okay, so here's what happened to me on Valentines. But first, u guys have to know that I don't usually think that day is so important but since everybody else does, well, what the heck, i just had to go with the flow. truth to be told, i actually woke up nice. i should have expected that the narrow street corner in STo. Rosario would be crowded with flower vendors selling overpriced roses. i wanted to get one for myself but i was just soo broke i couldn't even buy myself water.
i got to school and cwts class was quite the drama. sir khleint was acting strange, saying that would probably be the last meeting he'd have with us. he wouldn't tell us why though. so anyway, we ended up having all those who had nice singing voices in class sing for him. danielle even cried. gah, i almost did.
the day before that, our English 2 teacher gave us an assignment: list 14 ways how to make your Valentines memorable. Lolz. Here's mine.
1. kiss all my friends. (which i did)
2. greet all the people i meet (i also did)
3. participate well in class (which i tried but let the teachers be the judge)
4. wear a smile all day (i had a hard time with this one since there were some little events which triggered a curse or too...like for example: the effing traffic)
5. FLIRT WITH A STRANGER (i failed to do 'cause I only get the guts to flirt from 1-2 bottles of beer and I didn't drink.
6. listen to MASS. (i wanted to but i didn't catch the last one)
7. watch a tear-jerker romance (what the eff, i watched porn instead haha)
8. buy myself a rose (i WANTED TO but i was really broke. danielle's tall new friend, Randy, gave me one though, he was soo sweet ps: tall guys are not my type)
9. PIG OUT!!! (didn't actually happen, since you can't call a cup of rice, an egg and some corn beef pigging out)
10. greet my mom, my sister and my family. (which i did. yay)
11. text all my friends ( i did but only few of 'em replied. tse)
12. write a good blog entry (dude, i didn't have the time. that's why im writing this now)
13. do a good deed (well, i am letting danielle stay with me.)
14. BE HAPPY FOR MYSELF (and i was)
hnmn, this was the first time i ever celebrated Valentines. but what was sad about it was when you see all these couples hugging, kissing, being really close, you realize that you don't have anyone to do all those sweet things to. you don't have anyone to hold an umbrella for you when it rains, to give you a rose, or kiss you goodnight. it sounds all so random but when you see how they look at each other, it makes you wanna melt, it makes you aware that you don't have any of that. and that makes me really jealous. well, at least i got two flowers. one from meg, and the other from Randy. [sighs] well, that was valentines for me. Hopefully, next year's won't be as lonely. [lol]
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Monday, February 04, 2008
ENOUGH
I've had enough.
I should have sooner. But maybe I had fun fooling around with myself, thinking that things could happen when they can't. I'm tired. I give up. I loose. And that's something I shouldn't mope about. I'm used to loosing. I'm used to having regrets. I'm a looser. So what?
Right now, I'm sick with a fever, a cold and another broken heart. I'll never be good enough for anybody. Or maybe it's just me, being selfish, because I don't want to share. Because I'm jealous that in their world, I'm just a passer-by. That I'm not someone they'll remember when they get old. That there are two hundred other people they'd prefer to be with than me.
Or maybe it's just me, being stupid. Because I expect too much, because I want someone to think about me that way I always think about them. Maybe I want someone, for the first fucking time, to love me back. Maybe, this time, I want someone's world to revolve around me. Maybe I'm sick of falling in love and getting hurt every time because it's always one-sided, because in the end, it'll only be just me.
I want to cry. And I know no one's going to care anyway. Because no one really needs me. Because I know my tears will be useless. Because I'm weak. Because I'm scared. And because every time I am, no one is there to tell me it's going to be okay.
Friends?
Do they really know who I am? Do they really need me or they just have me for that stupid wall that everybody leans on? And maybe I'm tired of being that stupid wall. I'm tired of being there for everybody and not have anybody to be there for me. And maybe, for once, I don't want to help and be selfish and curse and hurt someone. Maybe I don't want to be apprehended. Because I want to help and make people happy in my own time. I don't want them depending on me. Because it hurts every time I see them and the first thing they say is "panlibre beh" and maybe it's because it's my fault.
I was a bad wall. I'm a bad friend.
Or maybe I'm just being crazy. Because my head's spinning and I can't think. Maybe it's just me again, letting my emotions get ahead of me. Maybe I just want attention. Maybe I just wanna dig in the pillow and cry until it doesn't hurt anymore.
Because I really, really want to cry. Because every time I look at myself in the mirror, I don't find any reason to smile. Because I'm not pretty and I'm not beautiful and I'm not fucking good enough! Because I don't love what I see and I don't love who I am because who I am is selfish and lonely and weak. And maybe that's the reason why I always loose.
Because I'm always insecure. Because I'm not confident enought to win. Maybe because when I try to be happy, there's always twice a reason to be sad. Because life is not just about goods and graces, it's about suffering and realizing that you can't have everything you want.
And that's what I'm fast-realizing right now. I never had anything that I wanted. And I stop to think that maybe because I don't deserve any of it. Because I'm just a sore looser.
And I've had enough. I give up. You guys win.
I loose.
I should have sooner. But maybe I had fun fooling around with myself, thinking that things could happen when they can't. I'm tired. I give up. I loose. And that's something I shouldn't mope about. I'm used to loosing. I'm used to having regrets. I'm a looser. So what?
Right now, I'm sick with a fever, a cold and another broken heart. I'll never be good enough for anybody. Or maybe it's just me, being selfish, because I don't want to share. Because I'm jealous that in their world, I'm just a passer-by. That I'm not someone they'll remember when they get old. That there are two hundred other people they'd prefer to be with than me.
Or maybe it's just me, being stupid. Because I expect too much, because I want someone to think about me that way I always think about them. Maybe I want someone, for the first fucking time, to love me back. Maybe, this time, I want someone's world to revolve around me. Maybe I'm sick of falling in love and getting hurt every time because it's always one-sided, because in the end, it'll only be just me.
I want to cry. And I know no one's going to care anyway. Because no one really needs me. Because I know my tears will be useless. Because I'm weak. Because I'm scared. And because every time I am, no one is there to tell me it's going to be okay.
Friends?
Do they really know who I am? Do they really need me or they just have me for that stupid wall that everybody leans on? And maybe I'm tired of being that stupid wall. I'm tired of being there for everybody and not have anybody to be there for me. And maybe, for once, I don't want to help and be selfish and curse and hurt someone. Maybe I don't want to be apprehended. Because I want to help and make people happy in my own time. I don't want them depending on me. Because it hurts every time I see them and the first thing they say is "panlibre beh" and maybe it's because it's my fault.
I was a bad wall. I'm a bad friend.
Or maybe I'm just being crazy. Because my head's spinning and I can't think. Maybe it's just me again, letting my emotions get ahead of me. Maybe I just want attention. Maybe I just wanna dig in the pillow and cry until it doesn't hurt anymore.
Because I really, really want to cry. Because every time I look at myself in the mirror, I don't find any reason to smile. Because I'm not pretty and I'm not beautiful and I'm not fucking good enough! Because I don't love what I see and I don't love who I am because who I am is selfish and lonely and weak. And maybe that's the reason why I always loose.
Because I'm always insecure. Because I'm not confident enought to win. Maybe because when I try to be happy, there's always twice a reason to be sad. Because life is not just about goods and graces, it's about suffering and realizing that you can't have everything you want.
And that's what I'm fast-realizing right now. I never had anything that I wanted. And I stop to think that maybe because I don't deserve any of it. Because I'm just a sore looser.
And I've had enough. I give up. You guys win.
I loose.
Saturday, January 05, 2008
my impossible (?) dream
im surprised im actually writing something in here. well, that's something i would call a miracle.
yesterday was different. i faced the computer whole day, waiting for the kat-tun concert i was downloading to finish. my mom was out. my sister was pretty out of it because she was up until 3'oclock in the morning. *sighs* yesterday was my last whole day in my house. today im going to have to leave again. bummer.
since there was nothing good to do, i just lied there on my bed and started to drift away in another daydream. we just finished the second season of Gokusen so we still had after-drools. kame and jin was soo hot that i suddenly remembered that one impossible dream:
BE A PORN STAR.
i know, i know. for someone who doesn't look the part, it's pretty impossible. but i believe in myself, that i can make myself look beautiful in the eyes of other people. i don't wanna be a pornstar because im a sex-maniac but because i think being able to do those things on tv speaks a lot about a person and how confident he/she is. i've never really been confident. i can talk to people but somewhere inside me, i know i think im not as good enough.
being physically beautiful is top priority if you want yourself sold. because people look at that first. and if you don't pass the first test, you fail the rest. that's why im trying really hard to loose weight. i've tried crash diet and it actually works. whatever. it was no use anyway because i gained them back over Christmas. tse.
oh and i vow, i will VOW, to go to Japan and make myself popular there.
okay, okay. *sighs* im sorry im not making any sense. my writer's block just got frickin worse. i just stare at the blank screen and wind up deleting every letter i write. sometimes it wears me off and gets me really depressed but i think ive gotten used to it. i don't know when i'll get my inspiration back but i feel that it will come soon. and when it does, the words'll just flow.
yesterday was different. i faced the computer whole day, waiting for the kat-tun concert i was downloading to finish. my mom was out. my sister was pretty out of it because she was up until 3'oclock in the morning. *sighs* yesterday was my last whole day in my house. today im going to have to leave again. bummer.
since there was nothing good to do, i just lied there on my bed and started to drift away in another daydream. we just finished the second season of Gokusen so we still had after-drools. kame and jin was soo hot that i suddenly remembered that one impossible dream:
BE A PORN STAR.
i know, i know. for someone who doesn't look the part, it's pretty impossible. but i believe in myself, that i can make myself look beautiful in the eyes of other people. i don't wanna be a pornstar because im a sex-maniac but because i think being able to do those things on tv speaks a lot about a person and how confident he/she is. i've never really been confident. i can talk to people but somewhere inside me, i know i think im not as good enough.
being physically beautiful is top priority if you want yourself sold. because people look at that first. and if you don't pass the first test, you fail the rest. that's why im trying really hard to loose weight. i've tried crash diet and it actually works. whatever. it was no use anyway because i gained them back over Christmas. tse.
oh and i vow, i will VOW, to go to Japan and make myself popular there.
okay, okay. *sighs* im sorry im not making any sense. my writer's block just got frickin worse. i just stare at the blank screen and wind up deleting every letter i write. sometimes it wears me off and gets me really depressed but i think ive gotten used to it. i don't know when i'll get my inspiration back but i feel that it will come soon. and when it does, the words'll just flow.
