My Break

there's only one thing really important to say about this year's semester break: it's fucking FUN.

my friends have come to the house almost three times last week. and we had somewhere to go to for two three consecutive days. it was fun. really fun. well it all started sunday, during my godson (oooh i have a godson!!) clarence's christening. i was soo excited to be a ninang! so we all went to christine's house for the reception and ate a lot. then we sort of caught up with each other's lives and after everything ran out, we drank chamador. ooh, it was delicious. it was this really good white wine that tastes better, a lot better than Novelino. so after we drank wine, as expected, we all decided to head to our house. where we continued our thang.

the boys found porn in my bro's laptop so they kind of got hooked. well, boys WILL be boys. us girls stayed in my room where we watched...uhm,.. ok so the movie wasn't really fun so some of us kind of joined the boys heehee. but we DID NOT DO ANYTHING. i mean, get real. we were friends. we don't do porno stuff to each other. so those others who couldn't find anything else to do resorted to talking. that includes me. time passed and they had to leave but we agreed to meet at school the following day. our excuse? to get our yearbook, which sucked by the way. it came out really ugly. urgh. the newsletter was a little better but was just as bad. the articles were poorly-written. whatever.

so monday we agreed to meet at nine. but guess when those germs (kagaw) showed up? yep guessed it right, 10:30. some filipino time we got going there. caren even went to my house because she thought we already went there when all along we were just talking with ms. renegado in her office. so she had to go back to school. we saw rachele too. and i slipped down a little fucking slope. the bastards didn't even help me. tsk. so we just kind of sat there talking for about two hours and we realized we were hungry and it was lunch time and they all kind of looked at me with the can-we-eat-lunch-at-your-house look. i couldn't say no. hell i couldn't. so i told them they could if they would agree to do the cooking. they happily agreed and we went here. so we cooked hotdogs, the traditional pancit canton and some corn-beef. it sounded like breakfast but the food we had wasn't going to be enough for seven people. after lunch we headed upstairs and continued our routine. boys=porno. girls=decent movie/talking/surfing the net, etc. oh, we also caught shiele and michelle on y.m. so we talked to them. fun.

tuesday came and i had my period. period=dysmenhorrea (damn, i dunno how to spell it!). gael texted me about charmaine's debut. which means we need a car. ezra called me to tell me the obvious and to obviously ask me if we could like use our car. i wasn't so happy about that but they really wanted to go. and i couldn't say no. hell no i couldn't. so i asked my mom really nice and smooth if we could use the car. happily she approved and we all got dressed for the party. we reached charmaine's, greeted her, ate, took pictures, ate, strolled around town, talked, took pictures and waited for the car. the car arrived, took us to MY house where again, we proceeded to our routine. it was kind of fun having them at such an hour that i considered the thought of asking them to sleep over. but I'm SURE my mom would MIND that very much. i was going to leave on thursday so i asked them if they could come back on monday. they were only too happy to hear it and of course, OBLIGE.

i went to cebu for enrollment. damn, the lines were fucking long. i saw meg and there was still something but i tried to keep my distance. maybe i can get over her that way. and you know what, i think it worked. i kind of avoided thinking about her for the rest of the day, which is a really, really good sign. i was leaving the same day that night. i was happy to hear that i was leaving with caren, bridget, caren's cousnin ling-ling, earl and rowell. it was fun. finally, i got to strangle earl for a very long time now.

i also went to cebu for another reason: for daisy. well, you know, daisy was my best friend since elementary and i was really glad she went home. we rendezvous at ayala and she gave me some chocolates and this really really beautiful neclace and bangles. i felt soooo guilty i didn't get her anything. they were in a hurry so she can't sleep over at my house. but she did come over saturday and we had fun reading ouran and catching up.

sunday, ytel and lynjun went here. ytel had really small and red eyes. and she told me cd died. i felt soo sad for her because it was obvious and I know how she loved that dog. she went there to tell me she coldn't make it monday. i wasn't happy to hear it but i kind of understand. i told her it was okay and they left.

monday came. election, too. we went over to dolly's and voted her. we could see she really worked hard for this. she looked really tired but i knew she was happy to see us. i hope she wins. she deserves to win. and it was really cute when she just stood up there, made a speech about how experience can't be bought with money and then she cried. poor dolly. but i know she'll win. afternoon came and we went to my house to wait for the others to arrive. they arrived. chipoy and earl arrived. the two later boys wanted to see the porn for themselves but wasn't in the mood so we watched something rated r instead: dorm daze. it got us laughing. fun. then, i sort of got the drift that they were getting hungry so i bought them siopao and ice cream, because ezra wanted ice cream and i couldn't say no. hell no i couldn't. we ate went back upstairs and watched another rated r. movie: getting it. haven't really watched it yet but i watched it together with the gang. was fun after all. it was already seven and they had to leave and once again i am soo left alone. with my sister in baguio and mom somewhere else, and my friends gone...T_T, i could only wallow in my misery.

today i woke up nice. i look forward to more days with my friends. they put fun in my life and it's with them that i become someone with a someone else. someone not alone and complete. that's no drama bullshit, dude. i'm telling it the exact way i feel. well, i wrote really long, huh? im sort of making up for not posting regularly as i used to. end here. xxx

My Identity Crisis

For the record, I've never been someone who has ever doubted the nature of her identity. And when I say identity, I mean something being related to gender. And with regards to gender, I've always been sure that I'm everything a girl is. That is, when I met this really amazing girl. Shit. Talk about gay.

Well, when I first saw her, there was nothing really. But I did want to talk to her. And when I got to, I thought she was realy interesting because she has this thorough opinion about everything. It was when I got to know her that I realized I might be heading into the road where gays, lesbians, bisexuals and deviant genders trod...When you talk about looking gay, I'm far from that because I dress like a girl, I walk like a girl (better that most girls in fact), I talk like a girl and I'm in love with Mr. Darcy...who is a man but is not real.

