Mango and my feelings

I have never been to Mango in two consecutive weaks. I don't like what that implies but I love the feeling that it brings. Last week, after we went to Talavera for the Jesus World in Cebu thing, we headed to Juliana's. Charmaine had come back from Australia and she wanted to hang out. I wasn't that thrilled with the idea because it was turning eleven and I was tired. When I got home, however, I found Patette and Sordy already made up. Just a little reverse pyschology and I found myself all dressed as well. It would be pointless to describe the experience on the dance floor that night. I'm not a very good dancer but it's like when you're up on that stage, the whole world is yours and you can do anything. It's also a nice feeling to have both your group of friends with you. *Sandwich dance with Ezra and Chipoy* All I can really say is that IT WAS THE BEST NIGHT OUT YET!!!

***
Last night, I went there, though I had little money to spare, to re-live that feeling...well, also to be with Charmaine and my friends before she flies back to Australia. It was still a nice feeling. I got asked to dance by two strangers which I think is an improvement. I smoked a drank but didn't get plastered! I would say last night was great...if it weren't for a little touch of drama. But I'm not going to go over that because I don't make business from the private sentiments of my closest friends. Suffice I think it is to say that there will always be misunderstanding with a girl who wants to live her life the way she wants and her brother who doesn't allow her that because he loves her and wants to protect her. I don't know which side I'm on. Probably neither. Probably both. I think I love both of them too much to ever know the difference. But tonight, I think the brother takes the win. Speaking of him, we've always had a special connection. Just me and him. Tonight, I proved that it still exists. That one song...literally scooped up all the feelings from the deepest recesses of my heart. No, I'm not saying that I'm starting to have feelings for him again. I'm just starting to feel his protection. He gives that kind of feeling and I think I like it. Dancing with him feels strange. Disturbing and yet wonderful. He's so normal and yet so different. One time I feel like he will never be the kind of guy that I'd need and the next I feel like I want him so bad it stings. And it stings. This feeling. I don't know exactly how I feel. Maybe someday, he'll want to shed light on it. For now, I'm just glad that they're there.

FUCK YOU

Angry piano notes screaming
Thousand knives desiring to bury
themselves under articles of skin
Crimson tears threatening to fall
Fingernails ripping eyes
Pain rushing through my blood
Hate eating me up, gnawing on
that red pulsating mass
I want to kill you
Hear the veins in your neck snap
See you lifeless
I hate you
Hairless head, broken hands
I long to see you bleed
Hear you scream in agony
Along with those ugly piano
pieces
Fuck you
and your friends
When you sleep
I hope those ugly eyes
never flutter open again
Fuck you
Fuck you
Fuck you
Words can never
Fuck you

describe how much
I want to see you dead
NOW.
Why do you fucking exist?
Fuck you
and your friends. Go to hell
Here I go again

19th Birthday Post!

This is one kick-ass birthday.

I stayed up late that night because I was watching Nodame Catabile (which is now one of my favorite Jdoramas) and waited until the clock hit twelve. Two greetings already: Hannah and Ytel. Then, my sister called and we talked for about a mintue. I guess it's my birthday already.

Earlier that day, I had a mani-pedi and I kind of window-shopped at Ayala although I could've bought something with the money my mom gave me. I so did not expect she'd give that big of an amount. But it was just enough as I spent my allowance money already. Lol. So I slept at around 12.30 and by 2:00, I was kidnapped.

I was at first awoken by the forceful handling of the door, the knob was dancing like crazy. I though it was Lori who had just forgotten her key. But when I closed my eyes to go back to sleep, three masked and dark figures ran inside and covered my mouth, bound my legs and hands and blindfolded. I was scared out my wits. But when I heard a familiar giggle, I couldn't help but smile. My friends are the worst kidnappers.

They tied my hands with packaging tape, blindfolded me with a loose hanky and tied the cloth over my mouth so loose that I could remove it by just moving my mouth. I also had to voluntarily stand up from the bed because I don't want them to carry me to where they planned to bring me. So they ended up pushing me, and led me to this room with a chair. My first guess was Patette's room because they led me that way and the smell was familiar. When they closed the door, I removed my blindfold (which was quite easy) and found myself shut in the fire escape. I tried my best not to shout so I wouldn't wake the rest of the boarding house, but I was begging them to let me out. I also keep putting back that cloth over my mouth as it kept falling down and if it fell, I wouldn't look a convincing captive. Lol. The moon was also shining really bright. Around 10 minutes later, my kidnappers started taunting me with horrifying sounds. I know I shouldn't be scared but I genuinely was. They finally opened the door and when I was about to come out, Patette broke 3 eggs on my head.

"I love you", she said. I was horrified! It felt so slime-y and I don't like the smell of it. But we laughed anyway. I looked so terrible and pathetic. Lol. I was also greeted by my birthday cake. I was sooo tocuhed! They also made this message folder for me which really made me laugh. So I washed of my birthday eggs and we ate cake together.

It was around 4:00 I guess when we decided to go back to sleep. We planned to go to mass together the following morning. The following morning, however, Sordy came with a headache and Patette still lacked sleep, so it was just Godece and I who went to mass. We were supposed to go to a Mandaue church but Godece was afraid we'd get lost so we ended up hearing mass at Sto. Rosario. Greetings also flooded that morning. But the best one was from my mom. I don't know how I'm suppose to feel but I was happy...that kind of unadulterated happiness that kids seem to enjoy...when she told me she loved me. My insides still do somersaults when I think about it.

I told my high-school friends I'd make them eat in Leyte na lang because I was short of budget. Which of course was true. I wanted to eat with the friends who know what's going on in my life, who I see everyday, who make me feel that I'm special. Not that my other friends don't make me feel special, it's just that sometimes, they are insensitive to my feelings and I don't want to experience that on my birthday.

So I invited a couple of people besides our group and treated them all to Cheaverz. We ate a LOT and I was happy when I heard them say they were full to death. We enjoyed the talk after dinner, it was fun. We stayed there for 3 hours and went out to walk and buy ice cream. Jen had to go first so we bid her goodbye. After ice cream, Rizna and Anja had to leave, too so we were left alone with each other. We are rarely complete so I was happy that we were on my birthday. We goofed around for a bit in th parking lot, took pictures and laughed. It was time for Paul and Hannah to leave so we also said goodbye to them. Lori was weak already so she had to go upstaris first. But the four of us: Sordy, Godece, Patette and I were far from weak so we dared ourselves:

Lie down on the middle of a busy road.

It wasn't easy because we had to face danger and humiliation. Lol. After several failed attempts, Patette lay onher butt and spread out her arms. We followed. After several seconds, we hurriedly got up and ran screaming towards the parking lot. The feeling was soo great that we did it for a second time. This time, we lay there for a much longer span of time. We heard people laughing so we got up and laughed at ourselves, too.

The night was waning and I'm forever 19 until of course I become 20 which is a really, really scary thought. I'm getting old and I don't think I've grown up that much yet. Clock ticks and my birthday is over. Three important friends haven't greeted me yet. I'm a bit hurt but shoganai.

On the whole, this was the most wonderful birthday I've ever had. Really. Friends are great, food was awesome and I'm coming to terms with my new age. Hello, another year in my life!