Thursday, January 03, 2008
am i a writer or am i not?
totally blocked out.
those words are probably the best way to describe the writing hiatus that im going through right now. (sighs) writers keep journals. and when you say keep, it means keep, like KEEP writing in it. well, i haven't written in here for four months or something. god, what am i doing? am i a writer or am i not?
i haven't even written anything for Christmas or new year.
well, this Christmas (don't mean to be so blunt and all) was kind of dull compared to last year. i don't why but i feel that way. but new years was great because i get to call my friends. oh and we went to mass. haha. i am so boring, aren't I?
however, i did realize something at the turn of the new year. and i have now come to accept it. i love meg. i don't care if i break a dozen of society rules or if i harbor a million raising eyebrows. the love i feel for her transcends beyond gender. and isn't love unconditional anyway? and if God, if God doesn't allow this kind of love, then why the hell would He let me feel it? God, I just can't stop thinking about her and when i heard her voice when i called her, my heart just somersaulted.
she knows that i love her but i don't want us to get into anything serious. except into a serious friendship. because she's leaving and she's never coming back and people leaving me is always something that I don't get over with, with just over a couple of blog entries or black roast coffee cans or friendly advices.
i don't want to get hurt.
i mean if i get hurt with her, then i'll take the risk. but she's not going to be with me. so i guess i'll just have to wallow in my misery again and write when it finally explodes into words. well, am i a writer or am i not?
i wrote a story about a demon going into high-school and experiencing love first-hand. i couldn't finish writing the third chapter! crap! am i a writer or am i NOT?!!!
oh and i just found out that being born in the year of the horse is bad luck this year. wow. what a perfect year opener for me, dontyathink?
im not writing anything good, am i? (sighs) i guess i need more romantic tv shows, books, messages and phonecalls to get my ass to work. i guess i have to end this crap here. don't wanna bore your guts any more than im sure it already is...xxx
those words are probably the best way to describe the writing hiatus that im going through right now. (sighs) writers keep journals. and when you say keep, it means keep, like KEEP writing in it. well, i haven't written in here for four months or something. god, what am i doing? am i a writer or am i not?
i haven't even written anything for Christmas or new year.
well, this Christmas (don't mean to be so blunt and all) was kind of dull compared to last year. i don't why but i feel that way. but new years was great because i get to call my friends. oh and we went to mass. haha. i am so boring, aren't I?
however, i did realize something at the turn of the new year. and i have now come to accept it. i love meg. i don't care if i break a dozen of society rules or if i harbor a million raising eyebrows. the love i feel for her transcends beyond gender. and isn't love unconditional anyway? and if God, if God doesn't allow this kind of love, then why the hell would He let me feel it? God, I just can't stop thinking about her and when i heard her voice when i called her, my heart just somersaulted.
she knows that i love her but i don't want us to get into anything serious. except into a serious friendship. because she's leaving and she's never coming back and people leaving me is always something that I don't get over with, with just over a couple of blog entries or black roast coffee cans or friendly advices.
i don't want to get hurt.
i mean if i get hurt with her, then i'll take the risk. but she's not going to be with me. so i guess i'll just have to wallow in my misery again and write when it finally explodes into words. well, am i a writer or am i not?
i wrote a story about a demon going into high-school and experiencing love first-hand. i couldn't finish writing the third chapter! crap! am i a writer or am i NOT?!!!
oh and i just found out that being born in the year of the horse is bad luck this year. wow. what a perfect year opener for me, dontyathink?
im not writing anything good, am i? (sighs) i guess i need more romantic tv shows, books, messages and phonecalls to get my ass to work. i guess i have to end this crap here. don't wanna bore your guts any more than im sure it already is...xxx
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
My Break
there's only one thing really important to say about this year's semester break: it's fucking FUN.
my friends have come to the house almost three times last week. and we had somewhere to go to for two three consecutive days. it was fun. really fun. well it all started sunday, during my godson (oooh i have a godson!!) clarence's christening. i was soo excited to be a ninang! so we all went to christine's house for the reception and ate a lot. then we sort of caught up with each other's lives and after everything ran out, we drank chamador. ooh, it was delicious. it was this really good white wine that tastes better, a lot better than Novelino. so after we drank wine, as expected, we all decided to head to our house. where we continued our thang.
the boys found porn in my bro's laptop so they kind of got hooked. well, boys WILL be boys. us girls stayed in my room where we watched...uhm,.. ok so the movie wasn't really fun so some of us kind of joined the boys heehee. but we DID NOT DO ANYTHING. i mean, get real. we were friends. we don't do porno stuff to each other. so those others who couldn't find anything else to do resorted to talking. that includes me. time passed and they had to leave but we agreed to meet at school the following day. our excuse? to get our yearbook, which sucked by the way. it came out really ugly. urgh. the newsletter was a little better but was just as bad. the articles were poorly-written. whatever.
so monday we agreed to meet at nine. but guess when those germs (kagaw) showed up? yep guessed it right, 10:30. some filipino time we got going there. caren even went to my house because she thought we already went there when all along we were just talking with ms. renegado in her office. so she had to go back to school. we saw rachele too. and i slipped down a little fucking slope. the bastards didn't even help me. tsk. so we just kind of sat there talking for about two hours and we realized we were hungry and it was lunch time and they all kind of looked at me with the can-we-eat-lunch-at-your-house look. i couldn't say no. hell i couldn't. so i told them they could if they would agree to do the cooking. they happily agreed and we went here. so we cooked hotdogs, the traditional pancit canton and some corn-beef. it sounded like breakfast but the food we had wasn't going to be enough for seven people. after lunch we headed upstairs and continued our routine. boys=porno. girls=decent movie/talking/surfing the net, etc. oh, we also caught shiele and michelle on y.m. so we talked to them. fun.
tuesday came and i had my period. period=dysmenhorrea (damn, i dunno how to spell it!). gael texted me about charmaine's debut. which means we need a car. ezra called me to tell me the obvious and to obviously ask me if we could like use our car. i wasn't so happy about that but they really wanted to go. and i couldn't say no. hell no i couldn't. so i asked my mom really nice and smooth if we could use the car. happily she approved and we all got dressed for the party. we reached charmaine's, greeted her, ate, took pictures, ate, strolled around town, talked, took pictures and waited for the car. the car arrived, took us to MY house where again, we proceeded to our routine. it was kind of fun having them at such an hour that i considered the thought of asking them to sleep over. but I'm SURE my mom would MIND that very much. i was going to leave on thursday so i asked them if they could come back on monday. they were only too happy to hear it and of course, OBLIGE.
i went to cebu for enrollment. damn, the lines were fucking long. i saw meg and there was still something but i tried to keep my distance. maybe i can get over her that way. and you know what, i think it worked. i kind of avoided thinking about her for the rest of the day, which is a really, really good sign. i was leaving the same day that night. i was happy to hear that i was leaving with caren, bridget, caren's cousnin ling-ling, earl and rowell. it was fun. finally, i got to strangle earl for a very long time now.
i also went to cebu for another reason: for daisy. well, you know, daisy was my best friend since elementary and i was really glad she went home. we rendezvous at ayala and she gave me some chocolates and this really really beautiful neclace and bangles. i felt soooo guilty i didn't get her anything. they were in a hurry so she can't sleep over at my house. but she did come over saturday and we had fun reading ouran and catching up.
sunday, ytel and lynjun went here. ytel had really small and red eyes. and she told me cd died. i felt soo sad for her because it was obvious and I know how she loved that dog. she went there to tell me she coldn't make it monday. i wasn't happy to hear it but i kind of understand. i told her it was okay and they left.
monday came. election, too. we went over to dolly's and voted her. we could see she really worked hard for this. she looked really tired but i knew she was happy to see us. i hope she wins. she deserves to win. and it was really cute when she just stood up there, made a speech about how experience can't be bought with money and then she cried. poor dolly. but i know she'll win. afternoon came and we went to my house to wait for the others to arrive. they arrived. chipoy and earl arrived. the two later boys wanted to see the porn for themselves but wasn't in the mood so we watched something rated r instead: dorm daze. it got us laughing. fun. then, i sort of got the drift that they were getting hungry so i bought them siopao and ice cream, because ezra wanted ice cream and i couldn't say no. hell no i couldn't. we ate went back upstairs and watched another rated r. movie: getting it. haven't really watched it yet but i watched it together with the gang. was fun after all. it was already seven and they had to leave and once again i am soo left alone. with my sister in baguio and mom somewhere else, and my friends gone...T_T, i could only wallow in my misery.