Well, for starters. She's different. SHe loves to be different. She sings, she dances, does the fucking moonwalk, writes serious deep bloody and pretty nasty stories, she speaks with conviction and she's probably the sweetest person I've ever known. She hates conventionalism, like I do. She's a perfect rockstar because she plays every fucking instrument you give her. She's into history and political science and she loves what's-his-name rodrigo. When you try to spell looks, she's beautiful, her eyes just drown you and her smile is perfect.

omigod. i really got it bad, don't i? shit. i absolutely do not have any bloody idea what to do? im sure im not gay but every time i see her, the world just falls around me and it makes me feel like an insane love-sick teenager. i always look for her when she's not around and i feel butterflies whenever she is and i feel like im falling in love with her. and the best part of all this is she's a bisexual. i've told my new friends about it and they said it's all just a phase. hmm, i bloodly hope they're right. because frankly, i don't think im cut out to be gay. im just way too girly to fall in love with my own sex.

well whatever. i just had to write it down.

The Saturday that Sorta SUCKED

well, first i want to say sorry for posting really late but the saturday im referring to was last August 18. it sucked...but not really "sucked" sucked. the middle of the day was really fun. but the beginning and the end part, allow me to just scoff.

well i woke up at 5:30. slept again. woke up again at 6:00. i had tryst with hannah and lori that we would meet at jolibee at 6:30. I arrived 6:45. Jolibee wasn't yet opened so Lori (who arrived a minute before me) and I stood outside to wait for Hannah. 6:50, there was no hannah. 7:00, jolibee opened, no hannah. so we went inside and this lady who had a phone but can't send a message because she couldn't see asked me to type the message for her. it would have been easy if her cellphone wasn't such a difficult piece of crap. I couldn't write a word without mispelling it. Personally, it irked me but the lady asked me nicely and I couldn't very well turn her down. So after I sent the message to her friend named "GWAPA", hannah finally arrived and we rode a jeep to talamban, hoping we could still make it to the 7:30 attendance check.

so we arrived at 7:36 or something and looked everywhere to find our "EXCELLENT" PE teacher only to find jo and gierine. gierine was hungry so the five of us proceeded to the canteen where I strangely ate breakfast. Strangely because I didn't think I'd be hungry that morning considering the six balls of siomai i consumed the night before. ugh, and i remember that pineapple juice i spilled on the jeep. well anyway, so we waited until eight. still no teacher in sight. then it was announced on-air that we should all proceed to the field. we all did. 8:35, attendance was finally checked. so much for fucking 7:30. we danced and sucked at the same time, the others were good though.

we all wanted to leave but our "EXCELLENT" PE teacher said there was still a second around and that our presence will be checked a second time. it all ticked us off but we had to stay. 11:30 and we got asked to go back to the field. and we were made to sing the national anthem and that stupid fucking high-pitched USC hymn. oh and before that our PE teacher told us we had to go back at 1:00 for the costume. maybe it was *BITCH* day because we were again bummed out that we still had to stay until one. and then after we sang, our "EXCELLENT" (oh and did i mention that she was pregnant) PE teacher changed her TWISTED mind and re-scheduled the claiming of the costumes to THREE 'OCLOCK. now if we were bummed out at one, imagine how we actually felt when it was changed to THREE. GOD! forgive me for using Your name in vain but at that moment i just wanna jump at that teacher and pull off all her hair. she actually ruined all my plans for the afternoon. i know it's selfish but i don't want changing my plans. it REALLY REALLy REALLY made me fuckin mad that i cursed her in my mind from the time i got home to the time i arrived at talamban.

So we had 30 minutes left for ART, it's like a play that we all HAD TO watch. but don't mistake me as one of them, because even if we didn't have to, I WOULDN'T fucking miss it. So we arrived in time...sorta...and there were no more chairs that could get us a really nice view. thankfully, hannah found some and we got settled. the play was amazing. it starred only three characters, played by Ricky Davao, Michael de Mesa and some other guy who was probably in his early forties but was still really good-looking. there was only one set, too. the setting was simple, yet elegant and everything ended well.

the play was about 3 friends. Serge, the deep-thinking, impressionist-art-lover, man-of-his-time art collector, Mar, the shallow-and-narrow-minded, ill tempered what-was-his-job? and Jun, the airheaded, no-opinion something-to-do-with-paper employee. quite the attraction of the opposites huh? so serge bought this vallardo original for 200,000 pesos. it was 4 by 5 white canvass, with white background, and some diagonal white lines and a straight horizontal white line. if you look at it, you wouldn't believe it was worth all that money because it's technically just a white piece of wood with lines. But Serge, who has this really deep personality, considered it worth it. But MAr got really furious, thinking that serge had gone insane. he actually referred to the painting as "a white piece of shit". that pissed serge off and they parted off fighting.

so mar went to jun, jun went to serge. he tried to bridge the fight but only worsened it. he told mar he agreed that it was "shit" but he told serge the opposite. so they got into a really terrible shithole which jun, in the end while crying, referred to as "the trial period". the only thing that resolved the fight was jun's feltic pen. serge threw it to mar, as if to tell him that "go write something on that white piece of shit." and prove that their friendship was more important than the painting. so mar went and drew a man skiing. the play ended with mar and serge taking the drawing off the painting with some solution that paula (mar's wife) suggested. then mar looked at the painting once more and finally, as if by storm, appreciated it.

so after the play, i met with my new and old classmates. in the end, i had dinner in Mang Inasal with Earl and Richmond. I swear I could feel green eyes upon us. i mean me having dinner with two of the most handsome guys in high-school, how lucky could i get? so my day was getting better. until i got home and lost my temper over my stupid nail polish. i cried a bit, just to release the anger and set off for the ship.

hmmn, that was pretty much it. a sucky saturday. please allow me to fucking scoff.

Wordless Thoughts

My words are lost and I don't know where to find them.

It's been a good five months since I've written anything and every time I begin to write a letter, I develop this funny thing inside my stomach, and suddenly the words begin to disappear. It maybe the so-called "Writers' Block" or it may also be that I never was a writer after all. I mean, retrospectively, what have I written? All those beautiful words stolen from beautiful writers, all those unfinished stories, all those lies? I'm supposed to show the real me in my words but those are gone. Maybe I'm not going to find out who I really am after all.


