. Oh, oh! I love it here! For lunch, we went to the RiverCruise restaurant. It's like a floating restaurant or something and it sails around the river. We waited half-an-hour for it to embark. It was so beautiful! I kept going "sugoi" to myself. The water was soo green, I fell in love with it!



The Ga--forgot-the-name-of-the-tribe Tribe. We stopped here for about 15 minutes and hanged-out with a bunch of dancing, modeling and fiery-arrow throwing Ita kids. Ooh, there was one Ita who was soo hot I couldn't stop staring at his abs!



Hehe, couldn't help a vanity shot at the Chocolate Hills.



Eh, how could litle hills like this be so Chocolate-y? They're breath-taking. Once you see those brown little mountains, the 180 energy-knocking steps is all worth it. And of course, worth facing my fear of heights.



This is the Hanging Bridge behind me. And it's not called "hanging" for a reason. I know I look happy but I was really freaked out. I couldn't even take a single step! Hehe..



O yeah, another river. Bohol should be called the City of Green Waters.



Okay, so you don't go to Bohol without seeing this cute little primates (smalles in fact in the world) called Tarsiers. EEEhh they're just soo cute and big-eyed! Oh and they almost look angry when you stare at them for more than five seconds.



Me and the tarsiers. Okay, I was trying not to defy the "Don't Touch" rule..



Heehee, my dad looks soo cute in this.



That's me in he Bohol Plaza pool. They have a great pool, big and shit. The only problem is the effiNG ancient camera. Gah! It's blurred!!! Eff you camera!



After swimming, I got constipated. Bummer, huh?



Last food I ate in Bohol. I ate some really yummy GOTO. :-D :-D

*******that's the last of Bohol************so we go to CEBU*********************



Yeah, my sister got married and it was obvious that she was pregnant. Yay! I'm gonna be an aunt.

**********************end of Cebu**********************************************

seriously, that's all. Well, I hope the pictures painted enough words. :-D

A Bit of Everything

*sighs*

Well summer is finally here and it's kind of mandatory that I write something in here, even if it's going to be really crappy and stuff. Well here are the highlights of the my life before summer.

1. I lost 15 pounds. How? One decent meal a day. So everyday I'm like: "Wait, I had lunch so I can't have dinner" or "I had breakfast so I can't eat for the rest of the day" Yeah, at first, it was kind of hard. I even bought this "Diet for the Carbohydrates Addict" book which was really stupid because I didn't think that it was meant for those really obese people. So I really had rough time when I started because there was just food everywhere! But then I thought about my dream of becoming a porn star in Japan and how that dream is never going to come true for me if I stay on my 115-pound weight so every time something makes me drool, I just bite my lip and think of the dream fading away. So it worked and I got used to NOT eating. Before I knew it, I was on "starvation period" for five, yes FIVE, months and the weighing scale suddenly read 97 pounds, which is about 45 kilograms.

*But tse...summer always means food so I'm probably going to gain those pounds this month. Actually, I think it's already starting to show. Nooo! And to think I was already looking quite hot in a tankini. *blows nose*

2. I got tipsy, drunk and wasted. Dude, let's face it. I'm in college and being in college entitles anyone, even an introvert such as myself, to indulge into several rounds of drinks. Okay, maybe not few, but whatever. So the first time I got drunk was February 2, 2008. I was with Danielle and we were just finished watching Tuesdays with Morrie. It was a lovely Saturday night and we thought "Hey, let's not waste it on winks" So we went to Fiesta's Crib and ordered two, yes just TWO bottles of Redhorse. The funny thing was that all those people kept staring at me like they were asking themselves "what is a 12-year old doing in a bar with 2 bottles of strong beer?" Well, then I say, "12 year old my ass!" But of course I didn't say that out loud.

Okay, so that was when I found out that I was a HORRIBLY cheap drunk. Just half a bottle and you're already obligated to assist me when I walk.

The second time I got drunk, well not just drunk but TERRIBLY WASTED, was when I got a very questionable, but we didn't question it somehow, 3.0 in Literature. I mean, c'mmon, I'm fucking good at Literature. I even (almost by a point) perfected those stupid midterm exams. So how, you ask, did I get this questionable 3.0? Two missed quizes. One was 50 items and the other 20. So I missed 70 points all in all. Haha. Well, anyway, so I'm not really okay with 3.0 because Literature IS one of my major subjects and no matter how I try to console myself by repeatedly repeating "I'll make it up in the Finals", I'm just fucking depressed. Good thing though, there were several of us who got the same grade and felt the same way so Kuya Rex (an even more genius at literature than i am) suggested a couple of drinks, I was in NO position to DECLINE or DISAGREE! Fuck dude! I got a fucking 3! I didn't even get anything below 2 in math! Fuck!

