I know it's not New Year but I've never felt like wanting to change this much.
Perhaps it's from watching Kimi ni Todoke for one week straight and playing it over and over again in my mind and in my laptop just because I'm bored and because their love story is, I now realize, the love story I have been dreaming all my life.
And I kind of want to be more like Sawako even though I know there are not a lot of men like Kazehaya. Just seeing myself in Kurumi makes me want to change as much as she does, too. So I will change, for the better.
I will be honest. I've never really been completely honest with anyone. Whenever I deal with people, I always put up a face to make me more look more cool or feel more human or seem like a person with little psychological deficiencies.
But the truth is, I am a big GIANT nerd. I try to be cool but I guess being a nerd is cool, too. I make it seem that I'm very nice but I'm a bitch. First of all, one of the things I envy about Sawako is that she can spend 2 hours with a person without talking and not feel awkward at all. Shy and embarrassed, yes, considering the person she's with is the boy she likes but there's never or little awkward moment between them both. When I'm with a boy that I like, I feel like I have to keep talking, even to the point of bringing up ridiculous topics, just to feel comfortable. Sometimes, the periods of silence are okay but they leave me too much room to think. When I think, I tend to be conscious of myself. What I tend to think of myself when I'm self-aware isn't really great so I end up feeling bad and inferior. I make some excuse, stand up, and walk away. Yes, I'm awkward.
I also lie a lot to keep other people's expectations of me stable and because I can't seem to help it, especially when I know the lie is going to make a good conversation topic. I love the feeling of telling a story, even though sometimes they're not really mine to tell or sometimes they are partly or mostly fabricated. I tell lies to think people I'm strange. When you're strange, people pay attention to you. I love attention, I feed off from people's attention. And this is exactly what makes me like Kurumi. I know how to shed enough spotlight on my ego for it to keep its weight and how to turn it away from me and shut up long enough for people to like me. I don't know if it makes me dishonest. I don't know if being over-calculating and having an annoying tendency to analyze the tinniest bits of details of other people's actions and words make me dishonest but I think I've built my ability to mingle with others that way. Anyway, it's too late to change that side of me.
So, in light of all my dishonesty and social fronting, I will stop telling lies for a change. Like, NOT LIE AT ALL. There are a lot of things I could do to keep myself from lying and I've got a looot of time to try all of them. And maybe once I've learned to be more true to others and especially to myself, I can feel more human and less of a phony.
I'll also try to work on my mental deficiencies. I'm not totally nuts but I know I have a slight trace of insanity in me. I could be a bipolar for all I know! I do know I have inferiority-superiority complex. And I could be a sex addict once I've actually tried it. And I have serious anger management issues. The kind that leads to self-injury and God forbid, to a criminal train of thought. This is what scares me the most. I know I can hurt someone if I'm really angry. I'm pretty violent when I'm extremely pissed and I wouldn't want anybody to ever see that side of me. So, what I'm going to do is work on my self-confidence (to give me less reasons to be angry at the world) and stop swearing.
Profanity, though it somehow makes us feel better, kind of fuels our anger and frustration. That's not good so I will practice to cuss less. Won't be easy but I'll try.
I'm going back to Cebu this morning and I have three weeks ('till Boracay) to change and I'm sure I'm going to do my best to make Sawako and Kazehaya proud if they were real. So here it is. My very late New Year's Resolution post.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
That honest kind of LOVE
I just finished the first season and the Live-Action movie of Kimi ni Todoke (Reaching you).
The story is a little pedestrian but the plot is amazing. You have a girl who is introverted but wants to learn how to socialize and a boy who is the completely cheerful and friendly. We've heard it all before but the way things play out in the story is beautiful and moving.
This is clearly a case where "opposites attract" because Kazehaya is drawn to Sawako's quiet almost-eerie personality as much as Sawako is attracted to Kazehaya's cheerful disposition. They meet at the start of high school where Kazahaya gets lost and Sawako points him the way. Kazehaya sees her smile and immediately takes a liking to her. What keeps him interested though is that he never sees her smile at school and so he does little things to help her step out of her shell and smile more.
Add that everybody thinks she is Sadako (from the Ring) and you get comic relief and a unique twist that sets this love story apart from others. I have to say, though, that I don't see any resemblance between Sawako and Sadako except for their long black hair with bangs.
What I really loved about this series, though, is the the honest kind of love that it (and almost every other manga and anime) portrays. Both the characters are honest despite their individual deficiencies (Kazehaya is short-tempered and tight-lipped,; Sawako is shy and dense). This honesty is what nurtures their strong feelings into love.
