Valentines

okay, so here's what happened to me on Valentines. But first, u guys have to know that I don't usually think that day is so important but since everybody else does, well, what the heck, i just had to go with the flow. truth to be told, i actually woke up nice. i should have expected that the narrow street corner in STo. Rosario would be crowded with flower vendors selling overpriced roses. i wanted to get one for myself but i was just soo broke i couldn't even buy myself water.

i got to school and cwts class was quite the drama. sir khleint was acting strange, saying that would probably be the last meeting he'd have with us. he wouldn't tell us why though. so anyway, we ended up having all those who had nice singing voices in class sing for him. danielle even cried. gah, i almost did.

the day before that, our English 2 teacher gave us an assignment: list 14 ways how to make your Valentines memorable. Lolz. Here's mine.

1. kiss all my friends. (which i did)

2. greet all the people i meet (i also did)

3. participate well in class (which i tried but let the teachers be the judge)

4. wear a smile all day (i had a hard time with this one since there were some little events which triggered a curse or too...like for example: the effing traffic)

5. FLIRT WITH A STRANGER (i failed to do 'cause I only get the guts to flirt from 1-2 bottles of beer and I didn't drink.

6. listen to MASS. (i wanted to but i didn't catch the last one)

7. watch a tear-jerker romance (what the eff, i watched porn instead haha)

8. buy myself a rose (i WANTED TO but i was really broke. danielle's tall new friend, Randy, gave me one though, he was soo sweet ps: tall guys are not my type)

9. PIG OUT!!! (didn't actually happen, since you can't call a cup of rice, an egg and some corn beef pigging out)

10. greet my mom, my sister and my family. (which i did. yay)

11. text all my friends ( i did but only few of 'em replied. tse)

12. write a good blog entry (dude, i didn't have the time. that's why im writing this now)

13. do a good deed (well, i am letting danielle stay with me.)

14. BE HAPPY FOR MYSELF (and i was)

hnmn, this was the first time i ever celebrated Valentines. but what was sad about it was when you see all these couples hugging, kissing, being really close, you realize that you don't have anyone to do all those sweet things to. you don't have anyone to hold an umbrella for you when it rains, to give you a rose, or kiss you goodnight. it sounds all so random but when you see how they look at each other, it makes you wanna melt, it makes you aware that you don't have any of that. and that makes me really jealous. well, at least i got two flowers. one from meg, and the other from Randy. [sighs] well, that was valentines for me. Hopefully, next year's won't be as lonely. [lol]

ENOUGH

I've had enough.

I should have sooner. But maybe I had fun fooling around with myself, thinking that things could happen when they can't. I'm tired. I give up. I loose. And that's something I shouldn't mope about. I'm used to loosing. I'm used to having regrets. I'm a looser. So what?

Right now, I'm sick with a fever, a cold and another broken heart. I'll never be good enough for anybody. Or maybe it's just me, being selfish, because I don't want to share. Because I'm jealous that in their world, I'm just a passer-by. That I'm not someone they'll remember when they get old. That there are two hundred other people they'd prefer to be with than me.

Or maybe it's just me, being stupid. Because I expect too much, because I want someone to think about me that way I always think about them. Maybe I want someone, for the first fucking time, to love me back. Maybe, this time, I want someone's world to revolve around me. Maybe I'm sick of falling in love and getting hurt every time because it's always one-sided, because in the end, it'll only be just me.

I want to cry. And I know no one's going to care anyway. Because no one really needs me. Because I know my tears will be useless. Because I'm weak. Because I'm scared. And because every time I am, no one is there to tell me it's going to be okay.

Friends?

Do they really know who I am? Do they really need me or they just have me for that stupid wall that everybody leans on? And maybe I'm tired of being that stupid wall. I'm tired of being there for everybody and not have anybody to be there for me. And maybe, for once, I don't want to help and be selfish and curse and hurt someone. Maybe I don't want to be apprehended. Because I want to help and make people happy in my own time. I don't want them depending on me. Because it hurts every time I see them and the first thing they say is "panlibre beh" and maybe it's because it's my fault.

I was a bad wall. I'm a bad friend.

Or maybe I'm just being crazy. Because my head's spinning and I can't think. Maybe it's just me again, letting my emotions get ahead of me. Maybe I just want attention. Maybe I just wanna dig in the pillow and cry until it doesn't hurt anymore.

Because I really, really want to cry. Because every time I look at myself in the mirror, I don't find any reason to smile. Because I'm not pretty and I'm not beautiful and I'm not fucking good enough! Because I don't love what I see and I don't love who I am because who I am is selfish and lonely and weak. And maybe that's the reason why I always loose.

Because I'm always insecure. Because I'm not confident enought to win. Maybe because when I try to be happy, there's always twice a reason to be sad. Because life is not just about goods and graces, it's about suffering and realizing that you can't have everything you want.

And that's what I'm fast-realizing right now. I never had anything that I wanted. And I stop to think that maybe because I don't deserve any of it. Because I'm just a sore looser.

And I've had enough. I give up. You guys win.

I loose.