today i woke up nice. i look forward to more days with my friends. they put fun in my life and it's with them that i become someone with a someone else. someone not alone and complete. that's no drama bullshit, dude. i'm telling it the exact way i feel. well, i wrote really long, huh? im sort of making up for not posting regularly as i used to. end here. xxx
my friends have come to the house almost three times last week. and we had somewhere to go to for two three consecutive days. it was fun. really fun. well it all started sunday, during my godson (oooh i have a godson!!) clarence's christening. i was soo excited to be a ninang! so we all went to christine's house for the reception and ate a lot. then we sort of caught up with each other's lives and after everything ran out, we drank chamador. ooh, it was delicious. it was this really good white wine that tastes better, a lot better than Novelino. so after we drank wine, as expected, we all decided to head to our house. where we continued our thang.
the boys found porn in my bro's laptop so they kind of got hooked. well, boys WILL be boys. us girls stayed in my room where we watched...uhm,.. ok so the movie wasn't really fun so some of us kind of joined the boys heehee. but we DID NOT DO ANYTHING. i mean, get real. we were friends. we don't do porno stuff to each other. so those others who couldn't find anything else to do resorted to talking. that includes me. time passed and they had to leave but we agreed to meet at school the following day. our excuse? to get our yearbook, which sucked by the way. it came out really ugly. urgh. the newsletter was a little better but was just as bad. the articles were poorly-written. whatever.
so monday we agreed to meet at nine. but guess when those germs (kagaw) showed up? yep guessed it right, 10:30. some filipino time we got going there. caren even went to my house because she thought we already went there when all along we were just talking with ms. renegado in her office. so she had to go back to school. we saw rachele too. and i slipped down a little fucking slope. the bastards didn't even help me. tsk. so we just kind of sat there talking for about two hours and we realized we were hungry and it was lunch time and they all kind of looked at me with the can-we-eat-lunch-at-your-house look. i couldn't say no. hell i couldn't. so i told them they could if they would agree to do the cooking. they happily agreed and we went here. so we cooked hotdogs, the traditional pancit canton and some corn-beef. it sounded like breakfast but the food we had wasn't going to be enough for seven people. after lunch we headed upstairs and continued our routine. boys=porno. girls=decent movie/talking/surfing the net, etc. oh, we also caught shiele and michelle on y.m. so we talked to them. fun.
tuesday came and i had my period. period=dysmenhorrea (damn, i dunno how to spell it!). gael texted me about charmaine's debut. which means we need a car. ezra called me to tell me the obvious and to obviously ask me if we could like use our car. i wasn't so happy about that but they really wanted to go. and i couldn't say no. hell no i couldn't. so i asked my mom really nice and smooth if we could use the car. happily she approved and we all got dressed for the party. we reached charmaine's, greeted her, ate, took pictures, ate, strolled around town, talked, took pictures and waited for the car. the car arrived, took us to MY house where again, we proceeded to our routine. it was kind of fun having them at such an hour that i considered the thought of asking them to sleep over. but I'm SURE my mom would MIND that very much. i was going to leave on thursday so i asked them if they could come back on monday. they were only too happy to hear it and of course, OBLIGE.
i went to cebu for enrollment. damn, the lines were fucking long. i saw meg and there was still something but i tried to keep my distance. maybe i can get over her that way. and you know what, i think it worked. i kind of avoided thinking about her for the rest of the day, which is a really, really good sign. i was leaving the same day that night. i was happy to hear that i was leaving with caren, bridget, caren's cousnin ling-ling, earl and rowell. it was fun. finally, i got to strangle earl for a very long time now.
i also went to cebu for another reason: for daisy. well, you know, daisy was my best friend since elementary and i was really glad she went home. we rendezvous at ayala and she gave me some chocolates and this really really beautiful neclace and bangles. i felt soooo guilty i didn't get her anything. they were in a hurry so she can't sleep over at my house. but she did come over saturday and we had fun reading ouran and catching up.
sunday, ytel and lynjun went here. ytel had really small and red eyes. and she told me cd died. i felt soo sad for her because it was obvious and I know how she loved that dog. she went there to tell me she coldn't make it monday. i wasn't happy to hear it but i kind of understand. i told her it was okay and they left.
monday came. election, too. we went over to dolly's and voted her. we could see she really worked hard for this. she looked really tired but i knew she was happy to see us. i hope she wins. she deserves to win. and it was really cute when she just stood up there, made a speech about how experience can't be bought with money and then she cried. poor dolly. but i know she'll win. afternoon came and we went to my house to wait for the others to arrive. they arrived. chipoy and earl arrived. the two later boys wanted to see the porn for themselves but wasn't in the mood so we watched something rated r instead: dorm daze. it got us laughing. fun. then, i sort of got the drift that they were getting hungry so i bought them siopao and ice cream, because ezra wanted ice cream and i couldn't say no. hell no i couldn't. we ate went back upstairs and watched another rated r. movie: getting it. haven't really watched it yet but i watched it together with the gang. was fun after all. it was already seven and they had to leave and once again i am soo left alone. with my sister in baguio and mom somewhere else, and my friends gone...T_T, i could only wallow in my misery.
today i woke up nice. i look forward to more days with my friends. they put fun in my life and it's with them that i become someone with a someone else. someone not alone and complete. that's no drama bullshit, dude. i'm telling it the exact way i feel. well, i wrote really long, huh? im sort of making up for not posting regularly as i used to. end here. xxx
Saturday, September 15, 2007
My Identity Crisis
For the record, I've never been someone who has ever doubted the nature of her identity. And when I say identity, I mean something being related to gender. And with regards to gender, I've always been sure that I'm everything a girl is. That is, when I met this really amazing girl. Shit. Talk about gay.
Well, when I first saw her, there was nothing really. But I did want to talk to her. And when I got to, I thought she was realy interesting because she has this thorough opinion about everything. It was when I got to know her that I realized I might be heading into the road where gays, lesbians, bisexuals and deviant genders trod...When you talk about looking gay, I'm far from that because I dress like a girl, I walk like a girl (better that most girls in fact), I talk like a girl and I'm in love with Mr. Darcy...who is a man but is not real.
Well, for starters. She's different. SHe loves to be different. She sings, she dances, does the fucking moonwalk, writes serious deep bloody and pretty nasty stories, she speaks with conviction and she's probably the sweetest person I've ever known. She hates conventionalism, like I do. She's a perfect rockstar because she plays every fucking instrument you give her. She's into history and political science and she loves what's-his-name rodrigo. When you try to spell looks, she's beautiful, her eyes just drown you and her smile is perfect.
omigod. i really got it bad, don't i? shit. i absolutely do not have any bloody idea what to do? im sure im not gay but every time i see her, the world just falls around me and it makes me feel like an insane love-sick teenager. i always look for her when she's not around and i feel butterflies whenever she is and i feel like im falling in love with her. and the best part of all this is she's a bisexual. i've told my new friends about it and they said it's all just a phase. hmm, i bloodly hope they're right. because frankly, i don't think im cut out to be gay. im just way too girly to fall in love with my own sex.
well whatever. i just had to write it down.
Well, when I first saw her, there was nothing really. But I did want to talk to her. And when I got to, I thought she was realy interesting because she has this thorough opinion about everything. It was when I got to know her that I realized I might be heading into the road where gays, lesbians, bisexuals and deviant genders trod...When you talk about looking gay, I'm far from that because I dress like a girl, I walk like a girl (better that most girls in fact), I talk like a girl and I'm in love with Mr. Darcy...who is a man but is not real.
Well, for starters. She's different. SHe loves to be different. She sings, she dances, does the fucking moonwalk, writes serious deep bloody and pretty nasty stories, she speaks with conviction and she's probably the sweetest person I've ever known. She hates conventionalism, like I do. She's a perfect rockstar because she plays every fucking instrument you give her. She's into history and political science and she loves what's-his-name rodrigo. When you try to spell looks, she's beautiful, her eyes just drown you and her smile is perfect.
omigod. i really got it bad, don't i? shit. i absolutely do not have any bloody idea what to do? im sure im not gay but every time i see her, the world just falls around me and it makes me feel like an insane love-sick teenager. i always look for her when she's not around and i feel butterflies whenever she is and i feel like im falling in love with her. and the best part of all this is she's a bisexual. i've told my new friends about it and they said it's all just a phase. hmm, i bloodly hope they're right. because frankly, i don't think im cut out to be gay. im just way too girly to fall in love with my own sex.
well whatever. i just had to write it down.
