disperas fun (?)

well we dined at torn's tonight because it was the disperas (the day before) the housing fiesta. I wasn't really planning to go but my sister forced me too. She looked really depressed so I went with her. My cousin Erika said she wasn't well so she didn't come with us. I thought it would be boring. Funny how wrong yet right I was. Yeah, I know. I'm being repetitive and plagiaristic (is there such a word?) again.



Well anyhow, charlotte was there too. When Torn showed up with her, I immediately felt uneasy because we had this notion about her being really stupid and stuff. We got to talk to her, more importantly I got to talk to her. They were wrong. I was wrong. The Charlotte that we all backstabbed was actually really sweet and nice and she had a really beautiful smile. And I loved how her eyes twinkle when she laughs. I know sound really lesbian right now but whatever. I liked her. End of story.

And I got drunk. Probably in the most drunken state I have ever been. Dolly was there and we drank maria clara together. I had fun talking with her even though there were times when we would just pause and get embarrassed because we have run out of things to say. Oh and we also talked about the fiesta tomorrow and how our parents harmonize in the thought that we invite everyone and get no invites back. True. There was only one person who was decent enough to invite me - Earl. I didn't really expect he would. He didn't say it to me personally but I just felt that he really wanted me to come. Too bad I won't.

And I had another soliloqy. I read this essay by Julia (one of the best writers i've ever come across the net) entitles this will be enough. it just managed to make me cry, made me realize how stupid and bland i've been. it inspired me to write so I tried to write again this morning. And I cried because I still can't write a single fucking sentence. I don't really know what's wrong with me. Maybe because I've come to accept that I should find my own story to write. And that's what I would do...hopefully..

the story of a girl

This is the story of a girl who thought she was beyond ordinary, who thought she was above everything, above all else. A girl who thought she could have everything she wanted, be anything she wished to be, do everything in one minute everything a person could do in an entire lifetime. This is a story of a girl who thought she found herself. A story of a girl who only thought...
She had swollen pimples that colored like the late rays of the afternoon sun, hair that scattered like the grasses in a California valley. She had the lips that spoke lies that were white as the clouds she loved to watch in windy mornings, the hands that wrote the world she thought she belonged to. She had eyes that were as black as the 3:00 light that made her restless, as deep as the waters she thought she could swim, and as untrue as a two year-old telling her mother about her fairy friends.

She smiled with love and joy, her pain and hatred all lurking behind, screaming for her to let them out, wishing she would finally accept them as her own. She laughed with easiness, as if wishing it could free her. She wrote stories that weren't her own and spoke of truths that didn't exist. She was a liar, a faker, a poser, someone unreal, invisible and imaginary.

She didn't exist in the real world.

Nobody really knew who she was, what she wanted or where she's going. She's just a sad, lonely girl stealing the dreams of other people, fooling herself that she could make herself happy, that she was good enough, that she was real. But she isn't, she might never be... She just sits there, dreaming of the rain, wishing it could make her disappear, wishing she could fall and have somebody to catch her. But nobody ever will. Because nobody knows where she is. Nobody.

She would close her eyes and keep her tears from falling. She would open them, hoping she could see someone that would look back and find her. She would let herself get lost in her dreams, a world so full of colorful lies and wonderful treachery that it was impossible for her to leave it.

She hoped of meeting people that could one day discover her. People who would see through her walls and are willing enough to break them just to see her, just to see how beautiful she really is. But as every second passes, that hope of ever finding herself gets further and further. Someday, it will go too far that nobody, not even herself, will remember it. And she'll be locked up forever. Undiscovered and unloved.

One day she will find herself walking along the seashores, the sound of the sea deafening her into silence, the sun blinding her into perpetual joy that she would think that she had finally found somewhere to belong. One day she will smile with the truth, laugh that would finally set her free. One day she would find herself dancing in the rain, while taking someone's hand and hearing the words "I love you"

One day she will soar to the sky and fall like a meteor, waiting for beautiful calloused hands to catch her. One day she will stand in a stage and tell the people the truth. One day she will hold a pen and a paper and write a story that she would call hers. One day, she will find the courage to destroy the walls that she built, and be able to finally cry with a reason. That day will come, that I am sure.

