This Sad Day

I woke up today knowing that my mom wouldn't be coming. I had a feeling. I wasn't excited. But to be sure, I tidied up my room last night. I scrubbed the floor, the bathroom, and swept like crazy. I finished around 1 am and slept. It was a good sleep. I even had a dream which I couldn't remember now.

Last night's rehearsals were good. But I don't want to talk about yesterday. I want to talk about today. I was right. My mom's not coming. My grandfather died. And now I'm crying my eyes out.

My lolo had been sick since I was old enough to learn who he was. He had some sort of degenerative disease, the ones that eat up your motor nerves until you are eventually disabled from moving about or talking to your grandchildren. I didn't have the chance to get know lolo because by the time I had stories to tell, he already lost the ability to speak comprehensibly. He'd murmur and twist his face almost in smile, as if asking how I was doing in school. I remember smiling back and saying I was in okay and he laughed like a sick person would laugh. My mom was the only person who could understand him and she said he wasn't asking how I was but what grade I was in. I laughed back and shyly told him I was in 5th grade. That was the only conversation I remember having with him.

As I grew up, he grew more sick. And when I got to college, he was thin as a sick. We'd eventually visit and give him a kiss on the forehead but that was all the contact we made with him. And now he's gone and I wish I did something more. He could still hear. Why didn't I talk to him like I should have? Let him know that I was grown up? I'm sure that would have made him happy although I know he wouldn't be able to show it. I should've done something that made him happy. But I know he was happy. I hear him almost saying I miss you when he murmurs as I make lamano. And you can see in his eyes how excited he is every time we come over and just being there even if we don't talk to him. I'm sure if he could talk and move, he'd drive us in his four-wheeled bicyle and take us to that river where they used to fish.

I'm stupid. I just realized how much I loved him and now it's too late.