So we went to this karaoke bar near the Main Campus and ordered one case of strong beer. SO I drained three bottles and a half (keep in mind that one bottle alone can get me really drunk) and before I knew it I was throwing up all over the place. ood thing Danielle was there and she was kind enough to accompany a very wasted ME home. But eugh! I can still remember that sick feeling welling up in the depths of my stomach, forcing its way out my mouth. Gah! Whenever I see beer, I just feel sick. So the next day,I got a terrible hangover and promised myself I would never drink again (Fuck me)

Third time I got drunk was during a random Saturday night when I got this "Damn, I want a beer" urge so I immediately sent a group invitation to my frieds. Unfortunately, only Mark Edson heeded the message (because he just broke up with his girl friend) and went immediately to Harrison's Park. There was a band and the music was ecstatic. Nothing happened though. Not anything fishy, I mean, not in a million years.

Fourth time was when Danielle invited (no actually forced) me to come with her and her councilors (because she's like the SK chairman in Pooc, Talisay) in a swimming spree (god, is that a word) in Villa Teresita. I really didn't want to go because I'm not good in dealing with strangers and I hate it when the word "awkward" pops in, in the middle of a conversation. But alas, Danielle was just too persuasive for me so I gave her a VERY VERY reluctant yes. Surprisingly though, I quite enjoyed myself. Her councilors were fun and friendly and accommodating and I kind of stole several occasions to flirt *laughs* So my new friends offered me beer which I of course indulged because I was in no position to decline (okay, that was an excuse) and got drunk again. And there was a dancefloor and music. So dancefloor+music+beer+great new friends= one wild disco night! Hehe, there were crazy people who make dancing look like sex. But gah, I didn't mind. I was just stoned.

Okay, so those were the times where I enjoyed myself with my newly found friend, Alcohol.

3. I am still confused. Okay so there are times when I just look at a girl, just appraise her and stuff, then I go, "Fuck man, I'm fucking bisexual". *sighs* So all this time I thought I was perfectly straight and I have to go to college and realize that I don't know if I'm really straight or not. Well, one thing is for sure: I am physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually attracted to one girl (strictly speaking, she's the same as me: you guys do the math). So we kissed ( a lot of times ). Hold up, there were no tongues involved. And since that, I've been having weird dreams and daydreams about us not just kissing. (Yeah, what you're thinking is right). *sighs* So I guess that alone officially makes me gay, huh? But I'm not completely gay so BISEXUAL is a more appropriate word. Because I still drool over guys and I still want to have hot steamy wild sex with Ueda Tatsuya and give those Japanese porn stars a run for their money.

And I still dress up like a girl. So I'm not gay. But I don't like to be called bisexual either. So what do I call myself? Confused. That's what.

4. I am officially addicted to DVDs. Well, nothing to elaborate here. Almost all of those who know me know I'm a movie sucker.

5. When you rest you rust. SO rust is enveloping my writing career.

^^^ so far, those are the times that have made me a lasting impression. It's quite a long post but haha, that's a compensation for the months when I haven't posted anything. So I'll post something about Bohol.See ya. :-D

Valentines

okay, so here's what happened to me on Valentines. But first, u guys have to know that I don't usually think that day is so important but since everybody else does, well, what the heck, i just had to go with the flow. truth to be told, i actually woke up nice. i should have expected that the narrow street corner in STo. Rosario would be crowded with flower vendors selling overpriced roses. i wanted to get one for myself but i was just soo broke i couldn't even buy myself water.

i got to school and cwts class was quite the drama. sir khleint was acting strange, saying that would probably be the last meeting he'd have with us. he wouldn't tell us why though. so anyway, we ended up having all those who had nice singing voices in class sing for him. danielle even cried. gah, i almost did.

the day before that, our English 2 teacher gave us an assignment: list 14 ways how to make your Valentines memorable. Lolz. Here's mine.

1. kiss all my friends. (which i did)

2. greet all the people i meet (i also did)

3. participate well in class (which i tried but let the teachers be the judge)

4. wear a smile all day (i had a hard time with this one since there were some little events which triggered a curse or too...like for example: the effing traffic)

5. FLIRT WITH A STRANGER (i failed to do 'cause I only get the guts to flirt from 1-2 bottles of beer and I didn't drink.

6. listen to MASS. (i wanted to but i didn't catch the last one)

7. watch a tear-jerker romance (what the eff, i watched porn instead haha)

8. buy myself a rose (i WANTED TO but i was really broke. danielle's tall new friend, Randy, gave me one though, he was soo sweet ps: tall guys are not my type)

9. PIG OUT!!! (didn't actually happen, since you can't call a cup of rice, an egg and some corn beef pigging out)

10. greet my mom, my sister and my family. (which i did. yay)

11. text all my friends ( i did but only few of 'em replied. tse)

12. write a good blog entry (dude, i didn't have the time. that's why im writing this now)

13. do a good deed (well, i am letting danielle stay with me.)