A Foreboding Feeling

I have a foreboding feeling. It's somewhere between fear and anticipation. I don't know what it's trying to tell me. But I'm scared because I keep thinking about my mom. I still don't know how to tell her about the ring. Every time I think about it, my heart races crazy. And it's all my fault. I also broke my Globe Visibility Broadband last Friday because I was so pissed. There was no connection and I needed to send my feature article to Ate Denise ASAP. Anger Management Issues come in and I go wild. When my friends came back, I drank Vodka and got a little buzzed. And now I fucking regret it. There are a lot of things you regret doing when you're angry. One of them is this. But sometimes, when you have lost far too many things, the feeling somehow comes naturally to you. Like somehow, someway, anytime, you are bound to lose something. I've never been able to keep something that lasts. The people, the things I have in my life, either I lose them or they go away voluntarily. And when people go away, I don't do anything to stop them. Because it's always been my belief that you can't stop people from doing what they want. If they really want to stay, they will. But if they want to leave, I should just let them go and get on with my own life.

Maybe that's why I've never really had a real bestfriend. Or something close to a relationship. Because I'm scared that somehow along the way, I'm going to lose them. And I have lost a lot of best friends and I keep having new ones and I lose the connection right away. Maybe it's them or myabe it's me. I'm a scaredy-cat. A chickenshit. But so far, nobody, NOBODY has ever seen that. Nobody has figured out that I'm always afraid. Nobody's ever dared to break that wall and try to see who I really am. One thing I've always observed in people is that they are so consumed in their own lives, in their own feelings, in their own talents that they sometimes forget that others have those too. That's why I sometimes wish I wasn't born with this kind of sensitivity. It hurts sometimes.

The MOALBOAL Experience

The MOALBOAL Experience

Yesterday was the Production Party of My Fair Lady. Let me tell you now that there aren't enough words to describe what that experience was like. But for the purpose of relieving myself of lingering thoughts, I will try to narrate what happened here. In Bisaya haha.

Ang call time namo kay alas singko nya kay Filipino time man lagi, alas sais na tawn mi nakalarga. Kasagaran sa amu kay LingLit kay busy daw kaayo ang ComArts. I think it's not fair. Pwede ra man cguro na nila mahimu karong Sunday. Kami gani daghan assignment. Si Lori luoy kay di maka igat2 kay wala man si Jared bwahaha. Duha ka bus ang amo kipakyaw kay abi man lagi namo na manguban ang mga ComArts. So kay wala man sila, grabi kaluag sa second bus. Lingaw man sad ang byahe padung ngadto kay nanganta mi ug nagjoke2 hehe. Pero grabi gyud kasakit sa among lubot pag-abot. Almost two and a half hours ang byahe kay mga 9 kapin nami naabot. Dah pag abot jud grabi pagkasaba oi. Kami cge ug "WATER!!!". Grabi ka nindot sa balas, balud pajud kaayo. Excited namiiii!!! Pagnaug namu sa bus, nagpalumbaanay ang mga taw sa CR kay kaihiun na. Nyahaha. Ang uban nag-ilis na sa ilang mga bikini, ang uban nag picture2.

Nagtambay2 pa tawn mi sa cottage, ki feel sa namo ang environment. Bugnaw kaayo ang tubig. Si Lori ganahan na maligo so nag-ilis na si Sordy ug Godece. Pagbutang namu sunblock, diretso nami sa tubig ni Sordy. Si Godece taud2 na kuno. Waaah grabi ka batuon! Murag mabitas anytime amu tsinelas. Layu-layu nami, mabaw gihapon ang tubig. Si Paul ug si Ms. Chat miapas namu. Nya sila Godece ug Hannah. Kay batuon lagi, ang amu ra kalingawan kay magpa-anod sa mga bawd. Lingaw man pero sakit intawn sa mata ug lawas kay maigo man sa bato. Katong kapoy na, namalik mi. Diha diay toy black nga iro. Dako kaayo! Ganahan kaayo ko niya!! Paghuman duwa2 sa dako nga itom nga iro, nangaon nami. As promised, ang cast ang ni serve sa uban. In the middle of things, ning-ulan bitaw na...with wind pajud ha. So ang mga taw, tindog intawn nangaon. Kami ni Aaron nami sa gawas pajud sa cottage. Thank God nihunong ang uwan unya mi-init. Katong init2 na, nangaligo mi ug balik ni Sordy, this time, kauban si Patette. Naa naman sa dagat sila Aaron, JC, Adam, Rizna ug Anja so misunod na lng mi nila. Padung na taob so di na kaayo mabaw pero batuon gihapon! Ingon sila di daw kaayo batuon sa unahan so nangadto mi. Sakto jud. Naa man pud didto silang Cinette, Irene, sila Melody, Shanny, Martin...nagpicture2 na lng pud mi. Kadugayan nanghawa sila so kami na lng nila Rizna nabilin. Nagpa-anod, nagpicture2...lingaw pud baya. Diha na nako namatikdan na sakit na akong bugan. Si Sordy pud, sakit na pd daw iyaha so namalik mi. Pag abot namo adto nangaon mi kadiyot ug chichirya ug ni-inum ko ug isa ka shot nga Mojitos. Haha. Wla pa gani ko kapahulay, kibira naman ko nila Ate Shasha ug ni Patris kay mangadto daw mi ug Boracay. Ingon sila di jud daw batuon...adto sa pinakaunahan. Hay bisag kipilas ko, go gihapon! Pag abot namu, mas nindot jud diay ngadto. Wala ko naligo kay sakit na jud ako pilas so mi-una nalng ko. Pagbalik nako, nagduwa sila ug Buwan-buwan. Ganahan ta ko mu-apil pero sakit man jud. Nakapalit gud ko bag-ong shorts haha. Paghuman nila Buwan-buwan, nangadto sila sa Boracay. Pisti! Ganahan jud ko mukuyog nya sakit japon ako bugan. Natulog nalng ko. Pagmata nako, mingaw na kaayo ang mga cottage. Ang nabilin ra tawn ang mga wala nangaligo. Tua daw ang uban sa Boracay. Kay di naman kaayu sakit jud, niapas ko. Pagpadung nako ngadto, voila! A sandstorm! Pisti grabi kasakit sa lawas, murag dagum ang hangin! Katong hapit nako, kitukmod ko ni Ate Sha2 sa dagat. May ra pd oi ky nagdali-dali man jud ko ug tugsaw kay sakit ang balas. Sus kay BAGYO naman jud diay nya delikado na! I had no frickin idea! I was having fun getting smashed by those waves. They were mother***** big!!! Katong kami nalang duha ni Patette, murag naka-sense ko na dapat na jud mi manghawa sa dagat. Ang katong nakasilong na sa sandstorm, cge shagit na manillong napud mi. Pero lisod oi kay pirmi ko maanod na pagtindog nako, maanod na pd ko. Luoy tawn si Patette kay maanod pud sha ug apil. Katong nakahawa najud mi sa dagat, naglakaw mi ug paspas padung sa balay sa unahan. GRABI jud kasakit!!!! Murag kag kitattoo sa tanan nimong lawas! Pag abot namo adto, nangutana tawn silang tanan if OK ra ba daw mi, Of course! Why wouldn't I be? I was wondering though why they looked so terrified. I thought it was great to experience a storm firsthand. But apparently, they thought otherwise. Later, I was beginning to have chills. Tugnaw na jud ang hangin. Bisag walay nagpanic, dihay cge ingon nga ayaw ug panic. I don't like it when people make a big deal out of things. We are obviously not going to fucking die. But of course, I know that we had to do everything to be safe and we can't be complacent. We prayed, then we walked, hand in hand, back to our cottages. Pag abot namo, wala na amo mga bag! Kisulod na daw tanan sa bus! Putragis! Wala jud mi naka-ilis. Gipangita dayun nako ako bag and when I found it, I behaved myself in my seat. No complains, I just sat there. Sila tanan ganahan mag-ilis so ila gipahawa tanan lalaki sa bus. I didn't want to change. Not without a proper dressing room. So I stayed wet. Hapit na mularga ang bus, naki-hitch pa jud ko ug isa ka tequilla shot from the other bus. Kato nilarga na, bati gihapun ang panahon pero mihinay na kadugayan.