So lately I've been thinking about writing a whole new chapter of my writing career. Something out of scratch, something that I will read ten years later and boast to my friends that "I wrote this crap". Love stories are where everybody starts. But I don't want to write love stories anymore because every time I do, it always ends unfinished. And I know why. Because I've never been in love. I though I had but I hadn't. It's funny how the words wouldn't come when you're writing something that never happened. It's like a writing law that's been there. Nobody knows it exists but it does and it stops people from writing what they're not. And I respect that law so I'm not going to write anything about love unless I know what it really is, unless I've experienced what people say as "painful happiness"

I can't write about life either. Not because I don't have one but because I'm still 16 and I still have a lot to learn about the world. I've been bragging about how mature I am but the truth is I'm as juvenile as any other kid my age. I also will not write about death. Not because I'm afraid of it but because I've never seen it. I know it and remember it but I haven't been as close to death as a lot of people had been.

I will write however of beauty and strenght and courage.Because I know that even if I don't look the part of a major character in a fairytale, I'm still part of a story. A story that has yet to be written and may have already been written. I don't know where the words will take me, how pauses and periods would make me, but I'll keep on living like Cinderella and Snow White. I will face my own evil-step-mother with courage and I fill find my prince. Or, I will wait for him to come because that is what damsels-in-distress do. But I am not a damsel-in-distress. I am not a spunky princess either. I'm caught in between, between lying in my glass coffin waiting for the kiss to wake me up and riding on a horse in hopes of finally having that fateful meeting where I will touch the hand of a boy and know that he's the one.

I will write of frustration. Because that is what I have. I will put to words the strange moments when I cried just because I have run out of reasons or the time when I threw everything because I lost. ANd then I will write about how I smiled again, and the reasons why. About how I picked everything and tried to fix it. About the times when I spent too much that I almost pawned the necklace that my mom gave me.

I will write about impossible dreams and ambitions. About me being a Japanese singer and marrying a Japanese long-haired actor in a red hoodie and cargo pants. About having the perfect hair, loosing my imperfections and just being perfect while I breathe on the chest of my guy, feeling his hands on my waist as we dance along the melody of some old love song. I will write about having a car and walking around the mall with my friends, with people staring and admiring my perfection. I will write about me making a movie with Billy Zane, Daniel Radcliffe, Leonardo di Caprio and Zac Efron.

In all possible ways, I will write about me. About the million reasons why I make a good person. I will make a list of the people I love and make another list of the reasons why I love them. I will write about the books that I thought was about me, was for me...about the writers whose works I called my own. I will write words about words, about wordless thougths and wordless reasons. About songs and music and melody and keys. I will write about my loneliness, my selfishness, my imperfect perfect self.

I will eat words, chew them and feel them swirling inside me and I will let them out at the perfect moment where I could just sit, smell the rain and be a "true" writer. And then when my words get lost again, I will find them everywhere, in the stories of my favorite authors, in the magical kingdoms of my favorite fairytales, in the smallest experiences that make my life "a life". And if they come to me at last, I will take a pen, a paper, turn on my computer, and I will scribble them so they never get away from me again. But if I don't find them, I will simply take my clothes off, wait for the rain to come and dance and laugh and cry in it naked. I will stay naked and wet and incomplete until I find them. I will wait for the right words, true words and when they finally find me...I will surrender.

5 things i have to do to loose weight

5. Regulate my diet. No fastfood, no sweets, no softdrinks, no additional rices and cut off my intake of meat.

4. Walk every afternoon home. It's a good one kilometer walk which is perfect.

3. Possibly jog around Fuente Circle every morning before six.

2. Do jump ropes while im at it. Might loose me some flab in the arms.

1. When im craving for food, help myself with some crackers. No fats, just carbs.

Fuck! i am so tired of hearing people telling me how fucking fat i am. i watch tyra and i get inspired by her but it's not what happens in reality. people still can't accept that i'll always be extra fucking fat. so im taking this up a notch. they want skinny---> i'll give them anorexic. kidding aside, if everything else fails, i can always resolve to..

PILLS.

College Days

Today's the 19th of June. Almost a week since the start of classes (?). I know I vowed to update on the first day but that was impossible. haha, i had a lot of crises during first day. first, the room crises. i didn't move to the room that I paid for til saturday, last saturday. so anyway, I wasn't really that pissed because I had really cool roommates. One was Ate Lourdes. Man, she is a 100 and 1 percent talker and sociable. well she just talks. haha, fortunately i was a good listener so we learned to like each other. i also had two other roomates. one is ate edelyn and ate hazel. they're from Bacolod and they're already working. I love the three of them.

so talking about first day, we had no classes the whole day. Not one of the teachers showed up except for Mr. Alota, who marked all our block absent because the student council decided to have mass on his period. ugh! well anyway, second meeting turned out fine. made a lot of friends. some good, some not soo good. some rich and most not so rich. A LOT have guts while few don't.

Hmmn and I got fucking lost last 12th, it was horrible! i was on my way home on a jeep, was suppoosed to get off at COlon but i totally passed the frickin place without noticing and reached all the way to somewhere dark and freaky and unheard of. so i rode a jeep again and probably walked then and here for 25 minutes before I was able to ride a taxi by intentionally risking myself to get hit.

oh and im also doing my own laundry and ironing! it's so cool that im doing it. and im watching deathnote right now. it's one of the CRAZIEST and ENTERTAINING anime ever made. i know i always say that but the story is WAY too twisted for an anime. *lol*

and

i miss my family back home

i hate to admit it but i really do. i miss my mom especially, my sister, my stepdad, my computer, my bed, my house, my dogs, everything Isabel. It's boring there but it's where i call home. i'd like to go home soon but I think that's not gonna happen. classes are starting to get started. it sounds crazy but that's college.

well that's all for now. i have to get home and watch some shinigamis. n_n

leaving

tomorrow morning i'll be leaving..setting my foot to new world. college, that is.

the feeling that im having right now is surreal. really, really weird. i don't feel excited though and i don't feel nervous either. im feeling just normal. which is weird because in my opinion, i should be feeling nauseous or nostalgic. heck, i don't even think i'll miss the house!

well anyway, im looking forward for new adventures, new companies, new experiences. im not looking for more fun, just different. my classes start at june 13 and i'll be posting on that day so when people read this when im dead, they'll know how i went through my awkward first day in college.

and also, i don't think im going to post more often because college days are busy days. i only have four classes though but the subjects are for two hours tops. but when i read my schedule, i was quite happy. happy with the subjects because they were all my favorites.

math? *lol* algebra and i love algebra. i don't think i'll be having problems with pe either because earl said we'll be dancing the whole semester. well i think that would be all. i have to turn in...got a boat to catch first thing in the morning.

see you first day!