14. BE HAPPY FOR MYSELF (and i was)

hnmn, this was the first time i ever celebrated Valentines. but what was sad about it was when you see all these couples hugging, kissing, being really close, you realize that you don't have anyone to do all those sweet things to. you don't have anyone to hold an umbrella for you when it rains, to give you a rose, or kiss you goodnight. it sounds all so random but when you see how they look at each other, it makes you wanna melt, it makes you aware that you don't have any of that. and that makes me really jealous. well, at least i got two flowers. one from meg, and the other from Randy. [sighs] well, that was valentines for me. Hopefully, next year's won't be as lonely. [lol]

ENOUGH

I've had enough.

I should have sooner. But maybe I had fun fooling around with myself, thinking that things could happen when they can't. I'm tired. I give up. I loose. And that's something I shouldn't mope about. I'm used to loosing. I'm used to having regrets. I'm a looser. So what?

Right now, I'm sick with a fever, a cold and another broken heart. I'll never be good enough for anybody. Or maybe it's just me, being selfish, because I don't want to share. Because I'm jealous that in their world, I'm just a passer-by. That I'm not someone they'll remember when they get old. That there are two hundred other people they'd prefer to be with than me.

Or maybe it's just me, being stupid. Because I expect too much, because I want someone to think about me that way I always think about them. Maybe I want someone, for the first fucking time, to love me back. Maybe, this time, I want someone's world to revolve around me. Maybe I'm sick of falling in love and getting hurt every time because it's always one-sided, because in the end, it'll only be just me.

I want to cry. And I know no one's going to care anyway. Because no one really needs me. Because I know my tears will be useless. Because I'm weak. Because I'm scared. And because every time I am, no one is there to tell me it's going to be okay.

Friends?

Do they really know who I am? Do they really need me or they just have me for that stupid wall that everybody leans on? And maybe I'm tired of being that stupid wall. I'm tired of being there for everybody and not have anybody to be there for me. And maybe, for once, I don't want to help and be selfish and curse and hurt someone. Maybe I don't want to be apprehended. Because I want to help and make people happy in my own time. I don't want them depending on me. Because it hurts every time I see them and the first thing they say is "panlibre beh" and maybe it's because it's my fault.

I was a bad wall. I'm a bad friend.

Or maybe I'm just being crazy. Because my head's spinning and I can't think. Maybe it's just me again, letting my emotions get ahead of me. Maybe I just want attention. Maybe I just wanna dig in the pillow and cry until it doesn't hurt anymore.

Because I really, really want to cry. Because every time I look at myself in the mirror, I don't find any reason to smile. Because I'm not pretty and I'm not beautiful and I'm not fucking good enough! Because I don't love what I see and I don't love who I am because who I am is selfish and lonely and weak. And maybe that's the reason why I always loose.

Because I'm always insecure. Because I'm not confident enought to win. Maybe because when I try to be happy, there's always twice a reason to be sad. Because life is not just about goods and graces, it's about suffering and realizing that you can't have everything you want.

And that's what I'm fast-realizing right now. I never had anything that I wanted. And I stop to think that maybe because I don't deserve any of it. Because I'm just a sore looser.

And I've had enough. I give up. You guys win.

I loose.

my impossible (?) dream

im surprised im actually writing something in here. well, that's something i would call a miracle.

yesterday was different. i faced the computer whole day, waiting for the kat-tun concert i was downloading to finish. my mom was out. my sister was pretty out of it because she was up until 3'oclock in the morning. *sighs* yesterday was my last whole day in my house. today im going to have to leave again. bummer.

since there was nothing good to do, i just lied there on my bed and started to drift away in another daydream. we just finished the second season of Gokusen so we still had after-drools. kame and jin was soo hot that i suddenly remembered that one impossible dream:

BE A PORN STAR.

i know, i know. for someone who doesn't look the part, it's pretty impossible. but i believe in myself, that i can make myself look beautiful in the eyes of other people. i don't wanna be a pornstar because im a sex-maniac but because i think being able to do those things on tv speaks a lot about a person and how confident he/she is. i've never really been confident. i can talk to people but somewhere inside me, i know i think im not as good enough.

being physically beautiful is top priority if you want yourself sold. because people look at that first. and if you don't pass the first test, you fail the rest. that's why im trying really hard to loose weight. i've tried crash diet and it actually works. whatever. it was no use anyway because i gained them back over Christmas. tse.

oh and i vow, i will VOW, to go to Japan and make myself popular there.

okay, okay. *sighs* im sorry im not making any sense. my writer's block just got frickin worse. i just stare at the blank screen and wind up deleting every letter i write. sometimes it wears me off and gets me really depressed but i think ive gotten used to it. i don't know when i'll get my inspiration back but i feel that it will come soon. and when it does, the words'll just flow.

