I feel a very sharp pain but I don't know where it is. I've been tossing and turning in my bed but I still haven't figured out why I feel so sick. I haven't cried over nothing for so long and I guess I sort of miss the stupidity and silliness of it all.
I just got home from the first Misa de Gallo with my dormmates. I had been quite happy last night. I've been happy this morning. But when I got to Church, smelled that incense, felt the crowdiness that I hate when somewhere feels too full to have room for me, heard that melancholic O Holy Night from that violin, I knew I was going to cry sooner or later.
I was just going out to Church and I saw all these people talking, wearing different shirts, holding each other's hand, signing sheets, grumbling with anticipation of an early morning breakfast. I saw all these trees that towered over us, seemingly enveloped by a eavenly halo brought about by the arriving of the sun. I thought it was beautiful. I thought that, that moment was a kind of awakening. I was drowning in a sea of people but it didn't take a second for me to realize that I was completely, horribly alone. I've never felt lonelier.
When I looked at the Crucifix earlier, I struggled to fight back my tears. I feel so heartbroken I could break down any minute. I need a Dad, a Mom, a best friend. I needed my family. I don't know if it's all the stress and emotional trauma taking a toll on me but I really feel sad. Really, really sad. I guess it all boils down again to that thing at this point I am 105% sure I suck at.
Pushing it doesn't make sense. I have proven a lot of times that he doesn't feel the same way about me. And it's okay. I've grown so used to rejection that I feel it's second nature to me now. It's just that being given the final straw, being shown that people think others are always better that me in the House of God, just, IT JUST DESTROYED ME. It kind of felt FINAL. And maybe it is.
I'll make sure it is.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Tuesday, November 02, 2010
Love and Horror
I just finished watching the Live Action series of Yamato Nadeshiko Shichi Henge. They kind of jammed everything, from the "first meeting" to well Kyohei's return to his home, in a 10-episode run, which was surprisingly, ENOUGH. They kind of geared towards a more romantic direction with it though, putting more focus on Sunako and Kyohei. Ah, lots of good romantic stuff for me!
The Live Action also featured Takeru, a character absent from the manga and the anime. He is the son of Obachan and kind of serves as the tranquilizer of the group when they get into their crazy moody fits and fights. He also provides an outlet for Sunako's caring and motherly tendencies and a foil to Kyohei's unstable childish character.
The manga and anime lean towards a more mature audience but Takeru and a considerable amount of comic side-punches and dialogue make the series something recommendable to family and friends.
The live action also succeeds in getting across its point about accepting the things you hate about yourself. It shines enough light on each of the complexes of the different characters and works each of them out smoothly, although Sunako's and Kyohei's are given the most attention. I also like the fact that at the end, they made Kyohei and Sunako realize their feelings for each other, a point the manga hasn't reached yet and something the anime doesn't explicitly imply. I'm not really sure I liked the way they did it though.
A candid-camera set-up? Seriously! Maybe in a sense it was effective but I thought it was not original nor creative. I loved the ending, though I would've loved to see more sweetness from Kyohei. But I guess it would be extremely OOC if he suddenly acted marhsmallow-ey to Sunako. And besides, it's what makes their love story unique.
All in all, this series got to me enough to make me want to update my blog haha. I've not recovered from my writing blocks yet but I'll probably ease out of it soon. Now, I just can't stop thinking of Kyohei (Kame) and Sunako (Oomasa Aya). :-)
Will end this post with a wonderful quote from the ever-cute feminine Tegoshi, who plays Yukinojo:
"The fear of love is like going to the pool for the first time in summer. At first, it's really cold and will only get colder as you put your whole leg in. The only way you can really shake the cold off is to dive completely in the water"
Monday, August 30, 2010
My Country is a Sad Place
I have always been envious of people who live in more well-off countries like the United States or Japan. Though not everybody can possibly claim to be rich there, they always seem to be: owning decent houses, driving decent cars and having decent money enough to buy grocery twice a week or plane tickets for a break in another country. Yes, I am envious because they are rich and because they can afford to stay rich.
When you go down that economic ladder of countries, you find those that are not often (if not at all) mentioned in movies or in the news, though they do grace the headlines once in a while. One such country is the one I sometimes consider a misfortune to call mine. Our government is a consistent entry in the Top Ten Most Corrupt in the World; our people who leave to work in other countries are not the doctors or the lawyers, they are the housemaids and the janitors; and the rest who stay are either dying to leave or clinging to what little is left of the dying concept of nationalism. Yes, my country is the Philippines. And my country is a sad place. A sad, sad place.
I could write about the string of governments that was the iceberg to our could-be-Titanic of a country. I could write about the series of administrations that had beautiful plans which later proved to be profligate endeavors. I could write about the succession of presidents that boasted of growth and development that we were not able to benefit from. I could write about the decades and decades of corruption, the billions of stolen money that taxpayers had worked hard for, the scandals of road projects and extravagant presidential dining expenses. I could write about all these, exhaust myself and still find no words adequate to give this whole barrage of facts justice. Our government is an inveterate failure of sorts, always promising to progress the sad present situation and ends up making it worse. I’ve no mind to defend it.
You would think that having a succession of weak inefficient governments for decades will somehow agitate our people into action. Indeed, it has. So much in fact that the lot of us packed our bags and moved out the country to look for more decent jobs. “There is no money here”, I would often hear from people who take up Nursing simply because they think this is the surest way to work abroad. Even rich people coerce their kids to study Nursing. Sure, you could bitchslap these people for being so materialistic but once you get into the details, you’ll find that there’s very little you can pinpoint on them. Karl Marx had said that material conditions determine consciousness and once again, he is right. Our people who work abroad are confined to the reality of their situation. Poverty written all over it. It is that reality, that thought of having no means of supporting your family that compels these people to allow themselves to be enslaved, or worse, maltreated by foreigners.
They are the ones who leave and then there are those who stay. Those who stay might be categorized in two: those who are dying to leave, waiting for the approval of their thrice-rejected visa and those who esteem themselves to be one of the few and very endangered species of nationalists left in the country. The former are those you find working in call centers, teaching temporarily or staying idly at home. They are the ones whose lives are uncertain, the ones who are always wondering if they will ever get something out of themselves. Then, there are the nationalistic ones. These are the people you find carrying placards and burning pictures and lighting candles and shouting on the streets. These are the people who fight for good governance, who rally for the betterment of the system, who march for justice. Students, church leaders, laborers and other sectors remain in this country to forward the change the rest of us are too scared to even begin. Amid that overpowering hegemony of music, movies, fashion and even philosophy and language, they are there to remind us that we have our own culture to like and subscribe to. They keep that dying flame of nationalism alive. If the rest of us stay as we are, passive and indifferent, then surely our country will lose its identity and we will all be what we are slowly becoming: bland and unoriginal.
I have not yet mentioned the most important sector in our country, the legs on which we stand on: the masses. There is a reason why I have not said anything about them. This is because I find myself inadequate, hypocritical even, to write about something I have no knowledge about. I cannot claim to have consciousness of what it’s like to beg on the streets, to sleep with your family on a trashy cardboard box, or to live in a cramped up hut feeling sorry for my children because I have nothing to feed them. I will not dare to write about having to sell myself on the streets, or having to steal that old lady’s necklace on the jeepney. I will not write about the ugly forms of poverty that I see, hear, and read everyday. No, that is beyond my ability to summon words. Poverty is beyond poetry or art. Nothing can make it beautiful; not a clever turn of phrase, not colors on a palette, not even that stoic smile people always attribute to themselves. Everything goes back to the government. If that part of the system is not remedied, then there can be no hope for the rest of us.
It is rather obvious that I have used only “Philippines” once and have not used “Filipino” at all. That is because I find it difficult to type the words and not feel broken-hearted at the same time. It is very hard to identify yourself with something that does not define you anymore. The word “Filipino” used to mean a person with principles, someone who is worth dying for. Now, it only means “domestic helper” or “prostitute”. The Philippines used to be a place of retreat, a green haven of unity, heroism, and love. Now, it is just a place of a worldwide hostage scandal, a country other countries are vigilant about. The Philippines is now the home of thieves, prostitutes and murderers. Yes, I am a Filipino. Occasionally, when I hear news about our country giving the world reason to think that we are stupid and foolish, I am ashamed to be called that way. Think me cynical, pessimistic or loathsome but I will not deny myself the freedom of declaring my disappointment in this country I have proudly called my home for twenty years.
