I have a foreboding feeling. It's somewhere between fear and anticipation. I don't know what it's trying to tell me. But I'm scared because I keep thinking about my mom. I still don't know how to tell her about the ring. Every time I think about it, my heart races crazy. And it's all my fault. I also broke my Globe Visibility Broadband last Friday because I was so pissed. There was no connection and I needed to send my feature article to Ate Denise ASAP. Anger Management Issues come in and I go wild. When my friends came back, I drank Vodka and got a little buzzed. And now I fucking regret it. There are a lot of things you regret doing when you're angry. One of them is this. But sometimes, when you have lost far too many things, the feeling somehow comes naturally to you. Like somehow, someway, anytime, you are bound to lose something. I've never been able to keep something that lasts. The people, the things I have in my life, either I lose them or they go away voluntarily. And when people go away, I don't do anything to stop them. Because it's always been my belief that you can't stop people from doing what they want. If they really want to stay, they will. But if they want to leave, I should just let them go and get on with my own life.
Maybe that's why I've never really had a real bestfriend. Or something close to a relationship. Because I'm scared that somehow along the way, I'm going to lose them. And I have lost a lot of best friends and I keep having new ones and I lose the connection right away. Maybe it's them or myabe it's me. I'm a scaredy-cat. A chickenshit. But so far, nobody, NOBODY has ever seen that. Nobody has figured out that I'm always afraid. Nobody's ever dared to break that wall and try to see who I really am. One thing I've always observed in people is that they are so consumed in their own lives, in their own feelings, in their own talents that they sometimes forget that others have those too. That's why I sometimes wish I wasn't born with this kind of sensitivity. It hurts sometimes.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
The MOALBOAL Experience
The MOALBOAL Experience
Yesterday was the Production Party of My Fair Lady. Let me tell you now that there aren't enough words to describe what that experience was like. But for the purpose of relieving myself of lingering thoughts, I will try to narrate what happened here. In Bisaya haha.
Ang call time namo kay alas singko nya kay Filipino time man lagi, alas sais na tawn mi nakalarga. Kasagaran sa amu kay LingLit kay busy daw kaayo ang ComArts. I think it's not fair. Pwede ra man cguro na nila mahimu karong Sunday. Kami gani daghan assignment. Si Lori luoy kay di maka igat2 kay wala man si Jared bwahaha. Duha ka bus ang amo kipakyaw kay abi man lagi namo na manguban ang mga ComArts. So kay wala man sila, grabi kaluag sa second bus. Lingaw man sad ang byahe padung ngadto kay nanganta mi ug nagjoke2 hehe. Pero grabi gyud kasakit sa among lubot pag-abot. Almost two and a half hours ang byahe kay mga 9 kapin nami naabot. Dah pag abot jud grabi pagkasaba oi. Kami cge ug "WATER!!!". Grabi ka nindot sa balas, balud pajud kaayo. Excited namiiii!!! Pagnaug namu sa bus, nagpalumbaanay ang mga taw sa CR kay kaihiun na. Nyahaha. Ang uban nag-ilis na sa ilang mga bikini, ang uban nag picture2.
Nagtambay2 pa tawn mi sa cottage, ki feel sa namo ang environment. Bugnaw kaayo ang tubig. Si Lori ganahan na maligo so nag-ilis na si Sordy ug Godece. Pagbutang namu sunblock, diretso nami sa tubig ni Sordy. Si Godece taud2 na kuno. Waaah grabi ka batuon! Murag mabitas anytime amu tsinelas. Layu-layu nami, mabaw gihapon ang tubig. Si Paul ug si Ms. Chat miapas namu. Nya sila Godece ug Hannah. Kay batuon lagi, ang amu ra kalingawan kay magpa-anod sa mga bawd. Lingaw man pero sakit intawn sa mata ug lawas kay maigo man sa bato. Katong kapoy na, namalik mi. Diha diay toy black nga iro. Dako kaayo! Ganahan kaayo ko niya!! Paghuman duwa2 sa dako nga itom nga iro, nangaon nami. As promised, ang cast ang ni serve sa uban. In the middle of things, ning-ulan bitaw na...with wind pajud ha. So ang mga taw, tindog intawn nangaon. Kami ni Aaron nami sa gawas pajud sa cottage. Thank God nihunong ang uwan unya mi-init. Katong init2 na, nangaligo mi ug balik ni Sordy, this time, kauban si Patette. Naa naman sa