am i a writer or am i not?

totally blocked out.

those words are probably the best way to describe the writing hiatus that im going through right now. (sighs) writers keep journals. and when you say keep, it means keep, like KEEP writing in it. well, i haven't written in here for four months or something. god, what am i doing? am i a writer or am i not?

i haven't even written anything for Christmas or new year.

well, this Christmas (don't mean to be so blunt and all) was kind of dull compared to last year. i don't why but i feel that way. but new years was great because i get to call my friends. oh and we went to mass. haha. i am so boring, aren't I?

however, i did realize something at the turn of the new year. and i have now come to accept it. i love meg. i don't care if i break a dozen of society rules or if i harbor a million raising eyebrows. the love i feel for her transcends beyond gender. and isn't love unconditional anyway? and if God, if God doesn't allow this kind of love, then why the hell would He let me feel it? God, I just can't stop thinking about her and when i heard her voice when i called her, my heart just somersaulted.

she knows that i love her but i don't want us to get into anything serious. except into a serious friendship. because she's leaving and she's never coming back and people leaving me is always something that I don't get over with, with just over a couple of blog entries or black roast coffee cans or friendly advices.

i don't want to get hurt.

i mean if i get hurt with her, then i'll take the risk. but she's not going to be with me. so i guess i'll just have to wallow in my misery again and write when it finally explodes into words. well, am i a writer or am i not?

i wrote a story about a demon going into high-school and experiencing love first-hand. i couldn't finish writing the third chapter! crap! am i a writer or am i NOT?!!!

oh and i just found out that being born in the year of the horse is bad luck this year. wow. what a perfect year opener for me, dontyathink?

im not writing anything good, am i? (sighs) i guess i need more romantic tv shows, books, messages and phonecalls to get my ass to work. i guess i have to end this crap here. don't wanna bore your guts any more than im sure it already is...xxx

My Break

there's only one thing really important to say about this year's semester break: it's fucking FUN.

my friends have come to the house almost three times last week. and we had somewhere to go to for two three consecutive days. it was fun. really fun. well it all started sunday, during my godson (oooh i have a godson!!) clarence's christening. i was soo excited to be a ninang! so we all went to christine's house for the reception and ate a lot. then we sort of caught up with each other's lives and after everything ran out, we drank chamador. ooh, it was delicious. it was this really good white wine that tastes better, a lot better than Novelino. so after we drank wine, as expected, we all decided to head to our house. where we continued our thang.

the boys found porn in my bro's laptop so they kind of got hooked. well, boys WILL be boys. us girls stayed in my room where we watched...uhm,.. ok so the movie wasn't really fun so some of us kind of joined the boys heehee. but we DID NOT DO ANYTHING. i mean, get real. we were friends. we don't do porno stuff to each other. so those others who couldn't find anything else to do resorted to talking. that includes me. time passed and they had to leave but we agreed to meet at school the following day. our excuse? to get our yearbook, which sucked by the way. it came out really ugly. urgh. the newsletter was a little better but was just as bad. the articles were poorly-written. whatever.

so monday we agreed to meet at nine. but guess when those germs (kagaw) showed up? yep guessed it right, 10:30. some filipino time we got going there. caren even went to my house because she thought we already went there when all along we were just talking with ms. renegado in her office. so she had to go back to school. we saw rachele too. and i slipped down a little fucking slope. the bastards didn't even help me. tsk. so we just kind of sat there talking for about two hours and we realized we were hungry and it was lunch time and they all kind of looked at me with the can-we-eat-lunch-at-your-house look. i couldn't say no. hell i couldn't. so i told them they could if they would agree to do the cooking. they happily agreed and we went here. so we cooked hotdogs, the traditional pancit canton and some corn-beef. it sounded like breakfast but the food we had wasn't going to be enough for seven people. after lunch we headed upstairs and continued our routine. boys=porno. girls=decent movie/talking/surfing the net, etc. oh, we also caught shiele and michelle on y.m. so we talked to them. fun.

tuesday came and i had my period. period=dysmenhorrea (damn, i dunno how to spell it!). gael texted me about charmaine's debut. which means we need a car. ezra called me to tell me the obvious and to obviously ask me if we could like use our car. i wasn't so happy about that but they really wanted to go. and i couldn't say no. hell no i couldn't. so i asked my mom really nice and smooth if we could use the car. happily she approved and we all got dressed for the party. we reached charmaine's, greeted her, ate, took pictures, ate, strolled around town, talked, took pictures and waited for the car. the car arrived, took us to MY house where again, we proceeded to our routine. it was kind of fun having them at such an hour that i considered the thought of asking them to sleep over. but I'm SURE my mom would MIND that very much. i was going to leave on thursday so i asked them if they could come back on monday. they were only too happy to hear it and of course, OBLIGE.