I was freezing! As in murag padulong nako pneumonia. But I was in my happy mood so I knew I wasn't going to get sick. We slept a bit and when we woke up, nangita mi ug kalingawan. Ang uban nangihi pagstop-over sa bus. Si Ate Shasha diay ug si Ate Jocelyn, wala tawn mga tsinelas!! Murag naanod nato. Kaluoy. So after ato, wala nako nakatulog ug balik nya nanganta na lng mi ug grabi ka cheesy na mga songs until naabot mi. Pag-abot namo, I was shivering still but I was happy. I hugged everybody and we went home. Pag-abot namu sa bhouse, I was already coming down with a fever. Naligo ko, I changed, and I slept. At 8:30. I knew I was happy but I was feeling something opposite. Gikulbaan ko pero wala ko kasabot ngano. But oh well.

All in all, the MOALBOAL experience, is surely one to be always remembered! And talked about...

SUNDAY - A Memory

THE NIGHT AFTER

Wow! Last night was the most fun I've ever had since I don't know! I was in my drunkest self, I was dancing like crazy and I think I remember asking Paul to kiss me, which he did. Twice. Lol. Who wouldn't be f**king drunk? I had six shots of patron tequila BEFORE we went out so I was already getting there. But not totally there yet. When we got to Gabbannas, our friends were there already. Too many to enumerate. But they were fun people. They were already making rounds of beer, which I passed every time it was offered to me (because beer is a something non grata in my stomach). Sir Eugene and our gay friends were on the neighboring club so we went there to visit them. We met his boyfriend who was fairly cute. They were also making rounds of beer which the fairly cute boyfriend offered me which I did not refuse because gay people are so good at persuading people and it was for Sir Eugene. Patette wasn't there so Paul and I smoked a bit. Just one stick, mind you. We also danced there haha. Along with our other friends who went there to visit with us. Ah I had my first sandwhich dance! And it was with Paul and Aldwin, too!!! Then we went back and I had my second sandwhich dance. And another sandwhich dance. Lol. I danced with A, too. Couldn't look at his eyes. I don't know if it was because I was too drunk to focus on his face or if I deemed the dance an awkward moment because his girlfriend was just like some significant meters away. I also met Maricar on the toilet when I was sticking my fingers on my throat to throw up. I was VERY drunk so I think I kind of greeted her rudely or something. I feel so bad. I always want to be nice to the people that the people I love love. But I think I couldn't help but feel jealous. A is very nice and he's easy to like. I'm trying to keep a safe distance between us because I have a very dangerous tendecy of falling for guys who give me attention. He was also joking about giving me a kiss because he totally saw Paul slobbering me. Even if I was already f**king stoned, I would NEVER EVER do that with a guy who already has someone he loves. And I would never do something as cruel as that to a girl I've just met. Maricar seems sweet and if A wants to cheat, which I don't think he will ever do, it will not be with me. EVER. But the thing is, if this is it. Then, this is it. I have no intention of denying that I've already stumbled. And in no time, I know I'm going to fall. But once I'm there, I have no right to act on it whatsoever. And I don't plan to. Not if I was drunk or concussed or out of my mind. I will not do anything about what I feel until the day comes when he's free and I'm ready. I don't wish for their relationship to end soon. God knows I don't. In fact, I want to cheer them on, to be happy for them. All people who are in love deserve to be happy with the people who love them back.

So enough with this ranting about love shit. After beer, we had VODKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had, what, five shots? So after those five shots, I can barely remember what happened. I do remember that Kenneth brought Kuya Lyndon with him and I sort of hugged him as if we were close. I don't remember exactly what I told him but I think I was saying something about Lynjun.and his girlfriend. Oops. Everybody else was drunk now and we were dancing with no inhibitions whatsoever. A few times I closed my eyes to sleep but Paul always woke me up. He is so loud and naughty when he's drunk hahaha. Around 1:30, I was feeling really bad. I didn't think I could hold it anymore so I insisted that we went home already. Sure, it was early but it was my stomach. I could have went home by myself but they insisted we went home together. So I paid for the vodka and literally stuffed the change in my bag. WE got into a taxi and I paid for the ride. I think my 500 peso bill fell when I was fumbling for the 100 bill. So now, I am an effing broke ass. But I am not really feeling bummed about it. I want to think it was worth it. Whatever I lost for the fun I had. The night and the day that led to it.

THE DAY THAT LED TO IT (haha)

The last day of the play I mean. I was so sad thinking it would end soon. Our late night rehearsals, our bonding in between scenes, our craziness, our whack ideas, our friendship. It won't be lost of course but the time..it was the time. It's the time that we can't bring back again. There was so much energy this morning. Call time was 9 but since everybody else was late as usual, we had spare time to eat and get a taste of another religion. They're called New Life. I had so much fun!!! I really felt God, you know. And I freaked out subtly when I saw Paul crying. I didn't think it was weird. In fact, I found it mysterious and overwhelming, So anyway, the first show was GREAT! We had great enery, Aldwin was great, Patette amazing and the rest of us energetic. Pattete's parents and kuya were watching so they kid of took it easy on the kissing scene. But in the end, her father got teary-eyed and so it was worth it, our energy I mean. The second show was just as great.Sir Eugene was a bit fidgety because the great Dr. Rosal was watching. Lol. When it was time for the third and last show, we held hands for a bit and held back tears. We prayed to God for its success. But were sure of our ENERGY! There was SOOO MUUCH ENEEEERRRGY!!

The time has come. House music pervades through the hall and soon it is filled with people's hushed voices, coming in and sitting down. For a moment, this random unremarkable sound is like jazz music to our ears, gentle and comforting. For a moment, we are entranced to our own different reveries, we are taken back to the day when all of us, people who had little to do with each other, met and became friends. Our hands begin to tremble so we find hold the hand closest to ours and hold it tight. The hall gets dark and the hushed voices is silenced. The announcement is made and it starts to rain. Then the people meet a flower girl and a phonetician and a retired colonel. They see her change into a lady. They meet the professor's housekeeper and mother, a social-climbing lady, her handsome son, a flighty hostess and a big-stomached Hungarian. The people laugh then they snigger. Sometimes, they fall silent. Sometimes, they clap. But we know that always, that flowegirl amazes them.