Yes, my country is a sad place. But I have not let go of the hope that one day, I will take these words back and find something beautiful and happy to write about it again.
When you go down that economic ladder of countries, you find those that are not often (if not at all) mentioned in movies or in the news, though they do grace the headlines once in a while. One such country is the one I sometimes consider a misfortune to call mine. Our government is a consistent entry in the Top Ten Most Corrupt in the World; our people who leave to work in other countries are not the doctors or the lawyers, they are the housemaids and the janitors; and the rest who stay are either dying to leave or clinging to what little is left of the dying concept of nationalism. Yes, my country is the Philippines. And my country is a sad place. A sad, sad place.
I could write about the string of governments that was the iceberg to our could-be-Titanic of a country. I could write about the series of administrations that had beautiful plans which later proved to be profligate endeavors. I could write about the succession of presidents that boasted of growth and development that we were not able to benefit from. I could write about the decades and decades of corruption, the billions of stolen money that taxpayers had worked hard for, the scandals of road projects and extravagant presidential dining expenses. I could write about all these, exhaust myself and still find no words adequate to give this whole barrage of facts justice. Our government is an inveterate failure of sorts, always promising to progress the sad present situation and ends up making it worse. I’ve no mind to defend it.
You would think that having a succession of weak inefficient governments for decades will somehow agitate our people into action. Indeed, it has. So much in fact that the lot of us packed our bags and moved out the country to look for more decent jobs. “There is no money here”, I would often hear from people who take up Nursing simply because they think this is the surest way to work abroad. Even rich people coerce their kids to study Nursing. Sure, you could bitchslap these people for being so materialistic but once you get into the details, you’ll find that there’s very little you can pinpoint on them. Karl Marx had said that material conditions determine consciousness and once again, he is right. Our people who work abroad are confined to the reality of their situation. Poverty written all over it. It is that reality, that thought of having no means of supporting your family that compels these people to allow themselves to be enslaved, or worse, maltreated by foreigners.
They are the ones who leave and then there are those who stay. Those who stay might be categorized in two: those who are dying to leave, waiting for the approval of their thrice-rejected visa and those who esteem themselves to be one of the few and very endangered species of nationalists left in the country. The former are those you find working in call centers, teaching temporarily or staying idly at home. They are the ones whose lives are uncertain, the ones who are always wondering if they will ever get something out of themselves. Then, there are the nationalistic ones. These are the people you find carrying placards and burning pictures and lighting candles and shouting on the streets. These are the people who fight for good governance, who rally for the betterment of the system, who march for justice. Students, church leaders, laborers and other sectors remain in this country to forward the change the rest of us are too scared to even begin. Amid that overpowering hegemony of music, movies, fashion and even philosophy and language, they are there to remind us that we have our own culture to like and subscribe to. They keep that dying flame of nationalism alive. If the rest of us stay as we are, passive and indifferent, then surely our country will lose its identity and we will all be what we are slowly becoming: bland and unoriginal.
I have not yet mentioned the most important sector in our country, the legs on which we stand on: the masses. There is a reason why I have not said anything about them. This is because I find myself inadequate, hypocritical even, to write about something I have no knowledge about. I cannot claim to have consciousness of what it’s like to beg on the streets, to sleep with your family on a trashy cardboard box, or to live in a cramped up hut feeling sorry for my children because I have nothing to feed them. I will not dare to write about having to sell myself on the streets, or having to steal that old lady’s necklace on the jeepney. I will not write about the ugly forms of poverty that I see, hear, and read everyday. No, that is beyond my ability to summon words. Poverty is beyond poetry or art. Nothing can make it beautiful; not a clever turn of phrase, not colors on a palette, not even that stoic smile people always attribute to themselves. Everything goes back to the government. If that part of the system is not remedied, then there can be no hope for the rest of us.
It is rather obvious that I have used only “Philippines” once and have not used “Filipino” at all. That is because I find it difficult to type the words and not feel broken-hearted at the same time. It is very hard to identify yourself with something that does not define you anymore. The word “Filipino” used to mean a person with principles, someone who is worth dying for. Now, it only means “domestic helper” or “prostitute”. The Philippines used to be a place of retreat, a green haven of unity, heroism, and love. Now, it is just a place of a worldwide hostage scandal, a country other countries are vigilant about. The Philippines is now the home of thieves, prostitutes and murderers. Yes, I am a Filipino. Occasionally, when I hear news about our country giving the world reason to think that we are stupid and foolish, I am ashamed to be called that way. Think me cynical, pessimistic or loathsome but I will not deny myself the freedom of declaring my disappointment in this country I have proudly called my home for twenty years.
Yes, my country is a sad place. But I have not let go of the hope that one day, I will take these words back and find something beautiful and happy to write about it again.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Full Moon
It was a full moon last night. We watched when it rose in the sky. It was sooo beautiful!
Photos from the Carolinian Jam. The Bands were good, the music was exhilarating but I was tired so I couldn't say I enjoyed it.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Things I Gained from the Fire
12 Midnight. Everybody was getting ready to sleep. I, myself, already was. That was when my roommate suddenly woke me up, almost screaming, anxiety-turning-panic in her face.
"Fire!"
I jumped from my bed immediately and rushed to the window to see for myself. Indeed, there it was. A mountain of black smoke rising from powerful fat flames. The fire was not significantly far so we immediately called the attention of our other boardmates. They all ran to the room and took a peek from our window with wide, worried eyes. We deliberated whether or not we should start packing ourselves. And the alarm decided for us.
Hurriedly, I grabbed everything I could set my eyes on. My laptop first, then my school uniform and some clothes. I even managed to snuck in my vitamins and my facial regimens. I stuffed everything in my bag in a huge lump of mess, wrapped myself in a jacket, forgetting to put on my bra and ran downstairs with everybody. We were not really in a state of severe panic, but thanks to the continuous ringing of the alarm, we were quite on our way there. I texted my mom and told her about it. She told me to do what I already had done. When we were finally outside, we saw five or more fire trucks lined up at the front of our dormitory. They were very huge so they couldn't fit in that small pathway that led to where the fire was. That had us more worried.
We watched as everybody else got up, clad in their sleeping garments and jackets, bringing several bags that must have contained what ours also did. I was feeling quite the journalist, even though I knew I'm not cut out to be one, so I took out my temperamental almost-ready-to-break-down camera and took a few shots of everybody.
Dimples (the girl crouching down covered in a blanket) and her landlady.
We were unharmed, thankfully.
The fire from our window.
We asked some of the firefighters but they couldn't tell us what caused the fire or how big it spread yet.
When we were assured that the fire was not going to reach our dormitory, we walked around and found ourselves directly in front of the boarding house that went ablaze. By then, the fire had already died down.
We were thankful we hadn't lost anything by that incident. In fact, I gained these very important realizations:
1. You can never know when terrible incidents like fires, flood and the like will happen. And when they do, you should be ready.
2. You can never get complacent. Even if the fire was a little far back from our dormitory, we couldn't brush it off and simply say "that will never reach us" . You can't be sure of anything.
3. Things are a little easier when you go through terrible things with friends. God forbid, if that fire had reached us, I'm sure I wouldn't be so bummed out losing all those shoes, clothes, etc.. than if I had lost all those mentioned things and not have someone go through the same experience. That sounds selfish but I'm sure we would find a way to laugh things off.
4. You should always be careful. Dimples, the girl whose room the fire started, woke up suddenly and found herself surrounded by flames. Survival insticnt told her to get out immediately so she wasn't able to bring anything with her except that blanket she was shivering in. Nobody knows yet what caused the fire but it was most likely caused by something that overheated.
5. Pray. It gives you a feeling that everything will turn out okay in the end.
"Fire!"
