messy me

i've been squabbling over and over again. i can't help it. i've been really irritable these past few days and the frickin temperature didn't help either. i've been reading different stuff and watching a lot of movies and videos. i've been especially infuriated with my torrents which kept dowloading on and off. just like now. i really hate to wait. ugh! i just have to let it out!!

the view outside the window

yesterday, we went to my grandma's baranggay to celebrate their fiesta and i re-found this room which had a window. and when i opened that window, i found only one thing -- peace.









when i opened that window, suddenly i just felt peaceful, something that i haven't felt since our beach party. the wind was really cool, making you relax and stuff and the clouds were just beautiful. the scenery, the ricefield and the lake was really breathtaking. it just makes you want to just stay there and watch it for eternity. my cousins were there too and we had a great time talking about a lot of things.

when night came, we had fiesta dinner and watched ouran out of boredom. the temperature was "how-could-anyone-possibly-live-in-this-kind-of-heat" hot and there was no elbow room to breathe. there were probably about twenty kids running and screaming and driving you out of your mind! i was really loosing it. so then we went to the pageant. compared to last year, this year was really lame even when they've incorporated this stupid white screen that kept flashing the same thing every twenty minutes. and the hosts didn't even know english themselves. the candidates were stupid as usual and the whole thing was just pointless. the dance could have been nice but we didn't go because we had a kill joy in our party. fuckin sister. and i also accidentally deleted my files on my calendar. i wouuld have cried right then and there but i remembered that i still had my blog. whatever. well we went home and talked about things 'till 3 am.

morning came. breakfast. then we went home. that's it. apart from that view on the window, the whole thing was boring, senseless and just stupid.

at the dinner table

i just realized when i ate with my parents just a while ago that maybe being away from them for a long time might be one of the best things that could ever happen to me. i hate it when they're around. it's like im cooped up and i can't go free and i hate that kind of feeling.

and they're calling me things that i really don't like to hear and they patronize like hell. when we were eating and my mom handed me this shrimped and i said no because i wanted to eat the dried fish, she called me "uwat". in english "picky". i hate that word because i have known myself to be flexible and i would have eaten that shrimp without any complaint. i wasn't even complaining! good thing woke up in good shape this morning. otherwise, i wouldn't have been able to push my anger down my throat and started answering back.

and my stepdad. although he's a good man, he should have realized that calling other people fat, especially someone as sensitive as me, is very very damaging. and did my mom defend me? no! she actually agreed and told me that i was no use and that all i did in the house was eat and sleep. well what does she suppose i am to do? run around the town? fuck myself until i die? u know that is just what i want to do when they're around. i want to die. because having no freedom for me is death.

i cannot wait to be away from them. right now i just hate the two of them to my bone. god help me.

My Own Psychoanalysis

Lately, i've been wondering what's wrong with me because i've been daydreaming too much and i've done something that i think isn't what normal people would do. i've heard inferiority complex twice this week and it didn't go away in my head and i thought maybe it was a sign that i might have this pyschological disease or something. i looked it up and what do you know...i do have it..had it..only when i was young.

when i was eight years old, i believed i had inferiority complex. i developed multiple personality disorder, yes most people commonly call it "split personality". aside from myself, there were two other identities living inside me. the real me was good enough, had opinions of my own and was really composed. but i was in the middle between right and wrong.

the right was named "kynah". she was too good and took over the body when we were at school. she would do everything her friends told her to. from treating them every recess to giving them the up-er-hand at the playground. she couldn't defend herself from the bullies so she actually joined them. those who didn't were frequently ridiculed, made fun of and laughed at. she wanted to help but she was too helpless and did not do anything for she was too good. Probably too good to be anything real.

the wrong one was named "kyla" as far as my memory can hold.she was the one who always had the guts to fight..the one who always encouraged us that we had to defend ourselves from people who hurt us. i had nothing to say but kynah was 100% against it. she was scared, so was i but kyla was never afraid. so when we went to third grade, she took over. she did a lot of brave and stupid things. faked most of her friends, stole a lot of stuff and even went as far as actually using God to defend her. that year was the worst year of my life because when kyla got caught, she left me. kynah also left me. left me alone to answer there severities...

and that was where i grew up, where i learned my place and my stand. i could say that i experienced half of my life in third grade and finally, i lost my inferiority complex and i was myself again.

a lot of years passed and ive learned that i wasn't inferior at all. and in fact, i was superior than most of the others. i was second year high-school when i developed another psychological disease. looked it up and it was called "superiority complex" --> something that arises from inferiority complex. *lol* well, that makes sense, doesn't it? right now im trying hard to loose any complex, i just want to be me. no inferiorities, no superiorities. Just me. but im finding that it's starting to be really hard to do that because i'm really, really insecured. about everything. i hope i can get through this.

im glad to be actually writing this because once i turn 40 and read this stuff, i'll learn that i've matured earlier than the rest. that i know myself better than anyone. that i know what i want and what i need. and even though i may not be mentally healthy, at least i'm living my life the way i'm supposed to. and someday, hopefully someday, i might find who i really am..

Just something random...

i had two things yesterday: fun and a busted lip.

well, first the fun. yesterday was klyde's birthday so we went for a little swim in water world. oh and would you believe that the "knights of the altar" of our parish thought the same thing and ended up swimming in the same spring-pool with us. oh and joshua was there too. i wanted to talk to him but i didn't want to initiate so nothing weird happened. we had fun because the water was cool and we constantly drowned our cousin maxene to teach her to swim. boy that girl had her guts! i mean she sanked three times in the row and was still managed to grin when she surfaced. haha, talk about family.

second, the busted lip. well, we were playing hagubol. (hagubol: a game which we, ourselves, well, my cousins invented. the "it" will seek the ball from anyone in the circle and the person who touched the ball before the "it" succeeds to touch it will be the "it" Get it?) so we had no ball then so we used a coke can. the game was going will when my super-excellent bright and charming sister threw the ball directly at my frickin lip! oh god! the pain! ahh! i so hated her! but im not really that angry, she didn't mean it after all. so my lip bled a little and before i knew it, it started to swell and now i've got a lip as big as a bean bag! ha! what happy day!

and my hair got frickin worse. well i don't even think i should call it hair but a big ball of frizz. im going to janet's this morning to ask if they can do anything to fix it up. i don't want looking like a mess in stipay's birthday or when i enroll in san carlos. i wanna look my best. haha. so gotta stop here. got a lot of things to do>

p.s: just finished watching Ouran High-School Host Club. I loved it! It's about a girl named Haruhi who disguises herself as a guy and got in the Host Club whose members are like the most popular guys in the richest school in Japan. I loved Tamaki! You know, if such a guy would exist, someone emotional and true and caring...oh my god...i would definitely, most certainly would do anything to snag him. Lolz...

thinking out loud...

i've been thinking a lot lately. lots of stuff. lots of dreams.

my good friday was supposed to be good but it wasn't. i had a tantrum and would have killed my own sister right then and there. well anyway, i don't wanna talk about it. i don't want to talk about my thursday either, which didn't turn out so good as well. my friends were supposed to come over and have our last chat together...before the soccer team leaves for the Palaro and Steffi goes back to Luzon. But something unexpected happened...rain.

it was funny but i couldn't find it in myself to hate the rain. i simply told myself maybe there was a reason why we weren't able to gather. i hate to write it down but at that same thursday, after ezra called, i found myself staring at the phone, my heart racing. i didn't want to think i was hoping he would call back, like he said he would, but somehow i knew that he wouldn't. true enough, he didn't. but i don't want to ask myself "why" anymore because it only hurts me more. instead, i prayed silently and asked god to help me get over the things that were bothering me.

three straight days. couldn't sleep, couldn't think of anything else except him. i am so tired of going back to this phase over and over again. and not only does it hurt twice, it's also getting frequent. today, i went with my mom to go and do the station of the cross. i had no idea how rough it was going to be. i thought it was just one of the processions. turns out i was mistaken. we had to walk, then neil, then walk and neil again. imagine us doing that for 14 times. i know i sound whine-y but im not really complaining. after all, i owe Jesus that much of a sacrifice. i was trying to start a new chapter of the fictions i created a year ago but found no way of doing that. i read the five people you meet in heaven but my whole body was sore so i slept in the whole morning.

well, i wrote this entry not because i want to but because i felt like i need to. these past few days have been hard on me. my heart, my mind, my soul...i feel like they're all against me. i don't want to get hurt again but somehow, hurt is all i get. i'm not blaming anyone for the pain. i don't even blame him. i know i have to feel this way and now that i am, im getting sick and i want to break free. and yet, even so, there's a little part of me that wants to hold on.

so this morning, after our strenous stations of the cross, i prayed to God and asked him for a sign. signs. he doesn't know it's the biggest thing we have in common. he says he believed in signs...but signs are what makes my faith. i believe in God because he gave me signs, but that doesn't mean that I wouldn't if he didn't. i made a pact with God. i told Him that if he wouldn't call before Monday or if we don't see each other that same day, i would forget everything that i feel and move on. i know it isn't easy but that's the only sign i have to believe in.

and if signs do exist, well maybe a chance between the two of us exist as well...