A fight ensues and the phonetician is heartbroken and he breaks down and cries out the name of the girl he loves. The people clap and we cry. This is it. The end. The lights shine again and we are called. Soon after, the stage is filled with hugs and kisses and hands and tears and memories and words. This is the end. Sad but happy. This is love. This is our moment.

OVER

I've realized something really important today: I AM OVER HIM!!!!

I am totally over G! I am so happy!! I saw him walking past this afternoon and of course I talked to him and I totally felt NOTHING. In fact, I was a bit annoyed. I think about it 'till now and I don't feel tingles or shivers like I normally would. And I wasn't sad to see him go and I had NO desire whatsoever to see him again, which is good.

I was with Godece and she attributed it to me having feelings for A. Reality check: Dude has a girlfriend and I have no intention of being a third party. EVER. And besides, I finally figured out that the bonding we have is nothing more than friendship. I am not the desperate type. If A likes me as more than a friend, then great. If he doesn't, then great too. I'll take whatever comes my way. Seriously, I don't care anymore. The fact that I'm feeling uglier and fatter each day is not helping. Maybe this love thing isn't for me...for now, I guess. But I'd still want to look pretty...just in case. Haha.

***

I just finished watching The Uninvited. I liked it. Emily Browning is so pretty and she's short like me. I guess if I was skinny like her and had nice hair and a clear face, I think I'd look really beautiful. But thing is, I don't have all those. And in a world like ours, you need to be beautiful to make the cut. Seriously, if I had been prettier, I'd be playing more significant roles in the play. Not that I don't like being Mrs. Pearce...it's just I know I can do better. For God's sakes, I could do Eliza or even Higgins! But being short and fat and ugly only gets you forgettable roles like the governess or the parlormaid or the passerby. Sometimes, I think it's unfair. I can only be the smart best friend or the dependable side-kick, I never get to have the spotlight. They don't even give me the antagonist roles for Pete's sake! No I'm not saying I want to be Eliza because I don't. Really. The point is I deserve more. I deserve to have my talents recognized, too. I deserve to have people's attention for a minute. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be respected as a friend. I deserve to be more than just a lady-in-waiting.

And I will get all those things. There are no small roles. I will make myself significant in this world. I know I was born for something great. I will be beautiful and make people regret that they ever thought I was ugly and undeserving. Yes. I am FAT and UGLY and SHORT. But I swear, on my very soul, that will change. Someday, someday, it will.

No Longer My Friend

I hate real-life drama. Maybe because I've watched too many melodramatic soap operas on TV. Or maybe because I don't like to recognize my cowardice in confronting other people about the shit they do to me.

When people talk about going into fights with others, I always tell myeslf I'm lucky I don't have to go through with those kind of things. I hate fighting, I don't like having enemies, I detest hating people...especially when they're your friends. But until what point can you tolerate the mess other people make in your life? How do you know the right time to not care? I am so troubled right now. I want to think people can keep their promises, that they can somehow be worthy of my trust. But I've realized even friends betray you. And it hurts.

I don't know how my friends see me. I don't know if they are aware that sometimes they get into my nerves and make me cry. I don't know if they realize that I have my own feelings too and sometimes they have to recognize that I can also get hurt. I am not the kindest person. There is a limit to my patience, to my generosity, to my tolerance, especially to my friendship. Because friendship to me is a very important thing. Because when I make friends, I make it a point to make myself visible in their lives. I make sure they know they can always turn to me, that I'm always there. I make it a point to make them realize that I love them unconditionally. Because I don't believe in frienship with benefits. Frienship should be unconditional and free. I was sure my friends thought that way too. Now I'm not so sure.

When I treat you to dinner or lunch or to a movie, it doesn't mean I always will. I am NOT fucking rich. So when the first thing you say when we see each other is "panlibre beh", you can bet fucking rock-bottom that you just hit bullseye on my heart. I am NOT a fucking restaurant. When you say that to me, I feel like you want to be friends with me only because you can get freebies. When I let you borrow money, it DOES NOT fucking mean that you don't have to pay me back. Again, I am NOT fucking rich. My mom toiled to send me my allowance and you don't have a right to just take it away without paying. And when I don't ask for it back, DO NOT think that I don't want it back. I'm just being both considerate and a coward. So FUCK YOU for ever thinking that I don't feel anything when you borrow money over and over again without paying me back. BELIEVE ME, I could kill you. When you lie to me, I'd understand your reasons for doing so. But when you lie to me again, I'd think you think I'm stupid and I will NEVER believe you EVER AGAIN. When you take something from me without my permission (a.k.a stealing), like for example, my 500 peso bill, I WILL BITCH AT YOU unless you admit you did it and return my things to me. When I catch you redhanded, I swear to my Father's grave, I will rip your hair out of your head. But worse than that, you will have lost my trust. And when my trust is lost, NOTHING you do will ever bring it back. When I tell you I support and understand you, I MEAN it. But that does not mean I approve of the things you do. I am not the type of person who tells others what to do. I believe humans are naturally smart. So I leave it to your "intelligence" and your conscience to decipher which things you have to do and which things you should stop doing.

Yes, I am writing about you bitch and you have lost my trust, my respect and my friendship. It makes me sick to look at the shit you have made out of your life. I don't want to think that I am starting to hate you but you make it sooo fucking hard. I am sorry for you more than I ever have for any other person. You chose what you have chosen. I told myself I wasn't going to judge you until the day you make or break. You are on the verge of breaking and I am on the verge of losing my temper. I still care about you but recently, I've learned it's much more convenient to be indifferent. I have told you what I'm suppose to tell you. I have warned you and supported you and understood you. But it seems I have not achieved the desired effect. I've done my responsibility as a friend, now it's up to you to do yours. Your life is ruined and I am tired of picking up your slack.

I will still talk to you. I will still be civil and act as I always do but from this point on, you are no longer my friend.

my heart is confused.

The Week

One week without classes can make you forget to update your blog. Haha. Or is that ironic?

Rehearsals were full away this week. I watched a bit of volleyball, I visited the Regional Trial Court and witnessed two criminal cases, I also watched the Closing Ceremony for the Intramurals for the first time. Also apparently, I developed a crush on one of my co-actors. Haha funny.

I'm not sure how I feel yet because seeing Gen at the forum made me happy like heaven. And we held hands for a second which felt really good. AAAhhh!! Haha. And I bought that cake for Aaron because it was his birthday and because I wanted him to feel special. Not because I wanted to flirt.

And my mom came last Saturday and we shopped the whole day! I love it! I have a bunch of new stuff right now! And I got rich, too but got broke again. I treated Patette and Lori to Hola Espanol! Couldn't help it. I can't bear seeing Patette so down in the dumps so I just had to make her happy. And today we watched the 3D version of UP. I cried sooo hard! It was such a BEAUTIFUL movie!!

So that was what happened this week. Good luck to me this week!

not exactly

I don't exactly know what to write except that I don't want to write.

Not about secrets of other people. What I'm going to say is that what I found out today was painful and right now I feel like I could cry for days.It's so unfair that the really bad things happen to good people.

I want to write though about how I lost my mom's engagement ring.

Saturday afternoon. It was hot and boring. After Godece, Sordy and I watched 10 thingsI hate about you, I suggested we went swimming at Family Park. It was just a spur-of-the-moment thing but then we went anyway. Before we left, I took off my ring because I DID NOT WANT TO LOSE IT there. Details of the swim are not noteworthy because the place and pool sucked. So we went home and I forgot to wear it back.