I jumped from my bed immediately and rushed to the window to see for myself. Indeed, there it was. A mountain of black smoke rising from powerful fat flames. The fire was not significantly far so we immediately called the attention of our other boardmates. They all ran to the room and took a peek from our window with wide, worried eyes. We deliberated whether or not we should start packing ourselves. And the alarm decided for us.
Hurriedly, I grabbed everything I could set my eyes on. My laptop first, then my school uniform and some clothes. I even managed to snuck in my vitamins and my facial regimens. I stuffed everything in my bag in a huge lump of mess, wrapped myself in a jacket, forgetting to put on my bra and ran downstairs with everybody. We were not really in a state of severe panic, but thanks to the continuous ringing of the alarm, we were quite on our way there. I texted my mom and told her about it. She told me to do what I already had done. When we were finally outside, we saw five or more fire trucks lined up at the front of our dormitory. They were very huge so they couldn't fit in that small pathway that led to where the fire was. That had us more worried.
We watched as everybody else got up, clad in their sleeping garments and jackets, bringing several bags that must have contained what ours also did. I was feeling quite the journalist, even though I knew I'm not cut out to be one, so I took out my temperamental almost-ready-to-break-down camera and took a few shots of everybody.
Dimples (the girl crouching down covered in a blanket) and her landlady.
We were unharmed, thankfully.
The fire from our window.
We asked some of the firefighters but they couldn't tell us what caused the fire or how big it spread yet.
When we were assured that the fire was not going to reach our dormitory, we walked around and found ourselves directly in front of the boarding house that went ablaze. By then, the fire had already died down.
We were thankful we hadn't lost anything by that incident. In fact, I gained these very important realizations:
1. You can never know when terrible incidents like fires, flood and the like will happen. And when they do, you should be ready.
2. You can never get complacent. Even if the fire was a little far back from our dormitory, we couldn't brush it off and simply say "that will never reach us" . You can't be sure of anything.
3. Things are a little easier when you go through terrible things with friends. God forbid, if that fire had reached us, I'm sure I wouldn't be so bummed out losing all those shoes, clothes, etc.. than if I had lost all those mentioned things and not have someone go through the same experience. That sounds selfish but I'm sure we would find a way to laugh things off.
4. You should always be careful. Dimples, the girl whose room the fire started, woke up suddenly and found herself surrounded by flames. Survival insticnt told her to get out immediately so she wasn't able to bring anything with her except that blanket she was shivering in. Nobody knows yet what caused the fire but it was most likely caused by something that overheated.
5. Pray. It gives you a feeling that everything will turn out okay in the end.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Home
One of the best things in the world is waking up in the morning and finding yourself at home.
I've grown to love the city but I can never call it 'home' the way I always do with the province. This town might be boring and nothing ever happens here but I have always loved the silence, the solitude and the peace it brings to my soul. Being here is sort of like a detoxifying process. Living in Cebu clouds everything: my judgment, my common sense and sometimes, even the goodness that I was always capable of. When I am here, I feel cleansed, refreshed, like I've been reborn into the past and I have never grown up.
In here, I am always a child.
My mother is here and everything is free. I don't worry and I don't have problems and I can watch TV the whole day. I can sleep whenever I want and wake up whenever I want. I don't have to worry about silly things like money or looking good. I can eat fish and like the sun. I can hear the homely barks of my dogs, smell food cooking downstairs, see my mom coming and going from her room. Nothing can beat that. Not drinking sprees, not late night parties, not even shopping. I'd exchange all those for early breakfasts, star-gazing and staying at home all day.
I guess I'm not ready to let go of all these yet. And maybe I don't really have to. I've always been and will always be a probinsyana. :-D
I've grown to love the city but I can never call it 'home' the way I always do with the province. This town might be boring and nothing ever happens here but I have always loved the silence, the solitude and the peace it brings to my soul. Being here is sort of like a detoxifying process. Living in Cebu clouds everything: my judgment, my common sense and sometimes, even the goodness that I was always capable of. When I am here, I feel cleansed, refreshed, like I've been reborn into the past and I have never grown up.
In here, I am always a child.
My mother is here and everything is free. I don't worry and I don't have problems and I can watch TV the whole day. I can sleep whenever I want and wake up whenever I want. I don't have to worry about silly things like money or looking good. I can eat fish and like the sun. I can hear the homely barks of my dogs, smell food cooking downstairs, see my mom coming and going from her room. Nothing can beat that. Not drinking sprees, not late night parties, not even shopping. I'd exchange all those for early breakfasts, star-gazing and staying at home all day.
I guess I'm not ready to let go of all these yet. And maybe I don't really have to. I've always been and will always be a probinsyana. :-D
Sunday, May 23, 2010
letting it out
I have no right to tell anyone that they can't write. Everybody can.
But to have that ability to fill words with genuine feelings and deep-seated thoughts, that's an entirely different story.
No I'm not saying I'm a good writer, hell, I don't even think that! When I sit on a chair, hold a pen or stare at a blank Microsoft Word page, I know that there are still so many things I have to learn about writing, so many books I have to read, so many words I have to uncover. Words don't come to me like rushing water from a floodgate. Sometimes, they don't come to me at all! Still sometimes, when they do come, they come out half-baked, mediocre and false.
But despite my apparent lack in ability, I do know how to judge whether a paragraph is a work of art or not. I have read so many poems and stories and essays of great writers - formal or informal, long or short, meaningful or simple - I've read all these forms of all these literary genres. I can tell a real poem from what somebody thinks is a poem but what is actually just a mere gathering of difficult but meaningless words in a futile attempt at ostentation. I do not intend to sound mean or arrogant but these are the kind of people that need to be shaken badly and told that this is not something they can do.
This will sound really bad but I have to let it out.
I just can't stand it anymore! You declaring to the world that writing is what you do makes me sick with indignation. How can you say that when you can't even form a sensible paragraph properly? You claim to have an excellent command of the English language and yes you do! But that doesn't make you a good writer! You boast about using all these rhetorical devices, all these figures of speech when you don't even know what they are! You brag about reading these writers, admiring their books...but when asked what they mean, what they say about society...you make things up. You might have read them but YOU DON'T GET THEM.
You don't get anything. And I can tell you why.
Because you are the most self-absorbed person I have ever met. You are so stuck up in your own little world you fail to recognize that there are other people better than you. You think you're so perfect that you can't admit that there is something in this world that you can't do. You need to wake up. You're so fucking blind.
And for the record, NO , I don't think you're smart. You're just goddamned talkative.
But to have that ability to fill words with genuine feelings and deep-seated thoughts, that's an entirely different story.
No I'm not saying I'm a good writer, hell, I don't even think that! When I sit on a chair, hold a pen or stare at a blank Microsoft Word page, I know that there are still so many things I have to learn about writing, so many books I have to read, so many words I have to uncover. Words don't come to me like rushing water from a floodgate. Sometimes, they don't come to me at all! Still sometimes, when they do come, they come out half-baked, mediocre and false.
But despite my apparent lack in ability, I do know how to judge whether a paragraph is a work of art or not. I have read so many poems and stories and essays of great writers - formal or informal, long or short, meaningful or simple - I've read all these forms of all these literary genres. I can tell a real poem from what somebody thinks is a poem but what is actually just a mere gathering of difficult but meaningless words in a futile attempt at ostentation. I do not intend to sound mean or arrogant but these are the kind of people that need to be shaken badly and told that this is not something they can do.
This will sound really bad but I have to let it out.
I just can't stand it anymore! You declaring to the world that writing is what you do makes me sick with indignation. How can you say that when you can't even form a sensible paragraph properly? You claim to have an excellent command of the English language and yes you do! But that doesn't make you a good writer! You boast about using all these rhetorical devices, all these figures of speech when you don't even know what they are! You brag about reading these writers, admiring their books...but when asked what they mean, what they say about society...you make things up. You might have read them but YOU DON'T GET THEM.
You don't get anything. And I can tell you why.
Because you are the most self-absorbed person I have ever met. You are so stuck up in your own little world you fail to recognize that there are other people better than you. You think you're so perfect that you can't admit that there is something in this world that you can't do. You need to wake up. You're so fucking blind.
