Princess Hours

      

Oh my God! I am totally in love with this koreanovela. and it's not because it's aired in abs-sbn...which i totally don't like. *chuckles* my cousin, erika bought a dvd and we watched it for two straight days. it's funny coz we would sleep at 5 am watching it and wake up at 8 to watch it again. boy was it LONG! but it was worth it because every scene was just breathtaking. wow.

the story started with the korean emperor making a pact with his trusted friend. they agreed that the prince (his grandson) would marry his friend's only grand-daughter. several years later, the unsuspecting crowned prince Xin and the unsuspecting grand-daughter Caijing meet after she accidentally spilled murky water over his white shoes. he gets angry and well that was their first meeting haha. they meet again when caijing accidentally heard xin proposing to his ballerina girlfriend xaolin but xaolin rejects him because according to her, ballet was the only thing she wanted to pursue. caijing got caught and was apprehended by the prince, not knowing she was actually his soon-to-be-wife. well personally, i think it was kind of funny to hear your fiance proposing to another woman. lolz anyway...

so when xin got home, his father told him about the agreement between his grandpa and the friend and that he was to be married with the friend's grand-daughter. xin's dad gave him a picture and imagine his shock when he found out the caijing was to be his wife. well it didn't really take him long to concede. same case for caijing so they got married. and this was the start of their funny and a little-bit-dramatic married life.

im not going to give spoilers. you'll just have to watch it yourself. oh and watch out for the honeymoon...nyahaha...it's the funniest scene EVER!! haha well anyway, princess hours really made my bleak days beautiful and i am just SO in love right now. and XIN is the handsomest korean EVER!!! I love him to death! LV was pretty handsome himself...but I love XIN! Xin Go! oh and i also love caijing. she's so cute. nyahaha! well, have to end it here. hope u get to watch princess hours. it's really wonderful. xoxoxo ^_~

the worst xmas party ever

christmas break has begun. and by christmas break, i mean days with absolutely nothing to do. in simpler terms...boredom. well, i don't mean christmas is boring...it's just that people like me don't have anything to do and having something to do is our life. well, yesterday it was budin's birthday so i bolted from my house so i would not meet with her hyperkinetic classmates. oh and last saturday was our christmas party. frankly, i hated it. i didn't enjoy it as much as i thought i would and it's the worst christmas party ive ever been to.

no offense to those who coordinated (well i am one of them), i just didn't like how everything turned out. our party just reflected how we can't settle our differences to work on a common goal and it's just sad because we spent like five hours debating over which theme we should incorporate: punk or western. from the very beginning, when i heard that they wanted to have punk as a theme, i felt the urge to throw this tantrum and slash their heads one by one. i mean, PUNK is NOT a theme in the first place. it's a genre of music which goths, rockers listen to. well today, of course we call those who listen or love punk as punks but still it's something abstract. so jaye asked everyone what their interpretation of punk was. no one answered except ME. fuck. i just wanted to curse right then and there. jaye then interrupted that for her punk was baggy jeans, bling-blings and pimpy jewels. the shit. i love her and i respect her opinion but i just can't let her mix punk with hip-hop. so i complained that what she was describing was something entirely different but they said i had no right because it was her opinion. so if i think that jaye was the ugliest girl in the planet then no one has the right to resent me because im entitled to my own opinion. but i think that's wrong because it's not an opinion anymore, it's a lie. if i say jaye is ugly but she's really beautiful, it wouldn't be fair for her. fuck those people! i hope they bite their asses off in hell!

gahh! i don't wanna go on talking how on the day of chirstmas party, those lowlifes who bashed me because i opposed to having punk as a theme wore NOTHING CLOSE to punk!! i just hate them! fuck the shit of them! i hope they burn in hell! they just ruined what i perceived to be the best christmas party of my high-school! how dare them speak about something they don't really know about? how dare them use punk when they don't really know what it means? *tugs hair* god! i wanna pull out all of their hairs! they are pieces of shit!

stay

"you say i only hear what i want to, i don't listen hard, don't pay attention to the distance that you're running to anyone, anywhere, don't understand if you really care im only hearing negative"

god i hate myself. i don't understand why it is so hard to get over him! i mean i spent a goddamn year just to stop myself from thinking and i thought i was over him but yesterday, his frickin hair ruined it all. *sighs* oh my god, he lookes so handsome with his hair pushed back and all that. i just couldn't help blushing when he starts talking to me and the way he touched my hair this morning...oh my god. im afraid im starting to fall again. i don't want to. im enjoying my life without worrying about crushy things...im sick and tired of that. it's always this feeling and then i get hurt again. it's so unfair. why can't i ever move on? it's like he's cursed to be forever engraved in my mind. and im cursed to never exist in his. i thought i could act normal but i guess i get tired of lying, too.


and now i can't walk pass him without getting butterflies because of his scent. the way i blush around him is entirely different than i do with other guys. it's like my whole body is in heat and right then and there i wanna tell him how i feel. but that will never happen because i vowed to myself i would only keep my feeling to myself. it's over. done. i don't want him to stay in my life and it's just weird how at the same time, i find myself missing him if he's not.

this chirstmas, all i want is freedom. absolute, real freedom. no strings, no regrets, just pure freedom. i wanna live my life alone, go through high-school without having to worry about crazy things boyfriends and girlfriends worry about. i wish to never fall in love again....that way....things remain bland and random...which is exactly why i exist.

the truth about physics

im in the computer room right now because mr. quimilat asked us to do something well, particularly a research about monetary and fiscal policy but i've long finished so now i wanna write something about hmm...the biggest misconception in my life: PHYSICS.

if michelle had not commented on the post i wrote about her move in and there was something about physics there...i wouldn't have had the idea of writing about it. first of course when i still hadn't touched physics, i thought it was one boring subject, that it would constitute this very boring senior year. well, i had my own reasons of getting scared and those are because i've heard and witnessed the seniors before us get shouted at and reproached frequently by mr. q. and i didn't like the way the feeling it gave and led me to conclude that maybe physics is a scary subject and would probably prompt a lot of shouting fits. fits i do not and i hope will never substantiate themselves ever again. so during first day...i had no book but i did catch this glimpse on the others'. and believe me i didn't like what i read. with all those forces and motion and stuff..they all seemed pointless...and i didn't see any significance of learning them..

well that was before i met the real physics personally. i dunno but it just took me a couple of days to get hooked up. when i first read (in advance) about free fall and acceleration...just can't stop myself. it was all surreal but then i got to touch it and found it really addictive. so then on i started reading about force and friction and i borrowed physics books from the library. i enjoy the tests we had which i normally don't and i just enjoy the feeling of knowing that i understand what mr q is talking about. i loved the laws well especially the law of universal gravitation. i sort of developed a special fondness for it.

"Every object attracts another object with a force that is directly proportional to the product of their masses and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them"

well anyway, im striving hard to get high grades in physics. im not that good but at least i know within me that i love what i learn and im not after those certificates anyway. i don't think those pieces of paper really matter..

the break-up

Well last night, I submitted myself to another reverie and the fact that I will never have anyone who will treat me special in High-school. It didn’t work well with Ezra because I know if he did feel something special towards me, it was no more and no less than friendship. Truth to be told, I got tired of clinging on to the hope that he might see me as something more than a friend and fortunately, I got over him in no less than three months. I realized this during Intramurals when he was playing soccer like he always does. Usually, during the times when I still had “feelings” for him, I would feel prickly all over whenever I see him run. But when I watched him that day, there was nothing. No pricks, no tingles, not even a rush of blood. And I felt myself smile because I’ve been hurting for two years already and it felt awfully good to break free from that pain.

The reason why I got over him all of a sudden is still something I’m trying to figure out myself. I don’t think it was our distance or the fact that we currently belong to different classrooms. Nor am I thinking that it was because I realized, which in fact I had, that he was better off with someone else like Frances who obviously has everyone nodding. In terms of beauty, I admit I stand no chance because she’s really beautiful. But when you speak about talent, I think we stand on the same grounds. So if it wasn’t those, what did make me forget him? Or who?

The only person I could look up to see whenever I ask that question to myself is the same person who I promised never to get attracted to. I don’t want to write down his name because I don’t like how I feel about him. For my part, I think it’s unfair that I fell for someone who will probably hurt me as much as the previous person did. Well, not really personally because I don’t think the guy’s capable of doing any harm to any girl. Or at least, that’s what I think of him.

Hmm...and here’s one shocker. Marie and Philippe broke up. Worse is they decided to split on the day of their monthsary. Well, personally I respect their move because it’s hard to keep track of each other’s feelings when you’re a thousand miles apart. But, I also think it was kind of rash. I know I do not have any right to say anything about their relationship because I’m just a mere witness. But as a close friend of them both, I think they shouldn’t end up like this. For Marie’s part, I know how she feels because I’ve also been through the whole waiting part. And I understand why she would set herself free. the rest is not my business so im not talkin about it...

a heartbreaking day

when i came home, i thought i would be able to write something about what i thought was needed to be written. but the moment my ass touched the swivel chair, the need suddenly vanished and i found myself at a loss for words, which i only do when my inspiration drains. and i guess now it's gone again. and to think i spent almost three months of regaining it only to loose in one frickin day. one thing i hate about other people is they make fun out of other people's feelings. they think it's funny but they don't know how much it hurts.

first, i am not a last-resort crush. it's like when all else fails, they turn to me. second, can nobody like me, like me just the way i am? do i have to get myself anorexia just to have someone like me? for me, i don't think it's fair. Third, I am not a FLIRT. i don't flirt and i don't like people flirting around other people. it's gross and disgusting. 4th, i know im a maniac but im not a pervert and never in my life have i ever considered having sex anywhere with anyone. and i don't think i'll do that untill i find someone i think who deserves to see the real me and until i reach the right age to do that. i admit ive seen a couple of hentai movies but i don't engage in any of the activities i saw them doing. and i don't do Ms...okay? i just watch to learn so that when i go to college, those city freaks won't have any reason to mess with me.