And when that day finally comes, she would look at herself in the mirror and be happy for the first time and tell herself, "I am good enough"

messy me

i've been squabbling over and over again. i can't help it. i've been really irritable these past few days and the frickin temperature didn't help either. i've been reading different stuff and watching a lot of movies and videos. i've been especially infuriated with my torrents which kept dowloading on and off. just like now. i really hate to wait. ugh! i just have to let it out!!

the view outside the window

yesterday, we went to my grandma's baranggay to celebrate their fiesta and i re-found this room which had a window. and when i opened that window, i found only one thing -- peace.









when i opened that window, suddenly i just felt peaceful, something that i haven't felt since our beach party. the wind was really cool, making you relax and stuff and the clouds were just beautiful. the scenery, the ricefield and the lake was really breathtaking. it just makes you want to just stay there and watch it for eternity. my cousins were there too and we had a great time talking about a lot of things.

when night came, we had fiesta dinner and watched ouran out of boredom. the temperature was "how-could-anyone-possibly-live-in-this-kind-of-heat" hot and there was no elbow room to breathe. there were probably about twenty kids running and screaming and driving you out of your mind! i was really loosing it. so then we went to the pageant. compared to last year, this year was really lame even when they've incorporated this stupid white screen that kept flashing the same thing every twenty minutes. and the hosts didn't even know english themselves. the candidates were stupid as usual and the whole thing was just pointless. the dance could have been nice but we didn't go because we had a kill joy in our party. fuckin sister. and i also accidentally deleted my files on my calendar. i wouuld have cried right then and there but i remembered that i still had my blog. whatever. well we went home and talked about things 'till 3 am.

morning came. breakfast. then we went home. that's it. apart from that view on the window, the whole thing was boring, senseless and just stupid.

at the dinner table

i just realized when i ate with my parents just a while ago that maybe being away from them for a long time might be one of the best things that could ever happen to me. i hate it when they're around. it's like im cooped up and i can't go free and i hate that kind of feeling.

and they're calling me things that i really don't like to hear and they patronize like hell. when we were eating and my mom handed me this shrimped and i said no because i wanted to eat the dried fish, she called me "uwat". in english "picky". i hate that word because i have known myself to be flexible and i would have eaten that shrimp without any complaint. i wasn't even complaining! good thing woke up in good shape this morning. otherwise, i wouldn't have been able to push my anger down my throat and started answering back.

and my stepdad. although he's a good man, he should have realized that calling other people fat, especially someone as sensitive as me, is very very damaging. and did my mom defend me? no! she actually agreed and told me that i was no use and that all i did in the house was eat and sleep. well what does she suppose i am to do? run around the town? fuck myself until i die? u know that is just what i want to do when they're around. i want to die. because having no freedom for me is death.

i cannot wait to be away from them. right now i just hate the two of them to my bone. god help me.

My Own Psychoanalysis

Lately, i've been wondering what's wrong with me because i've been daydreaming too much and i've done something that i think isn't what normal people would do. i've heard inferiority complex twice this week and it didn't go away in my head and i thought maybe it was a sign that i might have this pyschological disease or something. i looked it up and what do you know...i do have it..had it..only when i was young.

when i was eight years old, i believed i had inferiority complex. i developed multiple personality disorder, yes most people commonly call it "split personality". aside from myself, there were two other identities living inside me. the real me was good enough, had opinions of my own and was really composed. but i was in the middle between right and wrong.

the right was named "kynah". she was too good and took over the body when we were at school. she would do everything her friends told her to. from treating them every recess to giving them the up-er-hand at the playground. she couldn't defend herself from the bullies so she actually joined them. those who didn't were frequently ridiculed, made fun of and laughed at. she wanted to help but she was too helpless and did not do anything for she was too good. Probably too good to be anything real.

the wrong one was named "kyla" as far as my memory can hold.she was the one who always had the guts to fight..the one who always encouraged us that we had to defend ourselves from people who hurt us. i had nothing to say but kynah was 100% against it. she was scared, so was i but kyla was never afraid. so when we went to third grade, she took over. she did a lot of brave and stupid things. faked most of her friends, stole a lot of stuff and even went as far as actually using God to defend her. that year was the worst year of my life because when kyla got caught, she left me. kynah also left me. left me alone to answer there severities...

and that was where i grew up, where i learned my place and my stand. i could say that i experienced half of my life in third grade and finally, i lost my inferiority complex and i was myself again.

a lot of years passed and ive learned that i wasn't inferior at all. and in fact, i was superior than most of the others. i was second year high-school when i developed another psychological disease. looked it up and it was called "superiority complex" --> something that arises from inferiority complex. *lol* well, that makes sense, doesn't it? right now im trying hard to loose any complex, i just want to be me. no inferiorities, no superiorities. Just me. but im finding that it's starting to be really hard to do that because i'm really, really insecured. about everything. i hope i can get through this.

im glad to be actually writing this because once i turn 40 and read this stuff, i'll learn that i've matured earlier than the rest. that i know myself better than anyone. that i know what i want and what i need. and even though i may not be mentally healthy, at least i'm living my life the way i'm supposed to. and someday, hopefully someday, i might find who i really am..