i went to cebu for enrollment. damn, the lines were fucking long. i saw meg and there was still something but i tried to keep my distance. maybe i can get over her that way. and you know what, i think it worked. i kind of avoided thinking about her for the rest of the day, which is a really, really good sign. i was leaving the same day that night. i was happy to hear that i was leaving with caren, bridget, caren's cousnin ling-ling, earl and rowell. it was fun. finally, i got to strangle earl for a very long time now.

i also went to cebu for another reason: for daisy. well, you know, daisy was my best friend since elementary and i was really glad she went home. we rendezvous at ayala and she gave me some chocolates and this really really beautiful neclace and bangles. i felt soooo guilty i didn't get her anything. they were in a hurry so she can't sleep over at my house. but she did come over saturday and we had fun reading ouran and catching up.

sunday, ytel and lynjun went here. ytel had really small and red eyes. and she told me cd died. i felt soo sad for her because it was obvious and I know how she loved that dog. she went there to tell me she coldn't make it monday. i wasn't happy to hear it but i kind of understand. i told her it was okay and they left.

monday came. election, too. we went over to dolly's and voted her. we could see she really worked hard for this. she looked really tired but i knew she was happy to see us. i hope she wins. she deserves to win. and it was really cute when she just stood up there, made a speech about how experience can't be bought with money and then she cried. poor dolly. but i know she'll win. afternoon came and we went to my house to wait for the others to arrive. they arrived. chipoy and earl arrived. the two later boys wanted to see the porn for themselves but wasn't in the mood so we watched something rated r instead: dorm daze. it got us laughing. fun. then, i sort of got the drift that they were getting hungry so i bought them siopao and ice cream, because ezra wanted ice cream and i couldn't say no. hell no i couldn't. we ate went back upstairs and watched another rated r. movie: getting it. haven't really watched it yet but i watched it together with the gang. was fun after all. it was already seven and they had to leave and once again i am soo left alone. with my sister in baguio and mom somewhere else, and my friends gone...T_T, i could only wallow in my misery.

today i woke up nice. i look forward to more days with my friends. they put fun in my life and it's with them that i become someone with a someone else. someone not alone and complete. that's no drama bullshit, dude. i'm telling it the exact way i feel. well, i wrote really long, huh? im sort of making up for not posting regularly as i used to. end here. xxx

My Identity Crisis

For the record, I've never been someone who has ever doubted the nature of her identity. And when I say identity, I mean something being related to gender. And with regards to gender, I've always been sure that I'm everything a girl is. That is, when I met this really amazing girl. Shit. Talk about gay.

Well, when I first saw her, there was nothing really. But I did want to talk to her. And when I got to, I thought she was realy interesting because she has this thorough opinion about everything. It was when I got to know her that I realized I might be heading into the road where gays, lesbians, bisexuals and deviant genders trod...When you talk about looking gay, I'm far from that because I dress like a girl, I walk like a girl (better that most girls in fact), I talk like a girl and I'm in love with Mr. Darcy...who is a man but is not real.

Well, for starters. She's different. SHe loves to be different. She sings, she dances, does the fucking moonwalk, writes serious deep bloody and pretty nasty stories, she speaks with conviction and she's probably the sweetest person I've ever known. She hates conventionalism, like I do. She's a perfect rockstar because she plays every fucking instrument you give her. She's into history and political science and she loves what's-his-name rodrigo. When you try to spell looks, she's beautiful, her eyes just drown you and her smile is perfect.

omigod. i really got it bad, don't i? shit. i absolutely do not have any bloody idea what to do? im sure im not gay but every time i see her, the world just falls around me and it makes me feel like an insane love-sick teenager. i always look for her when she's not around and i feel butterflies whenever she is and i feel like im falling in love with her. and the best part of all this is she's a bisexual. i've told my new friends about it and they said it's all just a phase. hmm, i bloodly hope they're right. because frankly, i don't think im cut out to be gay. im just way too girly to fall in love with my own sex.

well whatever. i just had to write it down.

