sick and tired. literally.

i am so tired.

ive been awake since 3 am to finish the questions for game ka na ba. today's teachers' day so i have to give a little sacrifice for the success of the program. just yesterday, i had another reprimand yet again because of our stupid id. i would have done the job if there weren't other thing i was concerned about. this week was just too hectic for me. oh and i got sick. i have this fuckin cold right now and my clogged nose is just throwing me off my back. and i have this stupid sports article to write. well till this here coz i still have a shitload of stuff to do.

Princess Hours

      

Oh my God! I am totally in love with this koreanovela. and it's not because it's aired in abs-sbn...which i totally don't like. *chuckles* my cousin, erika bought a dvd and we watched it for two straight days. it's funny coz we would sleep at 5 am watching it and wake up at 8 to watch it again. boy was it LONG! but it was worth it because every scene was just breathtaking. wow.

the story started with the korean emperor making a pact with his trusted friend. they agreed that the prince (his grandson) would marry his friend's only grand-daughter. several years later, the unsuspecting crowned prince Xin and the unsuspecting grand-daughter Caijing meet after she accidentally spilled murky water over his white shoes. he gets angry and well that was their first meeting haha. they meet again when caijing accidentally heard xin proposing to his ballerina girlfriend xaolin but xaolin rejects him because according to her, ballet was the only thing she wanted to pursue. caijing got caught and was apprehended by the prince, not knowing she was actually his soon-to-be-wife. well personally, i think it was kind of funny to hear your fiance proposing to another woman. lolz anyway...

so when xin got home, his father told him about the agreement between his grandpa and the friend and that he was to be married with the friend's grand-daughter. xin's dad gave him a picture and imagine his shock when he found out the caijing was to be his wife. well it didn't really take him long to concede. same case for caijing so they got married. and this was the start of their funny and a little-bit-dramatic married life.

im not going to give spoilers. you'll just have to watch it yourself. oh and watch out for the honeymoon...nyahaha...it's the funniest scene EVER!! haha well anyway, princess hours really made my bleak days beautiful and i am just SO in love right now. and XIN is the handsomest korean EVER!!! I love him to death! LV was pretty handsome himself...but I love XIN! Xin Go! oh and i also love caijing. she's so cute. nyahaha! well, have to end it here. hope u get to watch princess hours. it's really wonderful. xoxoxo ^_~

the worst xmas party ever

christmas break has begun. and by christmas break, i mean days with absolutely nothing to do. in simpler terms...boredom. well, i don't mean christmas is boring...it's just that people like me don't have anything to do and having something to do is our life. well, yesterday it was budin's birthday so i bolted from my house so i would not meet with her hyperkinetic classmates. oh and last saturday was our christmas party. frankly, i hated it. i didn't enjoy it as much as i thought i would and it's the worst christmas party ive ever been to.

no offense to those who coordinated (well i am one of them), i just didn't like how everything turned out. our party just reflected how we can't settle our differences to work on a common goal and it's just sad because we spent like five hours debating over which theme we should incorporate: punk or western. from the very beginning, when i heard that they wanted to have punk as a theme, i felt the urge to throw this tantrum and slash their heads one by one. i mean, PUNK is NOT a theme in the first place. it's a genre of music which goths, rockers listen to. well today, of course we call those who listen or love punk as punks but still it's something abstract. so jaye asked everyone what their interpretation of punk was. no one answered except ME. fuck. i just wanted to curse right then and there. jaye then interrupted that for her punk was baggy jeans, bling-blings and pimpy jewels. the shit. i love her and i respect her opinion but i just can't let her mix punk with hip-hop. so i complained that what she was describing was something entirely different but they said i had no right because it was her opinion. so if i think that jaye was the ugliest girl in the planet then no one has the right to resent me because im entitled to my own opinion. but i think that's wrong because it's not an opinion anymore, it's a lie. if i say jaye is ugly but she's really beautiful, it wouldn't be fair for her. fuck those people! i hope they bite their asses off in hell!

