i had two things yesterday: fun and a busted lip.
well, first the fun. yesterday was klyde's birthday so we went for a little swim in water world. oh and would you believe that the "knights of the altar" of our parish thought the same thing and ended up swimming in the same spring-pool with us. oh and joshua was there too. i wanted to talk to him but i didn't want to initiate so nothing weird happened. we had fun because the water was cool and we constantly drowned our cousin maxene to teach her to swim. boy that girl had her guts! i mean she sanked three times in the row and was still managed to grin when she surfaced. haha, talk about family.
second, the busted lip. well, we were playing hagubol. (hagubol: a game which we, ourselves, well, my cousins invented. the "it" will seek the ball from anyone in the circle and the person who touched the ball before the "it" succeeds to touch it will be the "it" Get it?) so we had no ball then so we used a coke can. the game was going will when my super-excellent bright and charming sister threw the ball directly at my frickin lip! oh god! the pain! ahh! i so hated her! but im not really that angry, she didn't mean it after all. so my lip bled a little and before i knew it, it started to swell and now i've got a lip as big as a bean bag! ha! what happy day!
and my hair got frickin worse. well i don't even think i should call it hair but a big ball of frizz. im going to janet's this morning to ask if they can do anything to fix it up. i don't want looking like a mess in stipay's birthday or when i enroll in san carlos. i wanna look my best. haha. so gotta stop here. got a lot of things to do>
p.s: just finished watching Ouran High-School Host Club. I loved it! It's about a girl named Haruhi who disguises herself as a guy and got in the Host Club whose members are like the most popular guys in the richest school in Japan. I loved Tamaki! You know, if such a guy would exist, someone emotional and true and caring...oh my god...i would definitely, most certainly would do anything to snag him. Lolz...
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Saturday, April 07, 2007
thinking out loud...
i've been thinking a lot lately. lots of stuff. lots of dreams.
my good friday was supposed to be good but it wasn't. i had a tantrum and would have killed my own sister right then and there. well anyway, i don't wanna talk about it. i don't want to talk about my thursday either, which didn't turn out so good as well. my friends were supposed to come over and have our last chat together...before the soccer team leaves for the Palaro and Steffi goes back to Luzon. But something unexpected happened...rain.
it was funny but i couldn't find it in myself to hate the rain. i simply told myself maybe there was a reason why we weren't able to gather. i hate to write it down but at that same thursday, after ezra called, i found myself staring at the phone, my heart racing. i didn't want to think i was hoping he would call back, like he said he would, but somehow i knew that he wouldn't. true enough, he didn't. but i don't want to ask myself "why" anymore because it only hurts me more. instead, i prayed silently and asked god to help me get over the things that were bothering me.
three straight days. couldn't sleep, couldn't think of anything else except him. i am so tired of going back to this phase over and over again. and not only does it hurt twice, it's also getting frequent. today, i went with my mom to go and do the station of the cross. i had no idea how rough it was going to be. i thought it was just one of the processions. turns out i was mistaken. we had to walk, then neil, then walk and neil again. imagine us doing that for 14 times. i know i sound whine-y but im not really complaining. after all, i owe Jesus that much of a sacrifice. i was trying to start a new chapter of the fictions i created a year ago but found no way of doing that. i read the five people you meet in heaven but my whole body was sore so i slept in the whole morning.
well, i wrote this entry not because i want to but because i felt like i need to. these past few days have been hard on me. my heart, my mind, my soul...i feel like they're all against me. i don't want to get hurt again but somehow, hurt is all i get. i'm not blaming anyone for the pain. i don't even blame him. i know i have to feel this way and now that i am, im getting sick and i want to break free. and yet, even so, there's a little part of me that wants to hold on.
so this morning, after our strenous stations of the cross, i prayed to God and asked him for a sign. signs. he doesn't know it's the biggest thing we have in common. he says he believed in signs...but signs are what makes my faith. i believe in God because he gave me signs, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't if he didn't. i made a pact with God. i told Him that if he wouldn't call before Monday or if we don't see each other that same day, i would forget everything that i feel and move on. i know it isn't easy but that's the only sign i have to believe in.
and if signs do exist, well maybe a chance between the two of us exist as well...
my good friday was supposed to be good but it wasn't. i had a tantrum and would have killed my own sister right then and there. well anyway, i don't wanna talk about it. i don't want to talk about my thursday either, which didn't turn out so good as well. my friends were supposed to come over and have our last chat together...before the soccer team leaves for the Palaro and Steffi goes back to Luzon. But something unexpected happened...rain.