FOOD TRIP!

these posts are fucking LATE.

May 30, 2007

At Petes.......



it wasn't really food trip at pete's because the food was nothing close to classy. it was a simple counter.style restaurant type of think..like what you do in an ordniary cafeteria. the food was cafteria-ish too. lol. but anyway, the food was good but what was better was their displays of antiques. there were really beautiful..from dolls to the sto. nino to birds to clocks--> got me clicking whole morning!


At RED Ribbon....



this cake is from red ribbon. it's like a pile of graham crackers, chocolate and cream--> it's so delicious!! it's called the

Chocolate Marjoliane

Fancy name, huh? Wait till u get a taste..lol

At the Venetian Coffee...



the venetian coffee was just a small cafe house near the movie theaters of sm but the food rocked! this was my dinner --> a "something fishy" sandwich and a St. Nicholas shake. Loved shrek 3 by the way!!


May 31, 2007

At the MAJESTIC..



Beautiful. Enough said, haha. The food was good too --> loved the bird's nest soup. oh i accidentally sent a quail egg siomai flying across the room. haha an Oops moments that NOBODY (except the poor lady who stepped on it lol) noticed. yay me.

My Reasons to Hate

Top 5 Reasons why I hate my SELF

5. im insecure just about anything (my weight, my face, me height, myself..name it and i suck at it)
4. i have a lot of psychological complexes. (i haven't had myself checked by a shrink but i know im insane)
3. I have no motivations, no inspirations, no drives. None at all. Nada.
2. I don't seem to finish what I start. At ALL. EVER.
1. I pretend. That is who I am ---> a fucking pretend.

Top 5 Reasons why I hate my MOM

5. She is so NOT cool.
4. She PRETENDS to be cool. --> and she pretends to know everything!
3. She has no way of being affectionate to me and my sister.
2. She always finds reasons to take all her anger out on us.
1. She makes me feel ugly 95% of the time. (it's always an ALWAYS when we go to the mall and i have blouses that don't fit me because

I'm FAT

she always yells and raves about how ugly and FAT i am)

P.S.: I mean seriously, don't mothers usually tell their children how beautiful they are instead of making them feel INSECURE? Ugh! More often that not, I feel like I should have been born to someone else...whatever. But of course my mom. She IS after all my mother. But there are just really a lot of times when she gets under my skin.

Top 5 Reason why I hate my SISTER

5. She THE laziest freak ever!!
4. She never listens to me
3. SHe thinks she's so smart
2. She is VERY and i mean VERY vulgar (no sense of fashion, no interest in class...pfft!!)
1. She is the MOST sarcastic bitch ever. Once she goes sarcasric all of a sudden, i always feel the urge of taking hold of a scissor and shaving her head off.

---that is all for now. I'm just really mad at this moments so I have to come up with this list. and if my mom or my sister should ever read this, then GOOD. at least they know they ruin my life once in a while.

disperas fun (?)

well we dined at torn's tonight because it was the disperas (the day before) the housing fiesta. I wasn't really planning to go but my sister forced me too. She looked really depressed so I went with her. My cousin Erika said she wasn't well so she didn't come with us. I thought it would be boring. Funny how wrong yet right I was. Yeah, I know. I'm being repetitive and plagiaristic (is there such a word?) again.



Well anyhow, charlotte was there too. When Torn showed up with her, I immediately felt uneasy because we had this notion about her being really stupid and stuff. We got to talk to her, more importantly I got to talk to her. They were wrong. I was wrong. The Charlotte that we all backstabbed was actually really sweet and nice and she had a really beautiful smile. And I loved how her eyes twinkle when she laughs. I know sound really lesbian right now but whatever. I liked her. End of story.

And I got drunk. Probably in the most drunken state I have ever been. Dolly was there and we drank maria clara together. I had fun talking with her even though there were times when we would just pause and get embarrassed because we have run out of things to say. Oh and we also talked about the fiesta tomorrow and how our parents harmonize in the thought that we invite everyone and get no invites back. True. There was only one person who was decent enough to invite me - Earl. I didn't really expect he would. He didn't say it to me personally but I just felt that he really wanted me to come. Too bad I won't.

And I had another soliloqy. I read this essay by Julia (one of the best writers i've ever come across the net) entitles this will be enough. it just managed to make me cry, made me realize how stupid and bland i've been. it inspired me to write so I tried to write again this morning. And I cried because I still can't write a single fucking sentence. I don't really know what's wrong with me. Maybe because I've come to accept that I should find my own story to write. And that's what I would do...hopefully..

the story of a girl

This is the story of a girl who thought she was beyond ordinary, who thought she was above everything, above all else. A girl who thought she could have everything she wanted, be anything she wished to be, do everything in one minute everything a person could do in an entire lifetime. This is a story of a girl who thought she found herself. A story of a girl who only thought...
She had swollen pimples that colored like the late rays of the afternoon sun, hair that scattered like the grasses in a California valley. She had the lips that spoke lies that were white as the clouds she loved to watch in windy mornings, the hands that wrote the world she thought she belonged to. She had eyes that were as black as the 3:00 light that made her restless, as deep as the waters she thought she could swim, and as untrue as a two year-old telling her mother about her fairy friends.

She smiled with love and joy, her pain and hatred all lurking behind, screaming for her to let them out, wishing she would finally accept them as her own. She laughed with easiness, as if wishing it could free her. She wrote stories that weren't her own and spoke of truths that didn't exist. She was a liar, a faker, a poser, someone unreal, invisible and imaginary.

She didn't exist in the real world.