gahh! i don't wanna go on talking how on the day of chirstmas party, those lowlifes who bashed me because i opposed to having punk as a theme wore NOTHING CLOSE to punk!! i just hate them! fuck the shit of them! i hope they burn in hell! they just ruined what i perceived to be the best christmas party of my high-school! how dare them speak about something they don't really know about? how dare them use punk when they don't really know what it means? *tugs hair* god! i wanna pull out all of their hairs! they are pieces of shit!

stay

"you say i only hear what i want to, i don't listen hard, don't pay attention to the distance that you're running to anyone, anywhere, don't understand if you really care im only hearing negative"

god i hate myself. i don't understand why it is so hard to get over him! i mean i spent a goddamn year just to stop myself from thinking and i thought i was over him but yesterday, his frickin hair ruined it all. *sighs* oh my god, he lookes so handsome with his hair pushed back and all that. i just couldn't help blushing when he starts talking to me and the way he touched my hair this morning...oh my god. im afraid im starting to fall again. i don't want to. im enjoying my life without worrying about crushy things...im sick and tired of that. it's always this feeling and then i get hurt again. it's so unfair. why can't i ever move on? it's like he's cursed to be forever engraved in my mind. and im cursed to never exist in his. i thought i could act normal but i guess i get tired of lying, too.


and now i can't walk pass him without getting butterflies because of his scent. the way i blush around him is entirely different than i do with other guys. it's like my whole body is in heat and right then and there i wanna tell him how i feel. but that will never happen because i vowed to myself i would only keep my feeling to myself. it's over. done. i don't want him to stay in my life and it's just weird how at the same time, i find myself missing him if he's not.

this chirstmas, all i want is freedom. absolute, real freedom. no strings, no regrets, just pure freedom. i wanna live my life alone, go through high-school without having to worry about crazy things boyfriends and girlfriends worry about. i wish to never fall in love again....that way....things remain bland and random...which is exactly why i exist.

the truth about physics

im in the computer room right now because mr. quimilat asked us to do something well, particularly a research about monetary and fiscal policy but i've long finished so now i wanna write something about hmm...the biggest misconception in my life: PHYSICS.

if michelle had not commented on the post i wrote about her move in and there was something about physics there...i wouldn't have had the idea of writing about it. first of course when i still hadn't touched physics, i thought it was one boring subject, that it would constitute this very boring senior year. well, i had my own reasons of getting scared and those are because i've heard and witnessed the seniors before us get shouted at and reproached frequently by mr. q. and i didn't like the way the feeling it gave and led me to conclude that maybe physics is a scary subject and would probably prompt a lot of shouting fits. fits i do not and i hope will never substantiate themselves ever again. so during first day...i had no book but i did catch this glimpse on the others'. and believe me i didn't like what i read. with all those forces and motion and stuff..they all seemed pointless...and i didn't see any significance of learning them..

well that was before i met the real physics personally. i dunno but it just took me a couple of days to get hooked up. when i first read (in advance) about free fall and acceleration...just can't stop myself. it was all surreal but then i got to touch it and found it really addictive. so then on i started reading about force and friction and i borrowed physics books from the library. i enjoy the tests we had which i normally don't and i just enjoy the feeling of knowing that i understand what mr q is talking about. i loved the laws well especially the law of universal gravitation. i sort of developed a special fondness for it.

"Every object attracts another object with a force that is directly proportional to the product of their masses and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them"

well anyway, im striving hard to get high grades in physics. im not that good but at least i know within me that i love what i learn and im not after those certificates anyway. i don't think those pieces of paper really matter..

the break-up

Well last night, I submitted myself to another reverie and the fact that I will never have anyone who will treat me special in High-school. It didn’t work well with Ezra because I know if he did feel something special towards me, it was no more and no less than friendship. Truth to be told, I got tired of clinging on to the hope that he might see me as something more than a friend and fortunately, I got over him in no less than three months. I realized this during Intramurals when he was playing soccer like he always does. Usually, during the times when I still had “feelings” for him, I would feel prickly all over whenever I see him run. But when I watched him that day, there was nothing. No pricks, no tingles, not even a rush of blood. And I felt myself smile because I’ve been hurting for two years already and it felt awfully good to break free from that pain.

