Why try to change me now?

This song hits me hard, right where my heart is.

I'm sentimental, so I walk in the rain
I've got some habits even I can't explain
I go to the corner and end up in Spain
Why try to change me now?

I sit in daydream, I got daydreams galore
Cigarette ashes, there they go on the floor
Go away, weekend, leave my keys on the door
Why try to change me now?

Why can't I be more conventional?
People talk, and they stare so I try
But that can't be 'cause I can't see
Mys strange little world just go passing me by

Let people wonder, let them laugh, let them frown
You know I love you 'till the moon's upside down
Don't you remember I was always your clown?
Why try to change me now?
 
Why can't I be more conventional?
People talk, and they stare, so I try
But that can't be because I can't see
Mys strange little world just go passing me by

So let people wonder, let them laugh, let them frown
You know I love you 'till the moon's upside down
Don't you remember I was always your clown?
Why try to change me ?
Why would you want to change me?
Why try to change me now?

 

I bet you didn't know . . .

I bet you didn't know

that I like flowers

and the noise of markets

or that I like to eat fish

with my hands

 I bet you didn't know either

that I like to listen

to Icelandic music

and pretend I'm a mermaid

or that my favorite day

is Thursday

Possessed by Consumerism

I try not to subscribe to current technological trends because 1) it's a waste of good money, 2) I don't really need it, and 3) I don't want to be any other bloke ostentatiously wielding their branded smartphones around as if they're above everyone else.

Sometimes, however, my self-resolve crumbles against the pressure of technologically keeping up with the rest of the world. I see my friends with their latest touch-screen phones while mine is still stuck in the era of slides and flips. Two years ago when this touch-screen fad started, I didn't really mind having an old-school phone. I mean, a phone only has to be able to call and send text messages, right? So maybe a camera and 3G capability can be useful sometimes, but these are all just vestigial accessories. A phone is still a phone without them.

Samsung G600. My two-year-old phone.

Fast forward (and I mean fast fucking forward) to the present and the definition of a phone five years ago no longer holds weight. A phone that is not WIFI-capable, has no camera, cannot play mp3 music, and does not support faddy applications is no longer a phone---it's a piece of old shit that people use sometimes as decoys when they think they're in a place swarmed with potential thieves. A phone---no, a smartphone, is what a phone should really be today: able to call and text plus3G, camera with some-fancy-name lens, WIFI, a hundred-and-I've-lost-count applications, at least 1 GHz of speed, a fancy-named OS, at least 512 of RAM and 2G of internal storage . . .  the list goes on and on of the much-coveted specifications that hippies and gadget nerds go gaga over.

I think I have lost track of the exact moment when owning gadgets are no longer a question of practicality or portability, when it has become a statement of economic status. When you own the latest iPhone or Xperia, or Lumia or the latest come-what-not, you are rich. Of course you are rich. How the hell can you afford all these things if you weren't? It doesn't matter how you were able to come up with this money or how you could have used that money for more important things--say, food or education---the important thing is you can show-and-tell your friends that you are richer than them (unless of course they have the more expensive brand or model.)

Having said those, you cannot imagine what I felt when I suddenly had a dying urge to buy myself a smartphone. Yes, that was correct. The cynic has relented, which makes me a sad hypocrite. I know, I know---I have chastised myself over and over with the things I wrote above. The thing though is, and it stinks to have to acknowledge it, I'm still human. It's natural for a sane human being to want what others have that he doesn't. It's natural to covet.While I'm not a hardcore gadget/phone enthusiast, I don't want that feeling of being left behind.

See I was waiting for my friends to come at Ayala, and I had been walking aimless for three hours, so I decided to stop and sit on a bench for a while. This lady sits beside me, takes out her smartphone and starts tinkering it. I look at the other person beside me and he was doing the same thing. And I look at my phone and for some reason, I felt really small. There they were playing the latest games, using the latest apps, while I was pathetically browsing through my old messages and restraining myself from looking over at theirs.

At that moment, I realized that I don't want to feel like that ever again. It's one of the worst feelings in the world. So I have decided to get a smartphone while keeping some of my cynic-pride behind. I'm going to get an old smartphone that although doesn't have the latest specs, can still perform side-by-side the latest models. I am getting this:

NTT Docomo P-07c

 Isn't it a beauty? This was released last year July, so the specs are a little outdated, but I think it's perfect! I can afford it anyway, so what the hell. I also just realized that I haven't really bought anything long-lasting with my salary. I've spent it all on food, gimmicks, and groceries. This time I can brag to my friends that I bought this with my own money. Nevermind that I've become a little less strong in my resolve never to join the bandwagon. I'm not itching to get the latest iPhone or the popular brands anyway. I'm going for something that not everyone has. That alone consoles me.

Mad Hatter

For the past few days, I feel like the Mad Hatter. Cheerful and wise one second and angry and irrational the next.

Last night was probably the longest night I've ever had. It was raining very hard when I got out of the office yesterday. All the jeeps were full, so I had to walk half a kilometer to try and get on at that point. I already spent an hour waiting, so I decided to take a jeep to another route. That was a big mistake.

I spent another two hours sitting cold, stuck in the long stretch of traffic. It took ten whole minutes for the congestion to move an inch. I was at my limit, so when the driver said he wasn't going to dare the rain any longer and was going home, I jumped out of the vehicle and brisk-walked all the way to the city.

Not All Gains Are Positive

There has always been an issue with me about weight. It fluctuates too damn frequently. I spend months and months of controlled diet and gain it back over a single weekend of french fries and chicken.

My hormones are probably at fault for my gain this time, but haven't I been blaming them too much for all the irresponsible things I say and do these days? I can't cower forever behind PMS. I have to suck it up and just admit that I have a crumbling grasp on my temper and appetite.

I feel so angry all the time! Experiencing the slightest technical lags sends me off edge, and the urge to tell people "fuck you, pick your shit up" has been especially strong these days. The only thing that somehow calms me is indie music and the thought of babies and animals.

Normally I don't mind gaining a little weight because I know I can lose them in a week of strict diet; but when people start to notice and tell me "you gained weight, haven't you?" and it becomes a herculean struggle of twisting and ass-sucking to fit into my favorite pair of jeans—then I know I am fucked.

My favorite jeans—I call 'em "weight jeans"—is the only authority I trust during these times:

When I lose weight, they will fit me perfectly: I don't have to wriggle and writhe like a worm. When I gain weight (as I have now), they will become almost impossible to raise toward my waist. They will get stuck on my knees, and I will have to jump up and down and chant "suck it in" in my head like an idiot before I can finally close them done.

Sure people will say, "Nobody cares if you become a little fat," "You're still cute anyway," or my favorite, "What matters is the inside" to make you feel better. Bullshit. Bull-fucking-shit. People will care and they will call you an ugly fat bitch in their minds. Even when I can't hear it, I don't want people to think of me that way. It's the trauma talking and yes, I am aware I probably need therapy to cure me of my obsession for vanity but it's the ugly truth. No matter what pseudo-inspirational pep talk people give you, you know the outside appearance always matters.

But I am not going to talk about beauty and health and fitness more than I already have. This is a little sensitive topic for me because it brings back so many horrible memories from my childhood. What I really want to say anyway is I need to go jog and do aerobics again. I need those jeans to fit me perfectly again, so perfect that I will need a belt to hold it steady on my waist. This kind of vanity isn't for other people. Really, it isn't. When you've experienced bullying because of weight, you do it for yourself—so you can face the world with the confidence and pride that's been taken away from you.

So starting today, I am that person again.