And for the record, NO , I don't think you're smart. You're just goddamned talkative.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
my first elections
I already had some ideas what to expect but I should probably say that my voting was smooth and fun haha. I feel sorry for those who had to wait hours but I think it was their own fault. They could have come earlier. My mom and I went to our precincts at 7 am and by 7:30 or so, I was alreading sitting on an armed chair, ballot and marker on hand and sweating a bit. I thought I had already my candidates in mind but I ended up changing the lot of them. I voted for Gibo Teodoro because I think he has some really substantial platforms for the country and he's smart. Although his associations work against him like being the administration's candidate and being a Cojuanco, he by himself is a very able man and I think he'll make a good president. I also ended up voting for Fuentes. It was last minute because although Medina had considerably improved Isabel, a good leader never lashes out on anyone in public. I don't like how he makes his contempt for our family visible.
I had thought that Gibo would gain ground because most people I know said they would vote for him. But in the presidential race, he's placing 4th while Noynoy tops the bill. Seriously,people have to STOP judging abilities through associations. There were a lot of great fathers who had weak sons. Peter the Great of Russia for example was considered one of their greatest monarchs while his son Alexei was his absolute and complete opposite. We can never assess Noynoy to be as great as his parents unless of course if he proves himself. He is NOT assertive, he is NOT bright,evidently NOT smart and SIGNIFICANTLY INADEQUATE. But considering the person tailing close behind him, I would rather have this weak and lackluster of a leader than ERAP,proven to be a big-ass coward and liar. It seriously pains and infuriates me to know that a considerable amount of people want him back because HELLO, weren't they the ones who marched at EDSA and rallied for days for his resignation? And now that he had RUN AWAY and still have the nerve to actually want the presidency back, they let him? WHAT THE HELL FOR? So he could legalize jueting? Seriously!
The Philippines already looks dumbshit to other countries. And if ESTRADA wins, we'd look even more ridiculous. Just imagine: a country once united in a revolution to oust a president, now uniting to bring the same sonovabitch back. I don't know what these Filipinos are thinking. Maybe because Erap's platforms mostly benefit the poor and I commend him for that but what about those grounds for impeachment? Wasn't he a proven corrupt and dishonest.
Oh, Dear Lord. Only You know where this election will take us. If Noynoy wins, then we'll just have to take it as it comes and hope as hell he damn knows what he's talking about when he says he can take this country to the "right path".
I had thought that Gibo would gain ground because most people I know said they would vote for him. But in the presidential race, he's placing 4th while Noynoy tops the bill. Seriously,people have to STOP judging abilities through associations. There were a lot of great fathers who had weak sons. Peter the Great of Russia for example was considered one of their greatest monarchs while his son Alexei was his absolute and complete opposite. We can never assess Noynoy to be as great as his parents unless of course if he proves himself. He is NOT assertive, he is NOT bright,evidently NOT smart and SIGNIFICANTLY INADEQUATE. But considering the person tailing close behind him, I would rather have this weak and lackluster of a leader than ERAP,proven to be a big-ass coward and liar. It seriously pains and infuriates me to know that a considerable amount of people want him back because HELLO, weren't they the ones who marched at EDSA and rallied for days for his resignation? And now that he had RUN AWAY and still have the nerve to actually want the presidency back, they let him? WHAT THE HELL FOR? So he could legalize jueting? Seriously!
The Philippines already looks dumbshit to other countries. And if ESTRADA wins, we'd look even more ridiculous. Just imagine: a country once united in a revolution to oust a president, now uniting to bring the same sonovabitch back. I don't know what these Filipinos are thinking. Maybe because Erap's platforms mostly benefit the poor and I commend him for that but what about those grounds for impeachment? Wasn't he a proven corrupt and dishonest.
Oh, Dear Lord. Only You know where this election will take us. If Noynoy wins, then we'll just have to take it as it comes and hope as hell he damn knows what he's talking about when he says he can take this country to the "right path".
Friday, May 07, 2010
This.Again.
I have never gone home like this. Feeling like wanting to cry every passing minute.
I woke up nice today. Although, I remember having the same nightmare from the night before. I was singing and laughing and having fun being lazy. I was looking forward to going home but I wasn't so thrilled in leaving either. I found out that either way, I'd be happy.
But I don't feel that way anymore. I'm finding out that it doesn't matter where I am or who I'm with, I'm always made to feel lonely and rejected. I just can't take it anymore. I don't know if it's me or them or life...I am just tired of everybody. I'm tired of crying because it just doesn't help me get over it. Talking to strangers didn't help much either. I'm just a trainwreck right now. And I don't know exactly how I got this way.
Maybe it started with them. I always hate it when I ask a decent question and they answer rudely or they don't answer at all. I always see that as an insult to my existence. And I've been insulted today twice, by my closest friends no less. It would have been okay if they went on joking hurtful stuff and pretending it doesn't hurt me somewhere but ignoring me on purpose is something I can never stand. It makes me feel like I'm alone. And to have friends and still feel alone is the worst feeling of all.
Sometimes, things like these make me wonder if I truly have friends at all.
Because when I cry, I can't think of anyone at all who I can run to. I feel like there's no one out there willing to listen to me.Everybody is just too selfish.
I also thought going home would make me feel better but it just made me feel worse. When I got here, I didn't even talk to my parents, didn't even look at them in the eye. I just went upstairs and cried my eyes out, pretending to be sleeping.
No, I don't want to blame this on anyone. But if I don't, I feel like I'm going to kill myself out of guilt and depression. I'm fucking suicidal right now, like the world is going to be a much better place without me in it. So yeah, I'm crying because of my insensitive friends who only think about themselves. I'm crying because I wasn't able to take a bath this morning because nobody told me the water tank had to be cleaned today. I'm crying because I know I blew my presentation if Greek mythology. I'm crying because I got stuck in traffic while trying to get to my ship. I'm crying because I felt like my bladder was going to break but I can't go to pee because the woman I'm sitting beside to has a sleeping kid in her arms and I didn't want to wake him up. I'm crying because I wanted to go home so badly but there were no more commutes and I had to pretend like somebody's going to pick me up. I'm crying because my ass hurts from sitting in a crammed up jeep while holding back that pain. And I'm crying because I know I'm hungry but I couldn't eat that barbeque my mom bought for me. I'm crying because I can't forgive myself and all these circumstances.
I feel so empty. So lost. So fucking broken.
I woke up nice today. Although, I remember having the same nightmare from the night before. I was singing and laughing and having fun being lazy. I was looking forward to going home but I wasn't so thrilled in leaving either. I found out that either way, I'd be happy.
But I don't feel that way anymore. I'm finding out that it doesn't matter where I am or who I'm with, I'm always made to feel lonely and rejected. I just can't take it anymore. I don't know if it's me or them or life...I am just tired of everybody. I'm tired of crying because it just doesn't help me get over it. Talking to strangers didn't help much either. I'm just a trainwreck right now. And I don't know exactly how I got this way.
Maybe it started with them. I always hate it when I ask a decent question and they answer rudely or they don't answer at all. I always see that as an insult to my existence. And I've been insulted today twice, by my closest friends no less. It would have been okay if they went on joking hurtful stuff and pretending it doesn't hurt me somewhere but ignoring me on purpose is something I can never stand. It makes me feel like I'm alone. And to have friends and still feel alone is the worst feeling of all.
Sometimes, things like these make me wonder if I truly have friends at all.
Because when I cry, I can't think of anyone at all who I can run to. I feel like there's no one out there willing to listen to me.Everybody is just too selfish.
I also thought going home would make me feel better but it just made me feel worse. When I got here, I didn't even talk to my parents, didn't even look at them in the eye. I just went upstairs and cried my eyes out, pretending to be sleeping.
No, I don't want to blame this on anyone. But if I don't, I feel like I'm going to kill myself out of guilt and depression. I'm fucking suicidal right now, like the world is going to be a much better place without me in it. So yeah, I'm crying because of my insensitive friends who only think about themselves. I'm crying because I wasn't able to take a bath this morning because nobody told me the water tank had to be cleaned today. I'm crying because I know I blew my presentation if Greek mythology. I'm crying because I got stuck in traffic while trying to get to my ship. I'm crying because I felt like my bladder was going to break but I can't go to pee because the woman I'm sitting beside to has a sleeping kid in her arms and I didn't want to wake him up. I'm crying because I wanted to go home so badly but there were no more commutes and I had to pretend like somebody's going to pick me up. I'm crying because my ass hurts from sitting in a crammed up jeep while holding back that pain. And I'm crying because I know I'm hungry but I couldn't eat that barbeque my mom bought for me. I'm crying because I can't forgive myself and all these circumstances.