And just because I miss being a Lit major and I can't help it, I've come up with an archetypal analysis of each of their characters.
Sawako
She falls into the Japanese manga archetype called the "Simple Character". A lot of Japanese anime and manga heroines also belong to this category. Like for example:
Miki Koishikawa of Marmalade Boy
Kyoko Mogami from Skip Beat!
Hibino Tsubaki from Kyou Koi wo Hajimemasu
A "Simple Character" is always honest, humble, unassuming, selfless, and sometimes a little dense. Most of them are quiet characters like Sawako and Kyoko. As the story progresses, they slowly ease out from that shyness (mostly by the help of their love interests) and emerge as strong, principled, and independent people. Their characters are sometimes unrealistically too honest which may be considered as some sort of weakness but it makes them more empowering and more, let's admit it, loveable. They also share a very distinct and sometimes annoying trait that drag the series into episodes of comic mishaps and romance: humility. Simple Characters are so humble in fact that they tend to be dense and oblivious to the sometimes flagrant and sometimes subtle displays of affection by their love interests.
Sawako for example attributes Kazehaya's attempts at showing his love for her to his kind personality which she thinks he also shows to everybody else. Miki from Maramalade Boy thinks Yuu is just teasing her. Hibino has the same train of thought and Kyoko thinks Ren is just being "her sempai". Ugh! It pains me to wonder why these girls don't get it! But I guess that's the beauty of being a simple character. You don't over analyze other people's actions so you don't get the wrong idea. Then when the unexpected thing happens (like the long-awaited confession), the happiness that comes with the surprise is more real and more absolute.
I wish I could me more like a simple character. I wish I could be as honest and pure and innocent. But I am not always honest and I am afflicted with the disease of analyzing every little thing people say and do to me. I am sometimes manipulative and can be a real bitch. In fact, if I were to compare myself with a character from Kimi ni Todoke, I'd say I am more like her:
Yes, I'm actually more like Kurumi than any other character in the series. Sometimes I identify with Yano but I see myself most in Kurumi. Though I am not the kind of girl who would go to the extent of spreading lies and defaming my rival (in fact I am very sport when it comes to love), I am capable of putting up a face in order to get the attention of someone I like. I will do my best to get that person to like me. I'll eat food I won't normally eat and I could watch football and even talk about thermodynamics. If I have to lie, then I will. After all, they say all is fair in love and war. I am also very selfish and tend to be jealous. And I fight my battles in subtlety. But what differs me from Kurumi is that at the instant where I am absolutely sure that I have no chance with person I like, I'll give him up immediately. Won't be easy but I'm capable of moving on and being okay.
Kazehaya, on the other hand, is "The Boy Next Door".
Boys-next-door are cheerful, popular, and yes, GORGEOUS! What I've noticed with heroes that fall into this archetype is that they always fall in love with the out-of-the-average girl. But usually, the girls they want to be with are the ones who are always honest, kind, and hardworking. How many handsome boys have we heard saying they love this girl because "she works hard" or "she never gives up"?
Ultimately, the boy next door is almost perfect but he has a depth that makes him special and different from "all the other guys". The boy-next-door also has hamartia like an unknown past or a short temper or a dysfunctional family. But whatever flaws he has, he always manages to put up a smile without being fake and has everybody, including and especially hopeless romantic writers like me, down at their feet.
Right now, I can't think of any other male anime character that have more-or-less the same character as Kazehaya. Anyhow, I'm just happy I met him and Sawako and all the other characters. I actually found the story quite boring at first but it got really juicy in the end!
By and large, Kimi ni Todoke is one of the most memorable animes I've seen! Kampai!!!
The story is a little pedestrian but the plot is amazing. You have a girl who is introverted but wants to learn how to socialize and a boy who is the completely cheerful and friendly. We've heard it all before but the way things play out in the story is beautiful and moving.
This is clearly a case where "opposites attract" because Kazehaya is drawn to Sawako's quiet almost-eerie personality as much as Sawako is attracted to Kazehaya's cheerful disposition. They meet at the start of high school where Kazahaya gets lost and Sawako points him the way. Kazehaya sees her smile and immediately takes a liking to her. What keeps him interested though is that he never sees her smile at school and so he does little things to help her step out of her shell and smile more.