fucked up

i am so tired. i can't sleep, i can't eat and i can't fucking control my anger. god i am just so pissed off right now i wanna kill her, strangle her and choke her to her fucking death

god i am just so angry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her fuck her

i only fucking curse when im overwhelmed with happiness, when im fucking confused or when im really fucking fed up with anger and this last fucking straw!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

god im not the calm type of person. im a fucking hothead so don't use fucking sarcasms to fuck me off or i will fuck you up. god i just want to kill her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Frienship

i can't stop thinking last night...i almost found it hard to close my eyes and sleep.

i kept thinking about what i said, to my friends, especially to ezra. i thought maybe i held back a little, that i haven't really told them the whole story, the whole of what i kept in my heart for so long. when we went to that beach last saturday, i cried the whole night and couldn't sleep. i wasn't really sure if it was because i was sad that these wonderful people would someday leave me for good or if it was because i was overwhelmed with happiness because, after all these years of search, i finally understood what friendship really is. it was after when i actually talked to God that i realized that i was crying because of both.

when i came to llci, i came to learn. that was what i always thought. i didn't like the place when i came there because the people were snobbish and looked very cold, if not arrogant. so all i did was focus on my studies because that's what i thought high-school was about. you know, learning what makes stuff move, why these, how those...random things. so during first quarter, i rose to the top and everyone talked about it. i get to have my 30 seconds of fame after all. so then, the four of us (dolly, michelle, pheby and myself) were called to ms. sunit and she demanded a decision: will we stay...or leave? that time, i already made friends with section b so it was really hard to choose. but then i thought that maybe there's more to section a than section b always described to us. it was a scary place, they say. i was a little afraid but i decided to transfer anyway.

so section a it was: the big scary place where i found the most beautiful people that ever existed. i was seated next to ezra who took the confidence out of the deepest nook that i hid them. i guess he deserves my biggest thanks for making me a person i never thought i was, someone confident, someone outspoken, someone real. it took me so long to discover who i really am and then he came and i realized that it was through this boy that i discovered myself. we grew really close and he introduced me to steffi and carl. i just can't help but smile when i remember those silly things we used to do when we couldn't do anything else. days passed by and one day i just realized that i had something else for ezra, something more than friendship. i wouldn't call it love because i don't think i was apt, for my age, to feel such a strong emotion for someone i just met over a quarter. but i did like him. and then he started calling me every night and we would talk until 4 am. he told me a lot of secrets, so did i. he treated me more than a friend but i knew he felt nothing towards me beyond that. i was never a person who expects something more so i just kept everything to myself. i've always been jealous. not because of ezra, but i was jealous OF ezra. it was because he found it very easy to talk to people and he was always popular. he always manages to smile and be cool and stuff like that. everybody liked him. but even so, he was one of the best friends ive had and i couldn't do anything to hurt him. there were times when i really hated his guts, him for accusing of things and making me take the first move to say sorry. i was always a person of ego but when it came to him, even i could swallow my pride.

third year he stopped calling and there was a time when i was really, really hurt that i struggled to find ways to forget him. then i had mark. i couldn't say i used him because at one time, i felt the same way for him as i did for ezra. he was a nice guy and he makes me feel really special. so i was thankful that slowly, my feelings for ezra decreased but i couldn't deny that they were still strong. fourth year came and i was glad we weren't classmates. at the later quarters, the feelings STOPPED. I look at him and i don't see that same things as when i do when i was still attracted. he touches me and i don't feel anything. it's like they just disappeared. and i don't look for him anymore and i don't look at the phone wishing he would call. and i was pretty happy that i managed to let him go, let myself go.


end of the year came and graduation day where i cried all my heart out.god, i couldn't stand the truth that sooner or later, i might not be with my friends anymore. so we went to the beach and had our last official party where we had an open forum and allowed our secrets to pour out. everybody thanked me but it's me that should be thanking them. i might have lost a good 2000 pesos or so but i've gained a moment with my friends where i could tell them how much i love them and care for them and that i would willingly, with all my heart, exchange all the material things i have just to see them smile and hear them laugh. at the end of the day, when i went to bed, i thanked God for giving me these people and for the whole new light he gave to what we all call 'friendship'.

it was in that blue van of dolly that i truly realized what it meant. it means pain and a lot of sacrifices. it means 3-hour talks and several wrestling sessions. it means falling in love over and over again until your heart is completely broken and just waiting for your friends to pick up the pieces and make you whole again. it means jokes that either hurt or tickle. it's all about movie marathons and sleepovers. it involves a lot of food, pancit cantons and cokes. it's about being there for each other and being free to make mistakes. it's about being imperfect and being loved for those imperfections. friendship is about posing for the camera and getting the picture whole. it's about forgiving yourself and forgiving your friends, about hugs and kisses, about discovering each other. friendship is the best thing you could have in your life especially when you share it with very wonderful people. to steffi, panyang, gael, ytel, dara, pamila, shiela fe, dolly, jaye, alyssa, michelle, caren, angela, emmylou, ezra, francis, raymund, earl, richmond, antonieto, mark and to my other friends...i hope you know how i love you guys and how HAPPY i am to experience the true meaning of high-school with you. we will soon
part ways but i know that as long as we remain friends, we will always be just within reach.

oh and i've come up with this equation: high-school = friendship

just want you all to know that kung manglayas mo sa inyong balay, kung masirad-an mo, kung kigutom mo or kung la lang mo'y lingaw, just knock and shout sa balay and i'll welcome you. i always feel light, happy, something that i don't think any word can describe or express, when you guys are here sa house, just chilling. i'll miss you all. i hate goodbyes but they are a part of life so as much as i hate to type it down, i know i have to. goodbye.

nice morning

i woke up nice this morning. i don't know why, i just did.

the sun was warm when it hit my face. i didn't really like it because it hurt my eyes but it was alright. my cellphone rang 7:00 which i thought was too early so i thought maybe i'd re-watch cinderella 3 again, which i did...but only played my favorite scenes. oh and i am such a frickin genius. when i watched it for the first time, and heard the prince's voice for the first time, eric (from little mermaid) immediately crossed my mind. the thought pestered me so i looked it up on the internet. f***! i was F**king right! oh and i also think that cinderella's singing voice is the same as pocahontas'. i haven't looked it up yet but my instinct says im right and my instinct is rarely wrong. well anyway, i now take back the thing when and where i said that cinderella and snow white are insignificant fairytales. well i still think snow white is kind of stupid but i changed my mind about cinderella. you see, im not a really pessimistic person but i just don't think it's realistic that cinderella and snow white's princes fell in love with them with one frickin glance. i mean they're all basing it on physical beauty.. they don't even know who they really are until maybe they got married and stuff.

but cinderella 3 was different because it involved this really close interaction with her and the prince and this time, they really got to know each other. and for the first frickin time, cinderella had a pretty lovely plot to go through with. i simply and wonderfully done. and i fell insanely in love with the prince voice. it was so cute when he was like..."Ok...first blue birds and now mice"

well anyway, it's getting really hot in here so i better end this thing. well anyway, graduation's tomorrow. still not feeling it *sighs*

hunger!

im stuck yet again in the computer laboratory, making add layouts for our yearbook. it would have been okay if i ate something for breakfast but unfortunately, i didn't. crap! i am so fuggin hungry!

oh and by the way, today's our batch party. i haven't asked permission from my mom yet so im having second thoughts about going. i know she would understand but im really not in the party mood. and im just so giddy to have myself cleared. ugh! so much for being detained because of extra-curriculars. so unfair.

graduation's 2 days away but im not even feeling any thrill. it's like it would just be an ordinary day, like it wouldn't bear any significance at all, which it would because it IS graduation. what im excited about, instead, is the party we're having on the 31st. we're doing it on behalf of steffi, our good 'ol steffi.

*sighs* and aside from that, the reason why im writing this entry is because im practically bored. oh and i saw cinderalla iii last night! it was the BOMB!! i super super 100 gazillion times love it..haha i know im too old to be watching fairytales but i can't help it. i love them. i even watched snow white after. haha, i so hate her voice. well anyway, i had better stop here. i think im going to that party. im hungry anyways. YEs, yes and YES! I'm going there for food...haha *evil smirks*

Counting down our days...

...7.6.5.4.3.2.1. We're all counting down the days to graduation, the day where we can finally heave a really big sigh because we're free from all the hassles, the blues and the problems that is High-school. But no matter how ecstatic we might be, how happy we might seem, it is still undeniable that leaving LLCI would break a little piece of our hearts. After all, it's not easy accepting that the four beautiful years of being together will become a memory in no less than two weeks. But still, we can't help but count our days down...


We counted down the days since we were freshmen. Since the afternoon we recited "Money" in English class to the late afternoon practices for the Ifugao dance. we laughed with our friends until one of us could barely breathe. We told our crushes among ourselves, weaving small conspicuous blushes as we talk about waffy stuff. We brought our cameras and took pictures of ourselves while holding the broomsticks we used for cleaning our Area of Responsibility. We caught little green lizards and wielded them around to scare each other off. We held the children within us and slowly, together, we let them go.