4th...i wanna die. im loosing my purpose to live and it's not becuase i know that if i wait for love, it would be in vain, it's because that my life is turning to be the one thing i hate the most: routinary and stereotype. for once i wanna wake up one morning to a whole new door of possibilities. for once, i wanna wake up not knowing what will happen next. i want spontaneity but all i get is structure. my life's all fucked up. it's so random. well, so am i...

the flying kiss

we had our computer fixed today and im just so glad to have it back. truth to be told, im not really that psyched because im getting used with the laptop and i think it was more advantageous that the big one. nevertheless, im glad it got fixed already. problem is all my files got erased including everything i wrote. but it's okay...they're all saved in my head anyway.

today passed like any other. well, something special did happen. it was when mr. q blew me a very cute flying kiss. i just wanna jump outta happiness. first, i didn't think he was in a good mood that afternoon. second, he doesn't look approachable and third, i get really weak when im around him. surprisingly, i got in there, handed him the shirt and blurted, "sir, it's for you". my face was in heat, that i am sure of. but then he looked at me, gave this very invigorating smile and thanked me along with the cute flying kiss. *sighs* mr. q really is my favorite teacher. hmm...'till here...im not really in the writing mood right now but whatever. n_~

so many things, so little time

today, i had a lot of things to accomplish. Surprisingly, I had not done a single thing. The reasons may not be precise because if anything, it wouldn't be lack of inspiration because you can bet to the rocks that I am, if not flushed, overly-inspired.

the reason is that maybe i wanted to rest and not think of anything related to school, let alone actually do it. the idea of monday haunts me but at the same time thrills me. I miss my classmates, I miss being bored, I miss having the chills before Physics class. I miss school and yet I resent the idea of it. I know I sound crazy right now but it's the way I feel. Plus, I'm getting the hang of watching movies all day long. I watched three movies today. One aquamarine...well, I re-watched it because I think Jake McDorman is THE hottest lifeguard there. Two, my wife is a gangster. I didn't really want to watch it but Earl told me one time when we were eating in the mess hall that it was really good. Of course, I trust his judgement because we sort of have this same taste in movies...*winks* *winks* (hope u get the winking part...oh and the third one, Butterfly effect 2. the cover said it had bruce willis in it but i doubt it. i hadn't seen its prequel where it starred ashton kutcher. im not really fond of suspense films but ate len2 told me it was good so im giving it a try...

And oh it rained hard tonight. ah, how the rain smells good. it's actually a two-way ticket to a very good reverie and right now, I'm lost in my own thoughts again. I want to write when it rains because I feel like a true writer. I don't know why but the rain has this magic over me. It just gets me to my butt. I smile everytime the skies get dark. I know it's really weird of me since most people get annoyed if they don't see the sun. well, enough about the rain blabber. I must have wrote three entries about rain already. hehe..and still counting. well actually, if there is one thing that could inspire me the most, it would be the rain. never had i written anything fictional without the word "rain" in it. well, i gotta get to work..have to finish writing this stupid home reading report. if it wasn't for the crappy format, I would have been happy to write it anytime. since the format sucks, i am surprisingly suffering from the I-can't-write-a-single-letter syndrome. but i know myself. once i get to read sparknotes, the words will just come flowing down, like it always do. hmm...so till next time.

P.S. I saw Strike (my ex-crush) in mass today...he grew fatter but was still breathtakingly handsome. n_~

in love and in pain

im in love again. that much is sure. but there are a lot of things, unheard of, that I'm not sure with. the first question that im boggled with is WHY. of course it's never a wonder because it's always the first w-question asked in every situation...but this time, my kind of why is different. it's not a question of why im in love, why now or why him but rather a question of why all of a sudden. maybe because i brought it upon myself because I want to be around him as much as possible. i wanna hear him laugh, feel his hand on my shoulder and see him everywhere i look. it's ridiculous because never in a million years would i imagine myself slowly falling for someone like him. And I wanna call him "Sun" because he lights up everything he touches. but all of a sudden, in a range of just days, boom! i keep thinking about him, i wanna see him, hug him, strangle him...everything. and what's more abusrd is that I fell for someone who I know in a thousand millenia would never ever see me as someone more than a friend. And so did I. In the first place, he was just like a big brother to me and I love being around him because he makes me laugh and I get the chance to make others laugh too. What i didn't realize is that with every moment that we share something embarrassing, something dirty like we always do, those friendly feelings are slowly developing into something more intimate, something that I think is sandwiched between platonic and romantic love. Well, as a friend, I've always loved him like I loved my other friends and I get weirdly jealous if i see these girls flirting with him. but i ignored it because i also get jealous if i see my girl friends, especially the friendly ones like Panyang, talk as if sharing a secret to someone else. but now that jealousy i feel when i see him around other ladies is more painful and more painful because he's like this magnet who pulls every girl towards him. hmmn...well...not only is he a gentleman, he has one of the biggest hearts ever...(i can't believe im writing this)

another big problem is that one of my closest friends share the same feeling for him. and the jist? instead of getting in the way, i actually acted like this stupid bridge bringing them both together and at the same time getting closer to both of them. well, how will i explain this shithole im in? problem is i love them both, i love the girl and the guy and the girl deserves a move-on so im sort of setting them free. surprisingly, it didn't hurt as much as i thought it would. maybe because i like seeing my friends happy more than i like seeing myself happy. im not practicing martyrdom or anything but it's just a natural thing for me to hurt myself for the sake of the people i care for. and all i could do is write my pain because i couldn't show it to anyone. *sighs* but the big question there is, if i continue doing that, when will I be happy? i think i would be able to figure that out soon. and besides, i don't think "Sun" will light on my heart forever because i really don't think we have what it takes to be a couple. and even if we did, the odds will be huge and i believe we don't have the capacity to go against them. so as i write this entry, im breaking free from any romantic feelings that I have for him and i say "I love you goodbye"

the journey that was CMLI

it all started one early morning in the grounds of LLCI where everyone was asked to assemble. It was a dreary circumstance because I know that everybody crammed the night before. I was happy, feeling actually light, excited to be traveling again to Baguio, this time as a more matured student. Furthermore, I came with a really distinct casual fashion statement. I remembered the first time we went to manila and I wore this terrible lavender shirt, this HORRIBLE capri, a very HIDEOUS over-sized denim jacket and this murky-colored shoes which spelled "FASHION DISASTER" in total. But I won't let that happen again. Everybody came and we started our 3-hour trip to Tacloban. We started it with a rosary and ended it with loud snores and lively laughter.

The airport was the same as it had been when I first came there. Hordes of people (koreans especially) gathered round the counters, confirming their flights. And we also saw Jiggy Manicad there, one of the hosts of the GMA docu: The Reporter's Notebook. We wanted to take our pictures with him but we didn't want the rest of the people thinking we were paparazzi. So we sat down and waited for the flight. 6:50 came and we were flying to Manila. NAIA was a complete bleak, too many people for any elbow room. Ms. Sunit and Mrs. Colon were nagging at us to be hurry, not knowing it was already the fastest we could go given the demographic situation of the airport. Then we met with this woman and her daughter, which seemed to be friends with Mrs. Colon and Ms. Sunit. They were to take us to the bus port of Victory Liner. The girl, her name was Alyona (not sure) was Samatha's, Torn's, Cindy's ex-classmate but she didn't recognize them. Also, I think that girl was blushing around Earl. Haha, talk about magnetism...

So we went there around 9:45 and ate late breakfast. since that gano cereal effected on me a LOT, i didn't order anything and enjoyed myself talking and watching the rest of them eat. So we left at 10:30 and prepared ourselves for a five-hour trip to Baguio. But I was in a different situation: I was seated beside Mrs. Colon when I was supposed to be seated beside Earl. Not that I dreamed about it or anything, I mean, he IS my body after all. Yes, my BODY. SHIT. and I ended up having these little awkward moments with my Algebra teacher. But u know what, it wasn't so bad because I enjoyed talking with her. Her life when she was my age was beautiful and complicated. She shared to me her experience with her 13-year old (yes THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLD) boy friend which was really cute because their families were bestfriends close. Too bad that guy had himself conned and they were driven apart by a series of really complex circumstances. And now, they haven't seen each other for 22 years. I asked Ms. Suki if she wanted to see him after all these years and she hesitated then smiled. "I would like to see him and how his life had become" she said, as if she was talking to someone else. But even that, despite that story, I could see that she loved her husband very much considering the way she laughed and the way her face glowed when she told me how TitoRey would joke about the love life of their two sons. It actually inspired me a lot...hnmnn...