The reason why I got over him all of a sudden is still something I’m trying to figure out myself. I don’t think it was our distance or the fact that we currently belong to different classrooms. Nor am I thinking that it was because I realized, which in fact I had, that he was better off with someone else like Frances who obviously has everyone nodding. In terms of beauty, I admit I stand no chance because she’s really beautiful. But when you speak about talent, I think we stand on the same grounds. So if it wasn’t those, what did make me forget him? Or who?

The only person I could look up to see whenever I ask that question to myself is the same person who I promised never to get attracted to. I don’t want to write down his name because I don’t like how I feel about him. For my part, I think it’s unfair that I fell for someone who will probably hurt me as much as the previous person did. Well, not really personally because I don’t think the guy’s capable of doing any harm to any girl. Or at least, that’s what I think of him.

Hmm...and here’s one shocker. Marie and Philippe broke up. Worse is they decided to split on the day of their monthsary. Well, personally I respect their move because it’s hard to keep track of each other’s feelings when you’re a thousand miles apart. But, I also think it was kind of rash. I know I do not have any right to say anything about their relationship because I’m just a mere witness. But as a close friend of them both, I think they shouldn’t end up like this. For Marie’s part, I know how she feels because I’ve also been through the whole waiting part. And I understand why she would set herself free. the rest is not my business so im not talkin about it...

a heartbreaking day

when i came home, i thought i would be able to write something about what i thought was needed to be written. but the moment my ass touched the swivel chair, the need suddenly vanished and i found myself at a loss for words, which i only do when my inspiration drains. and i guess now it's gone again. and to think i spent almost three months of regaining it only to loose in one frickin day. one thing i hate about other people is they make fun out of other people's feelings. they think it's funny but they don't know how much it hurts.

first, i am not a last-resort crush. it's like when all else fails, they turn to me. second, can nobody like me, like me just the way i am? do i have to get myself anorexia just to have someone like me? for me, i don't think it's fair. Third, I am not a FLIRT. i don't flirt and i don't like people flirting around other people. it's gross and disgusting. 4th, i know im a maniac but im not a pervert and never in my life have i ever considered having sex anywhere with anyone. and i don't think i'll do that untill i find someone i think who deserves to see the real me and until i reach the right age to do that. i admit ive seen a couple of hentai movies but i don't engage in any of the activities i saw them doing. and i don't do Ms...okay? i just watch to learn so that when i go to college, those city freaks won't have any reason to mess with me.

4th...i wanna die. im loosing my purpose to live and it's not becuase i know that if i wait for love, it would be in vain, it's because that my life is turning to be the one thing i hate the most: routinary and stereotype. for once i wanna wake up one morning to a whole new door of possibilities. for once, i wanna wake up not knowing what will happen next. i want spontaneity but all i get is structure. my life's all fucked up. it's so random. well, so am i...

the flying kiss

we had our computer fixed today and im just so glad to have it back. truth to be told, im not really that psyched because im getting used with the laptop and i think it was more advantageous that the big one. nevertheless, im glad it got fixed already. problem is all my files got erased including everything i wrote. but it's okay...they're all saved in my head anyway.

today passed like any other. well, something special did happen. it was when mr. q blew me a very cute flying kiss. i just wanna jump outta happiness. first, i didn't think he was in a good mood that afternoon. second, he doesn't look approachable and third, i get really weak when im around him. surprisingly, i got in there, handed him the shirt and blurted, "sir, it's for you". my face was in heat, that i am sure of. but then he looked at me, gave this very invigorating smile and thanked me along with the cute flying kiss. *sighs* mr. q really is my favorite teacher. hmm...'till here...im not really in the writing mood right now but whatever. n_~

so many things, so little time

today, i had a lot of things to accomplish. Surprisingly, I had not done a single thing. The reasons may not be precise because if anything, it wouldn't be lack of inspiration because you can bet to the rocks that I am, if not flushed, overly-inspired.