We counted down the days when we were sophomores. When we got closer in Math class and eager to cut open a frog in Biology. When we couldn't care less about everybody else because we don't have anything to worry about. When we ate every afternoon and went home late talking. When all our days were carefree, when we wouldn't have to be insecured, when we started to realize we were growing up. When we did Ramayana and spent the whole night laughing and practicing. We had all the time in the world because either everything was too light or too heavy. We remember Palompon and our one-shot attempt to discover the world underneath. We also remember the time when we got really scared because it was getting dark and there was a coming storm. We started to encounter courage and responsibility and prepared to make it a part of who we are.

We counted down our Junior days. The time when we were all nervous during first meeting of Chemistry but found out that it was in fact a really fun subject. The time in Advisory class when Mr. Pacayra first told us about Prom and half of the class flipped. Everything got serious since then. We formed enmities between ourselves and found ways to renew our friendships. We fell in love almost everyday and asked our friends for advices. We kept our last-minute attitude and brought ourselves closer to our adviser. We stayed until midnight to build our ship and practice our speech. We screamed "Sail On" and together tasted victory. We allowed our pride to swell and quarreled with each other. But through it all, we still managed to laugh together. We practiced our cotillion and blushed when we held or when we were held. We imagined the perfect Prom and we planned it well. We got dressed in grandiose gowns and handsome suits and danced all night. We were so happy that we couldn't help but cry. We loathed our Junior days but we couldn't help but smile when we remember them. They were stressful and busy and insane and we love them and loathe them at the same time.

Eagerly, we counted our days down of being seniors. The time when all our jaws dropped when the heterogenous sectioning news came out. We made erroneous assumptions about how this was going to be the worst year of high-school. Funny how wrong yet right we were. We remember the afternoons we spent singing in the classroom, playing "truth or dare" in the grassy area and talking about how well our day went. We made groups that divided us and we talked about each other behind each other's backs. We made silly jokes and strangled each other. We drove each other crazy. We told each other our secrets and soaked ourselves in the rain. We played hide-and-seek and wrote stories. Together, we faced reality and decorated it with our dreams. We learned to understand each others' depth, accept each other's mistakes and hoped that nothing ever changes. We made pressumptions that caused us trouble and our tears fell together. We took each others' hand and assured that everything would turn out fine. We smiled together and asked each other to dance. We gave definition to friendship with colorful words. We opened our hearts to let everything sink in. We forced each other to believe this isn't the end but somehow we all know that it is. We all recognize the people we have become, the changes that have taken over us and the different pathways we know we have to travel apart. We'll all hold on to our insanity for a little while longer and when we're finally ready, we'll close our eyes together, smile and break free.


...7.6.5.4.3.2.1. We're all counting down the days to graduation, the day where we can all be glamourous in our togas with smiles that say "I finally made it happen". High-school has been a dream that we all believed in and have survived through. But after all the tears, the heartaches,the anger and the laughter, it's not necessary to count the days anymore. We'll all just have to live in it, savor it and treasure it as it still lasts.

finally an update

yey! i updated! yeah i knows it's been ages since i last wrote here..but i did have this terrible writers' block which lasted for like 3 months. *sighs* i even missed writing about prom which by the way was so wonderful. everybody looked like royalty and everything happened smoothly. too bad it ended too soon. i also had not wrote about the morning after. it was great coz we went swimming at the pool. i was with people i didn't know whose company is fun. i was with phillip, sweet, danielle, kenan, mitchell, michael, giovanni, torn, lju and my sister. we had a lot of fun although i really couldn't consider us friends...yet.

well, anyway...why am i writing now? i don't know. maybe i miss "letting the words flow" im in the computer room right now, looking for mecha robots we could put at the back of the yearbook where all our names would be written and all. last night was kind of unfortunate too because all our files got deleted because of my stupid flash drive slash iPod slash dwelling place of brontok viruses. i almost cried because i blamed myself. i mean we were working on that for three days straight. we wewre going to print it yesterday afternoon but then the virus thing happened.

well i sort of have to stop now coz i got a lot of robot-hunting things to do. ja'ne.

sick and tired. literally.

i am so tired.

ive been awake since 3 am to finish the questions for game ka na ba. today's teachers' day so i have to give a little sacrifice for the success of the program. just yesterday, i had another reprimand yet again because of our stupid id. i would have done the job if there weren't other thing i was concerned about. this week was just too hectic for me. oh and i got sick. i have this fuckin cold right now and my clogged nose is just throwing me off my back. and i have this stupid sports article to write. well till this here coz i still have a shitload of stuff to do.

Princess Hours

      

Oh my God! I am totally in love with this koreanovela. and it's not because it's aired in abs-sbn...which i totally don't like. *chuckles* my cousin, erika bought a dvd and we watched it for two straight days. it's funny coz we would sleep at 5 am watching it and wake up at 8 to watch it again. boy was it LONG! but it was worth it because every scene was just breathtaking. wow.

the story started with the korean emperor making a pact with his trusted friend. they agreed that the prince (his grandson) would marry his friend's only grand-daughter. several years later, the unsuspecting crowned prince Xin and the unsuspecting grand-daughter Caijing meet after she accidentally spilled murky water over his white shoes. he gets angry and well that was their first meeting haha. they meet again when caijing accidentally heard xin proposing to his ballerina girlfriend xaolin but xaolin rejects him because according to her, ballet was the only thing she wanted to pursue. caijing got caught and was apprehended by the prince, not knowing she was actually his soon-to-be-wife. well personally, i think it was kind of funny to hear your fiance proposing to another woman. lolz anyway...

so when xin got home, his father told him about the agreement between his grandpa and the friend and that he was to be married with the friend's grand-daughter. xin's dad gave him a picture and imagine his shock when he found out the caijing was to be his wife. well it didn't really take him long to concede. same case for caijing so they got married. and this was the start of their funny and a little-bit-dramatic married life.

im not going to give spoilers. you'll just have to watch it yourself. oh and watch out for the honeymoon...nyahaha...it's the funniest scene EVER!! haha well anyway, princess hours really made my bleak days beautiful and i am just SO in love right now. and XIN is the handsomest korean EVER!!! I love him to death! LV was pretty handsome himself...but I love XIN! Xin Go! oh and i also love caijing. she's so cute. nyahaha! well, have to end it here. hope u get to watch princess hours. it's really wonderful. xoxoxo ^_~

the worst xmas party ever

christmas break has begun. and by christmas break, i mean days with absolutely nothing to do. in simpler terms...boredom. well, i don't mean christmas is boring...it's just that people like me don't have anything to do and having something to do is our life. well, yesterday it was budin's birthday so i bolted from my house so i would not meet with her hyperkinetic classmates. oh and last saturday was our christmas party. frankly, i hated it. i didn't enjoy it as much as i thought i would and it's the worst christmas party ive ever been to.

no offense to those who coordinated (well i am one of them), i just didn't like how everything turned out. our party just reflected how we can't settle our differences to work on a common goal and it's just sad because we spent like five hours debating over which theme we should incorporate: punk or western. from the very beginning, when i heard that they wanted to have punk as a theme, i felt the urge to throw this tantrum and slash their heads one by one. i mean, PUNK is NOT a theme in the first place. it's a genre of music which goths, rockers listen to. well today, of course we call those who listen or love punk as punks but still it's something abstract. so jaye asked everyone what their interpretation of punk was. no one answered except ME. fuck. i just wanted to curse right then and there. jaye then interrupted that for her punk was baggy jeans, bling-blings and pimpy jewels. the shit. i love her and i respect her opinion but i just can't let her mix punk with hip-hop. so i complained that what she was describing was something entirely different but they said i had no right because it was her opinion. so if i think that jaye was the ugliest girl in the planet then no one has the right to resent me because im entitled to my own opinion. but i think that's wrong because it's not an opinion anymore, it's a lie. if i say jaye is ugly but she's really beautiful, it wouldn't be fair for her. fuck those people! i hope they bite their asses off in hell!

gahh! i don't wanna go on talking how on the day of chirstmas party, those lowlifes who bashed me because i opposed to having punk as a theme wore NOTHING CLOSE to punk!! i just hate them! fuck the shit of them! i hope they burn in hell! they just ruined what i perceived to be the best christmas party of my high-school! how dare them speak about something they don't really know about? how dare them use punk when they don't really know what it means? *tugs hair* god! i wanna pull out all of their hairs! they are pieces of shit!

stay

"you say i only hear what i want to, i don't listen hard, don't pay attention to the distance that you're running to anyone, anywhere, don't understand if you really care im only hearing negative"

god i hate myself. i don't understand why it is so hard to get over him! i mean i spent a goddamn year just to stop myself from thinking and i thought i was over him but yesterday, his frickin hair ruined it all. *sighs* oh my god, he lookes so handsome with his hair pushed back and all that. i just couldn't help blushing when he starts talking to me and the way he touched my hair this morning...oh my god. im afraid im starting to fall again. i don't want to. im enjoying my life without worrying about crushy things...im sick and tired of that. it's always this feeling and then i get hurt again. it's so unfair. why can't i ever move on? it's like he's cursed to be forever engraved in my mind. and im cursed to never exist in his. i thought i could act normal but i guess i get tired of lying, too.


and now i can't walk pass him without getting butterflies because of his scent. the way i blush around him is entirely different than i do with other guys. it's like my whole body is in heat and right then and there i wanna tell him how i feel. but that will never happen because i vowed to myself i would only keep my feeling to myself. it's over. done. i don't want him to stay in my life and it's just weird how at the same time, i find myself missing him if he's not.