Nobody really knew who she was, what she wanted or where she's going. She's just a sad, lonely girl stealing the dreams of other people, fooling herself that she could make herself happy, that she was good enough, that she was real. But she isn't, she might never be... She just sits there, dreaming of the rain, wishing it could make her disappear, wishing she could fall and have somebody to catch her. But nobody ever will. Because nobody knows where she is. Nobody.

She would close her eyes and keep her tears from falling. She would open them, hoping she could see someone that would look back and find her. She would let herself get lost in her dreams, a world so full of colorful lies and wonderful treachery that it was impossible for her to leave it.

She hoped of meeting people that could one day discover her. People who would see through her walls and are willing enough to break them just to see her, just to see how beautiful she really is. But as every second passes, that hope of ever finding herself gets further and further. Someday, it will go too far that nobody, not even herself, will remember it. And she'll be locked up forever. Undiscovered and unloved.

One day she will find herself walking along the seashores, the sound of the sea deafening her into silence, the sun blinding her into perpetual joy that she would think that she had finally found somewhere to belong. One day she will smile with the truth, laugh that would finally set her free. One day she would find herself dancing in the rain, while taking someone's hand and hearing the words "I love you"

One day she will soar to the sky and fall like a meteor, waiting for beautiful calloused hands to catch her. One day she will stand in a stage and tell the people the truth. One day she will hold a pen and a paper and write a story that she would call hers. One day, she will find the courage to destroy the walls that she built, and be able to finally cry with a reason. That day will come, that I am sure.

And when that day finally comes, she would look at herself in the mirror and be happy for the first time and tell herself, "I am good enough"

messy me

i've been squabbling over and over again. i can't help it. i've been really irritable these past few days and the frickin temperature didn't help either. i've been reading different stuff and watching a lot of movies and videos. i've been especially infuriated with my torrents which kept dowloading on and off. just like now. i really hate to wait. ugh! i just have to let it out!!

the view outside the window

yesterday, we went to my grandma's baranggay to celebrate their fiesta and i re-found this room which had a window. and when i opened that window, i found only one thing -- peace.









when i opened that window, suddenly i just felt peaceful, something that i haven't felt since our beach party. the wind was really cool, making you relax and stuff and the clouds were just beautiful. the scenery, the ricefield and the lake was really breathtaking. it just makes you want to just stay there and watch it for eternity. my cousins were there too and we had a great time talking about a lot of things.

when night came, we had fiesta dinner and watched ouran out of boredom. the temperature was "how-could-anyone-possibly-live-in-this-kind-of-heat" hot and there was no elbow room to breathe. there were probably about twenty kids running and screaming and driving you out of your mind! i was really loosing it. so then we went to the pageant. compared to last year, this year was really lame even when they've incorporated this stupid white screen that kept flashing the same thing every twenty minutes. and the hosts didn't even know english themselves. the candidates were stupid as usual and the whole thing was just pointless. the dance could have been nice but we didn't go because we had a kill joy in our party. fuckin sister. and i also accidentally deleted my files on my calendar. i wouuld have cried right then and there but i remembered that i still had my blog. whatever. well we went home and talked about things 'till 3 am.

morning came. breakfast. then we went home. that's it. apart from that view on the window, the whole thing was boring, senseless and just stupid.

at the dinner table

i just realized when i ate with my parents just a while ago that maybe being away from them for a long time might be one of the best things that could ever happen to me. i hate it when they're around. it's like im cooped up and i can't go free and i hate that kind of feeling.

and they're calling me things that i really don't like to hear and they patronize like hell. when we were eating and my mom handed me this shrimped and i said no because i wanted to eat the dried fish, she called me "uwat". in english "picky". i hate that word because i have known myself to be flexible and i would have eaten that shrimp without any complaint. i wasn't even complaining! good thing woke up in good shape this morning. otherwise, i wouldn't have been able to push my anger down my throat and started answering back.

and my stepdad. although he's a good man, he should have realized that calling other people fat, especially someone as sensitive as me, is very very damaging. and did my mom defend me? no! she actually agreed and told me that i was no use and that all i did in the house was eat and sleep. well what does she suppose i am to do? run around the town? fuck myself until i die? u know that is just what i want to do when they're around. i want to die. because having no freedom for me is death.

i cannot wait to be away from them. right now i just hate the two of them to my bone. god help me.

My Own Psychoanalysis

Lately, i've been wondering what's wrong with me because i've been daydreaming too much and i've done something that i think isn't what normal people would do. i've heard inferiority complex twice this week and it didn't go away in my head and i thought maybe it was a sign that i might have this pyschological disease or something. i looked it up and what do you know...i do have it..had it..only when i was young.

when i was eight years old, i believed i had inferiority complex. i developed multiple personality disorder, yes most people commonly call it "split personality". aside from myself, there were two other identities living inside me. the real me was good enough, had opinions of my own and was really composed. but i was in the middle between right and wrong.

the right was named "kynah". she was too good and took over the body when we were at school. she would do everything her friends told her to. from treating them every recess to giving them the up-er-hand at the playground. she couldn't defend herself from the bullies so she actually joined them. those who didn't were frequently ridiculed, made fun of and laughed at. she wanted to help but she was too helpless and did not do anything for she was too good. Probably too good to be anything real.

the wrong one was named "kyla" as far as my memory can hold.she was the one who always had the guts to fight..the one who always encouraged us that we had to defend ourselves from people who hurt us. i had nothing to say but kynah was 100% against it. she was scared, so was i but kyla was never afraid. so when we went to third grade, she took over. she did a lot of brave and stupid things. faked most of her friends, stole a lot of stuff and even went as far as actually using God to defend her. that year was the worst year of my life because when kyla got caught, she left me. kynah also left me. left me alone to answer there severities...

and that was where i grew up, where i learned my place and my stand. i could say that i experienced half of my life in third grade and finally, i lost my inferiority complex and i was myself again.

a lot of years passed and ive learned that i wasn't inferior at all. and in fact, i was superior than most of the others. i was second year high-school when i developed another psychological disease. looked it up and it was called "superiority complex" --> something that arises from inferiority complex. *lol* well, that makes sense, doesn't it? right now im trying hard to loose any complex, i just want to be me. no inferiorities, no superiorities. Just me. but im finding that it's starting to be really hard to do that because i'm really, really insecured. about everything. i hope i can get through this.

im glad to be actually writing this because once i turn 40 and read this stuff, i'll learn that i've matured earlier than the rest. that i know myself better than anyone. that i know what i want and what i need. and even though i may not be mentally healthy, at least i'm living my life the way i'm supposed to. and someday, hopefully someday, i might find who i really am..