SUnday afternoon. After practice, Lori texts me that her 1000 peso bill went missing. She remembers putting it in her jewelry drawer but doesn't remember if she locked the door when she went out. I was thinking of checking if it was locked before I went down but DID NOT. I don't feel worry because it wasn't my money so I go home and help her look for the bill. I am telling her that I was lucky none of my things were stolen: Night is still on my bed and my money is still in my closet. I am confident when I suddenly remember that I am not wearing my ring. I panic and I rummage my jewelry box for it and COULD NOT FIND IT.

I cried so hard. I don't know how to tell my mother. I don't why things like these happen to me either. Apparently, I am not able to keep authentic jewelries. I lost the ring my mom gave when I was a kid when I put it in the giveaway box they gave away at my aunt's wedding. I probably took the wrong one and some lucky bastard found the ring and got lucky with it. Next, this gold necklace which I pawned Valentines Day of 2007. It was one of the things I regret most. The money I got and the things I bought with it were not worth it. And now, my mom's engagement ring. Got stolen when somebody entered our apparently UNLOCKED door. I still get teary-eyed thinking about it. I am just thankful Night was not stolen because if he was, I'd drug myself to death.

I don't want to blame my roommate but I can't deny that I'm placing half of the blame on her. Sometimes, I just want to stab her with my green scissors. She's so f**king careless and inconsiderate. And I know it's not good to think ill of people but sometimes, no, most of the time, I hope they'd kick her out and leave me alone (better) or with another roommate (okay with it).

Mixture

My days have now become a mixture. Early in the day, it gets really, really bad and later in the day, I get so happy.

Rehearsals have been fun lately. Last Tuesday was the CAS Assembly so we just stayed around to wait for the rehearsals. Godece and Sordy were there with us, too! So we ate baked mac and found chinese garters and felt the sudden urge to be kids again. We bought some and then excitedly planned to play on the rooftop! It was sooo much fun! Half of us barely made it though. Haha. Apparently, our reflexes aren't as good as it used to be when we were much younger. After we played chinese, we sat for a while and decided to jog around and then play the three-legged race. AAAAHH!! I can't remember the last time I laughed sooo hard! So after that, there was stil some energy left so we played Marco Polo. Poor Sordy, had to be groped! Haha. Then we also commemorated our CAT days and formed our CAT formation under our commandant Hannah. Heeehee.

Whew. I was dripping from sweat like crazy after that! It was time to rehearse already so we rested. It would have been a good day absolutely had Patette been happy, too. But she wasn't. She was crying all over the place and just looking at her breaks my heart. She's upset over their dance but I didn't she had to be upset about it. She performed really well. So did the rest of her groupmates. SO before Patette came, I volunteered to be Eliza and realized that being lead IS really a difficult job. But I enjoyed it and they seem to have enjoyed my performance, too because we were all laughing.

Wednesday morning. I cried like shit. I was sooo angry I could have killed someone if I had the means to. First, I woke up late to write my essay so I finished late. As a result, I barely had time to take a bath and get dressed. I got out of the room, 5 minutes before the start of first period. I hurriedly went out to find a computer cafe to print the paper. Unfortunately, I had to walk quite a distance to find something open and unfortunately, 2 nursing students were lined up before me, printing and photocopying 5 pages of papers and arguing with the counter lady that it was supposed to be printed in long bond paper. I was already pissed so I imposed myself and had my essay printed first. So I was already LATE. When I was about to enter, the fucking guards stopped me. WHY?! Because I was wearing a pedal that was long enough to be a capri!!! I was already pissed because I had worn it a dozen times and had never been held off before. I told them I was late for my midterms but they would not listen and told me to enter through the center gate. I felt shouting but I knew there was nothing I could do. I went out and saw that the middle gate was fucking far so I decided to go home and change instead. When I entered again, I was already on the verge of crying because I was almost 30 minutes late already. They stopped me again to glance at my ID and I instinctively said "pisti" so they let me in. I took the exams with a heavy heart and when we got the cafeteria, I burst out and cried.

Thank God for friends, though I was able to smile again. The rest of the went pretty well after that. Rehearsals got us all laughing like crazy! Both the Elizas were absent so I again filled in for them. Lori was out somewhere else so Ken was the one who filled in for her. We just laughed so hard I felt my ovaries were coming off! Also, Patette told me really wonderful stories which really inspired me and made me happy. So all in all, I was happy yesterday. I hope to be happy today, too. So long.

Hell Days

My days have been bad lately. I feel happy earlier in the day and then I find myself on the verge of self-injury a little later. Maybe it's the PMS thing I always hear but never actually experienced. Gah! At times I just want to kill someone!!!

Like yesterday, I went to Ayala to buy some stuff and as always, shopping made my happy. It was still early so I sat for a while and I headed off at around 6. Fucking traffic! Now you've probably guessed it that I arrived at 7 am. Thankfully though, one of my classmates seem to have been through the same boat and we arrived just about at the same time. I got 46/50 in my French midterms which is disappointing for me because I could have aced it had I taken it seriously and studied. Shite! I was just soo confident! But I was happy anyways. 46 is after all is still a high score.

Also, when I came home, the room was MESSY. And I spent 2 hours cleaning it like fuck and somebody has to mess it up in what, like, 2 minutes? I hate it when I do something nice and somebody totally screws it up and doesn't even bother or care to put the place in one clean piece again. And I hate the awkwardness. Because I know we both know that I know the HEAP of trouble she's into right now. I don't want to ask. She doesn't want to tell me, apparently. So we don't talk. AT ALL. Except of course when she asks me trivial things and I answer just as trivially. Talk about one hell of an elephant in the room.

It's just not me, you know. To be all brave and just bitch at someone like that. More so if she's been your friend for two years and who you thought was really cool until she goes and makes a big shit out of her life. Damn. I hate to be the firsthand witness of all this and I can't even do anything. I'd like to hope that she'd soon realize all the shit she's becoming. I don't even think she's beautiful anymore! She now looks like the crap's been beaten out of her! For now, I'll just keep silent until she comes around and gather up the courage to tell me herself.

Bad days, bad days, bad days. When will you fucking end?

Back in Leyte

Last Friday was one of the worst days I've ever had to face. Everything got totally screwed up from my plan to study for physical science to the ticket. I was sooo fucking frustrated!!! But thank God for friends. Godece and Sordy and Patette cheered me up so I still went home with a smile.

I had fun!! But before my cousins came, I was bored out of my mind. There was no one I could talk to so I just played games on my cellphone. So I went up and met with Auntie Ella's made Ling-ling. She's pretty and really talkative and it makes me think it's a shame that she's not in school. And she said I was pretty so haha, that made my day. When Joan and Joy arrived, I was elaated! We caught up with each other's lives and talked 'till we were called by the old ones to help make sandwiches. It was when we met our 22-year old uncle we call Kuya Jay. When I first saw him, I absolutely thought he was reeaally cuute. But hands off of course, we're uncle and niece. Haha. All of us spent the whole night playing card games and slept at around 4:00 am. We also talked and goofed around. When we woke up, it was still 8 am.