this chirstmas, all i want is freedom. absolute, real freedom. no strings, no regrets, just pure freedom. i wanna live my life alone, go through high-school without having to worry about crazy things boyfriends and girlfriends worry about. i wish to never fall in love again....that way....things remain bland and random...which is exactly why i exist.

the truth about physics

im in the computer room right now because mr. quimilat asked us to do something well, particularly a research about monetary and fiscal policy but i've long finished so now i wanna write something about hmm...the biggest misconception in my life: PHYSICS.

if michelle had not commented on the post i wrote about her move in and there was something about physics there...i wouldn't have had the idea of writing about it. first of course when i still hadn't touched physics, i thought it was one boring subject, that it would constitute this very boring senior year. well, i had my own reasons of getting scared and those are because i've heard and witnessed the seniors before us get shouted at and reproached frequently by mr. q. and i didn't like the way the feeling it gave and led me to conclude that maybe physics is a scary subject and would probably prompt a lot of shouting fits. fits i do not and i hope will never substantiate themselves ever again. so during first day...i had no book but i did catch this glimpse on the others'. and believe me i didn't like what i read. with all those forces and motion and stuff..they all seemed pointless...and i didn't see any significance of learning them..

well that was before i met the real physics personally. i dunno but it just took me a couple of days to get hooked up. when i first read (in advance) about free fall and acceleration...just can't stop myself. it was all surreal but then i got to touch it and found it really addictive. so then on i started reading about force and friction and i borrowed physics books from the library. i enjoy the tests we had which i normally don't and i just enjoy the feeling of knowing that i understand what mr q is talking about. i loved the laws well especially the law of universal gravitation. i sort of developed a special fondness for it.

"Every object attracts another object with a force that is directly proportional to the product of their masses and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them"

well anyway, im striving hard to get high grades in physics. im not that good but at least i know within me that i love what i learn and im not after those certificates anyway. i don't think those pieces of paper really matter..

the break-up

Well last night, I submitted myself to another reverie and the fact that I will never have anyone who will treat me special in High-school. It didn’t work well with Ezra because I know if he did feel something special towards me, it was no more and no less than friendship. Truth to be told, I got tired of clinging on to the hope that he might see me as something more than a friend and fortunately, I got over him in no less than three months. I realized this during Intramurals when he was playing soccer like he always does. Usually, during the times when I still had “feelings” for him, I would feel prickly all over whenever I see him run. But when I watched him that day, there was nothing. No pricks, no tingles, not even a rush of blood. And I felt myself smile because I’ve been hurting for two years already and it felt awfully good to break free from that pain.

The reason why I got over him all of a sudden is still something I’m trying to figure out myself. I don’t think it was our distance or the fact that we currently belong to different classrooms. Nor am I thinking that it was because I realized, which in fact I had, that he was better off with someone else like Frances who obviously has everyone nodding. In terms of beauty, I admit I stand no chance because she’s really beautiful. But when you speak about talent, I think we stand on the same grounds. So if it wasn’t those, what did make me forget him? Or who?

The only person I could look up to see whenever I ask that question to myself is the same person who I promised never to get attracted to. I don’t want to write down his name because I don’t like how I feel about him. For my part, I think it’s unfair that I fell for someone who will probably hurt me as much as the previous person did. Well, not really personally because I don’t think the guy’s capable of doing any harm to any girl. Or at least, that’s what I think of him.

Hmm...and here’s one shocker. Marie and Philippe broke up. Worse is they decided to split on the day of their monthsary. Well, personally I respect their move because it’s hard to keep track of each other’s feelings when you’re a thousand miles apart. But, I also think it was kind of rash. I know I do not have any right to say anything about their relationship because I’m just a mere witness. But as a close friend of them both, I think they shouldn’t end up like this. For Marie’s part, I know how she feels because I’ve also been through the whole waiting part. And I understand why she would set herself free. the rest is not my business so im not talkin about it...

a heartbreaking day

when i came home, i thought i would be able to write something about what i thought was needed to be written. but the moment my ass touched the swivel chair, the need suddenly vanished and i found myself at a loss for words, which i only do when my inspiration drains. and i guess now it's gone again. and to think i spent almost three months of regaining it only to loose in one frickin day. one thing i hate about other people is they make fun out of other people's feelings. they think it's funny but they don't know how much it hurts.

first, i am not a last-resort crush. it's like when all else fails, they turn to me. second, can nobody like me, like me just the way i am? do i have to get myself anorexia just to have someone like me? for me, i don't think it's fair. Third, I am not a FLIRT. i don't flirt and i don't like people flirting around other people. it's gross and disgusting. 4th, i know im a maniac but im not a pervert and never in my life have i ever considered having sex anywhere with anyone. and i don't think i'll do that untill i find someone i think who deserves to see the real me and until i reach the right age to do that. i admit ive seen a couple of hentai movies but i don't engage in any of the activities i saw them doing. and i don't do Ms...okay? i just watch to learn so that when i go to college, those city freaks won't have any reason to mess with me.

4th...i wanna die. im loosing my purpose to live and it's not becuase i know that if i wait for love, it would be in vain, it's because that my life is turning to be the one thing i hate the most: routinary and stereotype. for once i wanna wake up one morning to a whole new door of possibilities. for once, i wanna wake up not knowing what will happen next. i want spontaneity but all i get is structure. my life's all fucked up. it's so random. well, so am i...

the flying kiss

we had our computer fixed today and im just so glad to have it back. truth to be told, im not really that psyched because im getting used with the laptop and i think it was more advantageous that the big one. nevertheless, im glad it got fixed already. problem is all my files got erased including everything i wrote. but it's okay...they're all saved in my head anyway.

today passed like any other. well, something special did happen. it was when mr. q blew me a very cute flying kiss. i just wanna jump outta happiness. first, i didn't think he was in a good mood that afternoon. second, he doesn't look approachable and third, i get really weak when im around him. surprisingly, i got in there, handed him the shirt and blurted, "sir, it's for you". my face was in heat, that i am sure of. but then he looked at me, gave this very invigorating smile and thanked me along with the cute flying kiss. *sighs* mr. q really is my favorite teacher. hmm...'till here...im not really in the writing mood right now but whatever. n_~

so many things, so little time

today, i had a lot of things to accomplish. Surprisingly, I had not done a single thing. The reasons may not be precise because if anything, it wouldn't be lack of inspiration because you can bet to the rocks that I am, if not flushed, overly-inspired.

the reason is that maybe i wanted to rest and not think of anything related to school, let alone actually do it. the idea of monday haunts me but at the same time thrills me. I miss my classmates, I miss being bored, I miss having the chills before Physics class. I miss school and yet I resent the idea of it. I know I sound crazy right now but it's the way I feel. Plus, I'm getting the hang of watching movies all day long. I watched three movies today. One aquamarine...well, I re-watched it because I think Jake McDorman is THE hottest lifeguard there. Two, my wife is a gangster. I didn't really want to watch it but Earl told me one time when we were eating in the mess hall that it was really good. Of course, I trust his judgement because we sort of have this same taste in movies...*winks* *winks* (hope u get the winking part...oh and the third one, Butterfly effect 2. the cover said it had bruce willis in it but i doubt it. i hadn't seen its prequel where it starred ashton kutcher. im not really fond of suspense films but ate len2 told me it was good so im giving it a try...

And oh it rained hard tonight. ah, how the rain smells good. it's actually a two-way ticket to a very good reverie and right now, I'm lost in my own thoughts again. I want to write when it rains because I feel like a true writer. I don't know why but the rain has this magic over me. It just gets me to my butt. I smile everytime the skies get dark. I know it's really weird of me since most people get annoyed if they don't see the sun. well, enough about the rain blabber. I must have wrote three entries about rain already. hehe..and still counting. well actually, if there is one thing that could inspire me the most, it would be the rain. never had i written anything fictional without the word "rain" in it. well, i gotta get to work..have to finish writing this stupid home reading report. if it wasn't for the crappy format, I would have been happy to write it anytime. since the format sucks, i am surprisingly suffering from the I-can't-write-a-single-letter syndrome. but i know myself. once i get to read sparknotes, the words will just come flowing down, like it always do. hmm...so till next time.