Just something random...

i had two things yesterday: fun and a busted lip.

well, first the fun. yesterday was klyde's birthday so we went for a little swim in water world. oh and would you believe that the "knights of the altar" of our parish thought the same thing and ended up swimming in the same spring-pool with us. oh and joshua was there too. i wanted to talk to him but i didn't want to initiate so nothing weird happened. we had fun because the water was cool and we constantly drowned our cousin maxene to teach her to swim. boy that girl had her guts! i mean she sanked three times in the row and was still managed to grin when she surfaced. haha, talk about family.

second, the busted lip. well, we were playing hagubol. (hagubol: a game which we, ourselves, well, my cousins invented. the "it" will seek the ball from anyone in the circle and the person who touched the ball before the "it" succeeds to touch it will be the "it" Get it?) so we had no ball then so we used a coke can. the game was going will when my super-excellent bright and charming sister threw the ball directly at my frickin lip! oh god! the pain! ahh! i so hated her! but im not really that angry, she didn't mean it after all. so my lip bled a little and before i knew it, it started to swell and now i've got a lip as big as a bean bag! ha! what happy day!

and my hair got frickin worse. well i don't even think i should call it hair but a big ball of frizz. im going to janet's this morning to ask if they can do anything to fix it up. i don't want looking like a mess in stipay's birthday or when i enroll in san carlos. i wanna look my best. haha. so gotta stop here. got a lot of things to do>

p.s: just finished watching Ouran High-School Host Club. I loved it! It's about a girl named Haruhi who disguises herself as a guy and got in the Host Club whose members are like the most popular guys in the richest school in Japan. I loved Tamaki! You know, if such a guy would exist, someone emotional and true and caring...oh my god...i would definitely, most certainly would do anything to snag him. Lolz...

thinking out loud...

i've been thinking a lot lately. lots of stuff. lots of dreams.

my good friday was supposed to be good but it wasn't. i had a tantrum and would have killed my own sister right then and there. well anyway, i don't wanna talk about it. i don't want to talk about my thursday either, which didn't turn out so good as well. my friends were supposed to come over and have our last chat together...before the soccer team leaves for the Palaro and Steffi goes back to Luzon. But something unexpected happened...rain.

it was funny but i couldn't find it in myself to hate the rain. i simply told myself maybe there was a reason why we weren't able to gather. i hate to write it down but at that same thursday, after ezra called, i found myself staring at the phone, my heart racing. i didn't want to think i was hoping he would call back, like he said he would, but somehow i knew that he wouldn't. true enough, he didn't. but i don't want to ask myself "why" anymore because it only hurts me more. instead, i prayed silently and asked god to help me get over the things that were bothering me.

three straight days. couldn't sleep, couldn't think of anything else except him. i am so tired of going back to this phase over and over again. and not only does it hurt twice, it's also getting frequent. today, i went with my mom to go and do the station of the cross. i had no idea how rough it was going to be. i thought it was just one of the processions. turns out i was mistaken. we had to walk, then neil, then walk and neil again. imagine us doing that for 14 times. i know i sound whine-y but im not really complaining. after all, i owe Jesus that much of a sacrifice. i was trying to start a new chapter of the fictions i created a year ago but found no way of doing that. i read the five people you meet in heaven but my whole body was sore so i slept in the whole morning.

well, i wrote this entry not because i want to but because i felt like i need to. these past few days have been hard on me. my heart, my mind, my soul...i feel like they're all against me. i don't want to get hurt again but somehow, hurt is all i get. i'm not blaming anyone for the pain. i don't even blame him. i know i have to feel this way and now that i am, im getting sick and i want to break free. and yet, even so, there's a little part of me that wants to hold on.

so this morning, after our strenous stations of the cross, i prayed to God and asked him for a sign. signs. he doesn't know it's the biggest thing we have in common. he says he believed in signs...but signs are what makes my faith. i believe in God because he gave me signs, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't if he didn't. i made a pact with God. i told Him that if he wouldn't call before Monday or if we don't see each other that same day, i would forget everything that i feel and move on. i know it isn't easy but that's the only sign i have to believe in.

and if signs do exist, well maybe a chance between the two of us exist as well...

fucked up

i am so tired. i can't sleep, i can't eat and i can't fucking control my anger. god i am just so pissed off right now i wanna kill her, strangle her and choke her to her fucking death

god i am just so angry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her

i only fucking curse when im overwhelmed with happiness, when im fucking confused or when im really fucking fed up with anger and this last fucking straw!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

god im not the calm type of person. im a fucking hothead so don't use fucking sarcasms to fuck me off or i will fuck you up. god i just want to kill her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Frienship

i can't stop thinking last night...i almost found it hard to close my eyes and sleep.

i kept thinking about what i said, to my friends, especially to ezra. i thought maybe i held back a little, that i haven't really told them the whole story, the whole of what i kept in my heart for so long. when we went to that beach last saturday, i cried the whole night and couldn't sleep. i wasn't really sure if it was because i was sad that these wonderful people would someday leave me for good or if it was because i was overwhelmed with happiness because, after all these years of search, i finally understood what friendship really is. it was after when i actually talked to God that i realized that i was crying because of both.

when i came to llci, i came to learn. that was what i always thought. i didn't like the place when i came there because the people were snobbish and looked very cold, if not arrogant. so all i did was focus on my studies because that's what i thought high-school was about. you know, learning what makes stuff move, why these, how those...random things. so during first quarter, i rose to the top and everyone talked about it. i get to have my 30 seconds of fame after all. so then, the four of us (dolly, michelle, pheby and myself) were called to ms. sunit and she demanded a decision: will we stay...or leave? that time, i already made friends with section b so it was really hard to choose. but then i thought that maybe there's more to section a than section b always described to us. it was a scary place, they say. i was a little afraid but i decided to transfer anyway.

