letting it out

I have no right to tell anyone that they can't write. Everybody can.

But to have that ability to fill words with genuine feelings and deep-seated thoughts, that's an entirely different story.

No I'm not saying I'm a good writer, hell, I don't even think that! When I sit on a chair, hold a pen or stare at a blank Microsoft Word page, I know that there are still so many things I have to learn about writing, so many books I have to read, so many words I have to uncover. Words don't come to me like rushing water from a floodgate. Sometimes, they don't come to me at all! Still sometimes, when they do come, they come out half-baked, mediocre and false.

But despite my apparent lack in ability, I do know how to judge whether a paragraph is a work of art or not. I have read so many poems and stories and essays of great writers - formal or informal, long or short, meaningful or simple - I've read all these forms of all these literary genres. I can tell a real poem from what somebody thinks is a poem but what is actually just a mere gathering of difficult but meaningless words in a futile attempt at ostentation. I do not intend to sound mean or arrogant but these are the kind of people that need to be shaken badly and told that this is not something they can do.

This will sound really bad but I have to let it out.

I just can't stand it anymore! You declaring to the world that writing is what you do makes me sick with indignation. How can you say that when you can't even form a sensible paragraph properly? You claim to have an excellent command of the English language and yes you do! But that doesn't make you a good writer! You boast about using all these rhetorical devices, all these figures of speech when you don't even know what they are! You brag about reading these writers, admiring their books...but when asked what they mean, what they say about society...you make things up. You might have read them but YOU DON'T GET THEM.

You don't get anything. And I can tell you why.

Because you are the most self-absorbed person I have ever met. You are so stuck up in your own little world you fail to recognize that there are other people better than you. You think you're so perfect that you can't admit that there is something in this world that you can't do. You need to wake up. You're so fucking blind.

And for the record, NO , I don't think you're smart. You're just goddamned talkative.

my first elections

I already had some ideas what to expect but I should probably say that my voting was smooth and fun haha. I feel sorry for those who had to wait hours but I think it was their own fault. They could have come earlier. My mom and I went to our precincts at 7 am and by 7:30 or so, I was alreading sitting on an armed chair, ballot and marker on hand and sweating a bit. I thought I had already my candidates in mind but I ended up changing the lot of them. I voted for Gibo Teodoro because I think he has some really substantial platforms for the country and he's smart. Although his associations work against him like being the administration's candidate and being a Cojuanco, he by himself is a very able man and I think he'll make a good president. I also ended up voting for Fuentes. It was last minute because although Medina had considerably improved Isabel, a good leader never lashes out on anyone in public. I don't like how he makes his contempt for our family visible.

I had thought that Gibo would gain ground because most people I know said they would vote for him. But in the presidential race, he's placing 4th while Noynoy tops the bill. Seriously,people have to STOP judging abilities through associations. There were a lot of great fathers who had weak sons. Peter the Great of Russia for example was considered one of their greatest monarchs while his son Alexei was his absolute and complete opposite. We can never assess Noynoy to be as great as his parents unless of course if he proves himself. He is NOT assertive, he is NOT bright,evidently NOT smart and SIGNIFICANTLY INADEQUATE. But considering the person tailing close behind him, I would rather have this weak and lackluster of a leader than ERAP,proven to be a big-ass coward and liar. It seriously pains and infuriates me to know that a considerable amount of people want him back because HELLO, weren't they the ones who marched at EDSA and rallied for days for his resignation? And now that he had RUN AWAY and still have the nerve to actually want the presidency back, they let him? WHAT THE HELL FOR? So he could legalize jueting? Seriously!

The Philippines already looks dumbshit to other countries. And if ESTRADA wins, we'd look even more ridiculous. Just imagine: a country once united in a revolution to oust a president, now uniting to bring the same sonovabitch back. I don't know what these Filipinos are thinking. Maybe because Erap's platforms mostly benefit the poor and I commend him for that but what about those grounds for impeachment? Wasn't he a proven corrupt and dishonest.

Oh, Dear Lord. Only You know where this election will take us. If Noynoy wins, then we'll just have to take it as it comes and hope as hell he damn knows what he's talking about when he says he can take this country to the "right path".

This.Again.

I have never gone home like this. Feeling like wanting to cry every passing minute.

I woke up nice today. Although, I remember having the same nightmare from the night before. I was singing and laughing and having fun being lazy. I was looking forward to going home but I wasn't so thrilled in leaving either. I found out that either way, I'd be happy.

But I don't feel that way anymore. I'm finding out that it doesn't matter where I am or who I'm with, I'm always made to feel lonely and rejected. I just can't take it anymore. I don't know if it's me or them or life...I am just tired of everybody. I'm tired of crying because it just doesn't help me get over it. Talking to strangers didn't help much either. I'm just a trainwreck right now. And I don't know exactly how I got this way.

Maybe it started with them. I always hate it when I ask a decent question and they answer rudely or they don't answer at all. I always see that as an insult to my existence. And I've been insulted today twice, by my closest friends no less. It would have been okay if they went on joking hurtful stuff and pretending it doesn't hurt me somewhere but ignoring me on purpose is something I can never stand. It makes me feel like I'm alone. And to have friends and still feel alone is the worst feeling of all.

Sometimes, things like these make me wonder if I truly have friends at all.

Because when I cry, I can't think of anyone at all who I can run to. I feel like there's no one out there willing to listen to me.Everybody is just too selfish.

I also thought going home would make me feel better but it just made me feel worse. When I got here, I didn't even talk to my parents, didn't even look at them in the eye. I just went upstairs and cried my eyes out, pretending to be sleeping.

No, I don't want to blame this on anyone. But if I don't, I feel like I'm going to kill myself out of guilt and depression. I'm fucking suicidal right now, like the world is going to be a much better place without me in it. So yeah, I'm crying because of my insensitive friends who only think about themselves. I'm crying because I wasn't able to take a bath this morning because nobody told me the water tank had to be cleaned today. I'm crying because I know I blew my presentation if Greek mythology. I'm crying because I got stuck in traffic while trying to get to my ship. I'm crying because I felt like my bladder was going to break but I can't go to pee because the woman I'm sitting beside to has a sleeping kid in her arms and I didn't want to wake him up. I'm crying because I wanted to go home so badly but there were no more commutes and I had to pretend like somebody's going to pick me up. I'm crying because my ass hurts from sitting in a crammed up jeep while holding back that pain. And I'm crying because I know I'm hungry but I couldn't eat that barbeque my mom bought for me. I'm crying because I can't forgive myself and all these circumstances.

I feel so empty. So lost. So fucking broken.