When we were done talking for like an hour, I hurried away and fell asleep becuase I didn't want the situation to get more awkward that it already was. Then, I woke up in a different temperature. My hands were freezing (I need someone else's hand) and my teeth were shaking. It was really cold. It was night and we arrived at Teacher's camp and had dinner in Jollibee. I didn't like it because the sight and the smell of the usualness of Jolibee made me kind of sick. We went for the grocery after that and went to sleep right after.

DAY 1: We spent the whole morning squiring Baguio. Enough said. In the afternoon, we had eliminations for the CFEs. I was really tired because right after I went for the Impromptu speaking contest which was improptu because we didn't know that such a contest would exist, I immediately headed for Radio Drama. It was actually embarrassing but I don't want to write about it. (ask me personally if u know me)

Day2: GOD! CDS! FRIENDS! SALVA! I love that gay! He's so gay! hahaha!

Day 3: I wonder why I don't want to talk about it. Well, I do wanna write about the wrestling I had with Earl and Shiela. Haha...it was COOL! I totally nailed that guy to his butt! Oh and a piece of secret: it was the first time I actually blushed around Earl. Hmmn...nothing suspicious though...I still think he and I do not have what it takes to be something as close to a couple. But I don't know...I kind of have these weird feelings when I get near him...like I get electrocuted or something. It's not how I feel when I'm around Ezra..not exactly...*sighs* but nah uh...I can't be attracted to earl..I mean he is EARL...hello EARL!!! he's like a big brother...*whacks head* I'm so STUPID.

Day 4: More tremors! God help me! And a twist: Shiela totally told me she also shares the same feelings for earl!!! Ha! I still blush when i think about it! Can't believe I'm in this insane circle of i don't know..puppylove. And with EARL at the center! I mean, hello,KYRA! are you okay? it's him...who knows every dirty secret you have...the first guy who you allowed to read your dirty fics! shit! this cannot be! No! But I have to let itgo....not gonna happen...it's too farfetch.

Day 5: Yay! We are leaving! And there was this storm! ha! so glad we got to escape from baguio before the signal went to three! And we got home safe. Thank you LORD! You totally rock! And oh and we formed this little JC-LEB. ahah...not going to elaborate..not official yet...but if there was anything fun about CMLI..it was the series of wrestles I had with earl and shiela, the funny and embarrassing talks in the mess hall with still earl and shiela and sneh and torn. and i think im beginning to fall in love with them both. WELL, I love Earl and Shiela. They're like my new best friends. And I also developed this bond with SNEH...haha I totally love that girl...she's so frank! Love her! and I think I am now more confident and ready to take on any challenge!

well, I guess CMLI does indeed change you one way or another. it has made me realized feelings I was afraid to acknowledge. it gave me the chance to get reconnected to the people I didn't knowi cared for deeply. and right now, can't wait for the echo conference!

nothing special...just something ordinary...

nothing special happened today...but i felt like i needed to write.

this day turned out better than i expected. the three meetings that i had to simultaneously attend got canceled and i was free to go home early. it was great because i finally had time to give my "drawing (more like imitating) ability" time. i was kind of glad at the outcome..*chuckles*

oh and one downside. we got reproached yet again by mr. q. *sighs* when will his menace end? not soon i think. but i apppreciate because it gets me to my butt. haha. and hmmm...i think im loosing the ability to concentrate. especialy in physics. i did learn and understand but when we do the test, i can't seem to answer anything. it's really weirding me off and the opposite thing is happening in math because i sort of had a surprisingly high grade at our wosa today yeah hug me. and yeah i almost forgot my team won the debate yesterday!!!

the proposition was to resolve that gross domestic product is a good indicator of economic growth and standard of living. antonieto and panyang came over last sunday so we could research and agree on our arguments. instead we end up eating pancit canton, drinking pomelo juice and nitpicking gma and abs-cbn. but of course, we already had our arguments before we goofed around. so we were ready and fortunately we won and were awarded as the "BEST DEBATING TEAM" I for one, and for myself won the "BEST SPEAKER" and "BEST CONSTRUCTIVE SPEECH" it was a pretty huge deal for me because i always loved debates. but my classmates didn't care. haha. as if i care if they did. nobody in class, except me that is, loves public speeches or debates so i understand their cold shoulders.

and speaking of ap...my grade went low to 88 which scrapes me from the achievers list. oh well...there were a lot of us so it was okay...oh and one more thing...IM AFRAID TO FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM. and im also afraid it's exactly what's happening...omigod...somebody slash my head off....i DON't WANT TO!!!

i have to erase him off my mind...question is how? how when we're going to be together for like...everyday? well, there's only one sentence fit to finish this prattles: I'VE MET MY DOOM.

when i get stuck in my own reverie...

well last night, i got myself soaked in the rain. just for a few seconds...

the feeling of wetness on my skin was beautiful and i wanted to just stay stuck in our patio,indulging my thoughts on the nothingness that hovered before me. the atmosphere was cold but i liked how my skin interacted with it. it's like the rain and i have this connection. the feeling's kind of mutual. im always in good mood when it rains and i don't mind if it disfigures a one-hour-done hair do. furthermore, rain has always a strange way of making me think and recall and remember. it's like a two-way ticket to a very significant reverie.

so i went in and got in bed, but i couldn't sleep. i turned the tv on and flicked through the channels. surprisingly, the shows weren't that bad but i found myself uninterested in the least. i resumed my curled position and my mind suddenly went blank. after a while, there was nothing i could think of and the next second, everything was coming back to me. i thought of everything.

first, i thought of myself and heard myself saying "go to the computer and write something" i was going to but lethargy (okay, okay...laziness)got the best of me so i stayed in that position. and then i began to think how capriciously ambitious i've become. my ambitions are sort of impossible and i don't like the way im turning out to be because of them.

second, i thought of my friends. hmmm.....just realized i wouldn't be me without them and i love them to my last breath. speaking of love, well i also thought about it. a) i confirm that im completely over ezra. i talked to him yesterday and had some interaction but i didn't even blush. he's just an ordinary guy to me now. b) i think im going crazy. why? because im crushin on someone im not supposed to be crushin. but im not gonna write his name here. im a really strange person and i think we have too much in common to ever have this mutual understanding. problem is, he's this very sweet guy and that's the first thing that i fall for. f**k! (yeah right, why don't i just write it, right?) im not in the mood for cussing...

third, CMLI. im kind of excited because i AM!! enough said, right?

4th: my mom...ala lng...naisip ko lang sha...hehe..

lastly: my hair. *sighs* had it rebonded a week ago but it seemed like it just got worse...fuck....now im in the mood..

'till here...oh...i haven't wrote anything for my birthday...how bleak of me...

the pain

today i really feel disgusted at myself...

i don't know but when i opened my friendster profile and saw that nobody cared, i sort of had a really weird repulsive feeling. plus im really stressed at my recent ACET which turned out to be just okay. hmmm....i think i can't rest...it's too heavy. i wanna write but i can't seem to. i open my unfinished 15th chapter, scroll to the last paragraph and find myself looking for something good to write. i get really upset and close the software even before i thought of doing so. last wednesday, when i joined the swimming singles "accidentally" and saw how sick worried ezra was when he saw that i was almost out breath, i felt sort of glad because i wanted that feeling of being cared for. and i thought my inspiration had come back. BIG MISTAKE. it was just a one hour fantasy that faded the instant i stepped on the unpolished upholstery of the van that would take me to ormoc. and i was a little happy because the fact that i was already over the funny feelings i used to have around ezra was finally gone. when i look at him, there's no spark anymore. like when i watched him play soccer the other day. before, i used to have this chills seeing him run like some famous runner and kick some grass that I figure raul gonzales (my fave and hottest soccer hunk capt. of real madrid) also did when he was young. but now, i just watch him like im watching keith gomez play. there was nothing there...and maybe...i already had something in place of him on my mind...

im not concentrating on anyone coz the same feelings i had for mark were long, long way gone. and i don't think they'll ever come back. what i don't like is how he treats me like i still like him...making all those kilig gestures...he just doesn't know they don't move me anymore. im kind of used making promises to myself that i break a little too often. sometimes, it hurts me but i love the things i learn from the pain. im tired of fronting and for once, i wanna tell "girly-girly" that sometimes, the things she tells me don't interest me one bit. for once i wanna tell my mom that i appreciate her and i love her and i wanna tell my sister how lucky i am for having her in my life. i wanna hug all my friends and kiss them and tell them how beautiful they have made my life. for once i wanna pull ezra and tell him how happy i am to be free from the feelings that i had for him all these years. i wanna tell mr. q how funny it is to be right and be wrong at the same time. i wanna tell mark that i don't like him that way i did anymore. i wanna tell myself to stop trying and accept that i can't please everybody. ive got to stop trying. because im so tired.

so why am i writing all this? as a matter of fact, i don't know. maybe it's the fact that sometimes, when you try very hard, you tend to step on other people. and that's a bad thing. i know i hurt a lot of people. and ive been hurt but a lot of people. it's this concept of mutualism. which i still don't get. hmmn...i guess i have to end it all here....until next time...