so section a it was: the big scary place where i found the most beautiful people that ever existed. i was seated next to ezra who took the confidence out of the deepest nook that i hid them. i guess he deserves my biggest thanks for making me a person i never thought i was, someone confident, someone outspoken, someone real. it took me so long to discover who i really am and then he came and i realized that it was through this boy that i discovered myself. we grew really close and he introduced me to steffi and carl. i just can't help but smile when i remember those silly things we used to do when we couldn't do anything else. days passed by and one day i just realized that i had something else for ezra, something more than friendship. i wouldn't call it love because i don't think i was apt, for my age, to feel such a strong emotion for someone i just met over a quarter. but i did like him. and then he started calling me every night and we would talk until 4 am. he told me a lot of secrets, so did i. he treated me more than a friend but i knew he felt nothing towards me beyond that. i was never a person who expects something more so i just kept everything to myself. i've always been jealous. not because of ezra, but i was jealous OF ezra. it was because he found it very easy to talk to people and he was always popular. he always manages to smile and be cool and stuff like that. everybody liked him. but even so, he was one of the best friends ive had and i couldn't do anything to hurt him. there were times when i really hated his guts, him for accusing of things and making me take the first move to say sorry. i was always a person of ego but when it came to him, even i could swallow my pride.

third year he stopped calling and there was a time when i was really, really hurt that i struggled to find ways to forget him. then i had mark. i couldn't say i used him because at one time, i felt the same way for him as i did for ezra. he was a nice guy and he makes me feel really special. so i was thankful that slowly, my feelings for ezra decreased but i couldn't deny that they were still strong. fourth year came and i was glad we weren't classmates. at the later quarters, the feelings STOPPED. I look at him and i don't see that same things as when i do when i was still attracted. he touches me and i don't feel anything. it's like they just disappeared. and i don't look for him anymore and i don't look at the phone wishing he would call. and i was pretty happy that i managed to let him go, let myself go.


end of the year came and graduation day where i cried all my heart out.god, i couldn't stand the truth that sooner or later, i might not be with my friends anymore. so we went to the beach and had our last official party where we had an open forum and allowed our secrets to pour out. everybody thanked me but it's me that should be thanking them. i might have lost a good 2000 pesos or so but i've gained a moment with my friends where i could tell them how much i love them and care for them and that i would willingly, with all my heart, exchange all the material things i have just to see them smile and hear them laugh. at the end of the day, when i went to bed, i thanked God for giving me these people and for the whole new light he gave to what we all call 'friendship'.

it was in that blue van of dolly that i truly realized what it meant. it means pain and a lot of sacrifices. it means 3-hour talks and several wrestling sessions. it means falling in love over and over again until your heart is completely broken and just waiting for your friends to pick up the pieces and make you whole again. it means jokes that either hurt or tickle. it's all about movie marathons and sleepovers. it involves a lot of food, pancit cantons and cokes. it's about being there for each other and being free to make mistakes. it's about being imperfect and being loved for those imperfections. friendship is about posing for the camera and getting the picture whole. it's about forgiving yourself and forgiving your friends, about hugs and kisses, about discovering each other. friendship is the best thing you could have in your life especially when you share it with very wonderful people. to steffi, panyang, gael, ytel, dara, pamila, shiela fe, dolly, jaye, alyssa, michelle, caren, angela, emmylou, ezra, francis, raymund, earl, richmond, antonieto, mark and to my other friends...i hope you know how i love you guys and how HAPPY i am to experience the true meaning of high-school with you. we will soon
part ways but i know that as long as we remain friends, we will always be just within reach.

oh and i've come up with this equation: high-school = friendship

just want you all to know that kung manglayas mo sa inyong balay, kung masirad-an mo, kung kigutom mo or kung la lang mo'y lingaw, just knock and shout sa balay and i'll welcome you. i always feel light, happy, something that i don't think any word can describe or express, when you guys are here sa house, just chilling. i'll miss you all. i hate goodbyes but they are a part of life so as much as i hate to type it down, i know i have to. goodbye.

nice morning

i woke up nice this morning. i don't know why, i just did.

the sun was warm when it hit my face. i didn't really like it because it hurt my eyes but it was alright. my cellphone rang 7:00 which i thought was too early so i thought maybe i'd re-watch cinderella 3 again, which i did...but only played my favorite scenes. oh and i am such a frickin genius. when i watched it for the first time, and heard the prince's voice for the first time, eric (from little mermaid) immediately crossed my mind. the thought pestered me so i looked it up on the internet. f***! i was F**king right! oh and i also think that cinderella's singing voice is the same as pocahontas'. i haven't looked it up yet but my instinct says im right and my instinct is rarely wrong. well anyway, i now take back the thing when and where i said that cinderella and snow white are insignificant fairytales. well i still think snow white is kind of stupid but i changed my mind about cinderella. you see, im not a really pessimistic person but i just don't think it's realistic that cinderella and snow white's princes fell in love with them with one frickin glance. i mean they're all basing it on physical beauty.. they don't even know who they really are until maybe they got married and stuff.

but cinderella 3 was different because it involved this really close interaction with her and the prince and this time, they really got to know each other. and for the first frickin time, cinderella had a pretty lovely plot to go through with. i simply and wonderfully done. and i fell insanely in love with the prince voice. it was so cute when he was like..."Ok...first blue birds and now mice"

well anyway, it's getting really hot in here so i better end this thing. well anyway, graduation's tomorrow. still not feeling it *sighs*

hunger!

im stuck yet again in the computer laboratory, making add layouts for our yearbook. it would have been okay if i ate something for breakfast but unfortunately, i didn't. crap! i am so fuggin hungry!

oh and by the way, today's our batch party. i haven't asked permission from my mom yet so im having second thoughts about going. i know she would understand but im really not in the party mood. and im just so giddy to have myself cleared. ugh! so much for being detained because of extra-curriculars. so unfair.

graduation's 2 days away but im not even feeling any thrill. it's like it would just be an ordinary day, like it wouldn't bear any significance at all, which it would because it IS graduation. what im excited about, instead, is the party we're having on the 31st. we're doing it on behalf of steffi, our good 'ol steffi.

