the pain

today i really feel disgusted at myself...

i don't know but when i opened my friendster profile and saw that nobody cared, i sort of had a really weird repulsive feeling. plus im really stressed at my recent ACET which turned out to be just okay. hmmm....i think i can't rest...it's too heavy. i wanna write but i can't seem to. i open my unfinished 15th chapter, scroll to the last paragraph and find myself looking for something good to write. i get really upset and close the software even before i thought of doing so. last wednesday, when i joined the swimming singles "accidentally" and saw how sick worried ezra was when he saw that i was almost out breath, i felt sort of glad because i wanted that feeling of being cared for. and i thought my inspiration had come back. BIG MISTAKE. it was just a one hour fantasy that faded the instant i stepped on the unpolished upholstery of the van that would take me to ormoc. and i was a little happy because the fact that i was already over the funny feelings i used to have around ezra was finally gone. when i look at him, there's no spark anymore. like when i watched him play soccer the other day. before, i used to have this chills seeing him run like some famous runner and kick some grass that I figure raul gonzales (my fave and hottest soccer hunk capt. of real madrid) also did when he was young. but now, i just watch him like im watching keith gomez play. there was nothing there...and maybe...i already had something in place of him on my mind...

im not concentrating on anyone coz the same feelings i had for mark were long, long way gone. and i don't think they'll ever come back. what i don't like is how he treats me like i still like him...making all those kilig gestures...he just doesn't know they don't move me anymore. im kind of used making promises to myself that i break a little too often. sometimes, it hurts me but i love the things i learn from the pain. im tired of fronting and for once, i wanna tell "girly-girly" that sometimes, the things she tells me don't interest me one bit. for once i wanna tell my mom that i appreciate her and i love her and i wanna tell my sister how lucky i am for having her in my life. i wanna hug all my friends and kiss them and tell them how beautiful they have made my life. for once i wanna pull ezra and tell him how happy i am to be free from the feelings that i had for him all these years. i wanna tell mr. q how funny it is to be right and be wrong at the same time. i wanna tell mark that i don't like him that way i did anymore. i wanna tell myself to stop trying and accept that i can't please everybody. ive got to stop trying. because im so tired.

so why am i writing all this? as a matter of fact, i don't know. maybe it's the fact that sometimes, when you try very hard, you tend to step on other people. and that's a bad thing. i know i hurt a lot of people. and ive been hurt but a lot of people. it's this concept of mutualism. which i still don't get. hmmn...i guess i have to end it all here....until next time...

she's killing me

oh my god!!! im not usually a person who would hurt other people just to stand up for whar i believe because i think it wouldn't justify the pain but earlier in enlish class, i thought twice. my blood pressure could only rise as high but it couldn't rise any higher. argh!!! fuck her!! i couldn't fucking stand her anymore. it's like she's the most stupid incompetent wannabe teacher in this fuckin planet!! i am so tired of her slow fuckin baby-talk and her rewind-lessons that never move on! and she pretends she knows all these thing when it's so obvious that she fuckin doesn't. and then we talked about general and specific statements this afternoon which was a friggin peace of cake and she made it a ct. so one statement was "The Trojans shouldn't have let the enemies in" Who the devil would ever think that the fuckin statement is general? is she that retarded not to see that fucking TROJANS blaring at her!!! seriously, i would have stood up and shaved all her hair off right then and there. *sighs* it's killing me day after day. i mean english was supposed to be my favorite subject. but she's slaughtering it. now im afraid on the path of coming to resent it in the future. it's my only talent and she's taking it away from me. im not writing this because i think i know a lot better than her because as a matter of fact i do. nevertheless, i wrote this shit to let out how i feel because i don't want to be taught the wrong things because it's english and i want to learn it the right way. im really really disappointed in her. i want to move to college right away. and after saying it all, i still have on more sentence left to say: she sucks.