Add that everybody thinks she is Sadako (from the Ring) and you get comic relief and a unique twist that sets this love story apart from others. I have to say, though, that I don't see any resemblance between Sawako and Sadako except for their long black hair with bangs.
What I really loved about this series, though, is the the honest kind of love that it (and almost every other manga and anime) portrays. Both the characters are honest despite their individual deficiencies (Kazehaya is short-tempered and tight-lipped,; Sawako is shy and dense). This honesty is what nurtures their strong feelings into love.
And just because I miss being a Lit major and I can't help it, I've come up with an archetypal analysis of each of their characters.
Sawako
She falls into the Japanese manga archetype called the "Simple Character". A lot of Japanese anime and manga heroines also belong to this category. Like for example:
Miki Koishikawa of Marmalade Boy Kyoko Mogami from Skip Beat! Hibino Tsubaki from Kyou Koi wo HajimemasuA "Simple Character" is always honest, humble, unassuming, selfless, and sometimes a little dense. Most of them are quiet characters like Sawako and Kyoko. As the story progresses, they slowly ease out from that shyness (mostly by the help of their love interests) and emerge as strong, principled, and independent people. Their characters are sometimes unrealistically too honest which may be considered as some sort of weakness but it makes them more empowering and more, let's admit it, loveable. They also share a very distinct and sometimes annoying trait that drag the series into episodes of comic mishaps and romance: humility. Simple Characters are so humble in fact that they tend to be dense and oblivious to the sometimes flagrant and sometimes subtle displays of affection by their love interests.
Sawako for example attributes Kazehaya's attempts at showing his love for her to his kind personality which she thinks he also shows to everybody else. Miki from Maramalade Boy thinks Yuu is just teasing her. Hibino has the same train of thought and Kyoko thinks Ren is just being "her sempai". Ugh! It pains me to wonder why these girls don't get it! But I guess that's the beauty of being a simple character. You don't over analyze other people's actions so you don't get the wrong idea. Then when the unexpected thing happens (like the long-awaited confession), the happiness that comes with the surprise is more real and more absolute.
I wish I could me more like a simple character. I wish I could be as honest and pure and innocent. But I am not always honest and I am afflicted with the disease of analyzing every little thing people say and do to me. I am sometimes manipulative and can be a real bitch. In fact, if I were to compare myself with a character from Kimi ni Todoke, I'd say I am more like her:
Yes, I'm actually more like Kurumi than any other character in the series. Sometimes I identify with Yano but I see myself most in Kurumi. Though I am not the kind of girl who would go to the extent of spreading lies and defaming my rival (in fact I am very sport when it comes to love), I am capable of putting up a face in order to get the attention of someone I like. I will do my best to get that person to like me. I'll eat food I won't normally eat and I could watch football and even talk about thermodynamics. If I have to lie, then I will. After all, they say all is fair in love and war. I am also very selfish and tend to be jealous. And I fight my battles in subtlety. But what differs me from Kurumi is that at the instant where I am absolutely sure that I have no chance with person I like, I'll give him up immediately. Won't be easy but I'm capable of moving on and being okay.
Kazehaya, on the other hand, is "The Boy Next Door".
Boys-next-door are cheerful, popular, and yes, GORGEOUS! What I've noticed with heroes that fall into this archetype is that they always fall in love with the out-of-the-average girl. But usually, the girls they want to be with are the ones who are always honest, kind, and hardworking. How many handsome boys have we heard saying they love this girl because "she works hard" or "she never gives up"?
Ultimately, the boy next door is almost perfect but he has a depth that makes him special and different from "all the other guys". The boy-next-door also has hamartia like an unknown past or a short temper or a dysfunctional family. But whatever flaws he has, he always manages to put up a smile without being fake and has everybody, including and especially hopeless romantic writers like me, down at their feet.
Right now, I can't think of any other male anime character that have more-or-less the same character as Kazehaya. Anyhow, I'm just happy I met him and Sawako and all the other characters. I actually found the story quite boring at first but it got really juicy in the end!
By and large, Kimi ni Todoke is one of the most memorable animes I've seen! Kampai!!!
Holy Exercise
I just got home from doing the 14 Stations of the Cross. According to the Priest, it was a Holy Exercise. I agree.
In my previous post, I wrote about losing faith in religion. I stand by my words. I will say, however, that there are still activities in being a Catholic that I will always be willing to go through. Although I can't say that I will be focused always. I will still hear masses and try to be present. I still believe in the power of the Rosary and how Mother Mary can bridge my prayers to God. I still believe in the whole gamut of Catholic doctrines.