*sighs* and aside from that, the reason why im writing this entry is because im practically bored. oh and i saw cinderalla iii last night! it was the BOMB!! i super super 100 gazillion times love it..haha i know im too old to be watching fairytales but i can't help it. i love them. i even watched snow white after. haha, i so hate her voice. well anyway, i had better stop here. i think im going to that party. im hungry anyways. YEs, yes and YES! I'm going there for food...haha *evil smirks*

Counting down our days...

...7.6.5.4.3.2.1. We're all counting down the days to graduation, the day where we can finally heave a really big sigh because we're free from all the hassles, the blues and the problems that is High-school. But no matter how ecstatic we might be, how happy we might seem, it is still undeniable that leaving LLCI would break a little piece of our hearts. After all, it's not easy accepting that the four beautiful years of being together will become a memory in no less than two weeks. But still, we can't help but count our days down...


We counted down the days since we were freshmen. Since the afternoon we recited "Money" in English class to the late afternoon practices for the Ifugao dance. we laughed with our friends until one of us could barely breathe. We told our crushes among ourselves, weaving small conspicuous blushes as we talk about waffy stuff. We brought our cameras and took pictures of ourselves while holding the broomsticks we used for cleaning our Area of Responsibility. We caught little green lizards and wielded them around to scare each other off. We held the children within us and slowly, together, we let them go.

We counted down the days when we were sophomores. When we got closer in Math class and eager to cut open a frog in Biology. When we couldn't care less about everybody else because we don't have anything to worry about. When we ate every afternoon and went home late talking. When all our days were carefree, when we wouldn't have to be insecured, when we started to realize we were growing up. When we did Ramayana and spent the whole night laughing and practicing. We had all the time in the world because either everything was too light or too heavy. We remember Palompon and our one-shot attempt to discover the world underneath. We also remember the time when we got really scared because it was getting dark and there was a coming storm. We started to encounter courage and responsibility and prepared to make it a part of who we are.

We counted down our Junior days. The time when we were all nervous during first meeting of Chemistry but found out that it was in fact a really fun subject. The time in Advisory class when Mr. Pacayra first told us about Prom and half of the class flipped. Everything got serious since then. We formed enmities between ourselves and found ways to renew our friendships. We fell in love almost everyday and asked our friends for advices. We kept our last-minute attitude and brought ourselves closer to our adviser. We stayed until midnight to build our ship and practice our speech. We screamed "Sail On" and together tasted victory. We allowed our pride to swell and quarreled with each other. But through it all, we still managed to laugh together. We practiced our cotillion and blushed when we held or when we were held. We imagined the perfect Prom and we planned it well. We got dressed in grandiose gowns and handsome suits and danced all night. We were so happy that we couldn't help but cry. We loathed our Junior days but we couldn't help but smile when we remember them. They were stressful and busy and insane and we love them and loathe them at the same time.

Eagerly, we counted our days down of being seniors. The time when all our jaws dropped when the heterogenous sectioning news came out. We made erroneous assumptions about how this was going to be the worst year of high-school. Funny how wrong yet right we were. We remember the afternoons we spent singing in the classroom, playing "truth or dare" in the grassy area and talking about how well our day went. We made groups that divided us and we talked about each other behind each other's backs. We made silly jokes and strangled each other. We drove each other crazy. We told each other our secrets and soaked ourselves in the rain. We played hide-and-seek and wrote stories. Together, we faced reality and decorated it with our dreams. We learned to understand each others' depth, accept each other's mistakes and hoped that nothing ever changes. We made pressumptions that caused us trouble and our tears fell together. We took each others' hand and assured that everything would turn out fine. We smiled together and asked each other to dance. We gave definition to friendship with colorful words. We opened our hearts to let everything sink in. We forced each other to believe this isn't the end but somehow we all know that it is. We all recognize the people we have become, the changes that have taken over us and the different pathways we know we have to travel apart. We'll all hold on to our insanity for a little while longer and when we're finally ready, we'll close our eyes together, smile and break free.


...7.6.5.4.3.2.1. We're all counting down the days to graduation, the day where we can all be glamourous in our togas with smiles that say "I finally made it happen". High-school has been a dream that we all believed in and have survived through. But after all the tears, the heartaches,the anger and the laughter, it's not necessary to count the days anymore. We'll all just have to live in it, savor it and treasure it as it still lasts.

finally an update

yey! i updated! yeah i knows it's been ages since i last wrote here..but i did have this terrible writers' block which lasted for like 3 months. *sighs* i even missed writing about prom which by the way was so wonderful. everybody looked like royalty and everything happened smoothly. too bad it ended too soon. i also had not wrote about the morning after. it was great coz we went swimming at the pool. i was with people i didn't know whose company is fun. i was with phillip, sweet, danielle, kenan, mitchell, michael, giovanni, torn, lju and my sister. we had a lot of fun although i really couldn't consider us friends...yet.

well, anyway...why am i writing now? i don't know. maybe i miss "letting the words flow" im in the computer room right now, looking for mecha robots we could put at the back of the yearbook where all our names would be written and all. last night was kind of unfortunate too because all our files got deleted because of my stupid flash drive slash iPod slash dwelling place of brontok viruses. i almost cried because i blamed myself. i mean we were working on that for three days straight. we wewre going to print it yesterday afternoon but then the virus thing happened.

well i sort of have to stop now coz i got a lot of robot-hunting things to do. ja'ne.

sick and tired. literally.

i am so tired.

ive been awake since 3 am to finish the questions for game ka na ba. today's teachers' day so i have to give a little sacrifice for the success of the program. just yesterday, i had another reprimand yet again because of our stupid id. i would have done the job if there weren't other thing i was concerned about. this week was just too hectic for me. oh and i got sick. i have this fuckin cold right now and my clogged nose is just throwing me off my back. and i have this stupid sports article to write. well till this here coz i still have a shitload of stuff to do.