dagat sila Aaron, JC, Adam, Rizna ug Anja so misunod na lng mi nila. Padung na taob so di na kaayo mabaw pero batuon gihapon! Ingon sila di daw kaayo batuon sa unahan so nangadto mi. Sakto jud. Naa man pud didto silang Cinette, Irene, sila Melody, Shanny, Martin...nagpicture2 na lng pud mi. Kadugayan nanghawa sila so kami na lng nila Rizna nabilin. Nagpa-anod, nagpicture2...lingaw pud baya. Diha na nako namatikdan na sakit na akong bugan. Si Sordy pud, sakit na pd daw iyaha so namalik mi. Pag abot namo adto nangaon mi kadiyot ug chichirya ug ni-inum ko ug isa ka shot nga Mojitos. Haha. Wla pa gani ko kapahulay, kibira naman ko nila Ate Shasha ug ni Patris kay mangadto daw mi ug Boracay. Ingon sila di jud daw batuon...adto sa pinakaunahan. Hay bisag kipilas ko, go gihapon! Pag abot namu, mas nindot jud diay ngadto. Wala ko naligo kay sakit na jud ako pilas so mi-una nalng ko. Pagbalik nako, nagduwa sila ug Buwan-buwan. Ganahan ta ko mu-apil pero sakit man jud. Nakapalit gud ko bag-ong shorts haha. Paghuman nila Buwan-buwan, nangadto sila sa Boracay. Pisti! Ganahan jud ko mukuyog nya sakit japon ako bugan. Natulog nalng ko. Pagmata nako, mingaw na kaayo ang mga cottage. Ang nabilin ra tawn ang mga wala nangaligo. Tua daw ang uban sa Boracay. Kay di naman kaayu sakit jud, niapas ko. Pagpadung nako ngadto, voila! A sandstorm! Pisti grabi kasakit sa lawas, murag dagum ang hangin! Katong hapit nako, kitukmod ko ni Ate Sha2 sa dagat. May ra pd oi ky nagdali-dali man jud ko ug tugsaw kay sakit ang balas. Sus kay BAGYO naman jud diay nya delikado na! I had no frickin idea! I was having fun getting smashed by those waves. They were mother***** big!!! Katong kami nalang duha ni Patette, murag naka-sense ko na dapat na jud mi manghawa sa dagat. Ang katong nakasilong na sa sandstorm, cge shagit na manillong napud mi. Pero lisod oi kay pirmi ko maanod na pagtindog nako, maanod na pd ko. Luoy tawn si Patette kay maanod pud sha ug apil. Katong nakahawa najud mi sa dagat, naglakaw mi ug paspas padung sa balay sa unahan. GRABI jud kasakit!!!! Murag kag kitattoo sa tanan nimong lawas! Pag abot namo adto, nangutana tawn silang tanan if OK ra ba daw mi, Of course! Why wouldn't I be? I was wondering though why they looked so terrified. I thought it was great to experience a storm firsthand. But apparently, they thought otherwise. Later, I was beginning to have chills. Tugnaw na jud ang hangin. Bisag walay nagpanic, dihay cge ingon nga ayaw ug panic. I don't like it when people make a big deal out of things. We are obviously not going to fucking die. But of course, I know that we had to do everything to be safe and we can't be complacent. We prayed, then we walked, hand in hand, back to our cottages. Pag abot namo, wala na amo mga bag! Kisulod na daw tanan sa bus! Putragis! Wala jud mi naka-ilis. Gipangita dayun nako ako bag and when I found it, I behaved myself in my seat. No complains, I just sat there. Sila tanan ganahan mag-ilis so ila gipahawa tanan lalaki sa bus. I didn't want to change. Not without a proper dressing room. So I stayed wet. Hapit na mularga ang bus, naki-hitch pa jud ko ug isa ka tequilla shot from the other bus. Kato nilarga na, bati gihapun ang panahon pero mihinay na kadugayan.
I was freezing! As in murag padulong nako pneumonia. But I was in my happy mood so I knew I wasn't going to get sick. We slept a bit and when we woke up, nangita mi ug kalingawan. Ang uban nangihi pagstop-over sa bus. Si Ate Shasha diay ug si Ate Jocelyn, wala tawn mga tsinelas!! Murag naanod nato. Kaluoy. So after ato, wala nako nakatulog ug balik nya nanganta na lng mi ug grabi ka cheesy na mga songs until naabot mi. Pag-abot namo, I was shivering still but I was happy. I hugged everybody and we went home. Pag-abot namu sa bhouse, I was already coming down with a fever. Naligo ko, I changed, and I slept. At 8:30. I knew I was happy but I was feeling something opposite. Gikulbaan ko pero wala ko kasabot ngano. But oh well.
All in all, the MOALBOAL experience, is surely one to be always remembered! And talked about...
Yesterday was the Production Party of My Fair Lady. Let me tell you now that there aren't enough words to describe what that experience was like. But for the purpose of relieving myself of lingering thoughts, I will try to narrate what happened here. In Bisaya haha.
