I don't know or remember how many times I've written about this subject. And yet, I feel there are still so many things left unwritten. I've fallen in love with different kinds of people countless of times, got my heart broken over and over again, and still here I am, blushing like a high-school girl, thinking about a guy and writing stuff about the wuzzy funny feelings he gives her.
I want to think that to be able to love is to be sure that somehow, your feelings will be returned. But I know that isn't true. Because love is unconditional and when you do love, there is absolutely no certainty that he/she will be able to give you back your feelings. I know this for a fact. And it hurts. It hurts to think that no matter what you do, you'll always be the only one who gets to feel the pain of thinking about a person the whole day and knowing they aren't thinking of you at all. It hurts to be told and shown that to them, you aren't good enough. You're not that pretty, that tall, that athletic.
And maybe this is why I'm too scared to fall in love again, to like a person and getting mad because you have absolutely no way of getting them out of your mind. Maybe it's the same reason why I can't bring myself to entertain the possibility that he might like me back. Why it extremely confuses me every time he does little things to make me smile, when he makes un-funny jokes that I laugh at anyway, when he holds my hand and smiles. Because when I tell myself, "he likes you", a bigger part of me says, "he's just being nice". And it's that bigger part who always gets to win. So I'm left staring at myself in the mirror and telling it that someone like him will never like someone like me.
But God! He makes it so easy for me to think otherwise. I just wish he wouldn't be so nice so I could just directly tell myself to fuck off. But the way he smiles...there's just so much hope in the way he smiles that it gives me a reason to believe in that stupid love thing again, to have confidence that maybe this time, someone will think I'm good enough. And maybe, just maybe, I could stop being in love with being alone.
Maybe I could finally find a reason to tell the mirror to mind its own business when it starts making me feel like major shit. I'm not a cynical person. Neither am I proud nor conceited. I won't think that a guy like him might possibly like me if he doesn't give me a reason to think so himself. I'm not selfish either. I won't fight for something that I know isn't meant for me. If he has somebody else, then I'll pig out and write a crappy blog post about how my heart has been broken for the nth time. But if this is it, if what I feel every time I look into his eyes is real and is not just some temporary high-school crush thing, then I'll thank God and find a way to make him and me an 'us'.