Monday, August 20, 2007
The Saturday that Sorta SUCKED
well, first i want to say sorry for posting really late but the saturday im referring to was last August 18. it sucked...but not really "sucked" sucked. the middle of the day was really fun. but the beginning and the end part, allow me to just scoff.
well i woke up at 5:30. slept again. woke up again at 6:00. i had tryst with hannah and lori that we would meet at jolibee at 6:30. I arrived 6:45. Jolibee wasn't yet opened so Lori (who arrived a minute before me) and I stood outside to wait for Hannah. 6:50, there was no hannah. 7:00, jolibee opened, no hannah. so we went inside and this lady who had a phone but can't send a message because she couldn't see asked me to type the message for her. it would have been easy if her cellphone wasn't such a difficult piece of crap. I couldn't write a word without mispelling it. Personally, it irked me but the lady asked me nicely and I couldn't very well turn her down. So after I sent the message to her friend named "GWAPA", hannah finally arrived and we rode a jeep to talamban, hoping we could still make it to the 7:30 attendance check.
so we arrived at 7:36 or something and looked everywhere to find our "EXCELLENT" PE teacher only to find jo and gierine. gierine was hungry so the five of us proceeded to the canteen where I strangely ate breakfast. Strangely because I didn't think I'd be hungry that morning considering the six balls of siomai i consumed the night before. ugh, and i remember that pineapple juice i spilled on the jeep. well anyway, so we waited until eight. still no teacher in sight. then it was announced on-air that we should all proceed to the field. we all did. 8:35, attendance was finally checked. so much for fucking 7:30. we danced and sucked at the same time, the others were good though.
we all wanted to leave but our "EXCELLENT" PE teacher said there was still a second around and that our presence will be checked a second time. it all ticked us off but we had to stay. 11:30 and we got asked to go back to the field. and we were made to sing the national anthem and that stupid fucking high-pitched USC hymn. oh and before that our PE teacher told us we had to go back at 1:00 for the costume. maybe it was *BITCH* day because we were again bummed out that we still had to stay until one. and then after we sang, our "EXCELLENT" (oh and did i mention that she was pregnant) PE teacher changed her TWISTED mind and re-scheduled the claiming of the costumes to THREE 'OCLOCK. now if we were bummed out at one, imagine how we actually felt when it was changed to THREE. GOD! forgive me for using Your name in vain but at that moment i just wanna jump at that teacher and pull off all her hair. she actually ruined all my plans for the afternoon. i know it's selfish but i don't want changing my plans. it REALLY REALLy REALLY made me fuckin mad that i cursed her in my mind from the time i got home to the time i arrived at talamban.
So we had 30 minutes left for ART, it's like a play that we all HAD TO watch. but don't mistake me as one of them, because even if we didn't have to, I WOULDN'T fucking miss it. So we arrived in time...sorta...and there were no more chairs that could get us a really nice view. thankfully, hannah found some and we got settled. the play was amazing. it starred only three characters, played by Ricky Davao, Michael de Mesa and some other guy who was probably in his early forties but was still really good-looking. there was only one set, too. the setting was simple, yet elegant and everything ended well.
the play was about 3 friends. Serge, the deep-thinking, impressionist-art-lover, man-of-his-time art collector, Mar, the shallow-and-narrow-minded, ill tempered what-was-his-job? and Jun, the airheaded, no-opinion something-to-do-with-paper employee. quite the attraction of the opposites huh? so serge bought this vallardo original for 200,000 pesos. it was 4 by 5 white canvass, with white background, and some diagonal white lines and a straight horizontal white line. if you look at it, you wouldn't believe it was worth all that money because it's technically just a white piece of wood with lines. But Serge, who has this really deep personality, considered it worth it. But MAr got really furious, thinking that serge had gone insane. he actually referred to the painting as "a white piece of shit". that pissed serge off and they parted off fighting.
so mar went to jun, jun went to serge. he tried to bridge the fight but only worsened it. he told mar he agreed that it was "shit" but he told serge the opposite. so they got into a really terrible shithole which jun, in the end while crying, referred to as "the trial period". the only thing that resolved the fight was jun's feltic pen. serge threw it to mar, as if to tell him that "go write something on that white piece of shit." and prove that their friendship was more important than the painting. so mar went and drew a man skiing. the play ended with mar and serge taking the drawing off the painting with some solution that paula (mar's wife) suggested. then mar looked at the painting once more and finally, as if by storm, appreciated it.
so after the play, i met with my new and old classmates. in the end, i had dinner in Mang Inasal with Earl and Richmond. I swear I could feel green eyes upon us. i mean me having dinner with two of the most handsome guys in high-school, how lucky could i get? so my day was getting better. until i got home and lost my temper over my stupid nail polish. i cried a bit, just to release the anger and set off for the ship.
hmmn, that was pretty much it. a sucky saturday. please allow me to fucking scoff.
well i woke up at 5:30. slept again. woke up again at 6:00. i had tryst with hannah and lori that we would meet at jolibee at 6:30. I arrived 6:45. Jolibee wasn't yet opened so Lori (who arrived a minute before me) and I stood outside to wait for Hannah. 6:50, there was no hannah. 7:00, jolibee opened, no hannah. so we went inside and this lady who had a phone but can't send a message because she couldn't see asked me to type the message for her. it would have been easy if her cellphone wasn't such a difficult piece of crap. I couldn't write a word without mispelling it. Personally, it irked me but the lady asked me nicely and I couldn't very well turn her down. So after I sent the message to her friend named "GWAPA", hannah finally arrived and we rode a jeep to talamban, hoping we could still make it to the 7:30 attendance check.
so we arrived at 7:36 or something and looked everywhere to find our "EXCELLENT" PE teacher only to find jo and gierine. gierine was hungry so the five of us proceeded to the canteen where I strangely ate breakfast. Strangely because I didn't think I'd be hungry that morning considering the six balls of siomai i consumed the night before. ugh, and i remember that pineapple juice i spilled on the jeep. well anyway, so we waited until eight. still no teacher in sight. then it was announced on-air that we should all proceed to the field. we all did. 8:35, attendance was finally checked. so much for fucking 7:30. we danced and sucked at the same time, the others were good though.
we all wanted to leave but our "EXCELLENT" PE teacher said there was still a second around and that our presence will be checked a second time. it all ticked us off but we had to stay. 11:30 and we got asked to go back to the field. and we were made to sing the national anthem and that stupid fucking high-pitched USC hymn. oh and before that our PE teacher told us we had to go back at 1:00 for the costume. maybe it was *BITCH* day because we were again bummed out that we still had to stay until one. and then after we sang, our "EXCELLENT" (oh and did i mention that she was pregnant) PE teacher changed her TWISTED mind and re-scheduled the claiming of the costumes to THREE 'OCLOCK. now if we were bummed out at one, imagine how we actually felt when it was changed to THREE. GOD! forgive me for using Your name in vain but at that moment i just wanna jump at that teacher and pull off all her hair. she actually ruined all my plans for the afternoon. i know it's selfish but i don't want changing my plans. it REALLY REALLy REALLY made me fuckin mad that i cursed her in my mind from the time i got home to the time i arrived at talamban.
So we had 30 minutes left for ART, it's like a play that we all HAD TO watch. but don't mistake me as one of them, because even if we didn't have to, I WOULDN'T fucking miss it. So we arrived in time...sorta...and there were no more chairs that could get us a really nice view. thankfully, hannah found some and we got settled. the play was amazing. it starred only three characters, played by Ricky Davao, Michael de Mesa and some other guy who was probably in his early forties but was still really good-looking. there was only one set, too. the setting was simple, yet elegant and everything ended well.
the play was about 3 friends. Serge, the deep-thinking, impressionist-art-lover, man-of-his-time art collector, Mar, the shallow-and-narrow-minded, ill tempered what-was-his-job? and Jun, the airheaded, no-opinion something-to-do-with-paper employee. quite the attraction of the opposites huh? so serge bought this vallardo original for 200,000 pesos. it was 4 by 5 white canvass, with white background, and some diagonal white lines and a straight horizontal white line. if you look at it, you wouldn't believe it was worth all that money because it's technically just a white piece of wood with lines. But Serge, who has this really deep personality, considered it worth it. But MAr got really furious, thinking that serge had gone insane. he actually referred to the painting as "a white piece of shit". that pissed serge off and they parted off fighting.
so mar went to jun, jun went to serge. he tried to bridge the fight but only worsened it. he told mar he agreed that it was "shit" but he told serge the opposite. so they got into a really terrible shithole which jun, in the end while crying, referred to as "the trial period". the only thing that resolved the fight was jun's feltic pen. serge threw it to mar, as if to tell him that "go write something on that white piece of shit." and prove that their friendship was more important than the painting. so mar went and drew a man skiing. the play ended with mar and serge taking the drawing off the painting with some solution that paula (mar's wife) suggested. then mar looked at the painting once more and finally, as if by storm, appreciated it.
so after the play, i met with my new and old classmates. in the end, i had dinner in Mang Inasal with Earl and Richmond. I swear I could feel green eyes upon us. i mean me having dinner with two of the most handsome guys in high-school, how lucky could i get? so my day was getting better. until i got home and lost my temper over my stupid nail polish. i cried a bit, just to release the anger and set off for the ship.
hmmn, that was pretty much it. a sucky saturday. please allow me to fucking scoff.
Friday, August 17, 2007
Wordless Thoughts
My words are lost and I don't know where to find them.
It's been a good five months since I've written anything and every time I begin to write a letter, I develop this funny thing inside my stomach, and suddenly the words begin to disappear. It maybe the so-called "Writers' Block" or it may also be that I never was a writer after all. I mean, retrospectively, what have I written? All those beautiful words stolen from beautiful writers, all those unfinished stories, all those lies? I'm supposed to show the real me in my words but those are gone. Maybe I'm not going to find out who I really am after all.
So lately I've been thinking about writing a whole new chapter of my writing career. Something out of scratch, something that I will read ten years later and boast to my friends that "I wrote this crap". Love stories are where everybody starts. But I don't want to write love stories anymore because every time I do, it always ends unfinished. And I know why. Because I've never been in love. I though I had but I hadn't. It's funny how the words wouldn't come when you're writing something that never happened. It's like a writing law that's been there. Nobody knows it exists but it does and it stops people from writing what they're not. And I respect that law so I'm not going to write anything about love unless I know what it really is, unless I've experienced what people say as "painful happiness"
I can't write about life either. Not because I don't have one but because I'm still 16 and I still have a lot to learn about the world. I've been bragging about how mature I am but the truth is I'm as juvenile as any other kid my age. I also will not write about death. Not because I'm afraid of it but because I've never seen it. I know it and remember it but I haven't been as close to death as a lot of people had been.