Ang call time namo kay alas singko nya kay Filipino time man lagi, alas sais na tawn mi nakalarga. Kasagaran sa amu kay LingLit kay busy daw kaayo ang ComArts. I think it's not fair. Pwede ra man cguro na nila mahimu karong Sunday. Kami gani daghan assignment. Si Lori luoy kay di maka igat2 kay wala man si Jared bwahaha. Duha ka bus ang amo kipakyaw kay abi man lagi namo na manguban ang mga ComArts. So kay wala man sila, grabi kaluag sa second bus. Lingaw man sad ang byahe padung ngadto kay nanganta mi ug nagjoke2 hehe. Pero grabi gyud kasakit sa among lubot pag-abot. Almost two and a half hours ang byahe kay mga 9 kapin nami naabot. Dah pag abot jud grabi pagkasaba oi. Kami cge ug "WATER!!!". Grabi ka nindot sa balas, balud pajud kaayo. Excited namiiii!!! Pagnaug namu sa bus, nagpalumbaanay ang mga taw sa CR kay kaihiun na. Nyahaha. Ang uban nag-ilis na sa ilang mga bikini, ang uban nag picture2.
Nagtambay2 pa tawn mi sa cottage, ki feel sa namo ang environment. Bugnaw kaayo ang tubig. Si Lori ganahan na maligo so nag-ilis na si Sordy ug Godece. Pagbutang namu sunblock, diretso nami sa tubig ni Sordy. Si Godece taud2 na kuno. Waaah grabi ka batuon! Murag mabitas anytime amu tsinelas. Layu-layu nami, mabaw gihapon ang tubig. Si Paul ug si Ms. Chat miapas namu. Nya sila Godece ug Hannah. Kay batuon lagi, ang amu ra kalingawan kay magpa-anod sa mga bawd. Lingaw man pero sakit intawn sa mata ug lawas kay maigo man sa bato. Katong kapoy na, namalik mi. Diha diay toy black nga iro. Dako kaayo! Ganahan kaayo ko niya!! Paghuman duwa2 sa dako nga itom nga iro, nangaon nami. As promised, ang cast ang ni serve sa uban. In the middle of things, ning-ulan bitaw na...with wind pajud ha. So ang mga taw, tindog intawn nangaon. Kami ni Aaron nami sa gawas pajud sa cottage. Thank God nihunong ang uwan unya mi-init. Katong init2 na, nangaligo mi ug balik ni Sordy, this time, kauban si Patette. Naa naman sa dagat sila Aaron, JC, Adam, Rizna ug Anja so misunod na lng mi nila. Padung na taob so di na kaayo mabaw pero batuon gihapon! Ingon sila di daw kaayo batuon sa unahan so nangadto mi. Sakto jud. Naa man pud didto silang Cinette, Irene, sila Melody, Shanny, Martin...nagpicture2 na lng pud mi. Kadugayan nanghawa sila so kami na lng nila Rizna nabilin. Nagpa-anod, nagpicture2...lingaw pud baya. Diha na nako namatikdan na sakit na akong bugan. Si Sordy pud, sakit na pd daw iyaha so namalik mi. Pag abot namo adto nangaon mi kadiyot ug chichirya ug ni-inum ko ug isa ka shot nga Mojitos. Haha. Wla pa gani ko kapahulay, kibira naman ko nila Ate Shasha ug ni Patris kay mangadto daw mi ug Boracay. Ingon sila di jud daw batuon...adto sa pinakaunahan. Hay bisag kipilas ko, go gihapon! Pag abot namu, mas nindot jud diay ngadto. Wala ko naligo kay sakit na jud ako pilas so mi-una nalng ko. Pagbalik nako, nagduwa sila ug Buwan-buwan. Ganahan ta ko mu-apil pero sakit man jud. Nakapalit gud ko bag-ong shorts haha. Paghuman nila Buwan-buwan, nangadto sila sa Boracay. Pisti! Ganahan jud ko mukuyog nya sakit japon ako bugan. Natulog nalng ko. Pagmata nako, mingaw na kaayo ang mga cottage. Ang nabilin ra tawn ang mga wala nangaligo. Tua daw ang uban sa Boracay. Kay di naman kaayu sakit jud, niapas ko. Pagpadung nako ngadto, voila! A sandstorm! Pisti grabi kasakit sa lawas, murag dagum ang hangin! Katong hapit nako, kitukmod ko ni Ate Sha2 sa dagat. May ra pd oi ky nagdali-dali man jud ko ug tugsaw kay sakit ang balas. Sus kay BAGYO naman jud diay nya delikado na! I had no frickin idea! I was having fun getting smashed by those waves. They were mother***** big!!! Katong kami nalang duha ni Patette, murag naka-sense ko na dapat na jud mi manghawa sa dagat. Ang katong nakasilong na sa sandstorm, cge shagit na manillong napud mi. Pero lisod oi kay pirmi ko maanod na pagtindog nako, maanod na pd ko. Luoy tawn si Patette kay maanod pud sha ug apil. Katong nakahawa najud mi sa dagat, naglakaw mi ug paspas padung sa balay sa unahan. GRABI jud kasakit!!!! Murag kag kitattoo sa tanan nimong lawas! Pag abot namo adto, nangutana tawn silang tanan if OK ra ba daw mi, Of course! Why wouldn't I be? I was wondering though why they looked so terrified. I thought it was great to experience a storm firsthand. But apparently, they thought otherwise. Later, I was beginning to have chills. Tugnaw na jud ang hangin. Bisag walay nagpanic, dihay cge ingon nga ayaw ug panic. I don't like it when people make a big deal out of things. We are obviously not going to fucking die. But of course, I know that we had to do everything to be safe and we can't be complacent. We prayed, then we walked, hand in hand, back to our cottages. Pag abot namo, wala na amo mga bag! Kisulod na daw tanan sa bus! Putragis! Wala jud mi naka-ilis. Gipangita dayun nako ako bag and when I found it, I behaved myself in my seat. No complains, I just sat there. Sila tanan ganahan mag-ilis so ila gipahawa tanan lalaki sa bus. I didn't want to change. Not without a proper dressing room. So I stayed wet. Hapit na mularga ang bus, naki-hitch pa jud ko ug isa ka tequilla shot from the other bus. Kato nilarga na, bati gihapun ang panahon pero mihinay na kadugayan.