it was funny but i couldn't find it in myself to hate the rain. i simply told myself maybe there was a reason why we weren't able to gather. i hate to write it down but at that same thursday, after ezra called, i found myself staring at the phone, my heart racing. i didn't want to think i was hoping he would call back, like he said he would, but somehow i knew that he wouldn't. true enough, he didn't. but i don't want to ask myself "why" anymore because it only hurts me more. instead, i prayed silently and asked god to help me get over the things that were bothering me.
three straight days. couldn't sleep, couldn't think of anything else except him. i am so tired of going back to this phase over and over again. and not only does it hurt twice, it's also getting frequent. today, i went with my mom to go and do the station of the cross. i had no idea how rough it was going to be. i thought it was just one of the processions. turns out i was mistaken. we had to walk, then neil, then walk and neil again. imagine us doing that for 14 times. i know i sound whine-y but im not really complaining. after all, i owe Jesus that much of a sacrifice. i was trying to start a new chapter of the fictions i created a year ago but found no way of doing that. i read the five people you meet in heaven but my whole body was sore so i slept in the whole morning.
well, i wrote this entry not because i want to but because i felt like i need to. these past few days have been hard on me. my heart, my mind, my soul...i feel like they're all against me. i don't want to get hurt again but somehow, hurt is all i get. i'm not blaming anyone for the pain. i don't even blame him. i know i have to feel this way and now that i am, im getting sick and i want to break free. and yet, even so, there's a little part of me that wants to hold on.
so this morning, after our strenous stations of the cross, i prayed to God and asked him for a sign. signs. he doesn't know it's the biggest thing we have in common. he says he believed in signs...but signs are what makes my faith. i believe in God because he gave me signs, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't if he didn't. i made a pact with God. i told Him that if he wouldn't call before Monday or if we don't see each other that same day, i would forget everything that i feel and move on. i know it isn't easy but that's the only sign i have to believe in.
and if signs do exist, well maybe a chance between the two of us exist as well...
Thursday, April 05, 2007
fucked up
i am so tired. i can't sleep, i can't eat and i can't fucking control my anger. god i am just so pissed off right now i wanna kill her, strangle her and choke her to her fucking death
god i am just so angry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her
i only fucking curse when im overwhelmed with happiness, when im fucking confused or when im really fucking fed up with anger and this last fucking straw!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
god im not the calm type of person. im a fucking hothead so don't use fucking sarcasms to fuck me off or i will fuck you up. god i just want to kill her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
god i am just so angry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her
i only fucking curse when im overwhelmed with happiness, when im fucking confused or when im really fucking fed up with anger and this last fucking straw!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
god im not the calm type of person. im a fucking hothead so don't use fucking sarcasms to fuck me off or i will fuck you up. god i just want to kill her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Frienship
i can't stop thinking last night...i almost found it hard to close my eyes and sleep.
i kept thinking about what i said, to my friends, especially to ezra. i thought maybe i held back a little, that i haven't really told them the whole story, the whole of what i kept in my heart for so long. when we went to that beach last saturday, i cried the whole night and couldn't sleep. i wasn't really sure if it was because i was sad that these wonderful people would someday leave me for good or if it was because i was overwhelmed with happiness because, after all these years of search, i finally understood what friendship really is. it was after when i actually talked to God that i realized that i was crying because of both.
when i came to llci, i came to learn. that was what i always thought. i didn't like the place when i came there because the people were snobbish and looked very cold, if not arrogant. so all i did was focus on my studies because that's what i thought high-school was about. you know, learning what makes stuff move, why these, how those...random things. so during first quarter, i rose to the top and everyone talked about it. i get to have my 30 seconds of fame after all. so then, the four of us (dolly, michelle, pheby and myself) were called to ms. sunit and she demanded a decision: will we stay...or leave? that time, i already made friends with section b so it was really hard to choose. but then i thought that maybe there's more to section a than section b always described to us. it was a scary place, they say. i was a little afraid but i decided to transfer anyway.