I feel so empty. So lost. So fucking broken.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Disappointed with Myself
Staring at a test paper with nothing short of an answer on your mind is, now I realize, the worst feeling of all.
And now I'm listening to Strauss' Till Eulenspiegel just to ease out some of the tension I'm feeling.
I had always prided myself of being a good student, always ready for anything. But today, for the first time in a long time, I got soo disappointed with myself. I am not the type who can take failure easily. Call me a hypocrite or whatever but I bask in the glory of always being on top. I've earned that place and to be suddenly told that I don't belong there anymore is soo frustrating. Of course, it's just one quiz but I just can't help but feel so upset about it.
I plan to make it up in the next test of course. There is nobody else to blame for this but myself. We were told to read and I did not read. Oh well.
Thank God for classic music and the healing power of blogging, I now feel better.
And now I'm listening to Strauss' Till Eulenspiegel just to ease out some of the tension I'm feeling.
I had always prided myself of being a good student, always ready for anything. But today, for the first time in a long time, I got soo disappointed with myself. I am not the type who can take failure easily. Call me a hypocrite or whatever but I bask in the glory of always being on top. I've earned that place and to be suddenly told that I don't belong there anymore is soo frustrating. Of course, it's just one quiz but I just can't help but feel so upset about it.
I plan to make it up in the next test of course. There is nobody else to blame for this but myself. We were told to read and I did not read. Oh well.
Thank God for classic music and the healing power of blogging, I now feel better.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
bad day
I'm having such a bad day today. Yes, I am so frustrated and angry I'm crying right now. Phone still not fixed. God knows I wanted to make a scene at cellpod. Can't connect to the internet..the only thing that distracts me from frustration. It just made it a lot worse. Subtitle on the DVD I bought won't show up...the last thing that I hoped would cheer me up.
It's official. I hate it. I really don't want to blame God but He's the only one here.
It's official. I hate it. I really don't want to blame God but He's the only one here.
Thursday, April 01, 2010
The Sleepover
Last night's sleepover was definitely a blast! I had soo much fun!
After the family president found out that my sister had arrived, she immediately arranged for a slumber party and a horror movie marathon! I just downloaded "Coming Soon" so we decided to watch that one.
It was soo terrifying! We had scream moments every other 5 minutes! The sound effects are awesome, the acting amazing and the plot, my god, it's a winner! The twist is pretty dumbfounding too! Ah that's why we love Thai horror flicks soo much. Because after we watch it, we always find ourselves drained. We just felt spent we couldn't move! We just sat there. But after we talked about it though, we figured that we were all hungry. Unfortunately, gradparents were already asleep and we couldn't possibly wake them up so we decided to head out to cook dinner at our house. We had soo much fun cooking! Aya cooked the scrambled eggs, Erika did the bacon, although she sort of burnt it a little, I worked on the hotdogs while Klyde and Key made pancakes!
Here are some pictures:
Oooh here we are, looking like mini-chefs that we hope to be!
Me cooking hotdog, Erila cooking bacon.
The outcome! Yumm!
SO then, after we cooked, we went back walking in the rain! When we got there, we immediately went after the food and devoured it in minutes! Too bad we didn't have rice though! But we got full anyway so that was okay! After eating, we washed and went upstairs. We stayed at Auntie Vawnette's room and watched The Tooth Fairy. It was funny but it wasn't that much entertaining. Then, we went to sleep.
We woke up at 11 am the next morning. We went down, ate brunch, and watched Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging!.
I had seen it before but I didn't have fun as much as I had when we watched it this morning! We went flips for Robbie! He's Aaron Johnson in real life and he is totally hot! We're the same age so hahahaha. Well anyway, I'm quite happy that my cousins enjoyed it.
All in all, this year's summer (before I go back to school) is absolutely FABULOUS!
After the family president found out that my sister had arrived, she immediately arranged for a slumber party and a horror movie marathon! I just downloaded "Coming Soon" so we decided to watch that one.
It was soo terrifying! We had scream moments every other 5 minutes! The sound effects are awesome, the acting amazing and the plot, my god, it's a winner! The twist is pretty dumbfounding too! Ah that's why we love Thai horror flicks soo much. Because after we watch it, we always find ourselves drained. We just felt spent we couldn't move! We just sat there. But after we talked about it though, we figured that we were all hungry. Unfortunately, gradparents were already asleep and we couldn't possibly wake them up so we decided to head out to cook dinner at our house. We had soo much fun cooking! Aya cooked the scrambled eggs, Erika did the bacon, although she sort of burnt it a little, I worked on the hotdogs while Klyde and Key made pancakes!
Here are some pictures:
Oooh here we are, looking like mini-chefs that we hope to be!
Me cooking hotdog, Erila cooking bacon.
The outcome! Yumm!
SO then, after we cooked, we went back walking in the rain! When we got there, we immediately went after the food and devoured it in minutes! Too bad we didn't have rice though! But we got full anyway so that was okay! After eating, we washed and went upstairs. We stayed at Auntie Vawnette's room and watched The Tooth Fairy. It was funny but it wasn't that much entertaining. Then, we went to sleep.
We woke up at 11 am the next morning. We went down, ate brunch, and watched Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging!.
I had seen it before but I didn't have fun as much as I had when we watched it this morning! We went flips for Robbie! He's Aaron Johnson in real life and he is totally hot! We're the same age so hahahaha. Well anyway, I'm quite happy that my cousins enjoyed it.
All in all, this year's summer (before I go back to school) is absolutely FABULOUS!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Beautiful Night
The moon was very beautiful yesterday! It was soo bright it lighted up the sky like the sun! The clouds were nice too and they formed like giant angel wings. The wind felt great and I just felt peaceful looking at them outside the window.
Too bad though I wasn't able to take a picture. I'm sure it would have looked lovely on photograph.
Today we went to Ormoc to fetch my sister. We had fun talking in the car and catching up. Apparently, we'll be having a movie marathon and a sleepover tonight and I'm pretty much looking forward to it. Tomorrow is Maundy Thursday so I'll probably try not to do anything "nasty". Haha. You get the drift.
~strawberries
Too bad though I wasn't able to take a picture. I'm sure it would have looked lovely on photograph.
Today we went to Ormoc to fetch my sister. We had fun talking in the car and catching up. Apparently, we'll be having a movie marathon and a sleepover tonight and I'm pretty much looking forward to it. Tomorrow is Maundy Thursday so I'll probably try not to do anything "nasty". Haha. You get the drift.
~strawberries
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
to be honest..
I have to be honest and say that I didn't get to read the Romanov Prophecy after all. I kind of finished late last night and I really wanted to read it but I grew sleepy. Today, too I wasn't able to pick it up. *sighs* But I did do something significant today, other than check my account on facebook and read ficcies on ff.net. I'm learning the Moonlight Sonata!
It sounds pretty easy and it is kind of easy but my fingers are hurting from all those base chords haha. But it sounds good when I play it so I'm pretty happy about that. I'm also thinking about writing this novel about my family. I already have a title: Memoirs of a Strange and Happy Family. It doesn't sound very complex and in fact it wouldn't be. I plan to write it the way I know my family. Simple, strange and full of laughter. I don't know but I think it's gonna be a real piece of literature and if I finish it, I'll want to submit it somewhere. My family is a strange bunch and we have a lot of stories to tell. I'm kind of really excited!
I'm not going to start writing it now, though. I'll have to start reading again, as I have promised. Literature books and not those feeding pop culture. For now, I'll be finishing the Romanov Prophecy hopefully and Moonlight Sonata haha.