I was freezing! As in murag padulong nako pneumonia. But I was in my happy mood so I knew I wasn't going to get sick. We slept a bit and when we woke up, nangita mi ug kalingawan. Ang uban nangihi pagstop-over sa bus. Si Ate Shasha diay ug si Ate Jocelyn, wala tawn mga tsinelas!! Murag naanod nato. Kaluoy. So after ato, wala nako nakatulog ug balik nya nanganta na lng mi ug grabi ka cheesy na mga songs until naabot mi. Pag-abot namo, I was shivering still but I was happy. I hugged everybody and we went home. Pag-abot namu sa bhouse, I was already coming down with a fever. Naligo ko, I changed, and I slept. At 8:30. I knew I was happy but I was feeling something opposite. Gikulbaan ko pero wala ko kasabot ngano. But oh well.
All in all, the MOALBOAL experience, is surely one to be always remembered! And talked about...
Monday, September 21, 2009
SUNDAY - A Memory
THE NIGHT AFTER
Wow! Last night was the most fun I've ever had since I don't know! I was in my drunkest self, I was dancing like crazy and I think I remember asking Paul to kiss me, which he did. Twice. Lol. Who wouldn't be f**king drunk? I had six shots of patron tequila BEFORE we went out so I was already getting there. But not totally there yet. When we got to Gabbannas, our friends were there already. Too many to enumerate. But they were fun people. They were already making rounds of beer, which I passed every time it was offered to me (because beer is a something non grata in my stomach). Sir Eugene and our gay friends were on the neighboring club so we went there to visit them. We met his boyfriend who was fairly cute. They were also making rounds of beer which the fairly cute boyfriend offered me which I did not refuse because gay people are so good at persuading people and it was for Sir Eugene. Patette wasn't there so Paul and I smoked a bit. Just one stick, mind you. We also danced there haha. Along with our other friends who went there to visit with us. Ah I had my first sandwhich dance! And it was with Paul and Aldwin, too!!! Then we went back and I had my second sandwhich dance. And another sandwhich dance. Lol. I danced with A, too. Couldn't look at his eyes. I don't know if it was because I was too drunk to focus on his face or if I deemed the dance an awkward moment because his girlfriend was just like some significant meters away. I also met Maricar on the toilet when I was sticking my fingers on my throat to throw up. I was VERY drunk so I think I kind of greeted her rudely or something. I feel so bad. I always want to be nice to the people that the people I love love. But I think I couldn't help but feel jealous. A is very nice and he's easy to like. I'm trying to keep a safe distance between us because I have a very dangerous tendecy of falling for guys who give me attention. He was also joking about giving me a kiss because he totally saw Paul slobbering me. Even if I was already f**king stoned, I would NEVER EVER do that with a guy who already has someone he loves. And I would never do something as cruel as that to a girl I've just met. Maricar seems sweet and if A wants to cheat, which I don't think he will ever do, it will not be with me. EVER. But the thing is, if this is it. Then, this is it. I have no intention of denying that I've already stumbled. And in no time, I know I'm going to fall. But once I'm there, I have no right to act on it whatsoever. And I don't plan to. Not if I was drunk or concussed or out of my mind. I will not do anything about what I feel until the day comes when he's free and I'm ready. I don't wish for their relationship to end soon. God knows I don't. In fact, I want to cheer them on, to be happy for them. All people who are in love deserve to be happy with the people who love them back.