so section a it was: the big scary place where i found the most beautiful people that ever existed. i was seated next to ezra who took the confidence out of the deepest nook that i hid them. i guess he deserves my biggest thanks for making me a person i never thought i was, someone confident, someone outspoken, someone real. it took me so long to discover who i really am and then he came and i realized that it was through this boy that i discovered myself. we grew really close and he introduced me to steffi and carl. i just can't help but smile when i remember those silly things we used to do when we couldn't do anything else. days passed by and one day i just realized that i had something else for ezra, something more than friendship. i wouldn't call it love because i don't think i was apt, for my age, to feel such a strong emotion for someone i just met over a quarter. but i did like him. and then he started calling me every night and we would talk until 4 am. he told me a lot of secrets, so did i. he treated me more than a friend but i knew he felt nothing towards me beyond that. i was never a person who expects something more so i just kept everything to myself. i've always been jealous. not because of ezra, but i was jealous OF ezra. it was because he found it very easy to talk to people and he was always popular. he always manages to smile and be cool and stuff like that. everybody liked him. but even so, he was one of the best friends ive had and i couldn't do anything to hurt him. there were times when i really hated his guts, him for accusing of things and making me take the first move to say sorry. i was always a person of ego but when it came to him, even i could swallow my pride.
third year he stopped calling and there was a time when i was really, really hurt that i struggled to find ways to forget him. then i had mark. i couldn't say i used him because at one time, i felt the same way for him as i did for ezra. he was a nice guy and he makes me feel really special. so i was thankful that slowly, my feelings for ezra decreased but i couldn't deny that they were still strong. fourth year came and i was glad we weren't classmates. at the later quarters, the feelings STOPPED. I look at him and i don't see that same things as when i do when i was still attracted. he touches me and i don't feel anything. it's like they just disappeared. and i don't look for him anymore and i don't look at the phone wishing he would call. and i was pretty happy that i managed to let him go, let myself go.
end of the year came and graduation day where i cried all my heart out.god, i couldn't stand the truth that sooner or later, i might not be with my friends anymore. so we went to the beach and had our last official party where we had an open forum and allowed our secrets to pour out. everybody thanked me but it's me that should be thanking them. i might have lost a good 2000 pesos or so but i've gained a moment with my friends where i could tell them how much i love them and care for them and that i would willingly, with all my heart, exchange all the material things i have just to see them smile and hear them laugh. at the end of the day, when i went to bed, i thanked God for giving me these people and for the whole new light he gave to what we all call 'friendship'.
it was in that blue van of dolly that i truly realized what it meant. it means pain and a lot of sacrifices. it means 3-hour talks and several wrestling sessions. it means falling in love over and over again until your heart is completely broken and just waiting for your friends to pick up the pieces and make you whole again. it means jokes that either hurt or tickle. it's all about movie marathons and sleepovers. it involves a lot of food, pancit cantons and cokes. it's about being there for each other and being free to make mistakes. it's about being imperfect and being loved for those imperfections. friendship is about posing for the camera and getting the picture whole. it's about forgiving yourself and forgiving your friends, about hugs and kisses, about discovering each other. friendship is the best thing you could have in your life especially when you share it with very wonderful people. to steffi, panyang, gael, ytel, dara, pamila, shiela fe, dolly, jaye, alyssa, michelle, caren, angela, emmylou, ezra, francis, raymund, earl, richmond, antonieto, mark and to my other friends...i hope you know how i love you guys and how HAPPY i am to experience the true meaning of high-school with you. we will soon
part ways but i know that as long as we remain friends, we will always be just within reach.
oh and i've come up with this equation: high-school = friendship
just want you all to know that kung manglayas mo sa inyong balay, kung masirad-an mo, kung kigutom mo or kung la lang mo'y lingaw, just knock and shout sa balay and i'll welcome you. i always feel light, happy, something that i don't think any word can describe or express, when you guys are here sa house, just chilling. i'll miss you all. i hate goodbyes but they are a part of life so as much as i hate to type it down, i know i have to. goodbye.
i kept thinking about what i said, to my friends, especially to ezra. i thought maybe i held back a little, that i haven't really told them the whole story, the whole of what i kept in my heart for so long. when we went to that beach last saturday, i cried the whole night and couldn't sleep. i wasn't really sure if it was because i was sad that these wonderful people would someday leave me for good or if it was because i was overwhelmed with happiness because, after all these years of search, i finally understood what friendship really is. it was after when i actually talked to God that i realized that i was crying because of both.