What I have lost faith in is the way all of these are woven together in a ritual that I have now found humdrum and well, boring. Maybe it's just a phase like what they all say. Then again, maybe it isn't.
I am ashamed to write that I haven't been completely focused on Jesus' suffering this morning. I slept with Kazehaya and Sawako (from Kimi ni Todoke) in my head and I just can't seem to get them off my mind while going through the whole religious experience. There is also the matter of language. The whole exercise was in Cebuano and as much as I'd want to listen and understand, I find it kind of difficult. So I said the responses in English though it's hard to say it wholeheartedly when you're constantly trying not to be distracted by all the Cebuano incoherent mumbling of "The Lord's Prayer"
But I'm glad I went through it of course. Though I haven't been completely present and there is no excuse for my lack of motivation and commitment to the activity that was supposed to be my way of showing the Lord that I can sacrifice for him too, I just hope that the thought behind my being there, my intention of sacrfice (no matter how minute it seems compared to the one made by Jesus), well I hope it counts.
In my previous post, I wrote about losing faith in religion. I stand by my words. I will say, however, that there are still activities in being a Catholic that I will always be willing to go through. Although I can't say that I will be focused always. I will still hear masses and try to be present. I still believe in the power of the Rosary and how Mother Mary can bridge my prayers to God. I still believe in the whole gamut of Catholic doctrines.
What I have lost faith in is the way all of these are woven together in a ritual that I have now found humdrum and well, boring. Maybe it's just a phase like what they all say. Then again, maybe it isn't.
I am ashamed to write that I haven't been completely focused on Jesus' suffering this morning. I slept with Kazehaya and Sawako (from Kimi ni Todoke) in my head and I just can't seem to get them off my mind while going through the whole religious experience. There is also the matter of language. The whole exercise was in Cebuano and as much as I'd want to listen and understand, I find it kind of difficult. So I said the responses in English though it's hard to say it wholeheartedly when you're constantly trying not to be distracted by all the Cebuano incoherent mumbling of "The Lord's Prayer"
But I'm glad I went through it of course. Though I haven't been completely present and there is no excuse for my lack of motivation and commitment to the activity that was supposed to be my way of showing the Lord that I can sacrifice for him too, I just hope that the thought behind my being there, my intention of sacrfice (no matter how minute it seems compared to the one made by Jesus), well I hope it counts.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
losing my religion
Today is Maunday Thursday, the official start of the Holy Week, which doesn't feel so holy to me. My mom, stepdad, and I (my sister is sick) went to Church this afternoon to hear mass and I just realized for the last time (because I've been thinking about it) that I have lost faith in religion.
Religion is not something you equate with faith. Because I have faith. I have a lot of faith. I have never doubted, not once, that there is a Higher Power that holds everything together. I know for a fact that there is a God and that He or She is Good. Life is not random. Everything happens for a reason.
But religion. I think I am done with it.
First of all, religion is sort of a box that holds people together through fear. Fear is good. I mean we do everthing because either we fear the consequences or the absence thereof. But the kind of fear endorsed by religion is sometimes irrational. All this talk of going to Hell and facing the floodgates of God's fiery wrath. Sure, I am afraid of those things but I am also afraid of not living my life because I'm always in a bubble of fear. God made our bodies temporal and corporeal for a reason. If it is true that I can die anytime, why not make the most of my time? Why can't I enjoy myself, have a drink, party?
If my Uncle the Pastor could read this, he'd probably never talk to me again and I understand where the violently religious are coming from. There are verses in the Bible that clearly instruct us to always live our lives in utmost simplicity and to give and share and always be honest. I believe I can do and be all these things without religion.
Religion merely provides an avenue for the expression of faith but it shouldn't get the best of us. It shouldn't hold us back from the experience of wanting with the threat of Hell against our throats. After all, what matters at the end is simply our faith. Having that confidence in a Power that you know judges you and rewards you at the end of the day has to make you aware of your capacity to be good. And we all strive to be good people whether or not we go the Churches or Mosques or Temples.
What I'm saying ultimately is that I don't consider myelf just as a Catholic anymore. I feel like a hypocrite everytime I hear Mass and I hear it but I don't really listen to it and all I think about are stupid things like nose jobs, pretty dresses, and a flight to a foreign country. I want to worship God with the whole of my heart and my religion just doesn't provide me with that kind of motivation anymore. I feel more at close with God when I'm just talking to Him or when I pray than going to Church. I feel God's presence more when I feel a peaceful kind of happiness when I'm with my friends or when I smell the rain.
