I feel resolutely happy today. And I haven't felt like this in a very long time. So thank you, Rachmaninoff. Thank you, music, for bringing me back to myself.
It just makes you feel thankful and takes you back to why you're here in the first place. Everything exists for a reason. There are no coincidences, just miracles. Little touches of the divine. Something to let you know that it helps to smile every morning and remember that every day is special.
Thank you, God.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
Downing the Bottle
I don't think I can put into words exactly how bad I feel right now. It's partly because of the embarrassing situations I have again managed to get myself into when I got drunk last Saturday night and because of the post-effects on my Sunday.
I'm above pretending to be drunk just to see how much people will make fun of me. I've proved that they will laugh at you but then take care you after. I actually like lasting longer in drinking sessions because the conversations take on really interesting turns, and I wouldn't miss out on that. But I can't help it if I get dizzy after three shots. I've always been a cheap drunk . . . and a bad one too.
I wouldn't have minded waking up yesterday with a major thumping headache; I've been in that sheet one too many times. But this time, this time, I missed something that I was looking forward to for three weeks with someone.
My 10-kilometer marathon with Hannah.
Thinking about it breaks my heart in pieces. The first thing I did when I woke up and found out that it was almost seven was cry. I had to cry. Drinking all that lethal combo of Gatorade and rhum wasn't worth missing the marathon. It just wasn't worth it.
I'm above pretending to be drunk just to see how much people will make fun of me. I've proved that they will laugh at you but then take care you after. I actually like lasting longer in drinking sessions because the conversations take on really interesting turns, and I wouldn't miss out on that. But I can't help it if I get dizzy after three shots. I've always been a cheap drunk . . . and a bad one too.
I wouldn't have minded waking up yesterday with a major thumping headache; I've been in that sheet one too many times. But this time, this time, I missed something that I was looking forward to for three weeks with someone.
My 10-kilometer marathon with Hannah.
Thinking about it breaks my heart in pieces. The first thing I did when I woke up and found out that it was almost seven was cry. I had to cry. Drinking all that lethal combo of Gatorade and rhum wasn't worth missing the marathon. It just wasn't worth it.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Monday, March 12, 2012
Life News
Gained three pounds since last week.
I blame coffee and the nice old lady who knocks on our office door every 2:30 PM selling snacks that look too inviting to ignore. I usually buy two bananas, but they are dipped so generously in caramel that I might as well have bought two doughnuts. And it isn't only for the sake of eating that I indulge myself with an afternoon snack; it's mostly to ward off sleep—which took up a lot of my time at work last week. Thankfully, I was so well rested last weekend that I could probably stay up for one whole day.
Plus, I'm really broke (this doesn't stop me from eating though) from the theft last week and from that trip last weekend. It has me a little worried about that trip to Palawan. I'm thinking of pawning my class ring, but I honestly cringe at this idea. If all else fails, however, I guess I will have no choice.
I am currently in the state of pushing my lifestyle down a notch. No parties. No shopping. No movies. No pigging out in plush restaurants. No out-of-town trips. I realized that it feels strange and ironically enfeebling to stay in all day when you're so used to being out and about on Saturdays. It doesn't help either that on weekends I miss him very terribly. This will sound corny, but I truthfully feel more complete in his company. And my weekends, regardless whether they're awkward, silent, or generally confusing and painful (for my heart), are now irrevocably tied up to him, dependent on his invites and lack thereof. I've been so used to his company that I just can't enjoy being alone anymore. And it sucks because I don't like feeling lonely when I'm alone. Before we started going out on dates (I don't know what else you'd call being alone together for most of the day), when I'm at the mall and watching a movie by myself, I don't feel sad or pathetic; I feel independent and empowered. Now I feel aimless and deficient.
Going back to my considerable weight increase (considerable because it's not easy losing it again dammit), I am subscribing to Fr. Rex's homily last Sunday, at least those that I remember.
1. More walk, less ride.
Would do it willingly if the office is but a walking distance. Unfortunately, it's two-rides far, so I'm applying this advice on other circumstances. I love walking anyway, so shouldn't be hard.
2. More deeds, less words.
Hmn, I'm really more of a words kind of person, so I'm not sure how I'll go around this. Probably, shut the hell up when you don't need to speak. Or don't make promises (especially to yourself) that you won't fight for to keep.
3. More chewing, less eating.
This is good advice! See, according to this book I've read, taking twice the time to eat your food makes you full twice as fast. I'm a fast-eater, so I tend to eat more to get satisfied. I tried that this lunch. It's a little hard when you're feeling ravenous, but getting yourself distracted, for instance texting or watching TV, will help make you chew your food longer, and hence make you feel full sooner.