I will write however of beauty and strenght and courage.Because I know that even if I don't look the part of a major character in a fairytale, I'm still part of a story. A story that has yet to be written and may have already been written. I don't know where the words will take me, how pauses and periods would make me, but I'll keep on living like Cinderella and Snow White. I will face my own evil-step-mother with courage and I fill find my prince. Or, I will wait for him to come because that is what damsels-in-distress do. But I am not a damsel-in-distress. I am not a spunky princess either. I'm caught in between, between lying in my glass coffin waiting for the kiss to wake me up and riding on a horse in hopes of finally having that fateful meeting where I will touch the hand of a boy and know that he's the one.
I will write of frustration. Because that is what I have. I will put to words the strange moments when I cried just because I have run out of reasons or the time when I threw everything because I lost. ANd then I will write about how I smiled again, and the reasons why. About how I picked everything and tried to fix it. About the times when I spent too much that I almost pawned the necklace that my mom gave me.
I will write about impossible dreams and ambitions. About me being a Japanese singer and marrying a Japanese long-haired actor in a red hoodie and cargo pants. About having the perfect hair, loosing my imperfections and just being perfect while I breathe on the chest of my guy, feeling his hands on my waist as we dance along the melody of some old love song. I will write about having a car and walking around the mall with my friends, with people staring and admiring my perfection. I will write about me making a movie with Billy Zane, Daniel Radcliffe, Leonardo di Caprio and Zac Efron.
In all possible ways, I will write about me. About the million reasons why I make a good person. I will make a list of the people I love and make another list of the reasons why I love them. I will write about the books that I thought was about me, was for me...about the writers whose works I called my own. I will write words about words, about wordless thougths and wordless reasons. About songs and music and melody and keys. I will write about my loneliness, my selfishness, my imperfect perfect self.
I will eat words, chew them and feel them swirling inside me and I will let them out at the perfect moment where I could just sit, smell the rain and be a "true" writer. And then when my words get lost again, I will find them everywhere, in the stories of my favorite authors, in the magical kingdoms of my favorite fairytales, in the smallest experiences that make my life "a life". And if they come to me at last, I will take a pen, a paper, turn on my computer, and I will scribble them so they never get away from me again. But if I don't find them, I will simply take my clothes off, wait for the rain to come and dance and laugh and cry in it naked. I will stay naked and wet and incomplete until I find them. I will wait for the right words, true words and when they finally find me...I will surrender.
It's been a good five months since I've written anything and every time I begin to write a letter, I develop this funny thing inside my stomach, and suddenly the words begin to disappear. It maybe the so-called "Writers' Block" or it may also be that I never was a writer after all. I mean, retrospectively, what have I written? All those beautiful words stolen from beautiful writers, all those unfinished stories, all those lies? I'm supposed to show the real me in my words but those are gone. Maybe I'm not going to find out who I really am after all.
So lately I've been thinking about writing a whole new chapter of my writing career. Something out of scratch, something that I will read ten years later and boast to my friends that "I wrote this crap". Love stories are where everybody starts. But I don't want to write love stories anymore because every time I do, it always ends unfinished. And I know why. Because I've never been in love. I though I had but I hadn't. It's funny how the words wouldn't come when you're writing something that never happened. It's like a writing law that's been there. Nobody knows it exists but it does and it stops people from writing what they're not. And I respect that law so I'm not going to write anything about love unless I know what it really is, unless I've experienced what people say as "painful happiness"
I can't write about life either. Not because I don't have one but because I'm still 16 and I still have a lot to learn about the world. I've been bragging about how mature I am but the truth is I'm as juvenile as any other kid my age. I also will not write about death. Not because I'm afraid of it but because I've never seen it. I know it and remember it but I haven't been as close to death as a lot of people had been.
I will write however of beauty and strenght and courage.Because I know that even if I don't look the part of a major character in a fairytale, I'm still part of a story. A story that has yet to be written and may have already been written. I don't know where the words will take me, how pauses and periods would make me, but I'll keep on living like Cinderella and Snow White. I will face my own evil-step-mother with courage and I fill find my prince. Or, I will wait for him to come because that is what damsels-in-distress do. But I am not a damsel-in-distress. I am not a spunky princess either. I'm caught in between, between lying in my glass coffin waiting for the kiss to wake me up and riding on a horse in hopes of finally having that fateful meeting where I will touch the hand of a boy and know that he's the one.
I will write of frustration. Because that is what I have. I will put to words the strange moments when I cried just because I have run out of reasons or the time when I threw everything because I lost. ANd then I will write about how I smiled again, and the reasons why. About how I picked everything and tried to fix it. About the times when I spent too much that I almost pawned the necklace that my mom gave me.
I will write about impossible dreams and ambitions. About me being a Japanese singer and marrying a Japanese long-haired actor in a red hoodie and cargo pants. About having the perfect hair, loosing my imperfections and just being perfect while I breathe on the chest of my guy, feeling his hands on my waist as we dance along the melody of some old love song. I will write about having a car and walking around the mall with my friends, with people staring and admiring my perfection. I will write about me making a movie with Billy Zane, Daniel Radcliffe, Leonardo di Caprio and Zac Efron.
In all possible ways, I will write about me. About the million reasons why I make a good person. I will make a list of the people I love and make another list of the reasons why I love them. I will write about the books that I thought was about me, was for me...about the writers whose works I called my own. I will write words about words, about wordless thougths and wordless reasons. About songs and music and melody and keys. I will write about my loneliness, my selfishness, my imperfect perfect self.
I will eat words, chew them and feel them swirling inside me and I will let them out at the perfect moment where I could just sit, smell the rain and be a "true" writer. And then when my words get lost again, I will find them everywhere, in the stories of my favorite authors, in the magical kingdoms of my favorite fairytales, in the smallest experiences that make my life "a life". And if they come to me at last, I will take a pen, a paper, turn on my computer, and I will scribble them so they never get away from me again. But if I don't find them, I will simply take my clothes off, wait for the rain to come and dance and laugh and cry in it naked. I will stay naked and wet and incomplete until I find them. I will wait for the right words, true words and when they finally find me...I will surrender.
Friday, August 03, 2007
5 things i have to do to loose weight
5. Regulate my diet. No fastfood, no sweets, no softdrinks, no additional rices and cut off my intake of meat.
4. Walk every afternoon home. It's a good one kilometer walk which is perfect.
3. Possibly jog around Fuente Circle every morning before six.
2. Do jump ropes while im at it. Might loose me some flab in the arms.
1. When im craving for food, help myself with some crackers. No fats, just carbs.
Fuck! i am so tired of hearing people telling me how fucking fat i am. i watch tyra and i get inspired by her but it's not what happens in reality. people still can't accept that i'll always be extra fucking fat. so im taking this up a notch. they want skinny---> i'll give them anorexic. kidding aside, if everything else fails, i can always resolve to..
PILLS.
4. Walk every afternoon home. It's a good one kilometer walk which is perfect.
3. Possibly jog around Fuente Circle every morning before six.
2. Do jump ropes while im at it. Might loose me some flab in the arms.
1. When im craving for food, help myself with some crackers. No fats, just carbs.
Fuck! i am so tired of hearing people telling me how fucking fat i am. i watch tyra and i get inspired by her but it's not what happens in reality. people still can't accept that i'll always be extra fucking fat. so im taking this up a notch. they want skinny---> i'll give them anorexic. kidding aside, if everything else fails, i can always resolve to..
PILLS.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
College Days
Today's the 19th of June. Almost a week since the start of classes (?). I know I vowed to update on the first day but that was impossible. haha, i had a lot of crises during first day. first, the room crises. i didn't move to the room that I paid for til saturday, last saturday. so anyway, I wasn't really that pissed because I had really cool roommates. One was Ate Lourdes. Man, she is a 100 and 1 percent talker and sociable. well she just talks. haha, fortunately i was a good listener so we learned to like each other. i also had two other roomates. one is ate edelyn and ate hazel. they're from Bacolod and they're already working. I love the three of them.
so talking about first day, we had no classes the whole day. Not one of the teachers showed up except for Mr. Alota, who marked all our block absent because the student council decided to have mass on his period. ugh! well anyway, second meeting turned out fine. made a lot of friends. some good, some not soo good. some rich and most not so rich. A LOT have guts while few don't.
Hmmn and I got fucking lost last 12th, it was horrible! i was on my way home on a jeep, was suppoosed to get off at COlon but i totally passed the frickin place without noticing and reached all the way to somewhere dark and freaky and unheard of. so i rode a jeep again and probably walked then and here for 25 minutes before I was able to ride a taxi by intentionally risking myself to get hit.
oh and im also doing my own laundry and ironing! it's so cool that im doing it. and im watching deathnote right now. it's one of the CRAZIEST and ENTERTAINING anime ever made. i know i always say that but the story is WAY too twisted for an anime. *lol*
and
well that's all for now. i have to get home and watch some shinigamis. n_n
so talking about first day, we had no classes the whole day. Not one of the teachers showed up except for Mr. Alota, who marked all our block absent because the student council decided to have mass on his period. ugh! well anyway, second meeting turned out fine. made a lot of friends. some good, some not soo good. some rich and most not so rich. A LOT have guts while few don't.