So enough with this ranting about love shit. After beer, we had VODKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had, what, five shots? So after those five shots, I can barely remember what happened. I do remember that Kenneth brought Kuya Lyndon with him and I sort of hugged him as if we were close. I don't remember exactly what I told him but I think I was saying something about Lynjun.and his girlfriend. Oops. Everybody else was drunk now and we were dancing with no inhibitions whatsoever. A few times I closed my eyes to sleep but Paul always woke me up. He is so loud and naughty when he's drunk hahaha. Around 1:30, I was feeling really bad. I didn't think I could hold it anymore so I insisted that we went home already. Sure, it was early but it was my stomach. I could have went home by myself but they insisted we went home together. So I paid for the vodka and literally stuffed the change in my bag. WE got into a taxi and I paid for the ride. I think my 500 peso bill fell when I was fumbling for the 100 bill. So now, I am an effing broke ass. But I am not really feeling bummed about it. I want to think it was worth it. Whatever I lost for the fun I had. The night and the day that led to it.
THE DAY THAT LED TO IT (haha)
The last day of the play I mean. I was so sad thinking it would end soon. Our late night rehearsals, our bonding in between scenes, our craziness, our whack ideas, our friendship. It won't be lost of course but the time..it was the time. It's the time that we can't bring back again. There was so much energy this morning. Call time was 9 but since everybody else was late as usual, we had spare time to eat and get a taste of another religion. They're called New Life. I had so much fun!!! I really felt God, you know. And I freaked out subtly when I saw Paul crying. I didn't think it was weird. In fact, I found it mysterious and overwhelming, So anyway, the first show was GREAT! We had great enery, Aldwin was great, Patette amazing and the rest of us energetic. Pattete's parents and kuya were watching so they kid of took it easy on the kissing scene. But in the end, her father got teary-eyed and so it was worth it, our energy I mean. The second show was just as great.Sir Eugene was a bit fidgety because the great Dr. Rosal was watching. Lol. When it was time for the third and last show, we held hands for a bit and held back tears. We prayed to God for its success. But were sure of our ENERGY! There was SOOO MUUCH ENEEEERRRGY!!
The time has come. House music pervades through the hall and soon it is filled with people's hushed voices, coming in and sitting down. For a moment, this random unremarkable sound is like jazz music to our ears, gentle and comforting. For a moment, we are entranced to our own different reveries, we are taken back to the day when all of us, people who had little to do with each other, met and became friends. Our hands begin to tremble so we find hold the hand closest to ours and hold it tight. The hall gets dark and the hushed voices is silenced. The announcement is made and it starts to rain. Then the people meet a flower girl and a phonetician and a retired colonel. They see her change into a lady. They meet the professor's housekeeper and mother, a social-climbing lady, her handsome son, a flighty hostess and a big-stomached Hungarian. The people laugh then they snigger. Sometimes, they fall silent. Sometimes, they clap. But we know that always, that flowegirl amazes them.
A fight ensues and the phonetician is heartbroken and he breaks down and cries out the name of the girl he loves. The people clap and we cry. This is it. The end. The lights shine again and we are called. Soon after, the stage is filled with hugs and kisses and hands and tears and memories and words. This is the end. Sad but happy. This is love. This is our moment.
Wow! Last night was the most fun I've ever had since I don't know! I was in my drunkest self, I was dancing like crazy and I think I remember asking Paul to kiss me, which he did. Twice. Lol. Who wouldn't be f**king drunk? I had six shots of patron tequila BEFORE we went out so I was already getting there. But not totally there yet. When we got to Gabbannas, our friends were there already. Too many to enumerate. But they were fun people. They were already making rounds of beer, which I passed every time it was offered to me (because beer is a something non grata in my stomach). Sir Eugene and our gay friends were on the neighboring club so we went there to visit them. We met his boyfriend who was fairly cute. They were also making rounds of beer which the fairly cute boyfriend offered me which I did not refuse because gay people are so good at persuading people and it was for Sir Eugene. Patette wasn't there so Paul and I smoked a bit. Just one stick, mind you. We also danced there haha. Along with our other friends who went there to visit with us. Ah I had my first sandwhich dance! And it was with Paul and Aldwin, too!!! Then we went back and I had my second sandwhich dance. And another sandwhich dance. Lol. I danced with A, too. Couldn't look at his eyes. I don't know if it was because I was too drunk to focus on his face or if I deemed the dance an awkward moment because his girlfriend was just like some significant meters away. I also met Maricar on the toilet when I was sticking my fingers on my throat to throw up. I was VERY drunk so I think I kind of greeted her rudely or something. I feel so bad. I always want to be nice to the people that the people I love love. But I think I couldn't help but feel jealous. A is very nice and he's easy to like. I'm trying to keep a safe distance between us because I have a very dangerous tendecy of falling for guys who give me attention. He was also joking about giving me a kiss because he totally saw Paul slobbering me. Even if I was already f**king stoned, I would NEVER EVER do that with a guy who already has someone he loves. And I would never do something as cruel as that to a girl I've just met. Maricar seems sweet and if A wants to cheat, which I don't think he will ever do, it will not be with me. EVER. But the thing is, if this is it. Then, this is it. I have no intention of denying that I've already stumbled. And in no time, I know I'm going to fall. But once I'm there, I have no right to act on it whatsoever. And I don't plan to. Not if I was drunk or concussed or out of my mind. I will not do anything about what I feel until the day comes when he's free and I'm ready. I don't wish for their relationship to end soon. God knows I don't. In fact, I want to cheer them on, to be happy for them. All people who are in love deserve to be happy with the people who love them back.