My religion is faith. But yes, I will continue going to Church and hearing masses because that's the only way I know to prove to God that I want to sacrifice something for Him, too. Sometimes, I can be really into it singing the songs and listening to interesting priests deliver even more interesting homilies but more often than not, I find it such a drag. I feel bored and I don't see the point of listening when I already know the "Parable of the Prodigal Son" and am pretty much acquainted with what it wants to say. Furthermore, some priests just deliver their homilies just for the sake of doing it. There is no heart in it, no passion, no effort whatsoever in trying to push these people into action.
Honestly, I find all masses nowadays more humdrum than usual. That shouldn't be the case. A Eucharistic celebration has to be a new cathartic experience everytime. I sometimes envy Protestant communities whose sermons or sessions or whatever they call their masses are much more livelier and louder than ours. I know it isn't fair to compare but you just have to. You can't help it!
Tomorrow is Good Friday and I'll try my best to make tomorrow as peaceful and as solemn as possible. The Lord Jesus Christ died after all and even though I can't stand bland and repetitive homilies anymore, I still have respect for the teachings of the Church. I still believe in the Bible and I still will subscribe to all religious ceremonies my firstborn religion has me disposed. It's just my perspective in religion that has changed. My faith hasn't and I highly doubt that it will ever.
That tension aside, have a Blessed Holy Week everyone!
Religion is not something you equate with faith. Because I have faith. I have a lot of faith. I have never doubted, not once, that there is a Higher Power that holds everything together. I know for a fact that there is a God and that He or She is Good. Life is not random. Everything happens for a reason.
But religion. I think I am done with it.
First of all, religion is sort of a box that holds people together through fear. Fear is good. I mean we do everthing because either we fear the consequences or the absence thereof. But the kind of fear endorsed by religion is sometimes irrational. All this talk of going to Hell and facing the floodgates of God's fiery wrath. Sure, I am afraid of those things but I am also afraid of not living my life because I'm always in a bubble of fear. God made our bodies temporal and corporeal for a reason. If it is true that I can die anytime, why not make the most of my time? Why can't I enjoy myself, have a drink, party?
If my Uncle the Pastor could read this, he'd probably never talk to me again and I understand where the violently religious are coming from. There are verses in the Bible that clearly instruct us to always live our lives in utmost simplicity and to give and share and always be honest. I believe I can do and be all these things without religion.
Religion merely provides an avenue for the expression of faith but it shouldn't get the best of us. It shouldn't hold us back from the experience of wanting with the threat of Hell against our throats. After all, what matters at the end is simply our faith. Having that confidence in a Power that you know judges you and rewards you at the end of the day has to make you aware of your capacity to be good. And we all strive to be good people whether or not we go the Churches or Mosques or Temples.
What I'm saying ultimately is that I don't consider myelf just as a Catholic anymore. I feel like a hypocrite everytime I hear Mass and I hear it but I don't really listen to it and all I think about are stupid things like nose jobs, pretty dresses, and a flight to a foreign country. I want to worship God with the whole of my heart and my religion just doesn't provide me with that kind of motivation anymore. I feel more at close with God when I'm just talking to Him or when I pray than going to Church. I feel God's presence more when I feel a peaceful kind of happiness when I'm with my friends or when I smell the rain.
My religion is faith. But yes, I will continue going to Church and hearing masses because that's the only way I know to prove to God that I want to sacrifice something for Him, too. Sometimes, I can be really into it singing the songs and listening to interesting priests deliver even more interesting homilies but more often than not, I find it such a drag. I feel bored and I don't see the point of listening when I already know the "Parable of the Prodigal Son" and am pretty much acquainted with what it wants to say. Furthermore, some priests just deliver their homilies just for the sake of doing it. There is no heart in it, no passion, no effort whatsoever in trying to push these people into action.
Honestly, I find all masses nowadays more humdrum than usual. That shouldn't be the case. A Eucharistic celebration has to be a new cathartic experience everytime. I sometimes envy Protestant communities whose sermons or sessions or whatever they call their masses are much more livelier and louder than ours. I know it isn't fair to compare but you just have to. You can't help it!
Tomorrow is Good Friday and I'll try my best to make tomorrow as peaceful and as solemn as possible. The Lord Jesus Christ died after all and even though I can't stand bland and repetitive homilies anymore, I still have respect for the teachings of the Church. I still believe in the Bible and I still will subscribe to all religious ceremonies my firstborn religion has me disposed. It's just my perspective in religion that has changed. My faith hasn't and I highly doubt that it will ever.