Hmmn and I got fucking lost last 12th, it was horrible! i was on my way home on a jeep, was suppoosed to get off at COlon but i totally passed the frickin place without noticing and reached all the way to somewhere dark and freaky and unheard of. so i rode a jeep again and probably walked then and here for 25 minutes before I was able to ride a taxi by intentionally risking myself to get hit.
oh and im also doing my own laundry and ironing! it's so cool that im doing it. and im watching deathnote right now. it's one of the CRAZIEST and ENTERTAINING anime ever made. i know i always say that but the story is WAY too twisted for an anime. *lol*
and
i miss my family back homei hate to admit it but i really do. i miss my mom especially, my sister, my stepdad, my computer, my bed, my house, my dogs, everything Isabel. It's boring there but it's where i call home. i'd like to go home soon but I think that's not gonna happen. classes are starting to get started. it sounds crazy but that's college.
well that's all for now. i have to get home and watch some shinigamis. n_n
Sunday, June 10, 2007
leaving
tomorrow morning i'll be leaving..setting my foot to new world. college, that is.
the feeling that im having right now is surreal. really, really weird. i don't feel excited though and i don't feel nervous either. im feeling just normal. which is weird because in my opinion, i should be feeling nauseous or nostalgic. heck, i don't even think i'll miss the house!
well anyway, im looking forward for new adventures, new companies, new experiences. im not looking for more fun, just different. my classes start at june 13 and i'll be posting on that day so when people read this when im dead, they'll know how i went through my awkward first day in college.
and also, i don't think im going to post more often because college days are busy days. i only have four classes though but the subjects are for two hours tops. but when i read my schedule, i was quite happy. happy with the subjects because they were all my favorites.
math? *lol* algebra and i love algebra. i don't think i'll be having problems with pe either because earl said we'll be dancing the whole semester. well i think that would be all. i have to turn in...got a boat to catch first thing in the morning.
see you first day!
the feeling that im having right now is surreal. really, really weird. i don't feel excited though and i don't feel nervous either. im feeling just normal. which is weird because in my opinion, i should be feeling nauseous or nostalgic. heck, i don't even think i'll miss the house!
well anyway, im looking forward for new adventures, new companies, new experiences. im not looking for more fun, just different. my classes start at june 13 and i'll be posting on that day so when people read this when im dead, they'll know how i went through my awkward first day in college.
and also, i don't think im going to post more often because college days are busy days. i only have four classes though but the subjects are for two hours tops. but when i read my schedule, i was quite happy. happy with the subjects because they were all my favorites.
math? *lol* algebra and i love algebra. i don't think i'll be having problems with pe either because earl said we'll be dancing the whole semester. well i think that would be all. i have to turn in...got a boat to catch first thing in the morning.
see you first day!
Saturday, June 02, 2007
FOOD TRIP!
these posts are fucking LATE.
May 30, 2007
At Petes.......
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it wasn't really food trip at pete's because the food was nothing close to classy. it was a simple counter.style restaurant type of think..like what you do in an ordniary cafeteria. the food was cafteria-ish too. lol. but anyway, the food was good but what was better was their displays of antiques. there were really beautiful..from dolls to the sto. nino to birds to clocks--> got me clicking whole morning!
At RED Ribbon....
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this cake is from red ribbon. it's like a pile of graham crackers, chocolate and cream--> it's so delicious!! it's called the
At the Venetian Coffee...
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the venetian coffee was just a small cafe house near the movie theaters of sm but the food rocked! this was my dinner --> a "something fishy" sandwich and a St. Nicholas shake. Loved shrek 3 by the way!!
May 31, 2007
At the MAJESTIC..
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Beautiful. Enough said, haha. The food was good too --> loved the bird's nest soup. oh i accidentally sent a quail egg siomai flying across the room. haha an Oops moments that NOBODY (except the poor lady who stepped on it lol) noticed. yay me.
May 30, 2007
At Petes.......
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it wasn't really food trip at pete's because the food was nothing close to classy. it was a simple counter.style restaurant type of think..like what you do in an ordniary cafeteria. the food was cafteria-ish too. lol. but anyway, the food was good but what was better was their displays of antiques. there were really beautiful..from dolls to the sto. nino to birds to clocks--> got me clicking whole morning!
At RED Ribbon....
.jpg)
this cake is from red ribbon. it's like a pile of graham crackers, chocolate and cream--> it's so delicious!! it's called the
Chocolate MarjolianeFancy name, huh? Wait till u get a taste..lol
At the Venetian Coffee...
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the venetian coffee was just a small cafe house near the movie theaters of sm but the food rocked! this was my dinner --> a "something fishy" sandwich and a St. Nicholas shake. Loved shrek 3 by the way!!
May 31, 2007
At the MAJESTIC..
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Beautiful. Enough said, haha. The food was good too --> loved the bird's nest soup. oh i accidentally sent a quail egg siomai flying across the room. haha an Oops moments that NOBODY (except the poor lady who stepped on it lol) noticed. yay me.
My Reasons to Hate
Top 5 Reasons why I hate my SELF
5. im insecure just about anything (my weight, my face, me height, myself..name it and i suck at it)
4. i have a lot of psychological complexes. (i haven't had myself checked by a shrink but i know im insane)
3. I have no motivations, no inspirations, no drives. None at all. Nada.
2. I don't seem to finish what I start. At ALL. EVER.
1. I pretend. That is who I am ---> a fucking pretend.
Top 5 Reasons why I hate my MOM
5. She is so NOT cool.
4. She PRETENDS to be cool. --> and she pretends to know everything!
3. She has no way of being affectionate to me and my sister.
2. She always finds reasons to take all her anger out on us.
1. She makes me feel ugly 95% of the time. (it's always an ALWAYS when we go to the mall and i have blouses that don't fit me because
P.S.: I mean seriously, don't mothers usually tell their children how beautiful they are instead of making them feel INSECURE? Ugh! More often that not, I feel like I should have been born to someone else...whatever. But of course my mom. She IS after all my mother. But there are just really a lot of times when she gets under my skin.
Top 5 Reason why I hate my SISTER
5. She THE laziest freak ever!!
4. She never listens to me
3. SHe thinks she's so smart
2. She is VERY and i mean VERY vulgar (no sense of fashion, no interest in class...pfft!!)
1. She is the MOST sarcastic bitch ever. Once she goes sarcasric all of a sudden, i always feel the urge of taking hold of a scissor and shaving her head off.
---that is all for now. I'm just really mad at this moments so I have to come up with this list. and if my mom or my sister should ever read this, then GOOD. at least they know they ruin my life once in a while.
5. im insecure just about anything (my weight, my face, me height, myself..name it and i suck at it)
4. i have a lot of psychological complexes. (i haven't had myself checked by a shrink but i know im insane)
3. I have no motivations, no inspirations, no drives. None at all. Nada.
2. I don't seem to finish what I start. At ALL. EVER.
1. I pretend. That is who I am ---> a fucking pretend.
Top 5 Reasons why I hate my MOM
5. She is so NOT cool.
4. She PRETENDS to be cool. --> and she pretends to know everything!
3. She has no way of being affectionate to me and my sister.
2. She always finds reasons to take all her anger out on us.
1. She makes me feel ugly 95% of the time. (it's always an ALWAYS when we go to the mall and i have blouses that don't fit me because
I'm FATshe always yells and raves about how ugly and FAT i am)
P.S.: I mean seriously, don't mothers usually tell their children how beautiful they are instead of making them feel INSECURE? Ugh! More often that not, I feel like I should have been born to someone else...whatever. But of course my mom. She IS after all my mother. But there are just really a lot of times when she gets under my skin.
Top 5 Reason why I hate my SISTER
5. She THE laziest freak ever!!
4. She never listens to me
3. SHe thinks she's so smart
2. She is VERY and i mean VERY vulgar (no sense of fashion, no interest in class...pfft!!)
1. She is the MOST sarcastic bitch ever. Once she goes sarcasric all of a sudden, i always feel the urge of taking hold of a scissor and shaving her head off.
---that is all for now. I'm just really mad at this moments so I have to come up with this list. and if my mom or my sister should ever read this, then GOOD. at least they know they ruin my life once in a while.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
disperas fun (?)
well we dined at torn's tonight because it was the disperas (the day before) the housing fiesta. I wasn't really planning to go but my sister forced me too. She looked really depressed so I went with her. My cousin Erika said she wasn't well so she didn't come with us. I thought it would be boring. Funny how wrong yet right I was. Yeah, I know. I'm being repetitive and plagiaristic (is there such a word?) again.
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Well anyhow, charlotte was there too. When Torn showed up with her, I immediately felt uneasy because we had this notion about her being really stupid and stuff. We got to talk to her, more importantly I got to talk to her. They were wrong. I was wrong. The Charlotte that we all backstabbed was actually really sweet and nice and she had a really beautiful smile. And I loved how her eyes twinkle when she laughs. I know sound really lesbian right now but whatever. I liked her. End of story.
And I got drunk. Probably in the most drunken state I have ever been. Dolly was there and we drank maria clara together. I had fun talking with her even though there were times when we would just pause and get embarrassed because we have run out of things to say. Oh and we also talked about the fiesta tomorrow and how our parents harmonize in the thought that we invite everyone and get no invites back. True. There was only one person who was decent enough to invite me - Earl. I didn't really expect he would. He didn't say it to me personally but I just felt that he really wanted me to come. Too bad I won't.
