solitude

the rain falls heavily on the roof

as if telling tiny stories

outside my window

so this is how it feels

when anger eats you up like

a monster

when solitude licks your skin

and fills up every starving pore

i'm all alone.

a lost shoe in the middle

of a wet hard marble road

abandoned, forgotten

is there anyone to claim me

from the coldness of this hour

from the chains of eternity i take

no pleasure in disovering

i am just alone.

a black diary with blank notes and

a set of rainbow colored pens

that know all the secrets

i am getting tired of thinking

that i love you and have no way

of giving freedom to the words that

have been longing to be claimed by your lips

i love you and you don't love me and still

i love you

i am still alone.

this boy i have met or

have never met and

will never meet again

pain is so sweet especially

when it is written in poetry

when the words make the bruises

sound like they are marshmallows

pink and soft and fluffy all over

i do not want to be alone.

a book of poems about

promises and memories and places

it's as if her words were all mine

if it were possible to forget you

to make your secret smile and your

warm eyes and the way your hair falls

over your head explode like boiling stars

from the cages of my memory i would have

raced time to get to the only way i can

i will not be alone.

Late New Year Post (of a frustrated stranded person)

I just realized that I haven't at all written anything for the new year and so, here it is. First things first, I'm feeling lucky this year. I don't know why but I do. Maybe such feelings were triggered by the several occasions my friends and I spent going to the pool, to a spring, to my house. And not only that, I feel kind of warm too, like every moment, I feel something wonderful is going to happen.

As I write, I am stranded here in Leyte, struggling not to bite my nails as I worry if ever I could find my ass in Cebu in time for classes tomorrow. There's this tropical depression and the coast guards won't let any goddamn ship sail because the coastal waters are going to be rough. There's no rain though and no wind so that kind of appends frustration to my worry. Although this has been the fondest memory of Christmas vacation that I could so far save in my cerebral cortex, I miss school and my friends at school. It's fun pigging out everyday and seeing trees and sleeping and waking up late but I feel useless. In school, I have function, I could directly tell myself that I'm needed so I want to go back.

2009 sounds good, I think I'm definitely going to be much, much better. I don't really believe in that new year resolution crap because no one should wait until new year to change. And besides, no one ever sticks to them anyway so why fucking bother. Also, I am not going to write a long list or summary of what happened last year. Suffice it is to say that it was a hard year, colored by countless curses and lies and stupid enmities and thunderstorms and power outages and frustrations about love, beauty and health. Also, that year, I seemed to distance myself from my high school friends. There were times when I seriously didn't want to hear anything from any of them. I don't know, I guess we just kind of drifted apart... what with different colleges and different new cirlce of friends. I think we were going through, in lovers' vocabulary, a rough patch. But we worked it out this Christmas. Once again, we were in high school and we were never away from each other. It's crazy how one moment I thought we were strangers and the next we're all the best of friends. Only they could do that. And that's probably why I kind of love so much.

Hmn aside from the bad stuff, the good thing about last year was its degree of insanity. Well, I'm not sure if insane is a good thing but if insane is there, fun is not so far away. And fun I did have. My college friends are one of the best group of people I could ever come across to in my life. They're all smart and funny and they're game for anything. And all these crazy ideas just keep pouring out. And last year I turned 18 too. Nothing to elaborate, nothing note-worthy happened. So this year hopefully, I could re-do the bad things and make them work for my advantage.

I'm posting a picture of the sky today. It's so gloomy. Makes you feel kind of depressed.

It's getting quiet, it's making me uneasy. My heart is beating shitty fast. Oh well, I guess I have to end this rant right here.