That tension aside, have a Blessed Holy Week everyone!
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
Strive for Excellence
Strive for excellence and success will follow
3 idiots has been in my disk for a month now and though a lot of people have told me what an amazing film it is, I waited 'till now to watch it. I guess it was my loss.
Rancho is the kind of person that I'm striving to be one day: someone that is motivated by his thirst of knowledge alone and not by external pressure, not by fear, not by a lack of any other dream, not even by money. He goes to school because he genuinely wants to learn and because he has so much passion and he wants to know how he can turn that passion into something that can benefit other people. This, I believe, is the true meaning of education.
I realize now that we shouldn't go to school with success on our minds. Success should only be the by-product of the process. What the process of education needs is just hunger and drive. The whole educational system comprising of schools, teachers, books, they are all just catalysts. For one to be truly educated, he only needs to acknowledge his ignorance and to want to fill that idiocy with wisdom.
Parents nowadays force their children to take up a certain degree because this will "buy you a nice house" or a "nice car". There is absolutely nothing wrong with parents wanting their children to have a good life. After all, isn't this what all parents want ultimately? However, it is often the case that when parents are frustrated dreamers, they want their children to put the dream back in motion, forgetting that their children might want to become a writer instead of a businessman. Then, it becomes about the house, the car, the furniture, the things that will be the envy of the neighborhood. It becomes about "success" and "wealth" but seldom or never about "happiness".
It's good to watch films about kids standing up for what they love and pursuing the dreams that are theirs. What is sad is that kids like these are very few in real life. Kids today, especially in 3rd world country like ours, can't afford to have dreams let alone chase after them. They are immediately bombarded by reality and this reality has poverty written all over it. There is no such thing as "going to school to learn". That's bullshit. Our children go to school to get a job.
We live in a dystopic society where knowledge doesn't hold a candle to practicality, where passion is futile unless it can get you somewhere, and where it doesn't matter if you've really learned something as long as you make it pass the cut-off grade. I see so many students potential and they are not given the right opportunities to explore what they can do.
3 idiots features the most brilliant ending I have ever seen. I can only hope that everybody gets to watch it and finds courage to overcome their fears, face whatever pressure is on them with honesty and pride, and tell themselves when they've realized their dreams,
All is well.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
being alive
I want this day to be productive. I've been sleeping in since yesterday and haven't done anything remotely significant. Yes, I'm still sick but I'm the type that never lets a runny nose and an itchy throat get in the way of things. Well, this time might be different because I actually don't have anything to do. I'm bored out of my mind and I'm too lazy to continue learning how to drive, to finish or start learning a new piece on the keyboard, and to finally close that John Grisham book that has been opened-and-closed continually these past few days.
I'm tired of sitting but the thought of walking around also tires me. Ugh. The irony of man's desires. Why hello, Aristotle. You sound vaguely familiar. I'm sure I learned you in a philosophy class or something. Weren't you the dude who said that the soul was like a chariot? Or was that your teacher Plato?
This is why I hate not being in school! I feel myself mentally disintegrating. My brain cells refuse to wake up and all I can think about is getting teeth braces and cutting my hair and losing 8 kilos in a week.
Big sigh. I can't even write. Crickets. Crickets.
I'm tired of sitting but the thought of walking around also tires me. Ugh. The irony of man's desires. Why hello, Aristotle. You sound vaguely familiar. I'm sure I learned you in a philosophy class or something. Weren't you the dude who said that the soul was like a chariot? Or was that your teacher Plato?
This is why I hate not being in school! I feel myself mentally disintegrating. My brain cells refuse to wake up and all I can think about is getting teeth braces and cutting my hair and losing 8 kilos in a week.
Big sigh. I can't even write. Crickets. Crickets.
This is how I feel today
Here we go again
I kinda wanna be more than friends
So take it easy on me
I'm afraid you're never satisfied.
Here we go again
We're sick like animals
We play pretend
You're just a cannibal
And I'm afraid I wont get out alive
No I won't sleep tonight
CHORUS:
Oh, oh
I want some more
Oh, oh
What are you waitin' for?
Take a bite of my heart tonight
Oh oh
I want some more
Oh oh
What are you waitin' for?
What are you waitin' for?