The Saturday that Sorta SUCKED

well, first i want to say sorry for posting really late but the saturday im referring to was last August 18. it sucked...but not really "sucked" sucked. the middle of the day was really fun. but the beginning and the end part, allow me to just scoff.

well i woke up at 5:30. slept again. woke up again at 6:00. i had tryst with hannah and lori that we would meet at jolibee at 6:30. I arrived 6:45. Jolibee wasn't yet opened so Lori (who arrived a minute before me) and I stood outside to wait for Hannah. 6:50, there was no hannah. 7:00, jolibee opened, no hannah. so we went inside and this lady who had a phone but can't send a message because she couldn't see asked me to type the message for her. it would have been easy if her cellphone wasn't such a difficult piece of crap. I couldn't write a word without mispelling it. Personally, it irked me but the lady asked me nicely and I couldn't very well turn her down. So after I sent the message to her friend named "GWAPA", hannah finally arrived and we rode a jeep to talamban, hoping we could still make it to the 7:30 attendance check.

so we arrived at 7:36 or something and looked everywhere to find our "EXCELLENT" PE teacher only to find jo and gierine. gierine was hungry so the five of us proceeded to the canteen where I strangely ate breakfast. Strangely because I didn't think I'd be hungry that morning considering the six balls of siomai i consumed the night before. ugh, and i remember that pineapple juice i spilled on the jeep. well anyway, so we waited until eight. still no teacher in sight. then it was announced on-air that we should all proceed to the field. we all did. 8:35, attendance was finally checked. so much for fucking 7:30. we danced and sucked at the same time, the others were good though.

we all wanted to leave but our "EXCELLENT" PE teacher said there was still a second around and that our presence will be checked a second time. it all ticked us off but we had to stay. 11:30 and we got asked to go back to the field. and we were made to sing the national anthem and that stupid fucking high-pitched USC hymn. oh and before that our PE teacher told us we had to go back at 1:00 for the costume. maybe it was *BITCH* day because we were again bummed out that we still had to stay until one. and then after we sang, our "EXCELLENT" (oh and did i mention that she was pregnant) PE teacher changed her TWISTED mind and re-scheduled the claiming of the costumes to THREE 'OCLOCK. now if we were bummed out at one, imagine how we actually felt when it was changed to THREE. GOD! forgive me for using Your name in vain but at that moment i just wanna jump at that teacher and pull off all her hair. she actually ruined all my plans for the afternoon. i know it's selfish but i don't want changing my plans. it REALLY REALLy REALLY made me fuckin mad that i cursed her in my mind from the time i got home to the time i arrived at talamban.

So we had 30 minutes left for ART, it's like a play that we all HAD TO watch. but don't mistake me as one of them, because even if we didn't have to, I WOULDN'T fucking miss it. So we arrived in time...sorta...and there were no more chairs that could get us a really nice view. thankfully, hannah found some and we got settled. the play was amazing. it starred only three characters, played by Ricky Davao, Michael de Mesa and some other guy who was probably in his early forties but was still really good-looking. there was only one set, too. the setting was simple, yet elegant and everything ended well.

the play was about 3 friends. Serge, the deep-thinking, impressionist-art-lover, man-of-his-time art collector, Mar, the shallow-and-narrow-minded, ill tempered what-was-his-job? and Jun, the airheaded, no-opinion something-to-do-with-paper employee. quite the attraction of the opposites huh? so serge bought this vallardo original for 200,000 pesos. it was 4 by 5 white canvass, with white background, and some diagonal white lines and a straight horizontal white line. if you look at it, you wouldn't believe it was worth all that money because it's technically just a white piece of wood with lines. But Serge, who has this really deep personality, considered it worth it. But MAr got really furious, thinking that serge had gone insane. he actually referred to the painting as "a white piece of shit". that pissed serge off and they parted off fighting.

so mar went to jun, jun went to serge. he tried to bridge the fight but only worsened it. he told mar he agreed that it was "shit" but he told serge the opposite. so they got into a really terrible shithole which jun, in the end while crying, referred to as "the trial period". the only thing that resolved the fight was jun's feltic pen. serge threw it to mar, as if to tell him that "go write something on that white piece of shit." and prove that their friendship was more important than the painting. so mar went and drew a man skiing. the play ended with mar and serge taking the drawing off the painting with some solution that paula (mar's wife) suggested. then mar looked at the painting once more and finally, as if by storm, appreciated it.

so after the play, i met with my new and old classmates. in the end, i had dinner in Mang Inasal with Earl and Richmond. I swear I could feel green eyes upon us. i mean me having dinner with two of the most handsome guys in high-school, how lucky could i get? so my day was getting better. until i got home and lost my temper over my stupid nail polish. i cried a bit, just to release the anger and set off for the ship.

hmmn, that was pretty much it. a sucky saturday. please allow me to fucking scoff.

Wordless Thoughts

My words are lost and I don't know where to find them.

It's been a good five months since I've written anything and every time I begin to write a letter, I develop this funny thing inside my stomach, and suddenly the words begin to disappear. It maybe the so-called "Writers' Block" or it may also be that I never was a writer after all. I mean, retrospectively, what have I written? All those beautiful words stolen from beautiful writers, all those unfinished stories, all those lies? I'm supposed to show the real me in my words but those are gone. Maybe I'm not going to find out who I really am after all.