the reason is that maybe i wanted to rest and not think of anything related to school, let alone actually do it. the idea of monday haunts me but at the same time thrills me. I miss my classmates, I miss being bored, I miss having the chills before Physics class. I miss school and yet I resent the idea of it. I know I sound crazy right now but it's the way I feel. Plus, I'm getting the hang of watching movies all day long. I watched three movies today. One aquamarine...well, I re-watched it because I think Jake McDorman is THE hottest lifeguard there. Two, my wife is a gangster. I didn't really want to watch it but Earl told me one time when we were eating in the mess hall that it was really good. Of course, I trust his judgement because we sort of have this same taste in movies...*winks* *winks* (hope u get the winking part...oh and the third one, Butterfly effect 2. the cover said it had bruce willis in it but i doubt it. i hadn't seen its prequel where it starred ashton kutcher. im not really fond of suspense films but ate len2 told me it was good so im giving it a try...

And oh it rained hard tonight. ah, how the rain smells good. it's actually a two-way ticket to a very good reverie and right now, I'm lost in my own thoughts again. I want to write when it rains because I feel like a true writer. I don't know why but the rain has this magic over me. It just gets me to my butt. I smile everytime the skies get dark. I know it's really weird of me since most people get annoyed if they don't see the sun. well, enough about the rain blabber. I must have wrote three entries about rain already. hehe..and still counting. well actually, if there is one thing that could inspire me the most, it would be the rain. never had i written anything fictional without the word "rain" in it. well, i gotta get to work..have to finish writing this stupid home reading report. if it wasn't for the crappy format, I would have been happy to write it anytime. since the format sucks, i am surprisingly suffering from the I-can't-write-a-single-letter syndrome. but i know myself. once i get to read sparknotes, the words will just come flowing down, like it always do. hmm...so till next time.

P.S. I saw Strike (my ex-crush) in mass today...he grew fatter but was still breathtakingly handsome. n_~

in love and in pain

im in love again. that much is sure. but there are a lot of things, unheard of, that I'm not sure with. the first question that im boggled with is WHY. of course it's never a wonder because it's always the first w-question asked in every situation...but this time, my kind of why is different. it's not a question of why im in love, why now or why him but rather a question of why all of a sudden. maybe because i brought it upon myself because I want to be around him as much as possible. i wanna hear him laugh, feel his hand on my shoulder and see him everywhere i look. it's ridiculous because never in a million years would i imagine myself slowly falling for someone like him. And I wanna call him "Sun" because he lights up everything he touches. but all of a sudden, in a range of just days, boom! i keep thinking about him, i wanna see him, hug him, strangle him...everything. and what's more abusrd is that I fell for someone who I know in a thousand millenia would never ever see me as someone more than a friend. And so did I. In the first place, he was just like a big brother to me and I love being around him because he makes me laugh and I get the chance to make others laugh too. What i didn't realize is that with every moment that we share something embarrassing, something dirty like we always do, those friendly feelings are slowly developing into something more intimate, something that I think is sandwiched between platonic and romantic love. Well, as a friend, I've always loved him like I loved my other friends and I get weirdly jealous if i see these girls flirting with him. but i ignored it because i also get jealous if i see my girl friends, especially the friendly ones like Panyang, talk as if sharing a secret to someone else. but now that jealousy i feel when i see him around other ladies is more painful and more painful because he's like this magnet who pulls every girl towards him. hmmn...well...not only is he a gentleman, he has one of the biggest hearts ever...(i can't believe im writing this)