Say goodbye to my heart tonight
Here we are again
I feel the chemicals kickin' in
It's gettin' heavier
I wanna run and hide
I wanna run and hide
I do it every time
You're killin' me now
And I won't be denied by you
The animal inside of you
CHORUS:
Oh, oh
I want some more
Oh, oh
What are you waitin' for?
Take a bite of my heart tonight.
Oh oh
I want some more
Oh oh
What are you waitin' for?
What are you waitin' for?
Say goodbye to my heart tonight
This is a song by Neon Trees titled "Animal"
That's kind of how I feel today. A bit of an animal. A bit romantic. A bit sick. A bit alive.
I kinda wanna be more than friends
So take it easy on me
I'm afraid you're never satisfied.
Here we go again
We're sick like animals
We play pretend
You're just a cannibal
And I'm afraid I wont get out alive
No I won't sleep tonight
CHORUS:
Oh, oh
I want some more
Oh, oh
What are you waitin' for?
Take a bite of my heart tonight
Oh oh
I want some more
Oh oh
What are you waitin' for?
What are you waitin' for?
Say goodbye to my heart tonight
Here we are again
I feel the chemicals kickin' in
It's gettin' heavier
I wanna run and hide
I wanna run and hide
I do it every time
You're killin' me now
And I won't be denied by you
The animal inside of you
CHORUS:
Oh, oh
I want some more
Oh, oh
What are you waitin' for?
Take a bite of my heart tonight.
Oh oh
I want some more
Oh oh
What are you waitin' for?
What are you waitin' for?
Say goodbye to my heart tonight
This is a song by Neon Trees titled "Animal"
That's kind of how I feel today. A bit of an animal. A bit romantic. A bit sick. A bit alive.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Sick
I'm sick again.
I have a bad cold and I'm starting to cough like a shotgun. These days I don't feel like doing anything (insert Bruno Mars song). Seriously, I'm so lazy all I do is sleep and eat and watch TV in between. I haven't even finished A Time to Kill yet and I've been reading it for almost a week now. I just get tired after I finish a chapter. Ugh. It's like my brain's giving up on me. I can't even write a decent blog update for crying out loud! Is this the result of continuously using it for half my life? Has it run out? Oh, I can even feel a headache coming.
It's not helping that I still can't get over that horrible job interview. I still don't understand why my interviewer had to give me a snotty I'm-smarter-than-you attitude. I mean I know that! If she weren't smarter than me, she wouldn't be interviewing me! I know she's the boss and she didn't have to take pains slapping me hard in the face with that fact. Was she mad that I sounded so confident about the exam which turned out I "just" passed? Did she think I was being arrogant when I told her I graduated magna cum laude or that I have several experiences being an editor? And if she did, I was only only telling her my qualifications and it wasn't my intention at all to brag. Or was she intimidated because I was so qualified and she knows I could snatch her job from her from right under her nose?
I've had people telling me to keep my feet on the ground. And my feet has never left the ground since 3rd grade. I've learned since that people don't like braggarts and people who think they're all that. I don't think I've ever bragged about how smart I am because honestly, I don't think of myself high enough for that. I have insecurities and those get in the way of me ever being proud enough to tell people that I'm smarter than them and that they should treat me with more respect. Sure I know I'm better than average but I've never rubbed that fact in other people's faces.
After that, I just lost that feeling of looking forward to a new experience. It's now been replaced by a cloud of doubt that I know will take long to disintegrate. Look at me. I'm wasting away and I don't even care.
I just hope things get better in their own time.
I have a bad cold and I'm starting to cough like a shotgun. These days I don't feel like doing anything (insert Bruno Mars song). Seriously, I'm so lazy all I do is sleep and eat and watch TV in between. I haven't even finished A Time to Kill yet and I've been reading it for almost a week now. I just get tired after I finish a chapter. Ugh. It's like my brain's giving up on me. I can't even write a decent blog update for crying out loud! Is this the result of continuously using it for half my life? Has it run out? Oh, I can even feel a headache coming.
It's not helping that I still can't get over that horrible job interview. I still don't understand why my interviewer had to give me a snotty I'm-smarter-than-you attitude. I mean I know that! If she weren't smarter than me, she wouldn't be interviewing me! I know she's the boss and she didn't have to take pains slapping me hard in the face with that fact. Was she mad that I sounded so confident about the exam which turned out I "just" passed? Did she think I was being arrogant when I told her I graduated magna cum laude or that I have several experiences being an editor? And if she did, I was only only telling her my qualifications and it wasn't my intention at all to brag. Or was she intimidated because I was so qualified and she knows I could snatch her job from her from right under her nose?