P.S. I saw Strike (my ex-crush) in mass today...he grew fatter but was still breathtakingly handsome. n_~

in love and in pain

im in love again. that much is sure. but there are a lot of things, unheard of, that I'm not sure with. the first question that im boggled with is WHY. of course it's never a wonder because it's always the first w-question asked in every situation...but this time, my kind of why is different. it's not a question of why im in love, why now or why him but rather a question of why all of a sudden. maybe because i brought it upon myself because I want to be around him as much as possible. i wanna hear him laugh, feel his hand on my shoulder and see him everywhere i look. it's ridiculous because never in a million years would i imagine myself slowly falling for someone like him. And I wanna call him "Sun" because he lights up everything he touches. but all of a sudden, in a range of just days, boom! i keep thinking about him, i wanna see him, hug him, strangle him...everything. and what's more abusrd is that I fell for someone who I know in a thousand millenia would never ever see me as someone more than a friend. And so did I. In the first place, he was just like a big brother to me and I love being around him because he makes me laugh and I get the chance to make others laugh too. What i didn't realize is that with every moment that we share something embarrassing, something dirty like we always do, those friendly feelings are slowly developing into something more intimate, something that I think is sandwiched between platonic and romantic love. Well, as a friend, I've always loved him like I loved my other friends and I get weirdly jealous if i see these girls flirting with him. but i ignored it because i also get jealous if i see my girl friends, especially the friendly ones like Panyang, talk as if sharing a secret to someone else. but now that jealousy i feel when i see him around other ladies is more painful and more painful because he's like this magnet who pulls every girl towards him. hmmn...well...not only is he a gentleman, he has one of the biggest hearts ever...(i can't believe im writing this)

another big problem is that one of my closest friends share the same feeling for him. and the jist? instead of getting in the way, i actually acted like this stupid bridge bringing them both together and at the same time getting closer to both of them. well, how will i explain this shithole im in? problem is i love them both, i love the girl and the guy and the girl deserves a move-on so im sort of setting them free. surprisingly, it didn't hurt as much as i thought it would. maybe because i like seeing my friends happy more than i like seeing myself happy. im not practicing martyrdom or anything but it's just a natural thing for me to hurt myself for the sake of the people i care for. and all i could do is write my pain because i couldn't show it to anyone. *sighs* but the big question there is, if i continue doing that, when will I be happy? i think i would be able to figure that out soon. and besides, i don't think "Sun" will light on my heart forever because i really don't think we have what it takes to be a couple. and even if we did, the odds will be huge and i believe we don't have the capacity to go against them. so as i write this entry, im breaking free from any romantic feelings that I have for him and i say "I love you goodbye"

the journey that was CMLI

it all started one early morning in the grounds of LLCI where everyone was asked to assemble. It was a dreary circumstance because I know that everybody crammed the night before. I was happy, feeling actually light, excited to be traveling again to Baguio, this time as a more matured student. Furthermore, I came with a really distinct casual fashion statement. I remembered the first time we went to manila and I wore this terrible lavender shirt, this HORRIBLE capri, a very HIDEOUS over-sized denim jacket and this murky-colored shoes which spelled "FASHION DISASTER" in total. But I won't let that happen again. Everybody came and we started our 3-hour trip to Tacloban. We started it with a rosary and ended it with loud snores and lively laughter.

The airport was the same as it had been when I first came there. Hordes of people (koreans especially) gathered round the counters, confirming their flights. And we also saw Jiggy Manicad there, one of the hosts of the GMA docu: The Reporter's Notebook. We wanted to take our pictures with him but we didn't want the rest of the people thinking we were paparazzi. So we sat down and waited for the flight. 6:50 came and we were flying to Manila. NAIA was a complete bleak, too many people for any elbow room. Ms. Sunit and Mrs. Colon were nagging at us to be hurry, not knowing it was already the fastest we could go given the demographic situation of the airport. Then we met with this woman and her daughter, which seemed to be friends with Mrs. Colon and Ms. Sunit. They were to take us to the bus port of Victory Liner. The girl, her name was Alyona (not sure) was Samatha's, Torn's, Cindy's ex-classmate but she didn't recognize them. Also, I think that girl was blushing around Earl. Haha, talk about magnetism...

So we went there around 9:45 and ate late breakfast. since that gano cereal effected on me a LOT, i didn't order anything and enjoyed myself talking and watching the rest of them eat. So we left at 10:30 and prepared ourselves for a five-hour trip to Baguio. But I was in a different situation: I was seated beside Mrs. Colon when I was supposed to be seated beside Earl. Not that I dreamed about it or anything, I mean, he IS my body after all. Yes, my BODY. SHIT. and I ended up having these little awkward moments with my Algebra teacher. But u know what, it wasn't so bad because I enjoyed talking with her. Her life when she was my age was beautiful and complicated. She shared to me her experience with her 13-year old (yes THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLD) boy friend which was really cute because their families were bestfriends close. Too bad that guy had himself conned and they were driven apart by a series of really complex circumstances. And now, they haven't seen each other for 22 years. I asked Ms. Suki if she wanted to see him after all these years and she hesitated then smiled. "I would like to see him and how his life had become" she said, as if she was talking to someone else. But even that, despite that story, I could see that she loved her husband very much considering the way she laughed and the way her face glowed when she told me how TitoRey would joke about the love life of their two sons. It actually inspired me a lot...hnmnn...

When we were done talking for like an hour, I hurried away and fell asleep becuase I didn't want the situation to get more awkward that it already was. Then, I woke up in a different temperature. My hands were freezing (I need someone else's hand) and my teeth were shaking. It was really cold. It was night and we arrived at Teacher's camp and had dinner in Jollibee. I didn't like it because the sight and the smell of the usualness of Jolibee made me kind of sick. We went for the grocery after that and went to sleep right after.

DAY 1: We spent the whole morning squiring Baguio. Enough said. In the afternoon, we had eliminations for the CFEs. I was really tired because right after I went for the Impromptu speaking contest which was improptu because we didn't know that such a contest would exist, I immediately headed for Radio Drama. It was actually embarrassing but I don't want to write about it. (ask me personally if u know me)

Day2: GOD! CDS! FRIENDS! SALVA! I love that gay! He's so gay! hahaha!

Day 3: I wonder why I don't want to talk about it. Well, I do wanna write about the wrestling I had with Earl and Shiela. Haha...it was COOL! I totally nailed that guy to his butt! Oh and a piece of secret: it was the first time I actually blushed around Earl. Hmmn...nothing suspicious though...I still think he and I do not have what it takes to be something as close to a couple. But I don't know...I kind of have these weird feelings when I get near him...like I get electrocuted or something. It's not how I feel when I'm around Ezra..not exactly...*sighs* but nah uh...I can't be attracted to earl..I mean he is EARL...hello EARL!!! he's like a big brother...*whacks head* I'm so STUPID.

Day 4: More tremors! God help me! And a twist: Shiela totally told me she also shares the same feelings for earl!!! Ha! I still blush when i think about it! Can't believe I'm in this insane circle of i don't know..puppylove. And with EARL at the center! I mean, hello,KYRA! are you okay? it's him...who knows every dirty secret you have...the first guy who you allowed to read your dirty fics! shit! this cannot be! No! But I have to let itgo....not gonna happen...it's too farfetch.

Day 5: Yay! We are leaving! And there was this storm! ha! so glad we got to escape from baguio before the signal went to three! And we got home safe. Thank you LORD! You totally rock! And oh and we formed this little JC-LEB. ahah...not going to elaborate..not official yet...but if there was anything fun about CMLI..it was the series of wrestles I had with earl and shiela, the funny and embarrassing talks in the mess hall with still earl and shiela and sneh and torn. and i think im beginning to fall in love with them both. WELL, I love Earl and Shiela. They're like my new best friends. And I also developed this bond with SNEH...haha I totally love that girl...she's so frank! Love her! and I think I am now more confident and ready to take on any challenge!

well, I guess CMLI does indeed change you one way or another. it has made me realized feelings I was afraid to acknowledge. it gave me the chance to get reconnected to the people I didn't knowi cared for deeply. and right now, can't wait for the echo conference!

nothing special...just something ordinary...

nothing special happened today...but i felt like i needed to write.

this day turned out better than i expected. the three meetings that i had to simultaneously attend got canceled and i was free to go home early. it was great because i finally had time to give my "drawing (more like imitating) ability" time. i was kind of glad at the outcome..*chuckles*

oh and one downside. we got reproached yet again by mr. q. *sighs* when will his menace end? not soon i think. but i apppreciate because it gets me to my butt. haha. and hmmm...i think im loosing the ability to concentrate. especialy in physics. i did learn and understand but when we do the test, i can't seem to answer anything. it's really weirding me off and the opposite thing is happening in math because i sort of had a surprisingly high grade at our wosa today yeah hug me. and yeah i almost forgot my team won the debate yesterday!!!

the proposition was to resolve that gross domestic product is a good indicator of economic growth and standard of living. antonieto and panyang came over last sunday so we could research and agree on our arguments. instead we end up eating pancit canton, drinking pomelo juice and nitpicking gma and abs-cbn. but of course, we already had our arguments before we goofed around. so we were ready and fortunately we won and were awarded as the "BEST DEBATING TEAM" I for one, and for myself won the "BEST SPEAKER" and "BEST CONSTRUCTIVE SPEECH" it was a pretty huge deal for me because i always loved debates. but my classmates didn't care. haha. as if i care if they did. nobody in class, except me that is, loves public speeches or debates so i understand their cold shoulders.

and speaking of ap...my grade went low to 88 which scrapes me from the achievers list. oh well...there were a lot of us so it was okay...oh and one more thing...IM AFRAID TO FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM. and im also afraid it's exactly what's happening...omigod...somebody slash my head off....i DON't WANT TO!!!

i have to erase him off my mind...question is how? how when we're going to be together for like...everyday? well, there's only one sentence fit to finish this prattles: I'VE MET MY DOOM.

when i get stuck in my own reverie...

well last night, i got myself soaked in the rain. just for a few seconds...