another big problem is that one of my closest friends share the same feeling for him. and the jist? instead of getting in the way, i actually acted like this stupid bridge bringing them both together and at the same time getting closer to both of them. well, how will i explain this shithole im in? problem is i love them both, i love the girl and the guy and the girl deserves a move-on so im sort of setting them free. surprisingly, it didn't hurt as much as i thought it would. maybe because i like seeing my friends happy more than i like seeing myself happy. im not practicing martyrdom or anything but it's just a natural thing for me to hurt myself for the sake of the people i care for. and all i could do is write my pain because i couldn't show it to anyone. *sighs* but the big question there is, if i continue doing that, when will I be happy? i think i would be able to figure that out soon. and besides, i don't think "Sun" will light on my heart forever because i really don't think we have what it takes to be a couple. and even if we did, the odds will be huge and i believe we don't have the capacity to go against them. so as i write this entry, im breaking free from any romantic feelings that I have for him and i say "I love you goodbye"

the journey that was CMLI

it all started one early morning in the grounds of LLCI where everyone was asked to assemble. It was a dreary circumstance because I know that everybody crammed the night before. I was happy, feeling actually light, excited to be traveling again to Baguio, this time as a more matured student. Furthermore, I came with a really distinct casual fashion statement. I remembered the first time we went to manila and I wore this terrible lavender shirt, this HORRIBLE capri, a very HIDEOUS over-sized denim jacket and this murky-colored shoes which spelled "FASHION DISASTER" in total. But I won't let that happen again. Everybody came and we started our 3-hour trip to Tacloban. We started it with a rosary and ended it with loud snores and lively laughter.

The airport was the same as it had been when I first came there. Hordes of people (koreans especially) gathered round the counters, confirming their flights. And we also saw Jiggy Manicad there, one of the hosts of the GMA docu: The Reporter's Notebook. We wanted to take our pictures with him but we didn't want the rest of the people thinking we were paparazzi. So we sat down and waited for the flight. 6:50 came and we were flying to Manila. NAIA was a complete bleak, too many people for any elbow room. Ms. Sunit and Mrs. Colon were nagging at us to be hurry, not knowing it was already the fastest we could go given the demographic situation of the airport. Then we met with this woman and her daughter, which seemed to be friends with Mrs. Colon and Ms. Sunit. They were to take us to the bus port of Victory Liner. The girl, her name was Alyona (not sure) was Samatha's, Torn's, Cindy's ex-classmate but she didn't recognize them. Also, I think that girl was blushing around Earl. Haha, talk about magnetism...

So we went there around 9:45 and ate late breakfast. since that gano cereal effected on me a LOT, i didn't order anything and enjoyed myself talking and watching the rest of them eat. So we left at 10:30 and prepared ourselves for a five-hour trip to Baguio. But I was in a different situation: I was seated beside Mrs. Colon when I was supposed to be seated beside Earl. Not that I dreamed about it or anything, I mean, he IS my body after all. Yes, my BODY. SHIT. and I ended up having these little awkward moments with my Algebra teacher. But u know what, it wasn't so bad because I enjoyed talking with her. Her life when she was my age was beautiful and complicated. She shared to me her experience with her 13-year old (yes THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLD) boy friend which was really cute because their families were bestfriends close. Too bad that guy had himself conned and they were driven apart by a series of really complex circumstances. And now, they haven't seen each other for 22 years. I asked Ms. Suki if she wanted to see him after all these years and she hesitated then smiled. "I would like to see him and how his life had become" she said, as if she was talking to someone else. But even that, despite that story, I could see that she loved her husband very much considering the way she laughed and the way her face glowed when she told me how TitoRey would joke about the love life of their two sons. It actually inspired me a lot...hnmnn...