So enough with this ranting about love shit. After beer, we had VODKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had, what, five shots? So after those five shots, I can barely remember what happened. I do remember that Kenneth brought Kuya Lyndon with him and I sort of hugged him as if we were close. I don't remember exactly what I told him but I think I was saying something about Lynjun.and his girlfriend. Oops. Everybody else was drunk now and we were dancing with no inhibitions whatsoever. A few times I closed my eyes to sleep but Paul always woke me up. He is so loud and naughty when he's drunk hahaha. Around 1:30, I was feeling really bad. I didn't think I could hold it anymore so I insisted that we went home already. Sure, it was early but it was my stomach. I could have went home by myself but they insisted we went home together. So I paid for the vodka and literally stuffed the change in my bag. WE got into a taxi and I paid for the ride. I think my 500 peso bill fell when I was fumbling for the 100 bill. So now, I am an effing broke ass. But I am not really feeling bummed about it. I want to think it was worth it. Whatever I lost for the fun I had. The night and the day that led to it.
THE DAY THAT LED TO IT (haha)
The last day of the play I mean. I was so sad thinking it would end soon. Our late night rehearsals, our bonding in between scenes, our craziness, our whack ideas, our friendship. It won't be lost of course but the time..it was the time. It's the time that we can't bring back again. There was so much energy this morning. Call time was 9 but since everybody else was late as usual, we had spare time to eat and get a taste of another religion. They're called New Life. I had so much fun!!! I really felt God, you know. And I freaked out subtly when I saw Paul crying. I didn't think it was weird. In fact, I found it mysterious and overwhelming, So anyway, the first show was GREAT! We had great enery, Aldwin was great, Patette amazing and the rest of us energetic. Pattete's parents and kuya were watching so they kid of took it easy on the kissing scene. But in the end, her father got teary-eyed and so it was worth it, our energy I mean. The second show was just as great.Sir Eugene was a bit fidgety because the great Dr. Rosal was watching. Lol. When it was time for the third and last show, we held hands for a bit and held back tears. We prayed to God for its success. But were sure of our ENERGY! There was SOOO MUUCH ENEEEERRRGY!!
The time has come. House music pervades through the hall and soon it is filled with people's hushed voices, coming in and sitting down. For a moment, this random unremarkable sound is like jazz music to our ears, gentle and comforting. For a moment, we are entranced to our own different reveries, we are taken back to the day when all of us, people who had little to do with each other, met and became friends. Our hands begin to tremble so we find hold the hand closest to ours and hold it tight. The hall gets dark and the hushed voices is silenced. The announcement is made and it starts to rain. Then the people meet a flower girl and a phonetician and a retired colonel. They see her change into a lady. They meet the professor's housekeeper and mother, a social-climbing lady, her handsome son, a flighty hostess and a big-stomached Hungarian. The people laugh then they snigger. Sometimes, they fall silent. Sometimes, they clap. But we know that always, that flowegirl amazes them.
A fight ensues and the phonetician is heartbroken and he breaks down and cries out the name of the girl he loves. The people clap and we cry. This is it. The end. The lights shine again and we are called. Soon after, the stage is filled with hugs and kisses and hands and tears and memories and words. This is the end. Sad but happy. This is love. This is our moment.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
OVER
I've realized something really important today: I AM OVER HIM!!!!
I am totally over G! I am so happy!! I saw him walking past this afternoon and of course I talked to him and I totally felt NOTHING. In fact, I was a bit annoyed. I think about it 'till now and I don't feel tingles or shivers like I normally would. And I wasn't sad to see him go and I had NO desire whatsoever to see him again, which is good.
I was with Godece and she attributed it to me having feelings for A. Reality check: Dude has a girlfriend and I have no intention of being a third party. EVER. And besides, I finally figured out that the bonding we have is nothing more than friendship. I am not the desperate type. If A likes me as more than a friend, then great. If he doesn't, then great too. I'll take whatever comes my way. Seriously, I don't care anymore. The fact that I'm feeling uglier and fatter each day is not helping. Maybe this love thing isn't for me...for now, I guess. But I'd still want to look pretty...just in case. Haha.