And I had another soliloqy. I read this essay by Julia (one of the best writers i've ever come across the net) entitles this will be enough. it just managed to make me cry, made me realize how stupid and bland i've been. it inspired me to write so I tried to write again this morning. And I cried because I still can't write a single fucking sentence. I don't really know what's wrong with me. Maybe because I've come to accept that I should find my own story to write. And that's what I would do...hopefully..
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Well anyhow, charlotte was there too. When Torn showed up with her, I immediately felt uneasy because we had this notion about her being really stupid and stuff. We got to talk to her, more importantly I got to talk to her. They were wrong. I was wrong. The Charlotte that we all backstabbed was actually really sweet and nice and she had a really beautiful smile. And I loved how her eyes twinkle when she laughs. I know sound really lesbian right now but whatever. I liked her. End of story.
And I got drunk. Probably in the most drunken state I have ever been. Dolly was there and we drank maria clara together. I had fun talking with her even though there were times when we would just pause and get embarrassed because we have run out of things to say. Oh and we also talked about the fiesta tomorrow and how our parents harmonize in the thought that we invite everyone and get no invites back. True. There was only one person who was decent enough to invite me - Earl. I didn't really expect he would. He didn't say it to me personally but I just felt that he really wanted me to come. Too bad I won't.
And I had another soliloqy. I read this essay by Julia (one of the best writers i've ever come across the net) entitles this will be enough. it just managed to make me cry, made me realize how stupid and bland i've been. it inspired me to write so I tried to write again this morning. And I cried because I still can't write a single fucking sentence. I don't really know what's wrong with me. Maybe because I've come to accept that I should find my own story to write. And that's what I would do...hopefully..
the story of a girl
This is the story of a girl who thought she was beyond ordinary, who thought she was above everything, above all else. A girl who thought she could have everything she wanted, be anything she wished to be, do everything in one minute everything a person could do in an entire lifetime. This is a story of a girl who thought she found herself. A story of a girl who only thought...
She had swollen pimples that colored like the late rays of the afternoon sun, hair that scattered like the grasses in a California valley. She had the lips that spoke lies that were white as the clouds she loved to watch in windy mornings, the hands that wrote the world she thought she belonged to. She had eyes that were as black as the 3:00 light that made her restless, as deep as the waters she thought she could swim, and as untrue as a two year-old telling her mother about her fairy friends.
She smiled with love and joy, her pain and hatred all lurking behind, screaming for her to let them out, wishing she would finally accept them as her own. She laughed with easiness, as if wishing it could free her. She wrote stories that weren't her own and spoke of truths that didn't exist. She was a liar, a faker, a poser, someone unreal, invisible and imaginary.
She didn't exist in the real world.
Nobody really knew who she was, what she wanted or where she's going. She's just a sad, lonely girl stealing the dreams of other people, fooling herself that she could make herself happy, that she was good enough, that she was real. But she isn't, she might never be... She just sits there, dreaming of the rain, wishing it could make her disappear, wishing she could fall and have somebody to catch her. But nobody ever will. Because nobody knows where she is. Nobody.
She would close her eyes and keep her tears from falling. She would open them, hoping she could see someone that would look back and find her. She would let herself get lost in her dreams, a world so full of colorful lies and wonderful treachery that it was impossible for her to leave it.
She hoped of meeting people that could one day discover her. People who would see through her walls and are willing enough to break them just to see her, just to see how beautiful she really is. But as every second passes, that hope of ever finding herself gets further and further. Someday, it will go too far that nobody, not even herself, will remember it. And she'll be locked up forever. Undiscovered and unloved.
One day she will find herself walking along the seashores, the sound of the sea deafening her into silence, the sun blinding her into perpetual joy that she would think that she had finally found somewhere to belong. One day she will smile with the truth, laugh that would finally set her free. One day she would find herself dancing in the rain, while taking someone's hand and hearing the words "I love you"
One day she will soar to the sky and fall like a meteor, waiting for beautiful calloused hands to catch her. One day she will stand in a stage and tell the people the truth. One day she will hold a pen and a paper and write a story that she would call hers. One day, she will find the courage to destroy the walls that she built, and be able to finally cry with a reason. That day will come, that I am sure.
And when that day finally comes, she would look at herself in the mirror and be happy for the first time and tell herself, "I am good enough"
She had swollen pimples that colored like the late rays of the afternoon sun, hair that scattered like the grasses in a California valley. She had the lips that spoke lies that were white as the clouds she loved to watch in windy mornings, the hands that wrote the world she thought she belonged to. She had eyes that were as black as the 3:00 light that made her restless, as deep as the waters she thought she could swim, and as untrue as a two year-old telling her mother about her fairy friends.
She smiled with love and joy, her pain and hatred all lurking behind, screaming for her to let them out, wishing she would finally accept them as her own. She laughed with easiness, as if wishing it could free her. She wrote stories that weren't her own and spoke of truths that didn't exist. She was a liar, a faker, a poser, someone unreal, invisible and imaginary.
She didn't exist in the real world.
Nobody really knew who she was, what she wanted or where she's going. She's just a sad, lonely girl stealing the dreams of other people, fooling herself that she could make herself happy, that she was good enough, that she was real. But she isn't, she might never be... She just sits there, dreaming of the rain, wishing it could make her disappear, wishing she could fall and have somebody to catch her. But nobody ever will. Because nobody knows where she is. Nobody.
She would close her eyes and keep her tears from falling. She would open them, hoping she could see someone that would look back and find her. She would let herself get lost in her dreams, a world so full of colorful lies and wonderful treachery that it was impossible for her to leave it.
She hoped of meeting people that could one day discover her. People who would see through her walls and are willing enough to break them just to see her, just to see how beautiful she really is. But as every second passes, that hope of ever finding herself gets further and further. Someday, it will go too far that nobody, not even herself, will remember it. And she'll be locked up forever. Undiscovered and unloved.
One day she will find herself walking along the seashores, the sound of the sea deafening her into silence, the sun blinding her into perpetual joy that she would think that she had finally found somewhere to belong. One day she will smile with the truth, laugh that would finally set her free. One day she would find herself dancing in the rain, while taking someone's hand and hearing the words "I love you"
One day she will soar to the sky and fall like a meteor, waiting for beautiful calloused hands to catch her. One day she will stand in a stage and tell the people the truth. One day she will hold a pen and a paper and write a story that she would call hers. One day, she will find the courage to destroy the walls that she built, and be able to finally cry with a reason. That day will come, that I am sure.
And when that day finally comes, she would look at herself in the mirror and be happy for the first time and tell herself, "I am good enough"
Friday, May 25, 2007
messy me
i've been squabbling over and over again. i can't help it. i've been really irritable these past few days and the frickin temperature didn't help either. i've been reading different stuff and watching a lot of movies and videos. i've been especially infuriated with my torrents which kept dowloading on and off. just like now. i really hate to wait. ugh! i just have to let it out!!
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
the view outside the window
yesterday, we went to my grandma's baranggay to celebrate their fiesta and i re-found this room which had a window. and when i opened that window, i found only one thing -- peace.
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when i opened that window, suddenly i just felt peaceful, something that i haven't felt since our beach party. the wind was really cool, making you relax and stuff and the clouds were just beautiful. the scenery, the ricefield and the lake was really breathtaking. it just makes you want to just stay there and watch it for eternity. my cousins were there too and we had a great time talking about a lot of things.
when night came, we had fiesta dinner and watched ouran out of boredom. the temperature was "how-could-anyone-possibly-live-in-this-kind-of-heat" hot and there was no elbow room to breathe. there were probably about twenty kids running and screaming and driving you out of your mind! i was really loosing it. so then we went to the pageant. compared to last year, this year was really lame even when they've incorporated this stupid white screen that kept flashing the same thing every twenty minutes. and the hosts didn't even know english themselves. the candidates were stupid as usual and the whole thing was just pointless. the dance could have been nice but we didn't go because we had a kill joy in our party. fuckin sister. and i also accidentally deleted my files on my calendar. i wouuld have cried right then and there but i remembered that i still had my blog. whatever. well we went home and talked about things 'till 3 am.
morning came. breakfast. then we went home. that's it. apart from that view on the window, the whole thing was boring, senseless and just stupid.