It sounds pretty easy and it is kind of easy but my fingers are hurting from all those base chords haha. But it sounds good when I play it so I'm pretty happy about that. I'm also thinking about writing this novel about my family. I already have a title: Memoirs of a Strange and Happy Family. It doesn't sound very complex and in fact it wouldn't be. I plan to write it the way I know my family. Simple, strange and full of laughter. I don't know but I think it's gonna be a real piece of literature and if I finish it, I'll want to submit it somewhere. My family is a strange bunch and we have a lot of stories to tell. I'm kind of really excited!
I'm not going to start writing it now, though. I'll have to start reading again, as I have promised. Literature books and not those feeding pop culture. For now, I'll be finishing the Romanov Prophecy hopefully and Moonlight Sonata haha.
Monday, March 29, 2010
catch up on reading
I'm suddenly feeling this urge to read a good book.
The last book that I read was Beastly, which is a teen's book so I don't think that really counts. I've been trying to finish Don Quixote but it's just sooo darn thick and I'm not even halfway yet! But I will finish it one time or another. *sigh* I don't know why I suddenly stopped reading books. It might have been because I got addicted to movies and graphic novels and things on television. But you know, when you think you've seen everything and get fed up with all these modern atrocities of time, you just want to go back to the time where you can spend all day long reading.
I remember when I was in high-school, I almost devoured all the fiction books in the library! I read almost all the Perry Mason books and I can say that even now, I'd still want to be able to read about my favorite criminal lawyer and Della Street and Detective Drake. I miss them! I also got pretty full with romance novels. Favorite: Susan Elizabeth Phillips. I read almost all her books that was in the library. I think it was the reason I started liking erotic literature in the first place. But my love for romance didn't start there. When I was in 5th grade I guess, I remember it was summer, I got religiously addicted to Tagalog pocket books. Yeah, it seems so baduy now but I had read them. And yes, I liked them. Although now, I couldn't say I still like them because their plots are so cliche and overrated and just blase. Actually, all romance novels seems to be that way to me now. I admit being a hopeless romantic but all the situational boy-meets-girl-girl-hates-boy-but-falls-in-love-in-then-end stereotypes are getting really old. Erotic novels, like the Beauty trilogy by Anne Rice (I only read Release) and the Altar of Venus are too lexically graphic, for want of a better term. I just can't approach them as literature but pornography! Oh well.
From romance, I discovered I also loved thrillers. I read all Dan Brown's novels (except for Deception Point) and found it very entertaining. My favorite was his latest, The Lost Symbol. I also want to finish Steve Berry but I've only been able to read "The Amber Room" which I adored and half of The Romanov Prophecy which I promise to read right after I write this haha. I also want to read The Shakespeare Secret but I couldn't find it in any book shop anymore.
Classics. Can't say I read them as much as I would like to boast that I do. I've only read a couple: Pride and Prejudice, Persuasion (half of it: kind of didn't like Anne), The Picture of Dorian Gray (one of my favorites), The Canterbury Tales (yes, I finished it..sort of..I had not read the Prioress' Tale), Beowulf, numerous number of short stories by Edgar Allan, Hawthorne, Fitzgerald and others.. Currently working on finishing Don Quixote. It's funny as hell but it's tooooo loooooooong!
My favorite books: Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte. And I'm not just saying that! I think it is by far the best love story I've read since Pride and Prejudice. Mr. Rochester might not be handsome but he is mysterious and kind and sweet and desperate and funny. And Jane has no qualms in pointing out his inferiorities and then declaring that they are what she loves about him! Kyaa *fan girl giggle*
I want to buy a hardbound copy of it someday. But of course, that's gonna come later when I've paid off my debts haha.
The bottomline of this post is that I've been missing a lot when I stopped reading. And I feel like I need to catch up. Maybe that's why I haven't been able to write anything good lately. So what I'm going to do is read a book and finish it!!
The last book that I read was Beastly, which is a teen's book so I don't think that really counts. I've been trying to finish Don Quixote but it's just sooo darn thick and I'm not even halfway yet! But I will finish it one time or another. *sigh* I don't know why I suddenly stopped reading books. It might have been because I got addicted to movies and graphic novels and things on television. But you know, when you think you've seen everything and get fed up with all these modern atrocities of time, you just want to go back to the time where you can spend all day long reading.
I remember when I was in high-school, I almost devoured all the fiction books in the library! I read almost all the Perry Mason books and I can say that even now, I'd still want to be able to read about my favorite criminal lawyer and Della Street and Detective Drake. I miss them! I also got pretty full with romance novels. Favorite: Susan Elizabeth Phillips. I read almost all her books that was in the library. I think it was the reason I started liking erotic literature in the first place. But my love for romance didn't start there. When I was in 5th grade I guess, I remember it was summer, I got religiously addicted to Tagalog pocket books. Yeah, it seems so baduy now but I had read them. And yes, I liked them. Although now, I couldn't say I still like them because their plots are so cliche and overrated and just blase. Actually, all romance novels seems to be that way to me now. I admit being a hopeless romantic but all the situational boy-meets-girl-girl-hates-boy-but-falls-in-love-in-then-end stereotypes are getting really old. Erotic novels, like the Beauty trilogy by Anne Rice (I only read Release) and the Altar of Venus are too lexically graphic, for want of a better term. I just can't approach them as literature but pornography! Oh well.
From romance, I discovered I also loved thrillers. I read all Dan Brown's novels (except for Deception Point) and found it very entertaining. My favorite was his latest, The Lost Symbol. I also want to finish Steve Berry but I've only been able to read "The Amber Room" which I adored and half of The Romanov Prophecy which I promise to read right after I write this haha. I also want to read The Shakespeare Secret but I couldn't find it in any book shop anymore.
Classics. Can't say I read them as much as I would like to boast that I do. I've only read a couple: Pride and Prejudice, Persuasion (half of it: kind of didn't like Anne), The Picture of Dorian Gray (one of my favorites), The Canterbury Tales (yes, I finished it..sort of..I had not read the Prioress' Tale), Beowulf, numerous number of short stories by Edgar Allan, Hawthorne, Fitzgerald and others.. Currently working on finishing Don Quixote. It's funny as hell but it's tooooo loooooooong!
My favorite books: Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte. And I'm not just saying that! I think it is by far the best love story I've read since Pride and Prejudice. Mr. Rochester might not be handsome but he is mysterious and kind and sweet and desperate and funny. And Jane has no qualms in pointing out his inferiorities and then declaring that they are what she loves about him! Kyaa *fan girl giggle*
I want to buy a hardbound copy of it someday. But of course, that's gonna come later when I've paid off my debts haha.
The bottomline of this post is that I've been missing a lot when I stopped reading. And I feel like I need to catch up. Maybe that's why I haven't been able to write anything good lately. So what I'm going to do is read a book and finish it!!
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Summer Adventure
I seriously did not expect I would have that much fun yesterday! We were really worked up about where we'd be going for a swim. We planned to go to Villaba but Isy and Maning didn't seem to happy about the money matters and all. Then, there was Bantigue. Except mom wouldn't let me go. Haha. Until finally, we agreed, although kind of begrudgingly on my part, to go to Tubod, near Isy's house. There is this cave there which leads to the sea.
Okay, before anything else, as much as I would like to be adventurous, I can't put aside the fact that I am an acrophobic. I might have eased out of that fear a bit but I'm still scared of heights. Now this cave is not like the horizontal caves that you just walk in and out of. This cave is vertical,some sort of like a giant hole in the ground, which meant that we had to climb our way down. They all looked okay with it although we all agreed it was a bit dangerous. But it was for the sake of adventure so we did it nonetheless. I was kind of happy though that they were all concerned for me. I was really touched when they all planned on how to get me down. I was a bit annoyed because I felt like they were treating me like a kid but somehow, I kind of felt loved. Haha. The climb down was rather difficult because I couldn't see where I was putting my feet on but thank God for friends. When all of us finally reached the bottom unscathed, we were dumbfounded with the cave! It was amazing! It sort of stank but it was oh so beautiful! We took pictures and then we met with the sea!