***
I just finished watching The Uninvited. I liked it. Emily Browning is so pretty and she's short like me. I guess if I was skinny like her and had nice hair and a clear face, I think I'd look really beautiful. But thing is, I don't have all those. And in a world like ours, you need to be beautiful to make the cut. Seriously, if I had been prettier, I'd be playing more significant roles in the play. Not that I don't like being Mrs. Pearce...it's just I know I can do better. For God's sakes, I could do Eliza or even Higgins! But being short and fat and ugly only gets you forgettable roles like the governess or the parlormaid or the passerby. Sometimes, I think it's unfair. I can only be the smart best friend or the dependable side-kick, I never get to have the spotlight. They don't even give me the antagonist roles for Pete's sake! No I'm not saying I want to be Eliza because I don't. Really. The point is I deserve more. I deserve to have my talents recognized, too. I deserve to have people's attention for a minute. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be respected as a friend. I deserve to be more than just a lady-in-waiting.
And I will get all those things. There are no small roles. I will make myself significant in this world. I know I was born for something great. I will be beautiful and make people regret that they ever thought I was ugly and undeserving. Yes. I am FAT and UGLY and SHORT. But I swear, on my very soul, that will change. Someday, someday, it will.
I am totally over G! I am so happy!! I saw him walking past this afternoon and of course I talked to him and I totally felt NOTHING. In fact, I was a bit annoyed. I think about it 'till now and I don't feel tingles or shivers like I normally would. And I wasn't sad to see him go and I had NO desire whatsoever to see him again, which is good.
I was with Godece and she attributed it to me having feelings for A. Reality check: Dude has a girlfriend and I have no intention of being a third party. EVER. And besides, I finally figured out that the bonding we have is nothing more than friendship. I am not the desperate type. If A likes me as more than a friend, then great. If he doesn't, then great too. I'll take whatever comes my way. Seriously, I don't care anymore. The fact that I'm feeling uglier and fatter each day is not helping. Maybe this love thing isn't for me...for now, I guess. But I'd still want to look pretty...just in case. Haha.
***
I just finished watching The Uninvited. I liked it. Emily Browning is so pretty and she's short like me. I guess if I was skinny like her and had nice hair and a clear face, I think I'd look really beautiful. But thing is, I don't have all those. And in a world like ours, you need to be beautiful to make the cut. Seriously, if I had been prettier, I'd be playing more significant roles in the play. Not that I don't like being Mrs. Pearce...it's just I know I can do better. For God's sakes, I could do Eliza or even Higgins! But being short and fat and ugly only gets you forgettable roles like the governess or the parlormaid or the passerby. Sometimes, I think it's unfair. I can only be the smart best friend or the dependable side-kick, I never get to have the spotlight. They don't even give me the antagonist roles for Pete's sake! No I'm not saying I want to be Eliza because I don't. Really. The point is I deserve more. I deserve to have my talents recognized, too. I deserve to have people's attention for a minute. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be respected as a friend. I deserve to be more than just a lady-in-waiting.
And I will get all those things. There are no small roles. I will make myself significant in this world. I know I was born for something great. I will be beautiful and make people regret that they ever thought I was ugly and undeserving. Yes. I am FAT and UGLY and SHORT. But I swear, on my very soul, that will change. Someday, someday, it will.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
No Longer My Friend
I hate real-life drama. Maybe because I've watched too many melodramatic soap operas on TV. Or maybe because I don't like to recognize my cowardice in confronting other people about the shit they do to me.
When people talk about going into fights with others, I always tell myeslf I'm lucky I don't have to go through with those kind of things. I hate fighting, I don't like having enemies, I detest hating people...especially when they're your friends. But until what point can you tolerate the mess other people make in your life? How do you know the right time to not care? I am so troubled right now. I want to think people can keep their promises, that they can somehow be worthy of my trust. But I've realized even friends betray you. And it hurts.
I don't know how my friends see me. I don't know if they are aware that sometimes they get into my nerves and make me cry. I don't know if they realize that I have my own feelings too and sometimes they have to recognize that I can also get hurt. I am not the kindest person. There is a limit to my patience, to my generosity, to my tolerance, especially to my friendship. Because friendship to me is a very important thing. Because when I make friends, I make it a point to make myself visible in their lives. I make sure they know they can always turn to me, that I'm always there. I make it a point to make them realize that I love them unconditionally. Because I don't believe in frienship with benefits. Frienship should be unconditional and free. I was sure my friends thought that way too. Now I'm not so sure.