The burial was at 1pm. I was teary-eyed because I saw my mom crying. But I wasn't able to cry myself. I don't know why. Maybe the tears I cried on Thursday were enough. So now I'm back in Leyte and not too excited to go back to Cebu. Because there will 3 midterm exams waiting for me and I haven't studied for one yet! But hopefully, I'll be able to study on the ship and maybe ace the midterms?! Hahaha.

Bad Morning

I woke up bad today. I slept at 2 am and had my alarm set at 4 and I woke up at 7 instead and found out that all the files I saved last night are gone. Fuck. I hibernated the fucking computer.

I'm going home tonight so I ought to feel better. And luckily, I only have one exam. But I have two classes. Last night, was my niece Nikki's birthday. It was held at Hotel Asia. Boy, the people! I was genuinely shocked at the crowd last night! And I brought Patette, Sordy and Godece with me too. I wanted them to meet my family. It was a shame though that my mom wasn't able to come. I'd love for them to meet her. But what really broke my heart was Tit's expression. He didn't seem at all happy. He probably misses mom already because he's leaving again for work. Kuya, too, will be leaving next week. It makes me sad knowing my mom has to be alone again for a long time. I don't know if she's gotten used to it but people don't normally want to me alone. It gives them too much time to think. And I don't like the things she might be thinking...with lolo dying and tits leaving and all. I just feel, even for a day,that I need to be with her and make her feel that even if we don't have that ideal mother-daughter bond, that I love her and I don't want her to feel sad.

But anyway. Life is sometimes that way. All I can do for her is to give my best on the exams. *sighs*

I'm still feeling pissed but not that much anymore.

This Sad Day

I woke up today knowing that my mom wouldn't be coming. I had a feeling. I wasn't excited. But to be sure, I tidied up my room last night. I scrubbed the floor, the bathroom, and swept like crazy. I finished around 1 am and slept. It was a good sleep. I even had a dream which I couldn't remember now.

Last night's rehearsals were good. But I don't want to talk about yesterday. I want to talk about today. I was right. My mom's not coming. My grandfather died. And now I'm crying my eyes out.

My lolo had been sick since I was old enough to learn who he was. He had some sort of degenerative disease, the ones that eat up your motor nerves until you are eventually disabled from moving about or talking to your grandchildren. I didn't have the chance to get know lolo because by the time I had stories to tell, he already lost the ability to speak comprehensibly. He'd murmur and twist his face almost in smile, as if asking how I was doing in school. I remember smiling back and saying I was in okay and he laughed like a sick person would laugh. My mom was the only person who could understand him and she said he wasn't asking how I was but what grade I was in. I laughed back and shyly told him I was in 5th grade. That was the only conversation I remember having with him.

As I grew up, he grew more sick. And when I got to college, he was thin as a sick. We'd eventually visit and give him a kiss on the forehead but that was all the contact we made with him. And now he's gone and I wish I did something more. He could still hear. Why didn't I talk to him like I should have? Let him know that I was grown up? I'm sure that would have made him happy although I know he wouldn't be able to show it. I should've done something that made him happy. But I know he was happy. I hear him almost saying I miss you when he murmurs as I make lamano. And you can see in his eyes how excited he is every time we come over and just being there even if we don't talk to him. I'm sure if he could talk and move, he'd drive us in his four-wheeled bicyle and take us to that river where they used to fish.

I'm stupid. I just realized how much I loved him and now it's too late.

Getting Broke

I'm getting broke. Fast.

Have I mentioned that on Friday, Patette and I pigged out at Shakey's? Yes, and there went the money I put aside to buy a new printer. And also yesterday, when I was about to step out to buy a drama series to occupy myself for the coming days, we went out again. What was initially supposed to be just cheese strussel and coffee at Julies which would usually cost less than 20 pesos turned out to be a Mango Frost and a Choco Banana Muffin at Figaro's which cost me 200 pesos. And now, I barely have budget for this week. Thank God though that parents will be coming on Wednesday for Nikki's birthday, and probably to check on me. And of course that implies that I'd have to clean the room and hide whatever it is that they might not want to see. It also spells another thing: MONEY. Haha, guess I won't be too broke this week!

Rehearsals were good yesterday, I enjoyed myself. Today too was fun. Before we rehearsed the scenes, we did few acting drills which were really fun. Apparently, Aaron and I are being typecast as a couple. Heh. Imagine Colonel Pickering and Mrs. Pearce having an affair haha. So Anyway, I went to mass today, too. After the rehearsals, I went to meet with Dara and Lynjun for dinner. My money was enough luckily. I'm really tired right now and I'll probably sleep after I post this. So, all in all, my Sunday is good. Hoping Monday will be too!

This I Have to Say

Friday was the day I had too much to eat. Literally! My stomach could barely hold it in! It was because after play rehearsals, Patette and I had a spur-of-the-moment hunger and we jumped out of the jeep to eat in Shakey's. I wasn't THAT hungry but I was nonetheless hungry.

Rehearsals were okay. I had fun because we kept goofing around about Mrs. Pearce and Colonel Pickering getting a kissing scene of their own. Well, anyway, we'll be rehearsing today, too so come what may.

It's Saturday morning and I haven't got much to say yet except that I am utterly disappointed with this one person. It's so shameful to watch someone undergo a process of slow eventual damage. More so if you actually witness it. I am never the type of person to judge other people so I reserve my judgment until the day comes when this person either changes for the better or ruins his/her life completely. But now, all I can say is that I am disappointed. He/She has so much to give, smart and attractive and funny, and yet, he/she wastes herself over this humdrum useless gathering of vices.

But I guess there is something to learn from other people's mistakes. Seeing this person under the influence of alcohol and what-not makes me want to be better. And I want to be better. I want to understand why he/she is doing this to his/herself but truthfully, I really don't get it. Family reasons, perhaps? That's a fucking lame excuse. I grew up without a father and barely a mother and I'm not out there destroying my life. But I guess it goes to show how people can be vulnerable to the world. I think this person is special and I hate to see him/her waste away all the good things that he/she has.

*sigh* In the end though, all I can do for this person is to be there for him/her and pray that one day, he/she can see that the world is so much more beautiful that what other people try to make it seem. Ma, I am ending here.

An Empty Thursday

I should have gone hoome!! Rehearsals were canceled today and that put the icing on the cake. I absolutely did not do anything significant today. Well, except that I finished my assignments and finally found a copy of Skip Beat!, today was really, really empty.

I'm starting to feel lonely again. And I haven't felt lonely since..well...a very long time. Maybe I'm just feeling a little homesick. *sighs* I want to go home so bad I'm starting to regret I'm part of the cast. But of course, I'll never absolutely regret it. It's always been an ambition to star in a real production. My role is not really significant but I'm proud of myself.

Rehearsals though weren't what I pictured it to be. I can't put it to words but I think something is missing. Oh well. I guess I'll be watching Skip Beat! all night.

Wednesday

Today is Genesis', Adam's and Jarvin's Birthday. I greeted all of them via text. Ah I was so happy to receive their replies, especially Kuya Gen's since we don't text too much. We have no classes today so I agreed to go out with Sam.

I enjoyed it because we got to catch up with each other. She made me wait an hour though. I was okay with it because I entertained myself by squiring the national bookstore. I taught her the basics of Russian. Before that, we had lunch at Moon's. AAAhh!! I am so full right now! Then we went to Seattle's for coffee. I realized that Starbucks is much preferable. I told her I'd leave early for rehearsals so I left at 2.30.