The wind was wonderful too! Seriously,we all couldn't believe we were still in Isabel. Why hadn't we thought of this before? I seriously have no frickin idea haha. The sea was really salty though so it hurt my eyes, my face and throat. We were having fun when these bunch of teenagers came to our spot and because we didn't want to share (I know), we decided to move to a more private spot ---> a giant rock. It was a significant distance away from our first spot so we had to walk by the sides to get there. The rocks hurt! They were all spkiey and sharp and I regret that I wore those ipanema slippers! So anyway, we ate and drank when we got to the place (which was still a swim's distance away from the giant rock). We were having so much fun when each of us got skin gashes from the rocks, from stepping on the rocks or some sharp thing. My, Richmond's and Ezra's shorts got ripped from the rocks too! It was all too funny! So it was nearing sunset so we had to leave but we needed to jump from the giant rock first. So we climbed up there, basked in the view and had fun making porn out of our shadows hahahaha. It was soooo funny!!! The waters were getting high so we started walking towards the cave again. The waves made it really difficult and it got our bags and some of our stuff wet but it was okay. Even that was part of the big adventure! We climbed up the cave again (this time with ease) and headed towards Isy's house to get all washed up.
This part was where I proved that we were all friends! We had shower together! All 8 of us! Hahaha. There was no malice or awkwardness or perversion. We just had fun laughing and washing. We were all cleaned up and it was time for our closure: BALOT. Somehow, I'm beginning to think that this will develop into one of our silly rituals haha. Anyway, so we went to Isabel, ate Balot and finally said goodbye.
I did a bit of Karaoke when I got home! I was soo happy! I hadn't had that much fun since my dormmates and I went to Bogo! Hahaha. I just realized how much I miss being with my high school friends. They might not know me now as much as they did when we were still in high-school but they know why I became what I've become. They made me happen and that's why I love them soo much.
So to conclude this long and very late update, THIS SUMMER WILL SURELY BE A BLAST!
Okay, before anything else, as much as I would like to be adventurous, I can't put aside the fact that I am an acrophobic. I might have eased out of that fear a bit but I'm still scared of heights. Now this cave is not like the horizontal caves that you just walk in and out of. This cave is vertical,some sort of like a giant hole in the ground, which meant that we had to climb our way down. They all looked okay with it although we all agreed it was a bit dangerous. But it was for the sake of adventure so we did it nonetheless. I was kind of happy though that they were all concerned for me. I was really touched when they all planned on how to get me down. I was a bit annoyed because I felt like they were treating me like a kid but somehow, I kind of felt loved. Haha. The climb down was rather difficult because I couldn't see where I was putting my feet on but thank God for friends. When all of us finally reached the bottom unscathed, we were dumbfounded with the cave! It was amazing! It sort of stank but it was oh so beautiful! We took pictures and then we met with the sea!
The wind was wonderful too! Seriously,we all couldn't believe we were still in Isabel. Why hadn't we thought of this before? I seriously have no frickin idea haha. The sea was really salty though so it hurt my eyes, my face and throat. We were having fun when these bunch of teenagers came to our spot and because we didn't want to share (I know), we decided to move to a more private spot ---> a giant rock. It was a significant distance away from our first spot so we had to walk by the sides to get there. The rocks hurt! They were all spkiey and sharp and I regret that I wore those ipanema slippers! So anyway, we ate and drank when we got to the place (which was still a swim's distance away from the giant rock). We were having so much fun when each of us got skin gashes from the rocks, from stepping on the rocks or some sharp thing. My, Richmond's and Ezra's shorts got ripped from the rocks too! It was all too funny! So it was nearing sunset so we had to leave but we needed to jump from the giant rock first. So we climbed up there, basked in the view and had fun making porn out of our shadows hahahaha. It was soooo funny!!! The waters were getting high so we started walking towards the cave again. The waves made it really difficult and it got our bags and some of our stuff wet but it was okay. Even that was part of the big adventure! We climbed up the cave again (this time with ease) and headed towards Isy's house to get all washed up.
This part was where I proved that we were all friends! We had shower together! All 8 of us! Hahaha. There was no malice or awkwardness or perversion. We just had fun laughing and washing. We were all cleaned up and it was time for our closure: BALOT. Somehow, I'm beginning to think that this will develop into one of our silly rituals haha. Anyway, so we went to Isabel, ate Balot and finally said goodbye.
I did a bit of Karaoke when I got home! I was soo happy! I hadn't had that much fun since my dormmates and I went to Bogo! Hahaha. I just realized how much I miss being with my high school friends. They might not know me now as much as they did when we were still in high-school but they know why I became what I've become. They made me happen and that's why I love them soo much.
So to conclude this long and very late update, THIS SUMMER WILL SURELY BE A BLAST!
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Sadness
I have never been this sad since a long, long time ago. I've been sad of course many, many times but this one's a real downer. It's overwhelming enough to compel me to write in this blog that I have been abandoning for months.
I am sad because of my friends. I am trying ways to extend my patience whenever they get under my skin but sometimes, they just go too far.
First friend: The people I hate the most are those who can't think of anybody else but themselves. People are allowed pride but too much of it makes them hateful. I have tried understanding but I just don't get why they can't see that there are somethings they suck at. Why can't you admit that you're not that smart, that you're not much of a writer than what you actually credit yourself to be? Why can't you accept that you're not perfect? I am tired of tolerating your arrogance just because you have gone through so many painful experiences? Nothing gives you an excuse to deliberately place yourself above people who are better than you. I love you but sometimes you just annoy me too much.
Second friend: Damn your fucking tantrum fits to hell! I understand because I know how it feels to be angry but why can't you talk it out? Why do you close up your world? WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING INSECURE!! If I had your beauty and your body and your height, BELIEVE ME, I'd be happy with my life. Why can't you believe that you're good enough? That you have what it takes? Why do you let other people who you know are inferior to you overshadow you? You are a fucking coward. SOmetimes, I just want to bang your head up against a wall so you'd wake up!
Third friend: I have talked about you unhygeinic habits enough. I'm glad I'm seeing you change but can't you clean up for once?
Fourth friend: I hope you know how furious I am to not even hear a single "I'm sorry" for borrowing my stuff and returning them broken. It would have been okay if you actually apologized but no! You just gave me lame excuses how it wasn't your fault and you didn't know how it happened..I don't give a shit! Now my whole weekend is ruined because you broke the only thing that gives my life a little sembalnce of fun!
**GAAAAH!! I have finally let it out! I wanna scream so bad! *sighs*
I am sad because of my friends. I am trying ways to extend my patience whenever they get under my skin but sometimes, they just go too far.
First friend: The people I hate the most are those who can't think of anybody else but themselves. People are allowed pride but too much of it makes them hateful. I have tried understanding but I just don't get why they can't see that there are somethings they suck at. Why can't you admit that you're not that smart, that you're not much of a writer than what you actually credit yourself to be? Why can't you accept that you're not perfect? I am tired of tolerating your arrogance just because you have gone through so many painful experiences? Nothing gives you an excuse to deliberately place yourself above people who are better than you. I love you but sometimes you just annoy me too much.
Second friend: Damn your fucking tantrum fits to hell! I understand because I know how it feels to be angry but why can't you talk it out? Why do you close up your world? WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING INSECURE!! If I had your beauty and your body and your height, BELIEVE ME, I'd be happy with my life. Why can't you believe that you're good enough? That you have what it takes? Why do you let other people who you know are inferior to you overshadow you? You are a fucking coward. SOmetimes, I just want to bang your head up against a wall so you'd wake up!
Third friend: I have talked about you unhygeinic habits enough. I'm glad I'm seeing you change but can't you clean up for once?
Fourth friend: I hope you know how furious I am to not even hear a single "I'm sorry" for borrowing my stuff and returning them broken. It would have been okay if you actually apologized but no! You just gave me lame excuses how it wasn't your fault and you didn't know how it happened..I don't give a shit! Now my whole weekend is ruined because you broke the only thing that gives my life a little sembalnce of fun!
**GAAAAH!! I have finally let it out! I wanna scream so bad! *sighs*
Monday, February 08, 2010
The Thing Called Art
I've always wanted to draw. I was in second grade when I realized I didn't have the talent. I didn't even know how to do margins right, let alone actually sketch something. I was a messy kid. And that showed in my drawings. There were lines everywhere,the colors weren't right, and the whole picture was just a mess. I remember getting really envious seeing how neat my classmates' works were compared to mine. I had a best friend then and is still a friend now. It was when I saw his drawing that I realized I was drawn to art. I needed to learn it.