When we were done talking for like an hour, I hurried away and fell asleep becuase I didn't want the situation to get more awkward that it already was. Then, I woke up in a different temperature. My hands were freezing (I need someone else's hand) and my teeth were shaking. It was really cold. It was night and we arrived at Teacher's camp and had dinner in Jollibee. I didn't like it because the sight and the smell of the usualness of Jolibee made me kind of sick. We went for the grocery after that and went to sleep right after.

DAY 1: We spent the whole morning squiring Baguio. Enough said. In the afternoon, we had eliminations for the CFEs. I was really tired because right after I went for the Impromptu speaking contest which was improptu because we didn't know that such a contest would exist, I immediately headed for Radio Drama. It was actually embarrassing but I don't want to write about it. (ask me personally if u know me)

Day2: GOD! CDS! FRIENDS! SALVA! I love that gay! He's so gay! hahaha!

Day 3: I wonder why I don't want to talk about it. Well, I do wanna write about the wrestling I had with Earl and Shiela. Haha...it was COOL! I totally nailed that guy to his butt! Oh and a piece of secret: it was the first time I actually blushed around Earl. Hmmn...nothing suspicious though...I still think he and I do not have what it takes to be something as close to a couple. But I don't know...I kind of have these weird feelings when I get near him...like I get electrocuted or something. It's not how I feel when I'm around Ezra..not exactly...*sighs* but nah uh...I can't be attracted to earl..I mean he is EARL...hello EARL!!! he's like a big brother...*whacks head* I'm so STUPID.

Day 4: More tremors! God help me! And a twist: Shiela totally told me she also shares the same feelings for earl!!! Ha! I still blush when i think about it! Can't believe I'm in this insane circle of i don't know..puppylove. And with EARL at the center! I mean, hello,KYRA! are you okay? it's him...who knows every dirty secret you have...the first guy who you allowed to read your dirty fics! shit! this cannot be! No! But I have to let itgo....not gonna happen...it's too farfetch.

Day 5: Yay! We are leaving! And there was this storm! ha! so glad we got to escape from baguio before the signal went to three! And we got home safe. Thank you LORD! You totally rock! And oh and we formed this little JC-LEB. ahah...not going to elaborate..not official yet...but if there was anything fun about CMLI..it was the series of wrestles I had with earl and shiela, the funny and embarrassing talks in the mess hall with still earl and shiela and sneh and torn. and i think im beginning to fall in love with them both. WELL, I love Earl and Shiela. They're like my new best friends. And I also developed this bond with SNEH...haha I totally love that girl...she's so frank! Love her! and I think I am now more confident and ready to take on any challenge!

well, I guess CMLI does indeed change you one way or another. it has made me realized feelings I was afraid to acknowledge. it gave me the chance to get reconnected to the people I didn't knowi cared for deeply. and right now, can't wait for the echo conference!

nothing special...just something ordinary...

nothing special happened today...but i felt like i needed to write.

this day turned out better than i expected. the three meetings that i had to simultaneously attend got canceled and i was free to go home early. it was great because i finally had time to give my "drawing (more like imitating) ability" time. i was kind of glad at the outcome..*chuckles*

oh and one downside. we got reproached yet again by mr. q. *sighs* when will his menace end? not soon i think. but i apppreciate because it gets me to my butt. haha. and hmmm...i think im loosing the ability to concentrate. especialy in physics. i did learn and understand but when we do the test, i can't seem to answer anything. it's really weirding me off and the opposite thing is happening in math because i sort of had a surprisingly high grade at our wosa today yeah hug me. and yeah i almost forgot my team won the debate yesterday!!!

the proposition was to resolve that gross domestic product is a good indicator of economic growth and standard of living. antonieto and panyang came over last sunday so we could research and agree on our arguments. instead we end up eating pancit canton, drinking pomelo juice and nitpicking gma and abs-cbn. but of course, we already had our arguments before we goofed around. so we were ready and fortunately we won and were awarded as the "BEST DEBATING TEAM" I for one, and for myself won the "BEST SPEAKER" and "BEST CONSTRUCTIVE SPEECH" it was a pretty huge deal for me because i always loved debates. but my classmates didn't care. haha. as if i care if they did. nobody in class, except me that is, loves public speeches or debates so i understand their cold shoulders.