she's killing me

oh my god!!! im not usually a person who would hurt other people just to stand up for whar i believe because i think it wouldn't justify the pain but earlier in enlish class, i thought twice. my blood pressure could only rise as high but it couldn't rise any higher. argh!!! fuck her!! i couldn't fucking stand her anymore. it's like she's the most stupid incompetent wannabe teacher in this fuckin planet!! i am so tired of her slow fuckin baby-talk and her rewind-lessons that never move on! and she pretends she knows all these thing when it's so obvious that she fuckin doesn't. and then we talked about general and specific statements this afternoon which was a friggin peace of cake and she made it a ct. so one statement was "The Trojans shouldn't have let the enemies in" Who the devil would ever think that the fuckin statement is general? is she that retarded not to see that fucking TROJANS blaring at her!!! seriously, i would have stood up and shaved all her hair off right then and there. *sighs* it's killing me day after day. i mean english was supposed to be my favorite subject. but she's slaughtering it. now im afraid on the path of coming to resent it in the future. it's my only talent and she's taking it away from me. im not writing this because i think i know a lot better than her because as a matter of fact i do. nevertheless, i wrote this shit to let out how i feel because i don't want to be taught the wrong things because it's english and i want to learn it the right way. im really really disappointed in her. i want to move to college right away. and after saying it all, i still have on more sentence left to say: she sucks.

i am glad yesterday happened.everything turned out beautifully except in the morning where i crammed out all over the place. friday night was a bleak total disaster. my head was coming right off. im just glad mardi had the joke that totally blew me away. culminating program was just okay. it wasn't the best but i was glad everything turned out all right at the end. at first, i was really pissed off at earl because he kept changing his mind out being our piyaya guanio.but i was really glad there was someone else who took his place. hail to joaquin carlos b. sydiongco who lives to prove he is braver than any guy there is.everybody had a good laugh, we had too so hmm...okay.

next part where we had cat formation...my blood boiled to its limit. i was fuckin tired and michelle who so happened to be our co-commandant decided to perform her newly-found sanctions on us which i didn'think was bad but then i really lost my head. hmmn...i almost puked in front of mark because she made us carry those heavy truckload of rubbish. but i was happy because i was able to be with mark...problem is...carrying a huge can of garbage with your crush isn't exactly my own idea of romance. but *shrugs* maybe it's romantic because it isn't. well, anyhow...i went home with the urge to pull out michelle's curls because i was really angry..but when i talked to her later in the day...i guess i just misunderstood her...

yesterday afternoon was also our career guidance session where we had tita au.au (raffy's mom) as our speaker. she talked about the challenges and fascinations about medical school and how the philippines would have a shortage of doctors if students continue becoming nurses.good point there. well, the nice thing about it was i enjoyed it. well, next we had a ssg meeting with the pta officers. it was creepy but it turned out rather hhmmm...meaningful..

anyhow, im glad yesterday was over. but there was something more meaningful than those things. i got my inspiration back. thanks to mark...he looked really hot in that yellow-blue sweatshirt of his...hmm...that's nice...

what a day

today i have a lot of things to write.

first: i woke up this morning thinking the rest of the rest of the day might go bad. i was just thankful we had shortened schedule so that our 2 periods in physics would be cut off in two. then it would lessen the chances of mr. q. giving us another round of shouting fits which we noticed were getting frequent by the day. but actually, both periods turned out okay. we had an excursion which i enjoyed and we discussed it after, which i enjoyed as well. he was smiling and all of us were smiling. how i wished back then it would be just like that every day. that way, no one gets hurt or angry.

second: i was really pissed off when i heard there was gonna be an honors assembly because i thought and i thought i was sure i wasn't going to get any of those merit cards they were giving out this year. so i sat at the back with my friends, thinking how they would get a lot of those little cards while i will just be sitting, clapping for them. it doesn't really matter to me because i know im happy for them. but what happpened was the exact opposite. i know deep within myself that no matter how hard i try to deny that i don't want to be in the honor roll...it's just won't happen because a much bigger part of me will always wish for that privilege. so when i got called for the academic achievers, i felt i wanted to scream and thank God and go crazy. i never thought i'd get any because i failed in the science and math ao qt which was a big deal because they were major academic subjects. when i went back to my seat, i was thankful enough and didn't expect more but guess what? my name was called again for the honor list. i never thought i'd get in! and i ranked 9th which wasn't so bad considering the grades i had....i felt like i could cry out of ecstasy. and then when i saw hanie...i started feeling sad because she didn't get any. i don't wanna be happy while she pains inside. i know it must have hurt to have your name not called when you know you deserve to be in that list. if only i wasn't so afraid to tell her she didn't need those little cards to prove how intelligent she was. oh well. but generally, i couldn't really be any happier.

third: we had a really wonderful session in the ssg today.im not suppose to tell this but ill tell it anyway. but just the jist.well we had an open forum where we were allowed to say our resentments towards each other and let it out to that person. the president started and told us how he changed because of us. i wanted to object right then and there but i knew if i did, there'd be more misunderstanding. then mark amazed me with his bravery. it was the time where i could really say that he was a hundred and one percent man. a lot of people cried, i cried. hmmmn...i guess the ssg could make you do things you never thought you would do.

*sighs* well those three made my day expect the lame kalesa practice we had. ugh! our adviser is killing me! and i just wanted to snatch her white sandals and slash the heels off. they look very horrid with her yellow dress. well anyway, enough of that blabber. people have strong points and weak points. but sometimes, people have to learn to accept and respect the things that's not really their stuff. well, that's all i can write for now. 'till next time...toodles...

god i just wanna scream how i hate the world

yey! we won the impersonation contest! im so proud but i didn't like the fact the our own adviser wasn't even there to see us win. she hasn't really been much of an adviser...all she does is tell us to clean and clean and then asks us these weird random questions. well whatever. actually i like her when she's not teaching, when she's just being herself or singing with us while we wipe wax on the floors. that is the ms. loro i like because she acts like our age. however, i totally despise her when starts teaching. actually i don't blame her. i blame the fairy godmother or whoever assigned a new teacher to teach the seniors, especially that we're graduating.didn't it ever occured to these old people that we need someone already used with the curriculum to the handle the class? and what is with these stupid grading system? they say the changed it to give everyone a chance to become an honor student! fuck! what's happening right now is the opposite. all the honor student potentials all have flunking grades in quarterly test~ YES the fucking QUARTERLY TESTS. and what's more shit is that they're holding this stupid honors assembly where they give out fuckin certificates. im not insecured because i know im not going to receive one...my issue is WHY NOW? WHY US? we've been through hell with MR. quinones already and now mr. pacayra won't even talk to us. ms. loro's class sucks all my love i have for english and other teachers are just ghh! i don't know! im starting to hate school which is pretty extreme for me because i love school. and i love my teachers and my classmates. but right now, it's just hate. i hate em all. i hate the teachers who hate us and i hate going to school. oh and i won't 4get to say how hurt i was when mr. q who i though was my favorite teacher called the whole class DUMB FOUR times. i felt like i just wanted to stand up and say everything was his fault because he expected more than what we could give. we are not einteins who could get why we need to have this force to act on this body in a fraction of a second. and we are not a heap of stupid children who need shouts to understand. if he just delivered the lesson calmly and not shout then maybe we could understand. and now he has guts to wonder why students are fuckin afraid of him.

he said hate is such a strong word yet he stirs it up in every inch of us. he should learn that even young people could carry emotions that only the devil could feel. he's showing us hell and he's teaching me to hate him. i don't want to because i still think we have a connection beyond a student-teacher relationship. if i met him in a different circumstance, im sure he'd have been my best friend. i don't wanna hate anyone but the real world requires that. a lot of people say love makes the world go round. i guess love got sick and asked hate to do the job.

ah shit

my life is beginning to get fucked up like hell. for one second i thought i could do these things and the next im stumbling out of control. im missing out a lot and i just had a failing mark in math which was surprise for me because i thought i understood what mr. pacayra was saying and when i solved the items, they seemed pretty solvable....i mean i can't even talk without people reprimanding me to shut up and the teachers suddenly have all these stupid shouting fits that they throw without a real reason. i mean students do not learn that way...the more they shout at us, the more stupid we become....i never wished nor hoped i would ever come near a point where i would hate school...because normallly...i do not spend a lot of time hating because i believe life is too fuckin short for that. we do not live by cursing but yes i fucking use all these fuckin profanities because its the only outlet i see...everything is starting to drain away...my inspiration is gone...i can't even write shit...im loosing everything that i have and people don't even see that. i try so fuckin hard to be someone that everyone will appreciate but now i realize that will be a waste of my time because people will always notice mistakes. im tired and im sick. and people don't even care. they tell me to be myself and when i do they tell me to change. the devil! and to think they tell you not to hate. because hate is such a strong word because hate is the devil...well i HATE the world...i hate the PEOPLE in it and I HATE myself....i used to be someone optimistic but i don;t think the world works that way...people die other people live...everything's just unfair...u can;t expect to be resilient anymore..people don't have that fuckin oppurtunity anymore...we gonna grab everything that's pushed up in our face....