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when i opened that window, suddenly i just felt peaceful, something that i haven't felt since our beach party. the wind was really cool, making you relax and stuff and the clouds were just beautiful. the scenery, the ricefield and the lake was really breathtaking. it just makes you want to just stay there and watch it for eternity. my cousins were there too and we had a great time talking about a lot of things.
when night came, we had fiesta dinner and watched ouran out of boredom. the temperature was "how-could-anyone-possibly-live-in-this-kind-of-heat" hot and there was no elbow room to breathe. there were probably about twenty kids running and screaming and driving you out of your mind! i was really loosing it. so then we went to the pageant. compared to last year, this year was really lame even when they've incorporated this stupid white screen that kept flashing the same thing every twenty minutes. and the hosts didn't even know english themselves. the candidates were stupid as usual and the whole thing was just pointless. the dance could have been nice but we didn't go because we had a kill joy in our party. fuckin sister. and i also accidentally deleted my files on my calendar. i wouuld have cried right then and there but i remembered that i still had my blog. whatever. well we went home and talked about things 'till 3 am.
morning came. breakfast. then we went home. that's it. apart from that view on the window, the whole thing was boring, senseless and just stupid.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
at the dinner table
i just realized when i ate with my parents just a while ago that maybe being away from them for a long time might be one of the best things that could ever happen to me. i hate it when they're around. it's like im cooped up and i can't go free and i hate that kind of feeling.
and they're calling me things that i really don't like to hear and they patronize like hell. when we were eating and my mom handed me this shrimped and i said no because i wanted to eat the dried fish, she called me "uwat". in english "picky". i hate that word because i have known myself to be flexible and i would have eaten that shrimp without any complaint. i wasn't even complaining! good thing woke up in good shape this morning. otherwise, i wouldn't have been able to push my anger down my throat and started answering back.
and my stepdad. although he's a good man, he should have realized that calling other people fat, especially someone as sensitive as me, is very very damaging. and did my mom defend me? no! she actually agreed and told me that i was no use and that all i did in the house was eat and sleep. well what does she suppose i am to do? run around the town? fuck myself until i die? u know that is just what i want to do when they're around. i want to die. because having no freedom for me is death.
i cannot wait to be away from them. right now i just hate the two of them to my bone. god help me.
and they're calling me things that i really don't like to hear and they patronize like hell. when we were eating and my mom handed me this shrimped and i said no because i wanted to eat the dried fish, she called me "uwat". in english "picky". i hate that word because i have known myself to be flexible and i would have eaten that shrimp without any complaint. i wasn't even complaining! good thing woke up in good shape this morning. otherwise, i wouldn't have been able to push my anger down my throat and started answering back.
and my stepdad. although he's a good man, he should have realized that calling other people fat, especially someone as sensitive as me, is very very damaging. and did my mom defend me? no! she actually agreed and told me that i was no use and that all i did in the house was eat and sleep. well what does she suppose i am to do? run around the town? fuck myself until i die? u know that is just what i want to do when they're around. i want to die. because having no freedom for me is death.
i cannot wait to be away from them. right now i just hate the two of them to my bone. god help me.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
My Own Psychoanalysis
Lately, i've been wondering what's wrong with me because i've been daydreaming too much and i've done something that i think isn't what normal people would do. i've heard inferiority complex twice this week and it didn't go away in my head and i thought maybe it was a sign that i might have this pyschological disease or something. i looked it up and what do you know...i do have it..had it..only when i was young.
when i was eight years old, i believed i had inferiority complex. i developed multiple personality disorder, yes most people commonly call it "split personality". aside from myself, there were two other identities living inside me. the real me was good enough, had opinions of my own and was really composed. but i was in the middle between right and wrong.
the right was named "kynah". she was too good and took over the body when we were at school. she would do everything her friends told her to. from treating them every recess to giving them the up-er-hand at the playground. she couldn't defend herself from the bullies so she actually joined them. those who didn't were frequently ridiculed, made fun of and laughed at. she wanted to help but she was too helpless and did not do anything for she was too good. Probably too good to be anything real.
the wrong one was named "kyla" as far as my memory can hold.she was the one who always had the guts to fight..the one who always encouraged us that we had to defend ourselves from people who hurt us. i had nothing to say but kynah was 100% against it. she was scared, so was i but kyla was never afraid. so when we went to third grade, she took over. she did a lot of brave and stupid things. faked most of her friends, stole a lot of stuff and even went as far as actually using God to defend her. that year was the worst year of my life because when kyla got caught, she left me. kynah also left me. left me alone to answer there severities...
and that was where i grew up, where i learned my place and my stand. i could say that i experienced half of my life in third grade and finally, i lost my inferiority complex and i was myself again.
a lot of years passed and ive learned that i wasn't inferior at all. and in fact, i was superior than most of the others. i was second year high-school when i developed another psychological disease. looked it up and it was called "superiority complex" --> something that arises from inferiority complex. *lol* well, that makes sense, doesn't it? right now im trying hard to loose any complex, i just want to be me. no inferiorities, no superiorities. Just me. but im finding that it's starting to be really hard to do that because i'm really, really insecured. about everything. i hope i can get through this.
im glad to be actually writing this because once i turn 40 and read this stuff, i'll learn that i've matured earlier than the rest. that i know myself better than anyone. that i know what i want and what i need. and even though i may not be mentally healthy, at least i'm living my life the way i'm supposed to. and someday, hopefully someday, i might find who i really am..
when i was eight years old, i believed i had inferiority complex. i developed multiple personality disorder, yes most people commonly call it "split personality". aside from myself, there were two other identities living inside me. the real me was good enough, had opinions of my own and was really composed. but i was in the middle between right and wrong.
the right was named "kynah". she was too good and took over the body when we were at school. she would do everything her friends told her to. from treating them every recess to giving them the up-er-hand at the playground. she couldn't defend herself from the bullies so she actually joined them. those who didn't were frequently ridiculed, made fun of and laughed at. she wanted to help but she was too helpless and did not do anything for she was too good. Probably too good to be anything real.
the wrong one was named "kyla" as far as my memory can hold.she was the one who always had the guts to fight..the one who always encouraged us that we had to defend ourselves from people who hurt us. i had nothing to say but kynah was 100% against it. she was scared, so was i but kyla was never afraid. so when we went to third grade, she took over. she did a lot of brave and stupid things. faked most of her friends, stole a lot of stuff and even went as far as actually using God to defend her. that year was the worst year of my life because when kyla got caught, she left me. kynah also left me. left me alone to answer there severities...
and that was where i grew up, where i learned my place and my stand. i could say that i experienced half of my life in third grade and finally, i lost my inferiority complex and i was myself again.
a lot of years passed and ive learned that i wasn't inferior at all. and in fact, i was superior than most of the others. i was second year high-school when i developed another psychological disease. looked it up and it was called "superiority complex" --> something that arises from inferiority complex. *lol* well, that makes sense, doesn't it? right now im trying hard to loose any complex, i just want to be me. no inferiorities, no superiorities. Just me. but im finding that it's starting to be really hard to do that because i'm really, really insecured. about everything. i hope i can get through this.
im glad to be actually writing this because once i turn 40 and read this stuff, i'll learn that i've matured earlier than the rest. that i know myself better than anyone. that i know what i want and what i need. and even though i may not be mentally healthy, at least i'm living my life the way i'm supposed to. and someday, hopefully someday, i might find who i really am..
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Just something random...
i had two things yesterday: fun and a busted lip.
well, first the fun. yesterday was klyde's birthday so we went for a little swim in water world. oh and would you believe that the "knights of the altar" of our parish thought the same thing and ended up swimming in the same spring-pool with us. oh and joshua was there too. i wanted to talk to him but i didn't want to initiate so nothing weird happened. we had fun because the water was cool and we constantly drowned our cousin maxene to teach her to swim. boy that girl had her guts! i mean she sanked three times in the row and was still managed to grin when she surfaced. haha, talk about family.
second, the busted lip. well, we were playing hagubol. (hagubol: a game which we, ourselves, well, my cousins invented. the "it" will seek the ball from anyone in the circle and the person who touched the ball before the "it" succeeds to touch it will be the "it" Get it?) so we had no ball then so we used a coke can. the game was going will when my super-excellent bright and charming sister threw the ball directly at my frickin lip! oh god! the pain! ahh! i so hated her! but im not really that angry, she didn't mean it after all. so my lip bled a little and before i knew it, it started to swell and now i've got a lip as big as a bean bag! ha! what happy day!
and my hair got frickin worse. well i don't even think i should call it hair but a big ball of frizz. im going to janet's this morning to ask if they can do anything to fix it up. i don't want looking like a mess in stipay's birthday or when i enroll in san carlos. i wanna look my best. haha. so gotta stop here. got a lot of things to do>
p.s: just finished watching Ouran High-School Host Club. I loved it! It's about a girl named Haruhi who disguises herself as a guy and got in the Host Club whose members are like the most popular guys in the richest school in Japan. I loved Tamaki! You know, if such a guy would exist, someone emotional and true and caring...oh my god...i would definitely, most certainly would do anything to snag him. Lolz...
well, first the fun. yesterday was klyde's birthday so we went for a little swim in water world. oh and would you believe that the "knights of the altar" of our parish thought the same thing and ended up swimming in the same spring-pool with us. oh and joshua was there too. i wanted to talk to him but i didn't want to initiate so nothing weird happened. we had fun because the water was cool and we constantly drowned our cousin maxene to teach her to swim. boy that girl had her guts! i mean she sanked three times in the row and was still managed to grin when she surfaced. haha, talk about family.
second, the busted lip. well, we were playing hagubol. (hagubol: a game which we, ourselves, well, my cousins invented. the "it" will seek the ball from anyone in the circle and the person who touched the ball before the "it" succeeds to touch it will be the "it" Get it?) so we had no ball then so we used a coke can. the game was going will when my super-excellent bright and charming sister threw the ball directly at my frickin lip! oh god! the pain! ahh! i so hated her! but im not really that angry, she didn't mean it after all. so my lip bled a little and before i knew it, it started to swell and now i've got a lip as big as a bean bag! ha! what happy day!
and my hair got frickin worse. well i don't even think i should call it hair but a big ball of frizz. im going to janet's this morning to ask if they can do anything to fix it up. i don't want looking like a mess in stipay's birthday or when i enroll in san carlos. i wanna look my best. haha. so gotta stop here. got a lot of things to do>
p.s: just finished watching Ouran High-School Host Club. I loved it! It's about a girl named Haruhi who disguises herself as a guy and got in the Host Club whose members are like the most popular guys in the richest school in Japan. I loved Tamaki! You know, if such a guy would exist, someone emotional and true and caring...oh my god...i would definitely, most certainly would do anything to snag him. Lolz...
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