And I did. Thanks to a flower and a flower pot.
We were doing some sketches then. My best friend was pretty good in drawing and I remember stealing glances at his work. I was amazed. He drew a beautiful pink flower in a black flower pot. And for some reason, I couldn't forget about it and started to copy it. Again and again. I wouldn't stop until I got the same picture. It was summer. And all I did was draw that flower. My work came close to his but then I realized that I needed to draw something on my own. I had a lot of storybooks and I'd draw the pictures in them. Eventually, I got good at copying. But then that was the only thing I learned. Copying.
I never really learned to draw something out just by imagining them. I've tried countless times but I'm just not an artist. I know that. I've come to terms that drawing is not just my talent and even though it isn't, at least I know how to appreciate other people's work. I love art. I don't know why but I do. Just seeing how the colors harmonize, how they deliberately come close to the real thing just takes my breath away. It's just beautiful genius.
I've always wanted to be friends with artists. Because I think they have depth and understanding. Because they know the secrets of the world and aren't afraid to put it into canvas.
Well, anyway. Here are some artworks by a fellow Carolignian named Apple Natasha (?) I-forgot-her-last-name. It's mixed-media so she used a lot of stuff. They're just so provocative and beautiful. They're for sale at the price of 4,000. Personally, I think the price should be higher. Damn. I was like staring at each of them for 15 minutes each. I couldn't get over it. They were just so expressive, so creative, so intelligent. If I had the money, I'd have bought them all and took 'em home.
This one's my favorite. I forgot the title but it's in Cebuano. I love how those waves collide with the rock. It's as if I could almost hear the point of collision. The splashes. Waves. Just looking at those monochromatic blues and whites and browns made me feel like I was there, standing on that rock. I could almost feel the sea. It's so magical.
This one's my second favorite. It's titled "Uneducated". The piece was bordered with broken pencils forming the alphabet and at the center was a bio data, another broken pencil and some sort of diploma. The bio-data is torn and reveals a piece of paper with 'Juan de la Cruz, Grade 1' written on it. It just struck me. She hit the bullseye. it makes you feel disgusted, sad, angry that most Filipinos aren't really learned and that sucks because suddenly, we're famous all over the world for being stupid and incompetent.
This one, entitled "Sekreto ni Nene", scared me. Ugh. It gives me goosebumps.
And I did. Thanks to a flower and a flower pot.
We were doing some sketches then. My best friend was pretty good in drawing and I remember stealing glances at his work. I was amazed. He drew a beautiful pink flower in a black flower pot. And for some reason, I couldn't forget about it and started to copy it. Again and again. I wouldn't stop until I got the same picture. It was summer. And all I did was draw that flower. My work came close to his but then I realized that I needed to draw something on my own. I had a lot of storybooks and I'd draw the pictures in them. Eventually, I got good at copying. But then that was the only thing I learned. Copying.
I never really learned to draw something out just by imagining them. I've tried countless times but I'm just not an artist. I know that. I've come to terms that drawing is not just my talent and even though it isn't, at least I know how to appreciate other people's work. I love art. I don't know why but I do. Just seeing how the colors harmonize, how they deliberately come close to the real thing just takes my breath away. It's just beautiful genius.
I've always wanted to be friends with artists. Because I think they have depth and understanding. Because they know the secrets of the world and aren't afraid to put it into canvas.
Well, anyway. Here are some artworks by a fellow Carolignian named Apple Natasha (?) I-forgot-her-last-name. It's mixed-media so she used a lot of stuff. They're just so provocative and beautiful. They're for sale at the price of 4,000. Personally, I think the price should be higher. Damn. I was like staring at each of them for 15 minutes each. I couldn't get over it. They were just so expressive, so creative, so intelligent. If I had the money, I'd have bought them all and took 'em home.
This one's my favorite. I forgot the title but it's in Cebuano. I love how those waves collide with the rock. It's as if I could almost hear the point of collision. The splashes. Waves. Just looking at those monochromatic blues and whites and browns made me feel like I was there, standing on that rock. I could almost feel the sea. It's so magical.
This one's my second favorite. It's titled "Uneducated". The piece was bordered with broken pencils forming the alphabet and at the center was a bio data, another broken pencil and some sort of diploma. The bio-data is torn and reveals a piece of paper with 'Juan de la Cruz, Grade 1' written on it. It just struck me. She hit the bullseye. it makes you feel disgusted, sad, angry that most Filipinos aren't really learned and that sucks because suddenly, we're famous all over the world for being stupid and incompetent.
This one, entitled "Sekreto ni Nene", scared me. Ugh. It gives me goosebumps.
Friday, January 01, 2010
New Year!
Happy New Years! It's 2010! And well since it's that, I feel like I have to write in here haha. Last year was colored by a LOT of drama, a lot of crazy things, a lot of new people. But the highlights I guess were my roommate, my dormmates and well my old high school friends. I'd be happy to write down everything that I failed to write when it was still fresh but it'd be too long and it's almost three and I'm getting sleepy.
What I really want to say in this blog post is that 2009 taught me a really important lesson: DON'T BE TOO NICE. I mean it's nice to be nice but when you're too nice, people start getting the impression that you don't have feelings and they just go about abusing you. And I'm sensitive when it comes to that people-use-people kind of thing. I guess my troubled elementary days shaped me into someone who's always behind the more-agressive kids, who lets other people look down on her, who's always tolerant. My high school years helped me ease out of that mentality a bit but I still had trouble saying no. When I got to college, I started moving out that shell and I began speaking for myself. I learned to get angry and allow myself to let other people know that I am. That's my new year's resolution.
STOP BEING TOO NICE.
I don't know exactly where the line is drawn but when my friends or other people do anything that is potentially harmful to my pride and my feelings, I will not hesitate to defend myself and speak up. I am tired of being the one always upset and disappointed and angry. It's time people know that I also get mad and when I do, they better know how to placate me. I've learned that it's easy ignoring people and when I do ignore people, they're the ones who come to me and say sorry. I'm a sensitive person and I know how to say sorry when I make a mistake or when I've hurt somebody but I also know when it is not my fault and it is not my obligation to say sorry. When it comes to forgiving, I'm very particular.
Words hurt me more than actions do. I'd mind more if you insult me than if you punch me hard in the face. If you don't have the guts to say sorry, BELIEVE ME, I will not talk to you until you do. My pride works that way.
Anyway, I'm starting to rant again and my eyes are kind of really getting heavy. *sighs* I have two more days here. Again, happy 2010!! :-D
What I really want to say in this blog post is that 2009 taught me a really important lesson: DON'T BE TOO NICE. I mean it's nice to be nice but when you're too nice, people start getting the impression that you don't have feelings and they just go about abusing you. And I'm sensitive when it comes to that people-use-people kind of thing. I guess my troubled elementary days shaped me into someone who's always behind the more-agressive kids, who lets other people look down on her, who's always tolerant. My high school years helped me ease out of that mentality a bit but I still had trouble saying no. When I got to college, I started moving out that shell and I began speaking for myself. I learned to get angry and allow myself to let other people know that I am. That's my new year's resolution.
STOP BEING TOO NICE.
I don't know exactly where the line is drawn but when my friends or other people do anything that is potentially harmful to my pride and my feelings, I will not hesitate to defend myself and speak up. I am tired of being the one always upset and disappointed and angry. It's time people know that I also get mad and when I do, they better know how to placate me. I've learned that it's easy ignoring people and when I do ignore people, they're the ones who come to me and say sorry. I'm a sensitive person and I know how to say sorry when I make a mistake or when I've hurt somebody but I also know when it is not my fault and it is not my obligation to say sorry. When it comes to forgiving, I'm very particular.
Words hurt me more than actions do. I'd mind more if you insult me than if you punch me hard in the face. If you don't have the guts to say sorry, BELIEVE ME, I will not talk to you until you do. My pride works that way.
Anyway, I'm starting to rant again and my eyes are kind of really getting heavy. *sighs* I have two more days here. Again, happy 2010!! :-D
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