shoppin (again)

i love it when my mom gets her salary and we [her me and my sister] get to shop around the city. and i get to buy new clothes haha...it was wonderful because i got a new shirt and a new rusty skirt. but what was even cooler was when we went to this italian restaurant called Leni's Garden. oh but wasn't it the most beautiful and peaceful restaurant ive ever seen. everywhere u turn there was always green...there was this beautiful bridge and a beautiful pond and two noisy but adorable myna birds. they were really noisy but u would love it. they were all 'good morning', 'hello', then when u try to talk back, one would squeal 'quiet' while the other would quack like it was some kind of an insane goose. we tried to teach them to say 'bulhoot' but all that they would say are 'hello' or 'quiett!!!!' they were tons of fun. then we ordered the restaurant's specialty which were this really orange and VERY delicious spare ribs...and then i had a mango shake and an orange creme brule and some choco-topped waffles and some bananana and mango crepe. they were all delicious, esp. the spare ribs. it was pork with this beautiful cauli flower side dish...uh...i could still taste it in my mouth...the waffles were kind of hard..but good and the crepe was a little creepy but i liked it...haha...soryy my writing is kind of lame...im lacking inspirationg from all the abhors of patinikan. but it was all worth it..the tears...the sweat...the risk of causing my throat a cancer...it was all good.

leadership training seminar

we had our annual leadership training seminar today and it was loads of fun. id be lying if i say i like it better than last year because the truth is, i liked it better last year. but i liked the participants this year the most because they were all cool except for a couple of shelled freshmen and sophomore. i admit that when i first heard that kuya marty and co. aren't our facilitators, i was a bit isappointed but when i met sir cip and mrs. p, they were also as cool.

the first thing they made us do was kind of the usual stuff, the ones the facis made us do for four years. and that is to write our expectations, from the seminar, the facis and our co-participants. i didn't quite enjoy it even if i was the reporter. after that, sir cip made us draw a symbol that would represent ourself and i drew a
pen and a crumpled paper for mine. then they made us share it with our group members. i also didn't enjoy that activity. after the reccess came the fun! we were all blindfolded and they made us walk all around the soccer and soccerbaseball field like freaks. it was quite of exhilarating but we all had fun. it was a once-in-a-lifetime experience for me. i know it sounds cheesy but it's true. after that we had lunch break.i was kind of tired during lunchbreak. but i had to keep my lethargy to myself because i had isymae come over so she could fit the gown she would wear tomorrow for the bb.agham pictorial. and we would also be making her costume since i had this really formidble stupid dream about aunt vanessa totally dishing me
out because i attempted to borrow her wedding dress. but enough about that...she really looked very elegant in the golden prom gown of panyang. and it complimented her beauty a lot.

so we went back to school and we were sort of late for the reactions and sharing of the things u learned on the previous activity. i thought the afternoon wasn't going to be a lot of fun but what happened was the exact opposite. our first activity was trying to maintain this little peace of cotton from touchin the ground and we
sort of like have to blow it up. and we were all like "hoooooooo" francis even tried to kick it up and ended up kicking someone else's face instead! twas so hilarious! after three rounds, our group emerged VICTORIOUS! huh! in their faces!

after that, kuya cip gave us instructions about our last activity. i was disappointed because hello..."ONLY two activities for one whole frickin afternoon?" and the instructions were kind of complicated and i really didn't get the jist. so after that, mr. cip gave us 15 minutes to plan and we talked about how we were going to accomplish the tasks. the first task was all of us to get through an "electric square" and if a part of you touched it, the group has to do it over again. the second task was to get inside the building through stepping on folders and if u fell or ur foot touched the ground, which is "toxic" someone has to carry you and we don't want that to happen. the third and final task is to build a tower building of glasses with 17 plastic cups on the bottom without TALKING. we all assumed the electric square sir was refering to was the oval stage so we never got to plan on how to accomplish that one. we all focused on how to accomplish the second one.

after the planning, we went inside to start our first missions and found out what stupid maniacs we all have been. the electric square wasn't the oval stage, it was a small square made of rope. we all kind of panicked because we had doubts if mardi, who is kind of big, would fit in. but still we tried. but then we failed because someone always touched the "electric" side. it was kind of drizzling so sir cip said we could proceed to the next task without completing the frst one. the second task, which we thought was the most difficult among the three turned out to be the easiest! i was so bummed because we focused all our 15 minutes on that one. so when we finished our second task we proceeded to the third. it wasn't really hard. well for me, who wasn't involved in the contstruction wasn't but i think it was for those whobuilt it. they almost finish and the building falls, then it happens over and over again.

but we also had fun, those we weren't building. we were having fun making hooting noises since we couldn't talk we sort of built this bonding between us and the juniors. i liked the seminar a lot because i had fun and learned at the same time. the things i learned, i already learned but i guess a new perspective will dome good sometimes. hmm...i'll surely keep my last LTS a memory that would serve a lifetime!

girl

well ms.loro made us read a really short story in english sub today and it was entitled "GIRL" by Jamaica Kincaid. hmmm....if u have read it or heard about and didn't like it because u failed to see what it means to convey...damn the shit outta you! and if u disapprove of the message it conveys, u can go fuck the devil in hell. not disrespectin ur opinion, it's just that if u agree that women should do everything that frickin mother tells her daughter to do...then what kind of a stereotype retard are u? STEREOTYPES ARE BULLSHIT. they shouldn't exist and people shouldn't follow them. well if u follow them, ur a shitshagger and i hate shitshaggers. so i hate you.

first about the different smiles. couldn't a girl have one frickin smile for everybody? couldn't she smile the same way to a boy she doesn't like very much to a boy she doesn't like at all? and what is WITH all THE FUCKIN PUDDING? Not everyone is a gifted cook. and i don't get about why a girl shouldn't pick other people's flowers either. and why she has to run away after she just spat in the air. and how dare that mother call her daughter a SLUT? she is the SLUT! boy if my mother forced me to do any of those things that mother told her daughter to do, ill sue her and make her disown me. but my mother never was stereotype. she supports my gothic side. but whatever...back to that stupid mother...

she also tells her daughter never to talk in a sunday? what is with that? why isn't she allowed so? is it because it's sabbath? guh! i could slap the bible in that mother's face so she would know that even Jesus talked on sabbath! boy, that mother is one hell of pharisee personified!

and what is with this women-are-meant-to-be-housemakers shit? women are MORE CAPABLE than those stupid men who couldn't care less about the world because of their dicks! they cook, they sew, they build, they love, they fight, they tow cars, they drive men crazy, they can do anything and these insane social retards dare say that all these things are going to end up in a four-walled prison? a thousand hands down for that!women are meant to work! they are NOT just home makers! OKAY? it's their choice! more shit........

STEREOTYPES ARE BULLSHIT. they shouldn't exist. and if in society, those stereotypes are rules, then i'll turn myself into a radical. im not saying it's bad to teach your daughter how to smile,walk, talk or spit...because it frickin all boils down to manners. but manners don't involve slavery. manners take form in different ways...and being stereotype doesn't necessarily mean you're well-mannered. u could be as shit as any goths in this world. and goths are cool. not because they break rules and stereotypes, but because they're brave enough to stand by who they really are. that's what i wanna be. and hopefully, that's who i am right now. GOTH. PUNK. PROVOCATIVE. so what?


Girl
Jamaica Kincaid

Wash the white clothes on Monday and put them on the stone heap; wash the color clothes on Tuesday and put them on the clothesline to dry; don't walk barehead in the hot sun; cook pumpkin fritters in very hot sweet oil; soak your little cloths right after you take them off; when buying cotton to make yourself a nice blouse, be sure that it doesn't have gum on it, because that way it won't hold up well after a wash; soak salt fish overnight before you cook it; is it true that you sing benna in Sunday school?; always eat your food in such a way that it won't turn someone else's stomach; on Sundays try to walk like a lady and not like the slut you are so bent on becoming; don't sing benna in Sunday school; you mustn't speak to wharbfflies will follow you; but I don't sing benna on Sundays at all and never in Sunday school; this is how to sew on a button; this is how to make a button-hole for the button you have just sewed on; this is how to hem a dress when you see the hem coming down and so to prevent yourself from looking like the slut I know you are so bent on becoming; this is how you iron your father's khaki shirt so that it doesn't have a crease; this is how you iron your father's khaki pants so that they don't have a crease; this is how you grow okrbafar from the house, because okra tree harbors red ants; when you are growing dasheen, make sure it gets plenty of water or else it makes your throat itch when you are eating it; this is how you sweep a corner; this is how you sweep a whole house; this is how you sweep a yard; this is how you smile to someone you don't like too much; this is how you smile to someone you don't like at all; this is how you smile to someone you like completely; this is how you set a table for tea; this is how you set a table for dinner; this is how you set a table for dinner with an important guest; this is how you set a table for lunch; this is how you set a table for breakfast; this is how to behave in the presence of men who don't know you very well, and this way they won't recognize immediately the slut I have warned you against becoming; be sure to wash every day, even if it is with your own spit; don't squat down to play marblebsyou are not a boy, you know; don't pick people's flowerbsyou might catch something; don't throw stones at blackbirds, because it might not be a blackbird at all; this is how to make a bread pudding; this is how to make doukona; this is how to make pepper pot; this is how to make a good medicine for a cold; this is how to make a good medicine to throw away a child before it even becomes a child; this is how to catch a fish; this is how to throw back a fish you don't like, and that way something bad won't fall on you; this is how to bully a man; this is how a man bullies you; this is how to love a man; and if this doesn't work there are other ways, and if they don't work don't feel too bad about giving up; this is how to spit up in the air if you feel like it, and this is how to move quick so that it doesn't fall on you; this is how to make ends meet; always squeeze bread to make sure it's fresh; but what if the baker won't let me feel the bread?; you mean to say that after all you are really going to be the kind of woman who the baker won't let near the bread?


