The Beginning

I’m sure if you’ve read some of my angst-y posts (like the one below), you’d probably concluded that I’m a dark, VERY emotional person. Well, I am. But not always. My life doesn’t revolve around anger and most of the time, I find myself genuinely laughing and smiling and having fun with the people around me: my friends, my family, strangers. They all shed light to when the nimbus clouds starts to appear. And for that, I can forget the reasons why I’m angry.

I’m writing this post because today and yesterday, I am smiling. And I can’t take it off my face. Maybe it’s because it started to rain, or because my friends are there or here is the reason that occupies most of my head these days: Him. No, not her, not Ezra, not Mark, not Joshua, not James, but Him, the beginning.

I am so not writing his name. I’m still having a hard time even mentioning it. But what is easy though is looking forward to saying hi every time the ring bells after English. I’ve got a crush on him, true, but I’m not sure if this is the lasting one (like with Ezra) or something-that-will-go-away-after-some-short-time things. One thing’s sure though, I’m stuck…and he’s making it very hard for me to extricate myself.

First, he totally knows how to knock me off with his mysterious smile. And he has this twinkle in his eyes, like he’s telling me a secret. And he’s really nice. Like yesterday, Lori and I were frantic about an non-existing speakers. She was going to sing and the song was still raw on my mp3 (yes I got it back). Thank God he was at the department when we went there and provided us with the solution. Second, dude! He thought we were going to dance! I found myself laughing inside. At least he was trying to be funny, right? I also remember him telling us to have a threesome in a singing exam. Lol. Third, he is totally humble. Even though there are girls practically dying to throw themselves at his feet, he still walks around like a normal student and even smiles at people like moi. And for me, that, is very, very attractive. Fourth, he’s smart. Well, I can vouch for it myself because he was our practicing teacher is Speech Class. Even though, he spelled occasion as ocassion, what the hell! I spelled recommendation as reccomendation. Point: everybody makes mistakes.

I am not going to write that I like him because he sings like Josh Groban. He was doing that since my freshman year and I didn’t like him then. I won’t even say I like him because he’s so cute because he’s been cute when I first saw him and I didn’t like him then. Although, his voice does fixate me and those eyes, well, let’s just say, I’ll need my pride to take mine away from staring at his.

Okay, so I’ve finally took some weight from my heart. But really, the most important factor of it all is he makes me smile and provides something for me to look forward too. I won’t make the mistake of taking these trying-to-be-funny antics, his kindness for like. If he likes me, he’ll come around. Right now, I’m sort of satisfied watching him at the corner of my eyes. And when he comes close, what will happen, will happen.

Anger

I'm really, really angry right now. And I'm crying. And resorting to self-injury.

I haven't been angry like this, ever. Right now, I feel like killing someone and I'm wishing that my sister never wakes up. I hope she dies in her sleep. This all her fault. I'm wishing I never had my friends. Last night was supposed to be wonderful, I thought it was but then they acted like prize jerks. Right now, I'm wishing I never met any one of them and for once, I was ashamed to call them friends. I hope I never see them again. This is all their fault.

Right now, I'm wishing I could stop breathing. And die. And never be alive. It sucks to live, especially when people around you don't understand you, especially when most of them cause you to be disappointed and angry and embarrassed. They're all stupid.

I don't know if what I'm feeling right now is just like an impulse-of-the-moment thing, where what you feel and think depends on your mood. Or if this is what I really feel, regardless of whether I'm angry or not. One thing's for sure though, that I'm really, really angry.

My dad is pissed because my friends dirtied the car. And I'm thinking that'll be the last time they'll be able to ride it. Sometimes, it's okay for them to hurt me and sometimes, I think I can't take it anymore. I love them, with all my heart but right now, I'm not sure if they love me back. I don't feel like talking anymore. My heart is too heavy and I finally realized that they really don't understand what I feel.

I told myself that I'd rather be angry than disappointed but now, I figured you can't be disappointed and not be angry at the same time. And both are weighing down on me worse than I'd have hoped for.

I want to sleep. And wake up somewhere different. Where there are people who won't disappoint me. But then I guess that's all a part of being alive. And that's why being alive sucks. Looking back, I guess, I'd rather be a fish. Oblivious. Unfeeling.