So lately I've been thinking about writing a whole new chapter of my writing career. Something out of scratch, something that I will read ten years later and boast to my friends that "I wrote this crap". Love stories are where everybody starts. But I don't want to write love stories anymore because every time I do, it always ends unfinished. And I know why. Because I've never been in love. I though I had but I hadn't. It's funny how the words wouldn't come when you're writing something that never happened. It's like a writing law that's been there. Nobody knows it exists but it does and it stops people from writing what they're not. And I respect that law so I'm not going to write anything about love unless I know what it really is, unless I've experienced what people say as "painful happiness"

I can't write about life either. Not because I don't have one but because I'm still 16 and I still have a lot to learn about the world. I've been bragging about how mature I am but the truth is I'm as juvenile as any other kid my age. I also will not write about death. Not because I'm afraid of it but because I've never seen it. I know it and remember it but I haven't been as close to death as a lot of people had been.

I will write however of beauty and strenght and courage.Because I know that even if I don't look the part of a major character in a fairytale, I'm still part of a story. A story that has yet to be written and may have already been written. I don't know where the words will take me, how pauses and periods would make me, but I'll keep on living like Cinderella and Snow White. I will face my own evil-step-mother with courage and I fill find my prince. Or, I will wait for him to come because that is what damsels-in-distress do. But I am not a damsel-in-distress. I am not a spunky princess either. I'm caught in between, between lying in my glass coffin waiting for the kiss to wake me up and riding on a horse in hopes of finally having that fateful meeting where I will touch the hand of a boy and know that he's the one.

I will write of frustration. Because that is what I have. I will put to words the strange moments when I cried just because I have run out of reasons or the time when I threw everything because I lost. ANd then I will write about how I smiled again, and the reasons why. About how I picked everything and tried to fix it. About the times when I spent too much that I almost pawned the necklace that my mom gave me.

I will write about impossible dreams and ambitions. About me being a Japanese singer and marrying a Japanese long-haired actor in a red hoodie and cargo pants. About having the perfect hair, loosing my imperfections and just being perfect while I breathe on the chest of my guy, feeling his hands on my waist as we dance along the melody of some old love song. I will write about having a car and walking around the mall with my friends, with people staring and admiring my perfection. I will write about me making a movie with Billy Zane, Daniel Radcliffe, Leonardo di Caprio and Zac Efron.

In all possible ways, I will write about me. About the million reasons why I make a good person. I will make a list of the people I love and make another list of the reasons why I love them. I will write about the books that I thought was about me, was for me...about the writers whose works I called my own. I will write words about words, about wordless thougths and wordless reasons. About songs and music and melody and keys. I will write about my loneliness, my selfishness, my imperfect perfect self.

I will eat words, chew them and feel them swirling inside me and I will let them out at the perfect moment where I could just sit, smell the rain and be a "true" writer. And then when my words get lost again, I will find them everywhere, in the stories of my favorite authors, in the magical kingdoms of my favorite fairytales, in the smallest experiences that make my life "a life". And if they come to me at last, I will take a pen, a paper, turn on my computer, and I will scribble them so they never get away from me again. But if I don't find them, I will simply take my clothes off, wait for the rain to come and dance and laugh and cry in it naked. I will stay naked and wet and incomplete until I find them. I will wait for the right words, true words and when they finally find me...I will surrender.

5 things i have to do to loose weight

5. Regulate my diet. No fastfood, no sweets, no softdrinks, no additional rices and cut off my intake of meat.

4. Walk every afternoon home. It's a good one kilometer walk which is perfect.

3. Possibly jog around Fuente Circle every morning before six.

2. Do jump ropes while im at it. Might loose me some flab in the arms.

1. When im craving for food, help myself with some crackers. No fats, just carbs.

Fuck! i am so tired of hearing people telling me how fucking fat i am. i watch tyra and i get inspired by her but it's not what happens in reality. people still can't accept that i'll always be extra fucking fat. so im taking this up a notch. they want skinny---> i'll give them anorexic. kidding aside, if everything else fails, i can always resolve to..

PILLS.

College Days

Today's the 19th of June. Almost a week since the start of classes (?). I know I vowed to update on the first day but that was impossible. haha, i had a lot of crises during first day. first, the room crises. i didn't move to the room that I paid for til saturday, last saturday. so anyway, I wasn't really that pissed because I had really cool roommates. One was Ate Lourdes. Man, she is a 100 and 1 percent talker and sociable. well she just talks. haha, fortunately i was a good listener so we learned to like each other. i also had two other roomates. one is ate edelyn and ate hazel. they're from Bacolod and they're already working. I love the three of them.

so talking about first day, we had no classes the whole day. Not one of the teachers showed up except for Mr. Alota, who marked all our block absent because the student council decided to have mass on his period. ugh! well anyway, second meeting turned out fine. made a lot of friends. some good, some not soo good. some rich and most not so rich. A LOT have guts while few don't.