I've had people telling me to keep my feet on the ground. And my feet has never left the ground since 3rd grade. I've learned since that people don't like braggarts and people who think they're all that. I don't think I've ever bragged about how smart I am because honestly, I don't think of myself high enough for that. I have insecurities and those get in the way of me ever being proud enough to tell people that I'm smarter than them and that they should treat me with more respect. Sure I know I'm better than average but I've never rubbed that fact in other people's faces.
After that, I just lost that feeling of looking forward to a new experience. It's now been replaced by a cloud of doubt that I know will take long to disintegrate. Look at me. I'm wasting away and I don't even care.
I just hope things get better in their own time.
Sunday, April 03, 2011
another love rant ('cause I just have to let it out dammit)
Here it comes again, this sick feeling at the bottom of my stomach. I find it hard breathing and there is only one thing on my mind, him.
I want to think that this is just the result of being together all the time, especially these past couple of days, and me not having anyone else to vent all my romantic frustrations on. I've been over this feeling last Christmas and I don't want it back. No matter how bright and warm it makes me feel, I don't want it back. I know it'll disappear soon and I'll be left wondering again if this is the real thing or the product of my post-menstrual hormones. I'll be left wondering too if he ever felt the same way or if he feels the same way about me as he does with the rest of our friends.
But God! He looked amazing in that motorcycle that I can't help but feel that tingling sensation all over again. I was caught off guard. He looked so strong, so in-control, and it deviates so much from what I see in him everyday that I just let it bring my guard down. And now that it has shattered, here I am writing it down because I'm finding that there is no way I can get him off my mind. I can't stop thinking about him it drives me nuts!
I just wish that this is just one of those romantic phases I get myself into when my hormones are all shaken up and I just need a guy to think about and afterwards when my hormones have calmed down, I can easilly shake off those feelings. Gah! This will hurt me bad when I see him again and he's back into his silent, indifferent, kind-of-awkward self. I like him for being those things because I've never liked silent guys and it's refreshing for me but it just makes me all confused. I have a tendency to read into things too much and doing that with him breaks my heart. Sometimes, he's the annoying kind of indifferent that I don't like, sometimes he's the gentleman who carries the grocery bag for you, sometimes I don't even notice his presence, and then there is the time when I just think he looks like a total rockstar and I just don't care about everything else. It's soo frustrating!
Then there is another theory left. I'm probably becoming desperate and I'm becoming paranoid because of that desperation. I just don't see how I'm still not close to having a relationship. I'm twenty and I really need that kind of security. I don't want to end up single like they say smart girls always do. I want to be able to love and be loved in that cliched, stupid, and romantic way.
I want to think that this is just the result of being together all the time, especially these past couple of days, and me not having anyone else to vent all my romantic frustrations on. I've been over this feeling last Christmas and I don't want it back. No matter how bright and warm it makes me feel, I don't want it back. I know it'll disappear soon and I'll be left wondering again if this is the real thing or the product of my post-menstrual hormones. I'll be left wondering too if he ever felt the same way or if he feels the same way about me as he does with the rest of our friends.
But God! He looked amazing in that motorcycle that I can't help but feel that tingling sensation all over again. I was caught off guard. He looked so strong, so in-control, and it deviates so much from what I see in him everyday that I just let it bring my guard down. And now that it has shattered, here I am writing it down because I'm finding that there is no way I can get him off my mind. I can't stop thinking about him it drives me nuts!
I just wish that this is just one of those romantic phases I get myself into when my hormones are all shaken up and I just need a guy to think about and afterwards when my hormones have calmed down, I can easilly shake off those feelings. Gah! This will hurt me bad when I see him again and he's back into his silent, indifferent, kind-of-awkward self. I like him for being those things because I've never liked silent guys and it's refreshing for me but it just makes me all confused. I have a tendency to read into things too much and doing that with him breaks my heart. Sometimes, he's the annoying kind of indifferent that I don't like, sometimes he's the gentleman who carries the grocery bag for you, sometimes I don't even notice his presence, and then there is the time when I just think he looks like a total rockstar and I just don't care about everything else. It's soo frustrating!
Then there is another theory left. I'm probably becoming desperate and I'm becoming paranoid because of that desperation. I just don't see how I'm still not close to having a relationship. I'm twenty and I really need that kind of security. I don't want to end up single like they say smart girls always do. I want to be able to love and be loved in that cliched, stupid, and romantic way.
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