my impossible (?) dream

im surprised im actually writing something in here. well, that's something i would call a miracle.

yesterday was different. i faced the computer whole day, waiting for the kat-tun concert i was downloading to finish. my mom was out. my sister was pretty out of it because she was up until 3'oclock in the morning. *sighs* yesterday was my last whole day in my house. today im going to have to leave again. bummer.

since there was nothing good to do, i just lied there on my bed and started to drift away in another daydream. we just finished the second season of Gokusen so we still had after-drools. kame and jin was soo hot that i suddenly remembered that one impossible dream:

BE A PORN STAR.

i know, i know. for someone who doesn't look the part, it's pretty impossible. but i believe in myself, that i can make myself look beautiful in the eyes of other people. i don't wanna be a pornstar because im a sex-maniac but because i think being able to do those things on tv speaks a lot about a person and how confident he/she is. i've never really been confident. i can talk to people but somewhere inside me, i know i think im not as good enough.

being physically beautiful is top priority if you want yourself sold. because people look at that first. and if you don't pass the first test, you fail the rest. that's why im trying really hard to loose weight. i've tried crash diet and it actually works. whatever. it was no use anyway because i gained them back over Christmas. tse.

oh and i vow, i will VOW, to go to Japan and make myself popular there.

okay, okay. *sighs* im sorry im not making any sense. my writer's block just got frickin worse. i just stare at the blank screen and wind up deleting every letter i write. sometimes it wears me off and gets me really depressed but i think ive gotten used to it. i don't know when i'll get my inspiration back but i feel that it will come soon. and when it does, the words'll just flow.

am i a writer or am i not?

totally blocked out.

those words are probably the best way to describe the writing hiatus that im going through right now. (sighs) writers keep journals. and when you say keep, it means keep, like KEEP writing in it. well, i haven't written in here for four months or something. god, what am i doing? am i a writer or am i not?

i haven't even written anything for Christmas or new year.

well, this Christmas (don't mean to be so blunt and all) was kind of dull compared to last year. i don't why but i feel that way. but new years was great because i get to call my friends. oh and we went to mass. haha. i am so boring, aren't I?

however, i did realize something at the turn of the new year. and i have now come to accept it. i love meg. i don't care if i break a dozen of society rules or if i harbor a million raising eyebrows. the love i feel for her transcends beyond gender. and isn't love unconditional anyway? and if God, if God doesn't allow this kind of love, then why the hell would He let me feel it? God, I just can't stop thinking about her and when i heard her voice when i called her, my heart just somersaulted.

she knows that i love her but i don't want us to get into anything serious. except into a serious friendship. because she's leaving and she's never coming back and people leaving me is always something that I don't get over with, with just over a couple of blog entries or black roast coffee cans or friendly advices.

i don't want to get hurt.

i mean if i get hurt with her, then i'll take the risk. but she's not going to be with me. so i guess i'll just have to wallow in my misery again and write when it finally explodes into words. well, am i a writer or am i not?

i wrote a story about a demon going into high-school and experiencing love first-hand. i couldn't finish writing the third chapter! crap! am i a writer or am i NOT?!!!

oh and i just found out that being born in the year of the horse is bad luck this year. wow. what a perfect year opener for me, dontyathink?

im not writing anything good, am i? (sighs) i guess i need more romantic tv shows, books, messages and phonecalls to get my ass to work. i guess i have to end this crap here. don't wanna bore your guts any more than im sure it already is...xxx