when i came to llci, i came to learn. that was what i always thought. i didn't like the place when i came there because the people were snobbish and looked very cold, if not arrogant. so all i did was focus on my studies because that's what i thought high-school was about. you know, learning what makes stuff move, why these, how those...random things. so during first quarter, i rose to the top and everyone talked about it. i get to have my 30 seconds of fame after all. so then, the four of us (dolly, michelle, pheby and myself) were called to ms. sunit and she demanded a decision: will we stay...or leave? that time, i already made friends with section b so it was really hard to choose. but then i thought that maybe there's more to section a than section b always described to us. it was a scary place, they say. i was a little afraid but i decided to transfer anyway.
so section a it was: the big scary place where i found the most beautiful people that ever existed. i was seated next to ezra who took the confidence out of the deepest nook that i hid them. i guess he deserves my biggest thanks for making me a person i never thought i was, someone confident, someone outspoken, someone real. it took me so long to discover who i really am and then he came and i realized that it was through this boy that i discovered myself. we grew really close and he introduced me to steffi and carl. i just can't help but smile when i remember those silly things we used to do when we couldn't do anything else. days passed by and one day i just realized that i had something else for ezra, something more than friendship. i wouldn't call it love because i don't think i was apt, for my age, to feel such a strong emotion for someone i just met over a quarter. but i did like him. and then he started calling me every night and we would talk until 4 am. he told me a lot of secrets, so did i. he treated me more than a friend but i knew he felt nothing towards me beyond that. i was never a person who expects something more so i just kept everything to myself. i've always been jealous. not because of ezra, but i was jealous OF ezra. it was because he found it very easy to talk to people and he was always popular. he always manages to smile and be cool and stuff like that. everybody liked him. but even so, he was one of the best friends ive had and i couldn't do anything to hurt him. there were times when i really hated his guts, him for accusing of things and making me take the first move to say sorry. i was always a person of ego but when it came to him, even i could swallow my pride.
third year he stopped calling and there was a time when i was really, really hurt that i struggled to find ways to forget him. then i had mark. i couldn't say i used him because at one time, i felt the same way for him as i did for ezra. he was a nice guy and he makes me feel really special. so i was thankful that slowly, my feelings for ezra decreased but i couldn't deny that they were still strong. fourth year came and i was glad we weren't classmates. at the later quarters, the feelings STOPPED. I look at him and i don't see that same things as when i do when i was still attracted. he touches me and i don't feel anything. it's like they just disappeared. and i don't look for him anymore and i don't look at the phone wishing he would call. and i was pretty happy that i managed to let him go, let myself go.
end of the year came and graduation day where i cried all my heart out.god, i couldn't stand the truth that sooner or later, i might not be with my friends anymore. so we went to the beach and had our last official party where we had an open forum and allowed our secrets to pour out. everybody thanked me but it's me that should be thanking them. i might have lost a good 2000 pesos or so but i've gained a moment with my friends where i could tell them how much i love them and care for them and that i would willingly, with all my heart, exchange all the material things i have just to see them smile and hear them laugh. at the end of the day, when i went to bed, i thanked God for giving me these people and for the whole new light he gave to what we all call 'friendship'.
it was in that blue van of dolly that i truly realized what it meant. it means pain and a lot of sacrifices. it means 3-hour talks and several wrestling sessions. it means falling in love over and over again until your heart is completely broken and just waiting for your friends to pick up the pieces and make you whole again. it means jokes that either hurt or tickle. it's all about movie marathons and sleepovers. it involves a lot of food, pancit cantons and cokes. it's about being there for each other and being free to make mistakes. it's about being imperfect and being loved for those imperfections. friendship is about posing for the camera and getting the picture whole. it's about forgiving yourself and forgiving your friends, about hugs and kisses, about discovering each other. friendship is the best thing you could have in your life especially when you share it with very wonderful people. to steffi, panyang, gael, ytel, dara, pamila, shiela fe, dolly, jaye, alyssa, michelle, caren, angela, emmylou, ezra, francis, raymund, earl, richmond, antonieto, mark and to my other friends...i hope you know how i love you guys and how HAPPY i am to experience the true meaning of high-school with you. we will soon
part ways but i know that as long as we remain friends, we will always be just within reach.
oh and i've come up with this equation: high-school = friendship
just want you all to know that kung manglayas mo sa inyong balay, kung masirad-an mo, kung kigutom mo or kung la lang mo'y lingaw, just knock and shout sa balay and i'll welcome you. i always feel light, happy, something that i don't think any word can describe or express, when you guys are here sa house, just chilling. i'll miss you all. i hate goodbyes but they are a part of life so as much as i hate to type it down, i know i have to. goodbye.
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