*raises eyebrows* if u didn't like it, u can bite ur ass in hell.

i am in LOVE!!!

This day is like one of the best days ever! I mean we went to Sabin resort hotel for uncle luis' welcome party and he like rented two executive rooms for us! It was really cool after he just gave us a pretty big feast the other night. Well speaking of Friday, which was the 13th bday of my cuzin Erika, I won the friggin' SSG election via long constantly interrupted speech which got everyone standin up and sayin, 'I wanna be a leader' the shit. Haha. I loved the site of those kids just standin and believing what I said. The feeling was so nice and cool. Well so last night, me and my cousins were makin noise along the corridors and we were very boisterous. I'll admit the shit out of that. So this guy opened the door of his room and was like, "is something wrong?" I was starstudded because he was really CUTE and had this mystifying accent. I loved the sound of his voice. So I asked my cousin to make noise again so he would come out and he did and I was blushin when he went,
"what's wrong now?" so I apologized and he said he thought someone was scared. GOD!! He's so fuckin handsome!!!

So then the next day, I mean morning, after half of my cousins went home because of this Baptist blessing activity their having over school, we decided to take another swim. So we did and we had LOADS of fun playing tag with uncle luis and his driver, tito jay and mardi and aunt vawnette and we were shoutin and swimming and eating (which actually was prohibited) and jumpin. U know, even if uncle luis is just they
typical overweight American guy, I think he's the coolest foreigner I know! Not because he treated us or gave us this really big room to sleep in but because he accepted us which I know most Americans fail to do with their fiance's family.

So after an hour, we got to rest and swim a little individually and Erika noticed that the LA guy (I called him that because uncle luis talked to his parents and they told him they were from LA) was comin over to swim. So that was the chance and I wasn't going to let it slip thru my fingers...so when ate juliebethe just sort of flushed her guts out and told the guy that i wanted to know his name, i rode on and asked him what his name was. and he gave me this cute smile and said i could call him joe. so i did and i asked him how old he was and he said 14 and i was like 14? REALLY? i mean u look older. he gave a chuckle and said i was the first girl to ever tell him he looked older. we both laughed and out of embarrassment, i swam away. so then i got to the other side and got to talk to my future in laws...i mean...his parents and they were really cool. we talked about us and what school we go to, how to get to these places and then out of a sudden, mom...i mean his mother called kate, his sister and introduced her to us. so i talked to her and she was a really sweet girl who's graduating from 6th grade this year...lovely...so HE came over and that was the start of the MOST WONDERFUL conversation i had in my life!

frst we talked about his school and how he hated it and i told him i felt the same and the only thing that made it interesting were the cute guys. he laughed. i laughed. his mother laughed. so did his sister. then from that forwards, he just started talking non-stop about how i was going to survive if i went in LA. frst he
told me never to park my car or else there wouldn't be any car anymore except its skeletons because LA gangers would strip the skin off and shoot you. then he told me LA gangsters shoot downwards and he demonstrated it and i was kind of shocked. then his father told him to slow down and lessen the volume of his voice and i laughed and he ignored his dad and talked some more. then he told me about america's rampant 'suing business'. he narrated how this guy stole his friends car, crashed it and injured himself. then he had these guts to sue his friend! and the judge was like, "do u have any idea how retarded u sound right now?" and the guy went, "no!" and the judge said, "well i do! case closed!" then he told me other couple of cases where people sue other people for senseless reasons and told me that even kids sue their parents. and he also said people in america sue dead people! lyk this stupid retard who sued marcos because he stole a golden buddha or abraham lincoln because of some slavery stuff. then i asked him if he would ever sue his parents and he said no because he loved them both very much.

and inside me i was like, "marry me!'" OMG he is such a family man! then out of the blue he just said hated michael jackson, i told him i did too and he said that the michael jackson we know is not the real one and the real one is in mars, cleaning the dirty asses of martians...and we both laughed and his father said no cuss in front of women. i said it was okay becaused i do cusses myself...then we laughed again...and again and talked some more until it was the time for us to go home. i smiled and i told him i had a VERY WONDERFUL time talking to him and i said that if i ever went to LA would he be willing to hang out with me and he said it would be his pleasure. and i blushed and he blushed and extended his hand and i took it and i said goodbye.

because of too much ecstasy, i forgot to get his number or his e-mail address and right now, im googling him and kate. haha. oh well...this must be LOVE...mwaahhhaha!!!

mr q. haha

Today turned out to be rather horrible. when i first set foot on the campus grounds, i had this weird unpleasant feeling that i have forgotten something. i checked my things but there seem to be nothing missing or left behind at all. so i just let those feelings go. it might have been some nerve jitters from my lack of sleep because i was making application letters whole night last night. so when i went home for lunch, is familiarized these greek gods and was able to memorize all the olympians and some freakin titans. but then there was that feeling again that i really had forgotten something or so something like that. i was sitting on our car when suddenly physics came to my mind. i thought maybe i forgot to bring something with regards to the subject. i checked my bag and found out that nada was really missin because all i needed for the subject were my notebook and my calculator. so again, i disregarded the same feelin. so physics class began and again the feeling came making me utterly uncomfortable. when i learned there was a test, i calmed down a little because then mr. q won't be talking, making less the chances that he would shout at us. you see, when he came in he sort of had this upset look that contributed to our disappointment and to mine all the more. we took the test for an hour and i was confident i'd get a well-rounded score because i knew how it worked.

i finished ahead of the rest and i was waiting and there was the feeling again but i igored it because it couldn't have been me failing because i was sure i'd get at least a passing grade. after a couple of minutes or so, everyone was done and the feeling was going away bit by bit because we weren't discussing a new lesson but our answers. little did i know that the discussion of answers will be a WHOLE LOT WORSE. well at one occasion or another, the feeling surfaced again but this time, only stronger and t'was beginning to be overwhelming. the urge to raise my hand to volunteer for a number I know how to solve but i lost my guts right then and there. the feeling was getting stronger and stronger every easy number solved. so when the hard ones came i was suddenly sure that i was going to be called to solve for one.

funny how i WAS called! although i didn't like the number i solved because i wasn't really sure of my answer, i was thankful i didn't get the one danielle did because it was very very complicated. so we were solving, both of us in the board and i started to tremble like crazy. but what came next was unimaginably terrifying.

when mr. q saw that both our correction factors were wrong because it wasn't '"squared", he suddenly erupted in this dumbfounding shouting fits that took all our breaths away. But imagine what the two of us must have felt! i tell u, it was the horrible thing...well at first when i was called, i seemed to loose my guts, this time i felt like every inch of my insides never existed at all. it was like they were disappearing one by one with every letter he yelled like we were some kind of deaf stupid people. and to think he had this throat injury or something! im not angry or anything because i understood what he must have felt. i guess throwing tantrums in class are normal stuff teachers do to show their frustration because no matter how hard they think they tried, 80% of the students still wouldn't get the g's of their lessons. but the issue is this: there was never a need to shout because as a student, we don't learn that way. when we are intimidated by a teacher, we loose the heart to ever learn anything that teacher has to say.

mr. q has always been one of my favorite teachers since i was still a freshman because i think he embodies the true essence of teachers who make outstanding students. i respect him and i am honored to be one of his students. but the downside to those good things are the shouting fits. when i learned how to solve my problem, i solved it directly but because he shouted at me, i forgot everything that i was to write so i panicked again. it isn't really a problem if he gets angry and stuff like that but i don't think he needed to shout for us to understand the lesson. he's my perfect role-model but what he showed to me in class today sort of disappointed me and proved that there will never be a "perfect" role-model.

but anyway, even though he showed a rather preposterous behavior today, i still love him as my teacher because i know in a thousand years, llci will never have someone as headstrong, as funny and as temperamental as the moody but quirky mr. q. he still rocks!

the dream

ive been having these really weird dreams about my classmates lately and i sort of noticed that wherever those dreams take me, there is always the notable presence of one person: ezra. i don't know why he's always in my dreams but i don't really care. he's not my business any longer.

well, here goes my first dream. my classmates and i were on a very huge tree house which has this very green stuff beneath it. we were all talkin above there. btw, im referring to my three-gawa classmates. not that it matters. so we were talking when raffy and ezra came with these shouting fits telling us that there was this big river and that we all have to see it. in turn, we were all shocked so we all hurried to get to this river...those who were really really desperate took pedi-cabs. and well, one of them was my clique. well, all of them rode of course, except me. they were all moving forwards while i was shouting trying to stop them but they wouldn't listen. so i stopped running and went back to my house. i cried and cried and cried again. then, i turned my pc on and started, can u believe it, writing my blog! so weird, right? well then after i posted what i wrote, someone knocked and i saw it was panyang. she was saying sorry but i was too angry to forgive her so i pushed her away and she left me with this really bad feud. hmm...when i woke up, my pillows were soakin wet and i was VERY thankful that all of it was unreal...