the feeling of wetness on my skin was beautiful and i wanted to just stay stuck in our patio,indulging my thoughts on the nothingness that hovered before me. the atmosphere was cold but i liked how my skin interacted with it. it's like the rain and i have this connection. the feeling's kind of mutual. im always in good mood when it rains and i don't mind if it disfigures a one-hour-done hair do. furthermore, rain has always a strange way of making me think and recall and remember. it's like a two-way ticket to a very significant reverie.

so i went in and got in bed, but i couldn't sleep. i turned the tv on and flicked through the channels. surprisingly, the shows weren't that bad but i found myself uninterested in the least. i resumed my curled position and my mind suddenly went blank. after a while, there was nothing i could think of and the next second, everything was coming back to me. i thought of everything.

first, i thought of myself and heard myself saying "go to the computer and write something" i was going to but lethargy (okay, okay...laziness)got the best of me so i stayed in that position. and then i began to think how capriciously ambitious i've become. my ambitions are sort of impossible and i don't like the way im turning out to be because of them.

second, i thought of my friends. hmmm.....just realized i wouldn't be me without them and i love them to my last breath. speaking of love, well i also thought about it. a) i confirm that im completely over ezra. i talked to him yesterday and had some interaction but i didn't even blush. he's just an ordinary guy to me now. b) i think im going crazy. why? because im crushin on someone im not supposed to be crushin. but im not gonna write his name here. im a really strange person and i think we have too much in common to ever have this mutual understanding. problem is, he's this very sweet guy and that's the first thing that i fall for. f**k! (yeah right, why don't i just write it, right?) im not in the mood for cussing...

third, CMLI. im kind of excited because i AM!! enough said, right?

4th: my mom...ala lng...naisip ko lang sha...hehe..

lastly: my hair. *sighs* had it rebonded a week ago but it seemed like it just got worse...fuck....now im in the mood..

'till here...oh...i haven't wrote anything for my birthday...how bleak of me...

the pain

today i really feel disgusted at myself...

i don't know but when i opened my friendster profile and saw that nobody cared, i sort of had a really weird repulsive feeling. plus im really stressed at my recent ACET which turned out to be just okay. hmmm....i think i can't rest...it's too heavy. i wanna write but i can't seem to. i open my unfinished 15th chapter, scroll to the last paragraph and find myself looking for something good to write. i get really upset and close the software even before i thought of doing so. last wednesday, when i joined the swimming singles "accidentally" and saw how sick worried ezra was when he saw that i was almost out breath, i felt sort of glad because i wanted that feeling of being cared for. and i thought my inspiration had come back. BIG MISTAKE. it was just a one hour fantasy that faded the instant i stepped on the unpolished upholstery of the van that would take me to ormoc. and i was a little happy because the fact that i was already over the funny feelings i used to have around ezra was finally gone. when i look at him, there's no spark anymore. like when i watched him play soccer the other day. before, i used to have this chills seeing him run like some famous runner and kick some grass that I figure raul gonzales (my fave and hottest soccer hunk capt. of real madrid) also did when he was young. but now, i just watch him like im watching keith gomez play. there was nothing there...and maybe...i already had something in place of him on my mind...

im not concentrating on anyone coz the same feelings i had for mark were long, long way gone. and i don't think they'll ever come back. what i don't like is how he treats me like i still like him...making all those kilig gestures...he just doesn't know they don't move me anymore. im kind of used making promises to myself that i break a little too often. sometimes, it hurts me but i love the things i learn from the pain. im tired of fronting and for once, i wanna tell "girly-girly" that sometimes, the things she tells me don't interest me one bit. for once i wanna tell my mom that i appreciate her and i love her and i wanna tell my sister how lucky i am for having her in my life. i wanna hug all my friends and kiss them and tell them how beautiful they have made my life. for once i wanna pull ezra and tell him how happy i am to be free from the feelings that i had for him all these years. i wanna tell mr. q how funny it is to be right and be wrong at the same time. i wanna tell mark that i don't like him that way i did anymore. i wanna tell myself to stop trying and accept that i can't please everybody. ive got to stop trying. because im so tired.

so why am i writing all this? as a matter of fact, i don't know. maybe it's the fact that sometimes, when you try very hard, you tend to step on other people. and that's a bad thing. i know i hurt a lot of people. and ive been hurt but a lot of people. it's this concept of mutualism. which i still don't get. hmmn...i guess i have to end it all here....until next time...

she's killing me

oh my god!!! im not usually a person who would hurt other people just to stand up for whar i believe because i think it wouldn't justify the pain but earlier in enlish class, i thought twice. my blood pressure could only rise as high but it couldn't rise any higher. argh!!! fuck her!! i couldn't fucking stand her anymore. it's like she's the most stupid incompetent wannabe teacher in this fuckin planet!! i am so tired of her slow fuckin baby-talk and her rewind-lessons that never move on! and she pretends she knows all these thing when it's so obvious that she fuckin doesn't. and then we talked about general and specific statements this afternoon which was a friggin peace of cake and she made it a ct. so one statement was "The Trojans shouldn't have let the enemies in" Who the devil would ever think that the fuckin statement is general? is she that retarded not to see that fucking TROJANS blaring at her!!! seriously, i would have stood up and shaved all her hair off right then and there. *sighs* it's killing me day after day. i mean english was supposed to be my favorite subject. but she's slaughtering it. now im afraid on the path of coming to resent it in the future. it's my only talent and she's taking it away from me. im not writing this because i think i know a lot better than her because as a matter of fact i do. nevertheless, i wrote this shit to let out how i feel because i don't want to be taught the wrong things because it's english and i want to learn it the right way. im really really disappointed in her. i want to move to college right away. and after saying it all, i still have on more sentence left to say: she sucks.

i am glad yesterday happened.everything turned out beautifully except in the morning where i crammed out all over the place. friday night was a bleak total disaster. my head was coming right off. im just glad mardi had the joke that totally blew me away. culminating program was just okay. it wasn't the best but i was glad everything turned out all right at the end. at first, i was really pissed off at earl because he kept changing his mind out being our piyaya guanio.but i was really glad there was someone else who took his place. hail to joaquin carlos b. sydiongco who lives to prove he is braver than any guy there is.everybody had a good laugh, we had too so hmm...okay.

next part where we had cat formation...my blood boiled to its limit. i was fuckin tired and michelle who so happened to be our co-commandant decided to perform her newly-found sanctions on us which i didn'think was bad but then i really lost my head. hmmn...i almost puked in front of mark because she made us carry those heavy truckload of rubbish. but i was happy because i was able to be with mark...problem is...carrying a huge can of garbage with your crush isn't exactly my own idea of romance. but *shrugs* maybe it's romantic because it isn't. well, anyhow...i went home with the urge to pull out michelle's curls because i was really angry..but when i talked to her later in the day...i guess i just misunderstood her...

yesterday afternoon was also our career guidance session where we had tita au.au (raffy's mom) as our speaker. she talked about the challenges and fascinations about medical school and how the philippines would have a shortage of doctors if students continue becoming nurses.good point there. well, the nice thing about it was i enjoyed it. well, next we had a ssg meeting with the pta officers. it was creepy but it turned out rather hhmmm...meaningful..

anyhow, im glad yesterday was over. but there was something more meaningful than those things. i got my inspiration back. thanks to mark...he looked really hot in that yellow-blue sweatshirt of his...hmm...that's nice...

what a day

today i have a lot of things to write.

first: i woke up this morning thinking the rest of the rest of the day might go bad. i was just thankful we had shortened schedule so that our 2 periods in physics would be cut off in two. then it would lessen the chances of mr. q. giving us another round of shouting fits which we noticed were getting frequent by the day. but actually, both periods turned out okay. we had an excursion which i enjoyed and we discussed it after, which i enjoyed as well. he was smiling and all of us were smiling. how i wished back then it would be just like that every day. that way, no one gets hurt or angry.

second: i was really pissed off when i heard there was gonna be an honors assembly because i thought and i thought i was sure i wasn't going to get any of those merit cards they were giving out this year. so i sat at the back with my friends, thinking how they would get a lot of those little cards while i will just be sitting, clapping for them. it doesn't really matter to me because i know im happy for them. but what happpened was the exact opposite. i know deep within myself that no matter how hard i try to deny that i don't want to be in the honor roll...it's just won't happen because a much bigger part of me will always wish for that privilege. so when i got called for the academic achievers, i felt i wanted to scream and thank God and go crazy. i never thought i'd get any because i failed in the science and math ao qt which was a big deal because they were major academic subjects. when i went back to my seat, i was thankful enough and didn't expect more but guess what? my name was called again for the honor list. i never thought i'd get in! and i ranked 9th which wasn't so bad considering the grades i had....i felt like i could cry out of ecstasy. and then when i saw hanie...i started feeling sad because she didn't get any. i don't wanna be happy while she pains inside. i know it must have hurt to have your name not called when you know you deserve to be in that list. if only i wasn't so afraid to tell her she didn't need those little cards to prove how intelligent she was. oh well. but generally, i couldn't really be any happier.

third: we had a really wonderful session in the ssg today.im not suppose to tell this but ill tell it anyway. but just the jist.well we had an open forum where we were allowed to say our resentments towards each other and let it out to that person. the president started and told us how he changed because of us. i wanted to object right then and there but i knew if i did, there'd be more misunderstanding. then mark amazed me with his bravery. it was the time where i could really say that he was a hundred and one percent man. a lot of people cried, i cried. hmmmn...i guess the ssg could make you do things you never thought you would do.

