so the drama

so ive been designing blog templates lately and this one im using right now is actually my third one. haha..im so proud! anyways, there had been a series of black-out since yesterday and well, i finally went to ormoc on my own last saturday. my inspiration also came back after i received an amazing 120 reviews. isn't that revitalizing?

well anyway, the blackout today got me thinking. *sighs* have you ever wondered why sometimes the things you wish to forget are the things you often remember? ive forcing myself to forget him already and how happy i feel when i hear his voice or when he jokes around...it's weird but i just can't get him off my mind. everything just reminds me of his eyes, his smile, everything. then i look at the phone and wonder if he'll ever call me soon or i check out my mail and hope to see a message, even a short one from him, asking if i was okay, what i was doing, stuff about me that he used to ask when we were still best-friend-close. i try to erase his secrets from my memory but it haunts every damn time i lie down and ponder. i feel so stupid right now because i feel so inferior, like im the biggest fool of all. but whatever really. i guess it's better this way because it'll prevent me from hurting more in the future now that we're graduating and all. but hey, maybe i'll find someone else better when i go to college. i just want to kick myself for realizing this late that we don't deserve each other and we're too different to ever become each others' fate. it was stupid to ever consider that. the things we thought were destiny were merely coincidences. maybe because we're both clumsy and careless and independent and moody and pretentious.

but our similarities stop there. we don't have anything else in common. but it feels good to know that he's as stupid as i am because he goes around fooling himself everybody likes him and everybody is interested in his secrets, his life and everything that he has to say. he's stupid for ever thinking that i would still chase him after what he did and said to me. he's stupid for ever thinking that saying sorry was enough. he destroyed our friendship but furthermore, he destroyed my trust, contrary to what he alleged me of doing. im not mad at him, im just thankful i realized soon enough that i deserved better than mr-everybody-wants-me. but thinking about me thinking about him all the time just makes me wanna rip up my scalp. im so fed up with my thoughts but no matter how i try, i can't get them to go away.

*heaves chest* well i finally let it out. i just have to let out. well, to him, i dedicate this poem...

When everyone surfaces, I drown
And I waste in every rapid wave
I try to speak and breathe at the same time
But all that goes out of me are sparkles of water

When time comes that green monsters destroy me
I close my eyes and just smile to myself
It doesn't matter whatever becomes of me
As long as he stil says hello

In dreams I waste myself
Making foolish thoughts of tomorrow
I hated him for being so amiable
And I guess he'd never change

Confused by every second he's near
Is it just me or did we really have it?
So with a smile and an invisible tear
"Goodbye to every dream with you..."

Go to hell sucka! I deserve better than you! puss off!