my next dream was the most beautiful and meaningLESS and utterly painfully IMPOSSIBLE dream ive ever had. well it featured yet again ezra and my classmates. well we were walking to dolly's house for a reason i have yet to figure out..i was walking with ezra and the rest of the group was ahead of us. we were kind of talkin about the class we had that same day. we were kind of happy and we were laughing like we used to before our little misunderstanding. so we were talking when he just, out-of-a-sudden took my hand. and i looked at him and he looked at me and we were staring at each other. then suddenly, he had this serious look on and he was crying and i was kind of shocked. then i asked him if he was feeling okay, then he grabbed my shoulders and told me the most wonderful hackneyed sentence that every girl dreams of hearing..take note..he said it in vernacular.then i cried and he cried then i asked when. but suddenly, he ran and our classmates started chasing him and they chased him all over town until they got him to face me. we continued to talk and we were really serious then he invited me to dinner at their house and i said okay. his whole family was there and he offered to cook, we ate then i washed the dishes. then he asked if i could sleep with him just that night. of course not the sleep-sex part..u know..the sleeping that involves breathing and closing of eyes. i thought it was sweet and i said yes and i woke up.

well my pillow that morning was double-wet coz i was really hurt. well the pain was overwhelming and i cried until i took a bath then i cried inside when i saw him at school. well i was really hurt because i know that it will never happen and it was the biggest lie of all. but anyway, im over it now because i realized last night i shouldn't waste my nights dreaming about a stupid boy telling me stupid lies about some stupid unreal feelings. my dreams are bogus and i never wanna dream about anything like that again.

my third dream was about a fiesta..im not sure where and what..but we were all fresh from eating and we were visiting this really cool bazarre...u know..shopping for bracelet stuffs and burloloys and those kind of things. but this time. i think i might have been awake in that dream because when i saw him, i walked away. it was really weird how i avoided his path but anyway, i was glad.

well so mcuh for my stupid insignificant dreams which would remain as dreams for the rest of my history. i won't be getting any feud, confessions or proposals from any member of my class in any day of my lifetime. i swear to GOD that.

first day blues

it's not really blues since first day of school turned out quite all right. we had the orientation like we always do every year and then we proceeded to our respective classrooms which sucked because ours was isolated from the rest of the high-school departments. the distance really didn't matter to me, it's just that i think it makes us all outdated from the rest...we were also very excited coz we get to have 3 new teachers, two of which were alumni. they were really cool. our new adviser goes by the name of ms. loro..she quite a plain jane to me, i mean fashion-wise but i think she can handle the job. but of course, id still prefer ms. diaz's stoney cold antics. we also get to keep mr. pacayra who now grew long hair and mr. lacuna and mrs. colon and ms. cabrera. the teachers also said that mr. josol would be coming over to teach us ap this week...but i dnt if it's just a rumor or not...

then at recess, all we talked about was nothing but our good ol' friend stipay. and how we missed her and wished she was still here goofin' around like she always does and making all of us smile. i mean it was crazy but we pretended that she was just late or absent like jarvin or she was just sick...maybe she really meant that much too us because she was just stipay and we couldn't get over the fact that she left us hangin' in the gloriest year of high-school. but anyway, i hope she'll do good in tarlac and make us all proud!

anyway, the 'gap' of course between the two classes clashed in this suckfest was seen quite clearly in the seating arrangment. all of us who were gawa last year sat on the left side while those who weren't sat on the right. well some of those who were kind of let's just say depressed sat with the tiwala studs. well one of them was carl. i mean when carl came he was smiling and waving and all but when we got to the classroom, he looked sort of melancholic. we tried to cheer him up of course and he was laughin when we were teasing panyang because gian came to school and surprised as all. well, i know, even without him telling me the reason why he looked so sad. it was because francis and raymund who were his best friends were on the other section and stipay moved out to tarlac. and he even told our new ap teacher that! i just felt so sad all of a sudden, for him because i know even if i tried, i couldn't make him happy...

and then there was mr. q who announced his lingering vocal disease which consequently spurned his future attempts to throw shouting fits on the class. i also noticed that the teachers are now more provocative and uptight. it's so annoying. and then we learned we had to still take this stupid cat course which i don't like because i can't even push-up like more than once. but whatever...so then dismissal came and we cleaned our very dusty how-could-you-possibly-take-all-this-heat hot classroom and had a chat with ms. loro. she told us about this greek play requirement. i was actually happy about that because i love plays but what i didn't appreciate were the familiar stares i garnered from my classmates which might have meant "you do the script". (whacks head) oh my, here we go again! but whatever!

and then our old classmates came and raymund came in with pocky sticks that i went really crazy for...in case u people didn't know, that choc stick was kind of sentimental because of the onegai teacher anime...well i don't wanna guess why he brought those to school and showed it to me...but if i was to take a guess, i'd put my money on the notion that he was missing someone who shared his desire for that anime...well...but i don't really know. so that was everything that happened earlier.
it wasn't really good, but it wasn't completely bad either. i didn't really enjoy myself but im okay. all im hoping is that i could survive senior year with flags...peace out ya people!

mishy's move in!

well, today mishy arrived from tacloban and we spent the whole day together, like what we'll be doing for the next ten months or so. we watched white chicks and then da vinci code, we also talked a lot about the dramas in her family. seriously, that girl's such a talker and when she opens her mouth, you'll just have to listen. she's pretty cool too with what she did with the room, 'twas pretty awesome. anyway, so tuesday will be the start of classes. usually, i get this jitters because i get really excited but now, i feel really bored and i don't feel like going there any more. maybe it's because they've changed the sectioning, or maybe it's because i lost my few friends over to the other section or maybe because steffi isn't here anymore. whatever it is, i don't really feel like it! i feel so heavy whenever i think about it and the teachers, ugh! i also took time to read my calculus book and i swear to god i'll indulge myself a thousand times if ever i pass math. i really hate geometry. i love algebra but algerbra was in third year...this year we're having like trigo and analytic calculus! not only that, we'll be taking PHYSICS!!! THe ONE thing i hate even more than the petulance of my crazy sister! and to think mr q is our teacher. it's really intimidating because when you're his student, you feel obliged to know and understand immediately what he's teaching. he's not at all bad. as a matter of fact, he's like one of my real favorite teachers, aside from Ms. Diaz who sadly said goodbye and Mr. Pacayra whose departure was still unsure and mr. josol who's also leavin. GOD!! why is everyone leavin? and in the gloriest year of high-school! the shit!!! ghass...i hate myself...i hate school...i hate math and physics and PE especially!!! well, *sighs* im like two days away from school so better get ready...i'll be postin on the first day...'till then!

gahs!! cebu!!

i was just in cebu this morning and yesterday was like one of the best days of my social life! i mean my mom was so cool cause we went shopping for one whole day! and i got a lot of new stuff...we also got to watch the da vinci code but had to consequently lie about our age but whatever. i think the movie was just okay compared to the book..i didn't get that much excitement...but anyway, i still enjoyed it. so then after we shopped, we went to the pirated dvd area and like bought four of them! and i got to bu just my luck!!!! OMG!! i was so psyched that all i could think was go home and watch it! i also bought just friends dvd and FMA eps. 20-35...well i told my sister to buy RK seisouhen arc instead but she kept on grumbling so i just gave her the shit. we stayed in mercedez hotel. AGAIN. well, i hate that hotel...especially the cr..i mean everything was dusty, malfunctional and well, it's not the type of stuff u get to see in 'hotels'. but i had no say in the matter because its become our family tradition to stay in mercedez whenever we go in cebu. im just glad we only stayed for one day. otherwise, i would have died from severe nostalgia.

that day, my acrophobia just went stepped to a higher level...i mean i couldn't stomach looking at the escalators for five minutes..those stuff are the only things i hate about shopping. i really really hate escalators and i still get nauseous even when i take the stairs. i almost cried at metro gaisano yesterday because i really really couldn't stomach stepping into the moving steps...so then i forced my sister to take the stairs and we did but i was still dizzy. i totally hate my condition but i think it's a sort of pay off for the new things i got. hmm...

well, JUST my luck is now my favorite movie! oh and i also bough lindsay lohan's new album, a little more personal ( so cool!!) but i also had to consequently had to barter my green penshoppe shirt for it because my mom wouldn't agree to buy it without the stinkin' permission of my sister. well, im sure u get the idea. well am i not totally a frickin' lindsay lohan fanatic?! well i guess i am...that's why i hate hilary duff but after i saw cadet kelly, hmm...let's just say i don't hate her that much anymore...

yesterday and today is like the best days of summer! well, too bad it had to end and i have to face the real world which is school. somehow, i lost the will and the heart but i don't know..maybe the idea of actually being a senior gets u going somehow. well, that's about it. 'till next time, byotch! n_~

to chloe

well today i proved that first impressions never last. well, my friends and a lot of people know im not a hilary duff fan because of her feud with lindsay. but other than that and her singing which I think is so bubblegum (which I hate), I sort of like her because i think she's got this quirky characteristic. well whatever. so i was really bored last tuesday afternoon so i decided to search the net for news on lindsay lohan and hilary duff and i kind of stumbled on this hate site by jennifer folan which is quite 'drastic'. so i read all that she wrote there and i agreed on other things and i disagreed on others. nevertheless, i still hated hilary duff's singing. so i went to sign on her guestbook and told everybody there that i saw raise ur voice and didn't like it because hilary duff sucked in the singing and i surmised that the voice she used there wasn't her own and even if it was, it was assisted by several machines or whatever.