4. More prayers, less worries.
This one's my favorite. I felt really awful last Sunday missing church because I was feeling lazy. I've also noticed that my prayers aren't that solemn or long anymore. It's like I'm giving God words out of a template. Sometimes, I'm ashamed to admit, I just resort to "Our Father" or "Glory Be." I know it's not really wrong if you mean it, but God deserves more than a pre-made prayer. He deserves something personal and heartfelt. When I'm tired, my heart falls asleep before it can begin to open itself to prayer. But I'm always praying—when I talk to myself (to God, really), I guess that's some sort of prayer. And it does lessen your worries because you know that you don't have to face them by yourself.
Now I feel awful cursing. Oh but I guess I'm allowed to some degree of profanity.
Get your ass back to work, bitch!
I blame coffee and the nice old lady who knocks on our office door every 2:30 PM selling snacks that look too inviting to ignore. I usually buy two bananas, but they are dipped so generously in caramel that I might as well have bought two doughnuts. And it isn't only for the sake of eating that I indulge myself with an afternoon snack; it's mostly to ward off sleep—which took up a lot of my time at work last week. Thankfully, I was so well rested last weekend that I could probably stay up for one whole day.
Plus, I'm really broke (this doesn't stop me from eating though) from the theft last week and from that trip last weekend. It has me a little worried about that trip to Palawan. I'm thinking of pawning my class ring, but I honestly cringe at this idea. If all else fails, however, I guess I will have no choice.
I am currently in the state of pushing my lifestyle down a notch. No parties. No shopping. No movies. No pigging out in plush restaurants. No out-of-town trips. I realized that it feels strange and ironically enfeebling to stay in all day when you're so used to being out and about on Saturdays. It doesn't help either that on weekends I miss him very terribly. This will sound corny, but I truthfully feel more complete in his company. And my weekends, regardless whether they're awkward, silent, or generally confusing and painful (for my heart), are now irrevocably tied up to him, dependent on his invites and lack thereof. I've been so used to his company that I just can't enjoy being alone anymore. And it sucks because I don't like feeling lonely when I'm alone. Before we started going out on dates (I don't know what else you'd call being alone together for most of the day), when I'm at the mall and watching a movie by myself, I don't feel sad or pathetic; I feel independent and empowered. Now I feel aimless and deficient.
Going back to my considerable weight increase (considerable because it's not easy losing it again dammit), I am subscribing to Fr. Rex's homily last Sunday, at least those that I remember.
1. More walk,
Would do it willingly if the office is but a walking distance. Unfortunately, it's two-rides far, so I'm applying this advice on other circumstances. I love walking anyway, so shouldn't be hard.
2. More deeds,
Hmn, I'm really more of a words kind of person, so I'm not sure how I'll go around this. Probably, shut the hell up when you don't need to speak. Or don't make promises (especially to yourself) that you won't fight for to keep.
3. More chewing,
This is good advice! See, according to this book I've read, taking twice the time to eat your food makes you full twice as fast. I'm a fast-eater, so I tend to eat more to get satisfied. I tried that this lunch. It's a little hard when you're feeling ravenous, but getting yourself distracted, for instance texting or watching TV, will help make you chew your food longer, and hence make you feel full sooner.
4. More prayers,
This one's my favorite. I felt really awful last Sunday missing church because I was feeling lazy. I've also noticed that my prayers aren't that solemn or long anymore. It's like I'm giving God words out of a template. Sometimes, I'm ashamed to admit, I just resort to "Our Father" or "Glory Be." I know it's not really wrong if you mean it, but God deserves more than a pre-made prayer. He deserves something personal and heartfelt. When I'm tired, my heart falls asleep before it can begin to open itself to prayer. But I'm always praying—when I talk to myself (to God, really), I guess that's some sort of prayer. And it does lessen your worries because you know that you don't have to face them by yourself.
Now I feel awful cursing. Oh but I guess I'm allowed to some degree of profanity.
Get your ass back to work, bitch!
Thursday, March 08, 2012
Stop Smiling!
He talked to me again today. No, actually, he made a joke that I didn't even hear. I know I should have laughed anyway, but I was so caught off guard that I just stared at him like a clueless dork (I was wearing my glasses) and half-murmured, "Huh?"
And he said, half-laughing, "That was a joke." And I just half-chuckled because I wouldn't want to be over-responsive like last time when he said "good morning" quietly and I practically screamed my good morning back. That was embarrassing!
He's quite tall too! When we were struggling to fit ourselves in the narrow pathway of the kitchen, he towered over me with his probably almost 6-feet height. Oh, but his voice! And that childlike, weirdly familiar laugh!
Okay, I have to stop smiling. Stop smiling, I say! And get your ass back to work.
And he said, half-laughing, "That was a joke." And I just half-chuckled because I wouldn't want to be over-responsive like last time when he said "good morning" quietly and I practically screamed my good morning back. That was embarrassing!
He's quite tall too! When we were struggling to fit ourselves in the narrow pathway of the kitchen, he towered over me with his probably almost 6-feet height. Oh, but his voice! And that childlike, weirdly familiar laugh!
Okay, I have to stop smiling. Stop smiling, I say! And get your ass back to work.