Sordy and Godece already left last night for Leyte. I was sooo envious! I want to goo hoome so badly!! But we have rehearsals and not going home will be the price of being in the cast. Well, anyway. We still have no classes tomorrow. Oh well, seems like some okay day for me.

But I hope though that today will be happy for the birthday boys. They're all nice guys. They deserve to feel special today. So I'm ending today's post here.

First Rehearsals

I stick to my word that skipping a major class like English31 to make a report for a minor subject like Physical Science is crazy. But I'm going to be honest. I was really bent on skipping but then I realized that I didn't want to see a highlighter instead of my signature on the attendance list. So I came. Still. Haha

I was glad I came because we had a short quiz and I didn't get to report in PhyScie. I imagine I'd be throwing a fit if I skipped. So I spent the rest of the afternoon sleeping. It wasn't a good siesta because I kept waking up to pee. I keep peeing these days and the left side of my abdomen hurts. I told my mom about it and she said they were signs of Urinary Tract Infection and I had to take an anti-biotic. I don't get it. A part of me is actually looking forward to getting UTI...am I the weirdest or what?

So I had my first rehearsals today for our play. We are doing My Fair Lady which is technically based on George Bernard Shaw's Pygmalion. I got the part of Mrs. Pearce. I wanted Mrs. Higgins but Mrs. Pearce is also okay. At least I get to say something, right? So anyway, I enjoyed it. I could say I was surprised to discover that JC is GOOD. He's really good! He knows how to put stresses and use intonations on his lines and his facial expressions are flawless too. Patette was of course, as expected, great. Her cockney is good too. Danica has to improve on hers a bit but she's nonetheless got it. I'm not sure about Aldwin being Mr. Higgins though. He has good voice projection but his lines sound monotonous. Well anyway, I'm sure everyone's going to improve once we get the hang of rehearsals. Sir Eugene is okay as a director, at least he's not too uptight. Or maybe because we're still at the beginning. The rehearsals excite me at really high levels but I'm sad because I wouldn't be able to go home because of them. We're going to be rehearsing like crazy starting this week until of course the play dates.

I'm kind of hoping my parents could come and watch. My role is small but at least they could watch me do my thing for once. Speaking of parents, ah, I miss them sooo much!!! I want to gooo hoooome!!! Godece and Sordy are leaving for Leyte tonight which makes me really upset. *tears* And we don't have classes tomorrow and Thursday. *sighs*

My only source of consolation is that this play will be worth it. Which I'm sure it will be. When I think of that, I'm not so sad anymore. Oh well. I end here.

Dolly's Birthday

Yesterday was Dolly's Birthday! She's turning 19 this year..and so will the rest of us haha. Scaaary. Anyway, I had soo much fun!

I wasn't really planning on going at first because I wasn't in the mood to go out. Yesterday was also the first rehearsals for the cast and some of us were confused if we had to go or not. But when Dolly texted me that we were her only guests, I had to come. It's hard to say no to something like that.

So I met with Earl and Lynjun at E-mall at ll.40, Jaye and Alyssa came at around 12 and as expected, we left at around 12.15. We also bought this mango float-ish cake for Dolly which was really yummy. When we got to her house, no one else was there but her family. We were a bit shy but then we eventually warmed up. The eating started and the next thing I knew, I was having the fullest moment of my life. I was just so full I felt like I was going to throw up anytime! I hadn't eaten that much food since our fiesta! My poor stomach!

So we stayed there for around four hours, still eating (even if there was barely room) and talking. I wanted to go to Ayala to buy *that* but they insisted we should go to mass together. Seriously, if people had friends like mine, they wouldn't be off doing drugs or wasting themselves on alcohol. But we had beer of course, which I didn't indulge myself in because the smell by itself is already vomit-inducing. So we walked to Church and heard mass and parted ways.

I went to Ayala and on the way, was able to talk to Sir Khleint. Haha he's still soo talkative! And then I went home. My original plan was to sleep directly but I found Lori watching My Boss my Hero so I watched with her. Ah it never gets old!

But another little thing that made me happy today was when Ezra called Dolly, he asked for me to be put on the phone and we talked for about a minute. It was awkward, I didn't know what to say. That made me happy because that proved that somehow, I was missed. There's also that other thing but I won't be reading too much into it. Don't want to risk my heart out there a second time.

On the whole anyway, yesterday was a good day. A little windy and rain-y but it was exactly my kind of weather. Today is Monday and I only have two classes. Right now, I'm thinking of skipping English 31 to make my report in Physical Science but I think that doesn't make sense. Haha.

Long Time No Write

I realized today, thanks to that seminar we had this afternoon, that I needed to write here again. I don't really know why I stopped. But looking back, I think it was because my life got to a point where I just can't write things anymore and just enjoy stuff without having to type down every detail of it. But I guess that was just me being a lazy bum. I have realized now that writing is a part of who I am.

I didn't really wanna go to today's seminar because it's journalism and I'm not really into that kind of writing. But I'm glad I did go. The seminar's speaker was amazing. She's an Filipino-American entertainment journalist named Nadine Mendoza. She talked about how she started with a small dream which eventually introduced her to the industry of writing of and about celebrities. It sounds a hassling job but she sounds just like the type of person who could do stuff like that and be good at it. I've never dreamed of becoming a journalist but now that I have met her, I feel like I could also take that path.

My dream, back when I was still six, was to be an actress. The writing part came a little much later when I got addicted to reading and discovered I could also write stuff. I've known because something in my gut have always told me that I was born to be part of the entertainment industry. I wanted attention, I knew how to keep it when I had it. I love being recognized. It's just that feeling when you know you're meant to do something but don't actually understand what that something is. I know, I just know, that I was not meant to be just ordinary. I know someday, a lot of people will know who I am. I am sure of that.

I also know that people have to start small. I'm not gonna lie and say that I was okay when they told me I wasn't part of the major cast list of our play. I think I was disappointed with myself because I allowed myself to get attached to that thought that I'd be someone needed in that production. But thinking about it allowed me to realize that I have to accept whatever they give me. I have to start at the bottom. I do not have a right to be arrogant or proud. I am just a part of the play. It doesn't revolve around me.

So anyway, I feel better now that I am writing this down. I'll try to write everyday but knowing myself, it is more likely that I will not be able to do that. But I WILL write as much as possible.

I'm really feeling that English major spirit right now. Which is good. So I am ending the first post of many other posts to come (hopefully ;-)).

The Thing About Moving

The thing about moving is that:

1. You need boxes. And I've thrown every single one I had. So, I stuffed everything into big bags with medicinal generic names on them. The electric fan and cooler, we had to carry without wrapping them with anything.

2. You need friends...to help you. Because you can't carry a gigantic stroller you can't carry by yourself. And you can't straddle two backpacks on your back at once and both your arms will probably break if you try to carry four big bags on each of them.

3. You need cash. One, because Talamban is 30 minutes away and two, because taxi drivers are not usually nice and they will ask for extra cash whenever there is an opportunity to do so.

4. You need strength. First, to pack all your stuff. Second, to carry them. Third, to unpack them. Fourth, to get them all settled.