so i went back there yesterday to see if anyone reacted and one person did and her reply was quite 'violent' word-wise. well, her name was CHLOE and she called me dumbass and criticized my acting career as inferior to that of hilary duff's. well i lost my head because i really hate people who call me stupid when im really not, it's something that i couldn't take. so then..i lost it and i replied. i called her a sick insane ugly bitch, called her a sicko and insulted her about her brother. well, she told me she appreciated raise ur voice because like terry, she also lost her brother. well, because my words get really bad when im angry, i also told her im sorry that her brother had her for a sister. i know. it's so totally not me.

well, i visited there again today and saw her reply. and she actually said sorry for calling me stupid and stuff like that...she also told me that her brother died even before he was born and it just broke my heart that i said something like that at someone as kind as her...i can't help it but at that very moment, i wanted to just disappear..i am so ashamed of myself.

chloe, im really, really sorry. if could just go to where you are right now and apologize to u personally, i really, really would. i felt so stupid for calling you all those things, and to think u were so forgiving and all. i want u to know that i actually cried when i read that u were filipino because calling a fellow pinoy an ugly stupid bitch would be last thing i'd do. im really really sorry. and i even felt guiltier when u said u visited my blog. i felt so touched...*pulls out a kleenex*

well, so much for that...i just wanna let it out...and tell the world that there are still people like you out there who have big hearts...im really sorry and im glad we met. although we didn't have a good start, i hope we can still be friends. u know, if u weren't a fan and i wasn't a hater, im sure we would have been good friends. anyway, it's gettin long and again, I'm so SORRY. about ur brother, too...i really didn't mean to write those preposterous things about u and if ur brother was alive, im SURE he'd have felt so lucky to have a sister like you.

I'm sorry again. Toodles! n_~

party time

last night was the BOMB!! I mean the bomb...well yesterday was San Jose fiesta and like we always do annualy, we went there for one day and get to watch these pageant whose contestants still possess the usual stupidity and lack of english skills. but whatever, i guess their beauty could compensate...well, i also got to meet my auntie and my uncle from canada which i didn't know existed until yesterday..they were like so cool because they were the frst to dance in the middle of the dancefloor with what like a hudnred people watching. uncle's dance moves was so superb we couldn't help but laugh at him. i also met my second-degree cousins which i didn't know existed, too. well, it was very inteligent to mind
in my part that two of them, argel and kuya choi were very handsome and japorms na japorms. the other one is ate melody, who was so cool because she's got this slick and slender figure that i think a lot of girls her age would die for. so back to my 2nd-degree cousins cuties...not only were they hot but they could also bust some really serious dance moves. i mean it was my first time to ever enjoy a disco with people i met not over ten minutes ago...which was cool because at first they wouldn't talk to us but then when we went upstairs they were like, "Oh, agaw! You can call me choi..." I was like kilig for a moment but then i pressed in my head that we were cousins and I better stay away. well whatever, as if he and his brother were my type.

argel was like this chickboy kind of guy and he dances in this horny kind of way that's nonetheless appealing. actually, he was teasing me with his dance moves so i showed him my vibrating move and accidentally hit his crotch!!!! OMG!! I know! It's so terryfying but we acted like nothing happened but i did feel my but hitting his...whatever it was! Hahahaha!!! OMG! We're cousins! We're cousins! we're cool.

i also met the cousins of my cousisn and i thought they were really cool to be withand i'd like to hang out with them another time, it's too bad we have to leave early. oh and i also realized that my mom was cool after all. i mean when we were in the car she just blurted out that the first thing we should do in cebu is watch the da vinci code. i was like, "really?" but how about the age thing?" Then my mother told me we could just simply lie about our age and besides, i don't look that young either.

oh and also last night, i lost my voice for the very FIRST time from shouting and yelling and dancing and talking...but it was cool because i got it back first thing in the morning. well so much for that...i look forwards again next year..my summer wasn't bad after all...haha...

stupid storm haha

so this week was kind of horrible. everything was like on the other side of the road. the weather was disappointing and i wasn't able to sleep last wednesday night because of the storm and it reminded me of those voices in amytiville horror. well anyway, when i woke up the storm was still there but i was glad it mitigated a little. another thing upset everyone this week: the series of blackouts throughout the town. i mean, i missed a whole week of kaleido star! i hate it! and now we couldn't get a damn cable reception! and our phone had no dial tone! argh! what could be any fuckin worse? i couldn't watch tv, no internet and all i could do is write my guts out and stare at the computer screen all day. am not sayin it's bad because before the blackouts and all, i received a most precious review from one of my favorite authors, gypsy-chan! i mean i was so happy i almost french-kissed the computer screen! so that got be back to my feet and my inspiration went back and i was able to write again...

another good thing also happened..my ipod finally went back after travelling all the way from singapore! it's in good condition now but it also frustrated me because i couldn't update it because it requireed the 5.0 version of i.tunes, the itunes i have was version 4.8. i wanted to update it but because the phone had no dial tone, i couldn;t connect to the internet. hmm...everything just got boring.

well, it was mother's day last sunday and i greeted my mom during the night. and she complained, saying we were too late! i actually got hurt a little because if she had just like put up this approachable image, i should have greeted her first thing in the morning! but that's just it, because she makes it so hard for us to reach out to her as a mother...she is a good provider but she was never been the mother you can talk to about problems and so not the mother you can just hug and say i love you to everyday! she's the business type and she was never really hands-on, on us. but it doesn't matter. we're kind of used to her that way and maybe i love her that way she is.

oh and im now officially addicted to caffeine! i even named the bear my cousin gave me cofee! well because im addicted to caffeine, im now craving for dark chocolates, which is my fave choc but haven't ate any since summer! my mom gave me two huge bars of this VERY dark Polish choc called terravita delicate, it's like 77% cocoa and i sort of devoured the first bar the same afternoon she gave it to me. well but i actually didn't enjoy it as much as i'd like to because i was thinking of stipay...well, the first thing that i thought when i saw those dark bars was stipay...dark chocs are one of our common likes and i think it will give her ferrero rocher a run for the money! stipay, omg! you should taste it, it's so dark! haha! I wanna let you taste it so bad i didn't lay a hand on the second bar...i wish you were here and share my dark choc moment! i miss already! and hapi mothers day to ur mom..sorry didn't reply...my stepdad didn't tell me about the message..anyhoo, i hope you do good there...miss u already!

so the drama

so ive been designing blog templates lately and this one im using right now is actually my third one. haha..im so proud! anyways, there had been a series of black-out since yesterday and well, i finally went to ormoc on my own last saturday. my inspiration also came back after i received an amazing 120 reviews. isn't that revitalizing?

well anyway, the blackout today got me thinking. *sighs* have you ever wondered why sometimes the things you wish to forget are the things you often remember? ive forcing myself to forget him already and how happy i feel when i hear his voice or when he jokes around...it's weird but i just can't get him off my mind. everything just reminds me of his eyes, his smile, everything. then i look at the phone and wonder if he'll ever call me soon or i check out my mail and hope to see a message, even a short one from him, asking if i was okay, what i was doing, stuff about me that he used to ask when we were still best-friend-close. i try to erase his secrets from my memory but it haunts every damn time i lie down and ponder. i feel so stupid right now because i feel so inferior, like im the biggest fool of all. but whatever really. i guess it's better this way because it'll prevent me from hurting more in the future now that we're graduating and all. but hey, maybe i'll find someone else better when i go to college. i just want to kick myself for realizing this late that we don't deserve each other and we're too different to ever become each others' fate. it was stupid to ever consider that. the things we thought were destiny were merely coincidences. maybe because we're both clumsy and careless and independent and moody and pretentious.

but our similarities stop there. we don't have anything else in common. but it feels good to know that he's as stupid as i am because he goes around fooling himself everybody likes him and everybody is interested in his secrets, his life and everything that he has to say. he's stupid for ever thinking that i would still chase him after what he did and said to me. he's stupid for ever thinking that saying sorry was enough. he destroyed our friendship but furthermore, he destroyed my trust, contrary to what he alleged me of doing. im not mad at him, im just thankful i realized soon enough that i deserved better than mr-everybody-wants-me. but thinking about me thinking about him all the time just makes me wanna rip up my scalp. im so fed up with my thoughts but no matter how i try, i can't get them to go away.

*heaves chest* well i finally let it out. i just have to let out. well, to him, i dedicate this poem...

When everyone surfaces, I drown
And I waste in every rapid wave
I try to speak and breathe at the same time
But all that goes out of me are sparkles of water

When time comes that green monsters destroy me
I close my eyes and just smile to myself
It doesn't matter whatever becomes of me
As long as he stil says hello

In dreams I waste myself
Making foolish thoughts of tomorrow
I hated him for being so amiable
And I guess he'd never change

Confused by every second he's near
Is it just me or did we really have it?
So with a smile and an invisible tear
"Goodbye to every dream with you..."

Go to hell sucka! I deserve better than you! puss off!