Tuesday, March 06, 2012
Endless Morning
Just beyond
the thunder
is a slow pluck of a
guitar string
and a finger
heavily pressed
against the black
keys of an old
piano.
I sit there
remembering
a little girl
who once danced
in the rain
and her dog
whose fur
licked sunshine.
the thunder
is a slow pluck of a
guitar string
and a finger
heavily pressed
against the black
keys of an old
piano.
I sit there
remembering
a little girl
who once danced
in the rain
and her dog
whose fur
licked sunshine.
Monday, March 05, 2012
Compared to Rocks and Mountains
“What are men compared to rocks and mountains?”
It was Elizabeth (Pride and Prejudice) who said this, and I knew then that she was right. Nature gives you a different kind of romance that is more peaceful, more pure, and more profound. It’s a love that transcends the physical and is almost paranormal—like somehow you’ve been touched by something divine.
This weekend, my friends and I went to a remote village to try their new adventure park. It was quite far from the city; we felt like we passed around ten mountains or so. But when we got there, the seemingly endless road trip was well worth listening to annoying kids sing Justin Bieber songs and narrate their life story to friends who were obviously not interested.
The whole park was, according to our very friendly guide, 133 hectares wide and is owned by a Chinese family whom we had the pleasure of meeting that day (such a lovely lot). They offer several activities that satiate adrenaline and adventure highs that some of us are wont to look for after being stuck in constancy for so long—a price that comes with living in the city. The adventure rates and packages are quite reasonable as well, so it was a perfect getaway.
We did trekking, caving, zipline, and horseback riding. I had the most fun during the zipline and horseback riding. I’ve always wanted to ride a horse and see if it feels good like the movies make it appear. The truth is it hurt! I couldn’t feel my legs for three minutes after I dismounted. I think it was probably because my legs are too short; my feet didn’t even reach the frickin’ stirrup! But all was well.
I also discovered when we were walking toward the cave and during the caving activity and especially during the zipline that I wasn’t that afraid of heights. My stomach turned a couple of knots of course, but I wasn’t dizzy or nauseous like I’d normally feel when I’m climbing a high staircase. I think my fear of falling isn’t triggered because I know that when I fall, I’m going to land on soft ground. In contrast, if I fall on a staircase, I’d hit my head on concrete and get brain damage or die.
The weather was cooperative too. The sun would be smoldering for one second and be covered by nimbus clouds the next. It never rained on us, which was great (but then I secretly hoped it would). Ah, how the air smelled good! It just makes you want to roll on the grass until gravity takes you somewhere nice.
We got home that day with little cuts from the grasses but with memories that we bragged to everyone on Facebook.
On Sunday, Hannah and I joined an eco-marathon whose proceeds are going to a team of engineering students who will be building a car that doesn't run on petroleum. We ran the whole six kilometers; it was so much fun! And I'm sure my body appreciated the sweat (which was offset by the pounds of food I ate after *groan*).
But the best thing about this weekend was the part where I walked drenched in the morning rain. I felt so beautiful—like I was meeting nature for the first time after being separated for who-knows-how-long, like meeting an old friend. The streets were empty too, so I was at liberty to smile and close my eyes without having to fear about people thinking I'm some kind of wet lunatic. I got home that morning feeling a special kind of happiness, the kind that words will never be able to describes, the kind that only God can give. It's the happiness of knowing that God is there, holding me with the rain, whispering to me through the wind, loving me by opening my eyes to the beauty that he made just for me to behold.
What are men compared to rocks and mountains? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Thursday, March 01, 2012
Hasta la Vista
I am alarmed at the rate of madness my mind has been running on these past couple of days. I want to try everything! I just booked a flight to Palawan for god's sake, and I don't even know how I'm going to save money for that trip! But the feeling is majestic--yes, that can only be the word to describe it. For the first time in my life,I made a decision that was just me. I didn't even gave myself room to rationalize my choice; I just frickin' made it! And it feels wonderful.
I don't know why I'm suddenly feeling the urgency to live my life this year. I want to learn a language, travel, meet new people, fall in love and be hurt again. And even though I don't really have the money to do all those things, I feel as if it doesn't matter as much as my willingness and enthusiasm does. I'm high on freedom, on life, and on the things that are waiting for me in places I've never been.
They say March is the month of growing things. So I'm going to grow in the best possible way I can--in places that will not hold the certainty that comes with comfort and with people I will just have to trust.
Wish me luck then.
I don't know why I'm suddenly feeling the urgency to live my life this year. I want to learn a language, travel, meet new people, fall in love and be hurt again. And even though I don't really have the money to do all those things, I feel as if it doesn't matter as much as my willingness and enthusiasm does. I'm high on freedom, on life, and on the things that are waiting for me in places I've never been.
They say March is the month of growing things. So I'm going to grow in the best possible way I can--in places that will not hold the certainty that comes with comfort and with people I will just have to trust.
Wish me luck then.
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