*sighs* well those three made my day expect the lame kalesa practice we had. ugh! our adviser is killing me! and i just wanted to snatch her white sandals and slash the heels off. they look very horrid with her yellow dress. well anyway, enough of that blabber. people have strong points and weak points. but sometimes, people have to learn to accept and respect the things that's not really their stuff. well, that's all i can write for now. 'till next time...toodles...

god i just wanna scream how i hate the world

yey! we won the impersonation contest! im so proud but i didn't like the fact the our own adviser wasn't even there to see us win. she hasn't really been much of an adviser...all she does is tell us to clean and clean and then asks us these weird random questions. well whatever. actually i like her when she's not teaching, when she's just being herself or singing with us while we wipe wax on the floors. that is the ms. loro i like because she acts like our age. however, i totally despise her when starts teaching. actually i don't blame her. i blame the fairy godmother or whoever assigned a new teacher to teach the seniors, especially that we're graduating.didn't it ever occured to these old people that we need someone already used with the curriculum to the handle the class? and what is with these stupid grading system? they say the changed it to give everyone a chance to become an honor student! fuck! what's happening right now is the opposite. all the honor student potentials all have flunking grades in quarterly test~ YES the fucking QUARTERLY TESTS. and what's more shit is that they're holding this stupid honors assembly where they give out fuckin certificates. im not insecured because i know im not going to receive one...my issue is WHY NOW? WHY US? we've been through hell with MR. quinones already and now mr. pacayra won't even talk to us. ms. loro's class sucks all my love i have for english and other teachers are just ghh! i don't know! im starting to hate school which is pretty extreme for me because i love school. and i love my teachers and my classmates. but right now, it's just hate. i hate em all. i hate the teachers who hate us and i hate going to school. oh and i won't 4get to say how hurt i was when mr. q who i though was my favorite teacher called the whole class DUMB FOUR times. i felt like i just wanted to stand up and say everything was his fault because he expected more than what we could give. we are not einteins who could get why we need to have this force to act on this body in a fraction of a second. and we are not a heap of stupid children who need shouts to understand. if he just delivered the lesson calmly and not shout then maybe we could understand. and now he has guts to wonder why students are fuckin afraid of him.

he said hate is such a strong word yet he stirs it up in every inch of us. he should learn that even young people could carry emotions that only the devil could feel. he's showing us hell and he's teaching me to hate him. i don't want to because i still think we have a connection beyond a student-teacher relationship. if i met him in a different circumstance, im sure he'd have been my best friend. i don't wanna hate anyone but the real world requires that. a lot of people say love makes the world go round. i guess love got sick and asked hate to do the job.

ah shit

my life is beginning to get fucked up like hell. for one second i thought i could do these things and the next im stumbling out of control. im missing out a lot and i just had a failing mark in math which was surprise for me because i thought i understood what mr. pacayra was saying and when i solved the items, they seemed pretty solvable....i mean i can't even talk without people reprimanding me to shut up and the teachers suddenly have all these stupid shouting fits that they throw without a real reason. i mean students do not learn that way...the more they shout at us, the more stupid we become....i never wished nor hoped i would ever come near a point where i would hate school...because normallly...i do not spend a lot of time hating because i believe life is too fuckin short for that. we do not live by cursing but yes i fucking use all these fuckin profanities because its the only outlet i see...everything is starting to drain away...my inspiration is gone...i can't even write shit...im loosing everything that i have and people don't even see that. i try so fuckin hard to be someone that everyone will appreciate but now i realize that will be a waste of my time because people will always notice mistakes. im tired and im sick. and people don't even care. they tell me to be myself and when i do they tell me to change. the devil! and to think they tell you not to hate. because hate is such a strong word because hate is the devil...well i HATE the world...i hate the PEOPLE in it and I HATE myself....i used to be someone optimistic but i don;t think the world works that way...people die other people live...everything's just unfair...u can;t expect to be resilient anymore..people don't have that fuckin oppurtunity anymore...we gonna grab everything that's pushed up in our face....

shoppin (again)

i love it when my mom gets her salary and we [her me and my sister] get to shop around the city. and i get to buy new clothes haha...it was wonderful because i got a new shirt and a new rusty skirt. but what was even cooler was when we went to this italian restaurant called Leni's Garden. oh but wasn't it the most beautiful and peaceful restaurant ive ever seen. everywhere u turn there was always green...there was this beautiful bridge and a beautiful pond and two noisy but adorable myna birds. they were really noisy but u would love it. they were all 'good morning', 'hello', then when u try to talk back, one would squeal 'quiet' while the other would quack like it was some kind of an insane goose. we tried to teach them to say 'bulhoot' but all that they would say are 'hello' or 'quiett!!!!' they were tons of fun. then we ordered the restaurant's specialty which were this really orange and VERY delicious spare ribs...and then i had a mango shake and an orange creme brule and some choco-topped waffles and some bananana and mango crepe. they were all delicious, esp. the spare ribs. it was pork with this beautiful cauli flower side dish...uh...i could still taste it in my mouth...the waffles were kind of hard..but good and the crepe was a little creepy but i liked it...haha...soryy my writing is kind of lame...im lacking inspirationg from all the abhors of patinikan. but it was all worth it..the tears...the sweat...the risk of causing my throat a cancer...it was all good.

leadership training seminar

we had our annual leadership training seminar today and it was loads of fun. id be lying if i say i like it better than last year because the truth is, i liked it better last year. but i liked the participants this year the most because they were all cool except for a couple of shelled freshmen and sophomore. i admit that when i first heard that kuya marty and co. aren't our facilitators, i was a bit isappointed but when i met sir cip and mrs. p, they were also as cool.

the first thing they made us do was kind of the usual stuff, the ones the facis made us do for four years. and that is to write our expectations, from the seminar, the facis and our co-participants. i didn't quite enjoy it even if i was the reporter. after that, sir cip made us draw a symbol that would represent ourself and i drew a
pen and a crumpled paper for mine. then they made us share it with our group members. i also didn't enjoy that activity. after the reccess came the fun! we were all blindfolded and they made us walk all around the soccer and soccerbaseball field like freaks. it was quite of exhilarating but we all had fun. it was a once-in-a-lifetime experience for me. i know it sounds cheesy but it's true. after that we had lunch break.i was kind of tired during lunchbreak. but i had to keep my lethargy to myself because i had isymae come over so she could fit the gown she would wear tomorrow for the bb.agham pictorial. and we would also be making her costume since i had this really formidble stupid dream about aunt vanessa totally dishing me
out because i attempted to borrow her wedding dress. but enough about that...she really looked very elegant in the golden prom gown of panyang. and it complimented her beauty a lot.

so we went back to school and we were sort of late for the reactions and sharing of the things u learned on the previous activity. i thought the afternoon wasn't going to be a lot of fun but what happened was the exact opposite. our first activity was trying to maintain this little peace of cotton from touchin the ground and we
sort of like have to blow it up. and we were all like "hoooooooo" francis even tried to kick it up and ended up kicking someone else's face instead! twas so hilarious! after three rounds, our group emerged VICTORIOUS! huh! in their faces!

after that, kuya cip gave us instructions about our last activity. i was disappointed because hello..."ONLY two activities for one whole frickin afternoon?" and the instructions were kind of complicated and i really didn't get the jist. so after that, mr. cip gave us 15 minutes to plan and we talked about how we were going to accomplish the tasks. the first task was all of us to get through an "electric square" and if a part of you touched it, the group has to do it over again. the second task was to get inside the building through stepping on folders and if u fell or ur foot touched the ground, which is "toxic" someone has to carry you and we don't want that to happen. the third and final task is to build a tower building of glasses with 17 plastic cups on the bottom without TALKING. we all assumed the electric square sir was refering to was the oval stage so we never got to plan on how to accomplish that one. we all focused on how to accomplish the second one.

after the planning, we went inside to start our first missions and found out what stupid maniacs we all have been. the electric square wasn't the oval stage, it was a small square made of rope. we all kind of panicked because we had doubts if mardi, who is kind of big, would fit in. but still we tried. but then we failed because someone always touched the "electric" side. it was kind of drizzling so sir cip said we could proceed to the next task without completing the frst one. the second task, which we thought was the most difficult among the three turned out to be the easiest! i was so bummed because we focused all our 15 minutes on that one. so when we finished our second task we proceeded to the third. it wasn't really hard. well for me, who wasn't involved in the contstruction wasn't but i think it was for those whobuilt it. they almost finish and the building falls, then it happens over and over again.

but we also had fun, those we weren't building. we were having fun making hooting noises since we couldn't talk we sort of built this bonding between us and the juniors. i liked the seminar a lot because i had fun and learned at the same time. the things i learned, i already learned but i guess a new perspective will dome good sometimes. hmm...i'll surely keep my last LTS a memory that would serve a lifetime!