5. You have to clean the bathroom. Because the previous occupant of the room apparently wanted to give you a nasty cleaning job as a bequeath-al gift.

6. You can't watch a horror movie during your first night. Because if you do, the marks on the wall will freak you out and you will not be able to sleep at all.

7. You have to buy what it is you want to buy when you find yourself in the city. Because if you don't, you'll have to walk a kilometer to find a store that sells the thing you need.

8. You have to constantly watch for jeeps because Talamban has no side-walks and if you are careless, you will find yourself run over by a 13C and that is a bust because 13Cs are big jeeps and will squish you really bad.

9. You have to have activities in mind because when things get boring, which is probably the case 90 percent of the time, you will find yourself talking to yourself in the bathroom. And when this continues, you might get really insane in no time.

10. You have to have music with you. Because the quiet in your new place will drive you crazy.

11. You can't expect that the guys in your new place are cute. Because even if they are, they are already married...to their computers.

12. You make a blog entry about moving because you have to get over the whole hassling thing. And you have to chill because it's over.

What Happened During the Second Sem?

Was it better or worse than the worst semester which was last semester? Hmmn. It was better, loads better. Here's why:

1. God seems to find it funny to throw me in a class with my crushes. I'm talking about him and the other him. I know I was praying for it but I didn't realize it would actually happen. And when it did, it wasn't what I hoped for. Well, sometimes, I get the occasional blushes and several days of having brain-freeze because him and othe other him are all I could think about..but you know...nothing happened. No hey-I-could-be-your-boyfriend moments. What the hell. It was good nothing happened because I realized that I DON'T want anything to happen. He is too snobbish and he is too proud. I've figured I want neither of them.

2. Dr. Hope S. Yu. She is like the most amaaaazing teacher you could ever have! I was glad Chemistry was almost dissolved and I had to drop Language studies and take Poetry and Fiction. It was all twisted but I think I was meant to be in her class. And to think we were just of-shoots from the original class because we were too many and some of us (our group) had to transfer to an earlier schedule. We had sooo much fun! The discussions were full of insight and Dr. Hope is just aaahh she is so amaaazing!! And we did this suitcase epic thing for our finals..I really enjoyed it.

3. Lots of hang outs with friends. With my high-school friends and the Spice girls plus manager. The staff in McDonalds must be sick of us because we were always hanging out 'till 1 am to talk and laugh and get really noisy. We also created a habit of going to mass together 5:30 pm at the USC chapel. Ain't that sweet? For the spice girls, well, we had lots of ice cream and sleepovers and we went karaoke. And we danced. And went wall climbing and taebo and decorated boxes. We also passed around this green rubber in a ritual we call "the sisterhood/brotherhood (because of Paul) of the traveling condom" haha I still laugh everytime I try to think about it.

4. Uhm..got sortof addicted to the stick. But no worries, I'm quitting it.

5. I had to pull consecutive all nighters to write research papers for minor subjects. Yeah, no typos right there, it's the minors who have requirements such as these.

6. I didn't get sick!! Yay!!

7. I got my laptop I named Night.

8. No more ReEd and PE!! But it was worth it. I AM SOOO HAPPY I enrolled in the 6:00 class for REED..it was soo fun and I really did learn lots of things. Ms. Marte, our teacher, was the doll. I really, really love her.

9. I grew up a bit. I did. On the whole, I realized a lot of things. I'm a 100% pure masochist but I don't think I will allow anyone to trample on my dignity just because they think I won't get mad. I can't tolerate being used anymore. People have to realize that once they rub off on my bad side, it's that. No more ms. nice girl.

10. I didn't do any dieting. What the effin hell,who cares anymore?

So basically, that's is all I could write for now. I'm growing bollocking lazy huh considering this is my first update in three months. Well anyway. Here's here.

solitude

the rain falls heavily on the roof

as if telling tiny stories

outside my window

so this is how it feels

when anger eats you up like

a monster

when solitude licks your skin

and fills up every starving pore

i'm all alone.

a lost shoe in the middle

of a wet hard marble road

abandoned, forgotten

is there anyone to claim me

from the coldness of this hour

from the chains of eternity i take

no pleasure in disovering

i am just alone.

a black diary with blank notes and

a set of rainbow colored pens

that know all the secrets

i am getting tired of thinking

that i love you and have no way

of giving freedom to the words that

have been longing to be claimed by your lips

i love you and you don't love me and still

i love you

i am still alone.

this boy i have met or

have never met and

will never meet again

pain is so sweet especially

when it is written in poetry

when the words make the bruises

sound like they are marshmallows

pink and soft and fluffy all over

i do not want to be alone.

a book of poems about

promises and memories and places

it's as if her words were all mine

if it were possible to forget you

to make your secret smile and your

warm eyes and the way your hair falls

over your head explode like boiling stars

from the cages of my memory i would have

raced time to get to the only way i can

i will not be alone.

Late New Year Post (of a frustrated stranded person)

I just realized that I haven't at all written anything for the new year and so, here it is. First things first, I'm feeling lucky this year. I don't know why but I do. Maybe such feelings were triggered by the several occasions my friends and I spent going to the pool, to a spring, to my house. And not only that, I feel kind of warm too, like every moment, I feel something wonderful is going to happen.

As I write, I am stranded here in Leyte, struggling not to bite my nails as I worry if ever I could find my ass in Cebu in time for classes tomorrow. There's this tropical depression and the coast guards won't let any goddamn ship sail because the coastal waters are going to be rough. There's no rain though and no wind so that kind of appends frustration to my worry. Although this has been the fondest memory of Christmas vacation that I could so far save in my cerebral cortex, I miss school and my friends at school. It's fun pigging out everyday and seeing trees and sleeping and waking up late but I feel useless. In school, I have function, I could directly tell myself that I'm needed so I want to go back.

2009 sounds good, I think I'm definitely going to be much, much better. I don't really believe in that new year resolution crap because no one should wait until new year to change. And besides, no one ever sticks to them anyway so why fucking bother. Also, I am not going to write a long list or summary of what happened last year. Suffice it is to say that it was a hard year, colored by countless curses and lies and stupid enmities and thunderstorms and power outages and frustrations about love, beauty and health. Also, that year, I seemed to distance myself from my high school friends. There were times when I seriously didn't want to hear anything from any of them. I don't know, I guess we just kind of drifted apart... what with different colleges and different new cirlce of friends. I think we were going through, in lovers' vocabulary, a rough patch. But we worked it out this Christmas. Once again, we were in high school and we were never away from each other. It's crazy how one moment I thought we were strangers and the next we're all the best of friends. Only they could do that. And that's probably why I kind of love so much.

Hmn aside from the bad stuff, the good thing about last year was its degree of insanity. Well, I'm not sure if insane is a good thing but if insane is there, fun is not so far away. And fun I did have. My college friends are one of the best group of people I could ever come across to in my life. They're all smart and funny and they're game for anything. And all these crazy ideas just keep pouring out. And last year I turned 18 too. Nothing to elaborate, nothing note-worthy happened. So this year hopefully, I could re-do the bad things and make them work for my advantage.

I'm posting a picture of the sky today. It's so gloomy. Makes you feel kind of depressed.

It's getting quiet, it's making me uneasy. My heart is beating shitty fast. Oh well, I guess I have to end this rant right here.