Hmmn and I got fucking lost last 12th, it was horrible! i was on my way home on a jeep, was suppoosed to get off at COlon but i totally passed the frickin place without noticing and reached all the way to somewhere dark and freaky and unheard of. so i rode a jeep again and probably walked then and here for 25 minutes before I was able to ride a taxi by intentionally risking myself to get hit.

oh and im also doing my own laundry and ironing! it's so cool that im doing it. and im watching deathnote right now. it's one of the CRAZIEST and ENTERTAINING anime ever made. i know i always say that but the story is WAY too twisted for an anime. *lol*

and

i miss my family back home

i hate to admit it but i really do. i miss my mom especially, my sister, my stepdad, my computer, my bed, my house, my dogs, everything Isabel. It's boring there but it's where i call home. i'd like to go home soon but I think that's not gonna happen. classes are starting to get started. it sounds crazy but that's college.

well that's all for now. i have to get home and watch some shinigamis. n_n

leaving

tomorrow morning i'll be leaving..setting my foot to new world. college, that is.

the feeling that im having right now is surreal. really, really weird. i don't feel excited though and i don't feel nervous either. im feeling just normal. which is weird because in my opinion, i should be feeling nauseous or nostalgic. heck, i don't even think i'll miss the house!

well anyway, im looking forward for new adventures, new companies, new experiences. im not looking for more fun, just different. my classes start at june 13 and i'll be posting on that day so when people read this when im dead, they'll know how i went through my awkward first day in college.

and also, i don't think im going to post more often because college days are busy days. i only have four classes though but the subjects are for two hours tops. but when i read my schedule, i was quite happy. happy with the subjects because they were all my favorites.

math? *lol* algebra and i love algebra. i don't think i'll be having problems with pe either because earl said we'll be dancing the whole semester. well i think that would be all. i have to turn in...got a boat to catch first thing in the morning.

see you first day!

FOOD TRIP!

these posts are fucking LATE.

May 30, 2007

At Petes.......



it wasn't really food trip at pete's because the food was nothing close to classy. it was a simple counter.style restaurant type of think..like what you do in an ordniary cafeteria. the food was cafteria-ish too. lol. but anyway, the food was good but what was better was their displays of antiques. there were really beautiful..from dolls to the sto. nino to birds to clocks--> got me clicking whole morning!


At RED Ribbon....



this cake is from red ribbon. it's like a pile of graham crackers, chocolate and cream--> it's so delicious!! it's called the

Chocolate Marjoliane

Fancy name, huh? Wait till u get a taste..lol

At the Venetian Coffee...



the venetian coffee was just a small cafe house near the movie theaters of sm but the food rocked! this was my dinner --> a "something fishy" sandwich and a St. Nicholas shake. Loved shrek 3 by the way!!


May 31, 2007

At the MAJESTIC..



Beautiful. Enough said, haha. The food was good too --> loved the bird's nest soup. oh i accidentally sent a quail egg siomai flying across the room. haha an Oops moments that NOBODY (except the poor lady who stepped on it lol) noticed. yay me.

My Reasons to Hate

Top 5 Reasons why I hate my SELF

5. im insecure just about anything (my weight, my face, me height, myself..name it and i suck at it)
4. i have a lot of psychological complexes. (i haven't had myself checked by a shrink but i know im insane)
3. I have no motivations, no inspirations, no drives. None at all. Nada.
2. I don't seem to finish what I start. At ALL. EVER.
1. I pretend. That is who I am ---> a fucking pretend.

Top 5 Reasons why I hate my MOM

5. She is so NOT cool.
4. She PRETENDS to be cool. --> and she pretends to know everything!
3. She has no way of being affectionate to me and my sister.
2. She always finds reasons to take all her anger out on us.
1. She makes me feel ugly 95% of the time. (it's always an ALWAYS when we go to the mall and i have blouses that don't fit me because

I'm FAT

she always yells and raves about how ugly and FAT i am)

P.S.: I mean seriously, don't mothers usually tell their children how beautiful they are instead of making them feel INSECURE? Ugh! More often that not, I feel like I should have been born to someone else...whatever. But of course my mom. She IS after all my mother. But there are just really a lot of times when she gets under my skin.

Top 5 Reason why I hate my SISTER

5. She THE laziest freak ever!!
4. She never listens to me
3. SHe thinks she's so smart
2. She is VERY and i mean VERY vulgar (no sense of fashion, no interest in class...pfft!!)
1. She is the MOST sarcastic bitch ever. Once she goes sarcasric all of a sudden, i always feel the urge of taking hold of a scissor and shaving her head off.

---that is all for now. I'm just really mad at this moments so I have to come up with this list. and if my mom or my sister should ever read this, then GOOD. at least they know they ruin my life once in a while.