girl

well ms.loro made us read a really short story in english sub today and it was entitled "GIRL" by Jamaica Kincaid. hmmm....if u have read it or heard about and didn't like it because u failed to see what it means to convey...damn the shit outta you! and if u disapprove of the message it conveys, u can go fuck the devil in hell. not disrespectin ur opinion, it's just that if u agree that women should do everything that frickin mother tells her daughter to do...then what kind of a stereotype retard are u? STEREOTYPES ARE BULLSHIT. they shouldn't exist and people shouldn't follow them. well if u follow them, ur a shitshagger and i hate shitshaggers. so i hate you.

first about the different smiles. couldn't a girl have one frickin smile for everybody? couldn't she smile the same way to a boy she doesn't like very much to a boy she doesn't like at all? and what is WITH all THE FUCKIN PUDDING? Not everyone is a gifted cook. and i don't get about why a girl shouldn't pick other people's flowers either. and why she has to run away after she just spat in the air. and how dare that mother call her daughter a SLUT? she is the SLUT! boy if my mother forced me to do any of those things that mother told her daughter to do, ill sue her and make her disown me. but my mother never was stereotype. she supports my gothic side. but whatever...back to that stupid mother...

she also tells her daughter never to talk in a sunday? what is with that? why isn't she allowed so? is it because it's sabbath? guh! i could slap the bible in that mother's face so she would know that even Jesus talked on sabbath! boy, that mother is one hell of pharisee personified!

and what is with this women-are-meant-to-be-housemakers shit? women are MORE CAPABLE than those stupid men who couldn't care less about the world because of their dicks! they cook, they sew, they build, they love, they fight, they tow cars, they drive men crazy, they can do anything and these insane social retards dare say that all these things are going to end up in a four-walled prison? a thousand hands down for that!women are meant to work! they are NOT just home makers! OKAY? it's their choice! more shit........

STEREOTYPES ARE BULLSHIT. they shouldn't exist. and if in society, those stereotypes are rules, then i'll turn myself into a radical. im not saying it's bad to teach your daughter how to smile,walk, talk or spit...because it frickin all boils down to manners. but manners don't involve slavery. manners take form in different ways...and being stereotype doesn't necessarily mean you're well-mannered. u could be as shit as any goths in this world. and goths are cool. not because they break rules and stereotypes, but because they're brave enough to stand by who they really are. that's what i wanna be. and hopefully, that's who i am right now. GOTH. PUNK. PROVOCATIVE. so what?


Girl
Jamaica Kincaid

Wash the white clothes on Monday and put them on the stone heap; wash the color clothes on Tuesday and put them on the clothesline to dry; don't walk barehead in the hot sun; cook pumpkin fritters in very hot sweet oil; soak your little cloths right after you take them off; when buying cotton to make yourself a nice blouse, be sure that it doesn't have gum on it, because that way it won't hold up well after a wash; soak salt fish overnight before you cook it; is it true that you sing benna in Sunday school?; always eat your food in such a way that it won't turn someone else's stomach; on Sundays try to walk like a lady and not like the slut you are so bent on becoming; don't sing benna in Sunday school; you mustn't speak to wharbfflies will follow you; but I don't sing benna on Sundays at all and never in Sunday school; this is how to sew on a button; this is how to make a button-hole for the button you have just sewed on; this is how to hem a dress when you see the hem coming down and so to prevent yourself from looking like the slut I know you are so bent on becoming; this is how you iron your father's khaki shirt so that it doesn't have a crease; this is how you iron your father's khaki pants so that they don't have a crease; this is how you grow okrbafar from the house, because okra tree harbors red ants; when you are growing dasheen, make sure it gets plenty of water or else it makes your throat itch when you are eating it; this is how you sweep a corner; this is how you sweep a whole house; this is how you sweep a yard; this is how you smile to someone you don't like too much; this is how you smile to someone you don't like at all; this is how you smile to someone you like completely; this is how you set a table for tea; this is how you set a table for dinner; this is how you set a table for dinner with an important guest; this is how you set a table for lunch; this is how you set a table for breakfast; this is how to behave in the presence of men who don't know you very well, and this way they won't recognize immediately the slut I have warned you against becoming; be sure to wash every day, even if it is with your own spit; don't squat down to play marblebsyou are not a boy, you know; don't pick people's flowerbsyou might catch something; don't throw stones at blackbirds, because it might not be a blackbird at all; this is how to make a bread pudding; this is how to make doukona; this is how to make pepper pot; this is how to make a good medicine for a cold; this is how to make a good medicine to throw away a child before it even becomes a child; this is how to catch a fish; this is how to throw back a fish you don't like, and that way something bad won't fall on you; this is how to bully a man; this is how a man bullies you; this is how to love a man; and if this doesn't work there are other ways, and if they don't work don't feel too bad about giving up; this is how to spit up in the air if you feel like it, and this is how to move quick so that it doesn't fall on you; this is how to make ends meet; always squeeze bread to make sure it's fresh; but what if the baker won't let me feel the bread?; you mean to say that after all you are really going to be the kind of woman who the baker won't let near the bread?


*raises eyebrows* if u didn't like it, u can bite ur ass in hell.

i am in LOVE!!!

This day is like one of the best days ever! I mean we went to Sabin resort hotel for uncle luis' welcome party and he like rented two executive rooms for us! It was really cool after he just gave us a pretty big feast the other night. Well speaking of Friday, which was the 13th bday of my cuzin Erika, I won the friggin' SSG election via long constantly interrupted speech which got everyone standin up and sayin, 'I wanna be a leader' the shit. Haha. I loved the site of those kids just standin and believing what I said. The feeling was so nice and cool. Well so last night, me and my cousins were makin noise along the corridors and we were very boisterous. I'll admit the shit out of that. So this guy opened the door of his room and was like, "is something wrong?" I was starstudded because he was really CUTE and had this mystifying accent. I loved the sound of his voice. So I asked my cousin to make noise again so he would come out and he did and I was blushin when he went,
"what's wrong now?" so I apologized and he said he thought someone was scared. GOD!! He's so fuckin handsome!!!

So then the next day, I mean morning, after half of my cousins went home because of this Baptist blessing activity their having over school, we decided to take another swim. So we did and we had LOADS of fun playing tag with uncle luis and his driver, tito jay and mardi and aunt vawnette and we were shoutin and swimming and eating (which actually was prohibited) and jumpin. U know, even if uncle luis is just they
typical overweight American guy, I think he's the coolest foreigner I know! Not because he treated us or gave us this really big room to sleep in but because he accepted us which I know most Americans fail to do with their fiance's family.

So after an hour, we got to rest and swim a little individually and Erika noticed that the LA guy (I called him that because uncle luis talked to his parents and they told him they were from LA) was comin over to swim. So that was the chance and I wasn't going to let it slip thru my fingers...so when ate juliebethe just sort of flushed her guts out and told the guy that i wanted to know his name, i rode on and asked him what his name was. and he gave me this cute smile and said i could call him joe. so i did and i asked him how old he was and he said 14 and i was like 14? REALLY? i mean u look older. he gave a chuckle and said i was the first girl to ever tell him he looked older. we both laughed and out of embarrassment, i swam away. so then i got to the other side and got to talk to my future in laws...i mean...his parents and they were really cool. we talked about us and what school we go to, how to get to these places and then out of a sudden, mom...i mean his mother called kate, his sister and introduced her to us. so i talked to her and she was a really sweet girl who's graduating from 6th grade this year...lovely...so HE came over and that was the start of the MOST WONDERFUL conversation i had in my life!

frst we talked about his school and how he hated it and i told him i felt the same and the only thing that made it interesting were the cute guys. he laughed. i laughed. his mother laughed. so did his sister. then from that forwards, he just started talking non-stop about how i was going to survive if i went in LA. frst he
told me never to park my car or else there wouldn't be any car anymore except its skeletons because LA gangers would strip the skin off and shoot you. then he told me LA gangsters shoot downwards and he demonstrated it and i was kind of shocked. then his father told him to slow down and lessen the volume of his voice and i laughed and he ignored his dad and talked some more. then he told me about america's rampant 'suing business'. he narrated how this guy stole his friends car, crashed it and injured himself. then he had these guts to sue his friend! and the judge was like, "do u have any idea how retarded u sound right now?" and the guy went, "no!" and the judge said, "well i do! case closed!" then he told me other couple of cases where people sue other people for senseless reasons and told me that even kids sue their parents. and he also said people in america sue dead people! lyk this stupid retard who sued marcos because he stole a golden buddha or abraham lincoln because of some slavery stuff. then i asked him if he would ever sue his parents and he said no because he loved them both very much.

and inside me i was like, "marry me!'" OMG he is such a family man! then out of the blue he just said hated michael jackson, i told him i did too and he said that the michael jackson we know is not the real one and the real one is in mars, cleaning the dirty asses of martians...and we both laughed and his father said no cuss in front of women. i said it was okay becaused i do cusses myself...then we laughed again...and again and talked some more until it was the time for us to go home. i smiled and i told him i had a VERY WONDERFUL time talking to him and i said that if i ever went to LA would he be willing to hang out with me and he said it would be his pleasure. and i blushed and he blushed and extended his hand and i took it and i said goodbye.

because of too much ecstasy, i forgot to get his number or his e-mail address and right now, im googling him and kate. haha. oh well...this must be LOVE...mwaahhhaha!!!