When I treat you to dinner or lunch or to a movie, it doesn't mean I always will. I am NOT fucking rich. So when the first thing you say when we see each other is "panlibre beh", you can bet fucking rock-bottom that you just hit bullseye on my heart. I am NOT a fucking restaurant. When you say that to me, I feel like you want to be friends with me only because you can get freebies. When I let you borrow money, it DOES NOT fucking mean that you don't have to pay me back. Again, I am NOT fucking rich. My mom toiled to send me my allowance and you don't have a right to just take it away without paying. And when I don't ask for it back, DO NOT think that I don't want it back. I'm just being both considerate and a coward. So FUCK YOU for ever thinking that I don't feel anything when you borrow money over and over again without paying me back. BELIEVE ME, I could kill you. When you lie to me, I'd understand your reasons for doing so. But when you lie to me again, I'd think you think I'm stupid and I will NEVER believe you EVER AGAIN. When you take something from me without my permission (a.k.a stealing), like for example, my 500 peso bill, I WILL BITCH AT YOU unless you admit you did it and return my things to me. When I catch you redhanded, I swear to my Father's grave, I will rip your hair out of your head. But worse than that, you will have lost my trust. And when my trust is lost, NOTHING you do will ever bring it back. When I tell you I support and understand you, I MEAN it. But that does not mean I approve of the things you do. I am not the type of person who tells others what to do. I believe humans are naturally smart. So I leave it to your "intelligence" and your conscience to decipher which things you have to do and which things you should stop doing.
Yes, I am writing about you bitch and you have lost my trust, my respect and my friendship. It makes me sick to look at the shit you have made out of your life. I don't want to think that I am starting to hate you but you make it sooo fucking hard. I am sorry for you more than I ever have for any other person. You chose what you have chosen. I told myself I wasn't going to judge you until the day you make or break. You are on the verge of breaking and I am on the verge of losing my temper. I still care about you but recently, I've learned it's much more convenient to be indifferent. I have told you what I'm suppose to tell you. I have warned you and supported you and understood you. But it seems I have not achieved the desired effect. I've done my responsibility as a friend, now it's up to you to do yours. Your life is ruined and I am tired of picking up your slack.
I will still talk to you. I will still be civil and act as I always do but from this point on, you are no longer my friend.
When people talk about going into fights with others, I always tell myeslf I'm lucky I don't have to go through with those kind of things. I hate fighting, I don't like having enemies, I detest hating people...especially when they're your friends. But until what point can you tolerate the mess other people make in your life? How do you know the right time to not care? I am so troubled right now. I want to think people can keep their promises, that they can somehow be worthy of my trust. But I've realized even friends betray you. And it hurts.
I don't know how my friends see me. I don't know if they are aware that sometimes they get into my nerves and make me cry. I don't know if they realize that I have my own feelings too and sometimes they have to recognize that I can also get hurt. I am not the kindest person. There is a limit to my patience, to my generosity, to my tolerance, especially to my friendship. Because friendship to me is a very important thing. Because when I make friends, I make it a point to make myself visible in their lives. I make sure they know they can always turn to me, that I'm always there. I make it a point to make them realize that I love them unconditionally. Because I don't believe in frienship with benefits. Frienship should be unconditional and free. I was sure my friends thought that way too. Now I'm not so sure.
When I treat you to dinner or lunch or to a movie, it doesn't mean I always will. I am NOT fucking rich. So when the first thing you say when we see each other is "panlibre beh", you can bet fucking rock-bottom that you just hit bullseye on my heart. I am NOT a fucking restaurant. When you say that to me, I feel like you want to be friends with me only because you can get freebies. When I let you borrow money, it DOES NOT fucking mean that you don't have to pay me back. Again, I am NOT fucking rich. My mom toiled to send me my allowance and you don't have a right to just take it away without paying. And when I don't ask for it back, DO NOT think that I don't want it back. I'm just being both considerate and a coward. So FUCK YOU for ever thinking that I don't feel anything when you borrow money over and over again without paying me back. BELIEVE ME, I could kill you. When you lie to me, I'd understand your reasons for doing so. But when you lie to me again, I'd think you think I'm stupid and I will NEVER believe you EVER AGAIN. When you take something from me without my permission (a.k.a stealing), like for example, my 500 peso bill, I WILL BITCH AT YOU unless you admit you did it and return my things to me. When I catch you redhanded, I swear to my Father's grave, I will rip your hair out of your head. But worse than that, you will have lost my trust. And when my trust is lost, NOTHING you do will ever bring it back. When I tell you I support and understand you, I MEAN it. But that does not mean I approve of the things you do. I am not the type of person who tells others what to do. I believe humans are naturally smart. So I leave it to your "intelligence" and your conscience to decipher which things you have to do and which things you should stop doing.
Yes, I am writing about you bitch and you have lost my trust, my respect and my friendship. It makes me sick to look at the shit you have made out of your life. I don't want to think that I am starting to hate you but you make it sooo fucking hard. I am sorry for you more than I ever have for any other person. You chose what you have chosen. I told myself I wasn't going to judge you until the day you make or break. You are on the verge of breaking and I am on the verge of losing my temper. I still care about you but recently, I've learned it's much more convenient to be indifferent. I have told you what I'm suppose to tell you. I have warned you and supported you and understood you. But it seems I have not achieved the desired effect. I've done my responsibility as a friend, now it's up to you to do yours. Your life is ruined and I am tired of picking up your slack.
I will still talk to you. I will still be civil and act as I always do but from this point on, you are no longer my friend.
Sunday, September 06, 2009
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