and speaking of ap...my grade went low to 88 which scrapes me from the achievers list. oh well...there were a lot of us so it was okay...oh and one more thing...IM AFRAID TO FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM. and im also afraid it's exactly what's happening...omigod...somebody slash my head off....i DON't WANT TO!!!

i have to erase him off my mind...question is how? how when we're going to be together for like...everyday? well, there's only one sentence fit to finish this prattles: I'VE MET MY DOOM.

when i get stuck in my own reverie...

well last night, i got myself soaked in the rain. just for a few seconds...

the feeling of wetness on my skin was beautiful and i wanted to just stay stuck in our patio,indulging my thoughts on the nothingness that hovered before me. the atmosphere was cold but i liked how my skin interacted with it. it's like the rain and i have this connection. the feeling's kind of mutual. im always in good mood when it rains and i don't mind if it disfigures a one-hour-done hair do. furthermore, rain has always a strange way of making me think and recall and remember. it's like a two-way ticket to a very significant reverie.

so i went in and got in bed, but i couldn't sleep. i turned the tv on and flicked through the channels. surprisingly, the shows weren't that bad but i found myself uninterested in the least. i resumed my curled position and my mind suddenly went blank. after a while, there was nothing i could think of and the next second, everything was coming back to me. i thought of everything.

first, i thought of myself and heard myself saying "go to the computer and write something" i was going to but lethargy (okay, okay...laziness)got the best of me so i stayed in that position. and then i began to think how capriciously ambitious i've become. my ambitions are sort of impossible and i don't like the way im turning out to be because of them.

second, i thought of my friends. hmmm.....just realized i wouldn't be me without them and i love them to my last breath. speaking of love, well i also thought about it. a) i confirm that im completely over ezra. i talked to him yesterday and had some interaction but i didn't even blush. he's just an ordinary guy to me now. b) i think im going crazy. why? because im crushin on someone im not supposed to be crushin. but im not gonna write his name here. im a really strange person and i think we have too much in common to ever have this mutual understanding. problem is, he's this very sweet guy and that's the first thing that i fall for. f**k! (yeah right, why don't i just write it, right?) im not in the mood for cussing...

third, CMLI. im kind of excited because i AM!! enough said, right?

4th: my mom...ala lng...naisip ko lang sha...hehe..

lastly: my hair. *sighs* had it rebonded a week ago but it seemed like it just got worse...fuck....now im in the mood..

'till here...oh...i haven't wrote anything for my birthday...how bleak of me...

the pain

today i really feel disgusted at myself...

i don't know but when i opened my friendster profile and saw that nobody cared, i sort of had a really weird repulsive feeling. plus im really stressed at my recent ACET which turned out to be just okay. hmmm....i think i can't rest...it's too heavy. i wanna write but i can't seem to. i open my unfinished 15th chapter, scroll to the last paragraph and find myself looking for something good to write. i get really upset and close the software even before i thought of doing so. last wednesday, when i joined the swimming singles "accidentally" and saw how sick worried ezra was when he saw that i was almost out breath, i felt sort of glad because i wanted that feeling of being cared for. and i thought my inspiration had come back. BIG MISTAKE. it was just a one hour fantasy that faded the instant i stepped on the unpolished upholstery of the van that would take me to ormoc. and i was a little happy because the fact that i was already over the funny feelings i used to have around ezra was finally gone. when i look at him, there's no spark anymore. like when i watched him play soccer the other day. before, i used to have this chills seeing him run like some famous runner and kick some grass that I figure raul gonzales (my fave and hottest soccer hunk capt. of real madrid) also did when he was young. but now, i just watch him like im watching keith gomez play. there was nothing there...and maybe...i already had something in place of him on my mind...

im not concentrating on anyone coz the same feelings i had for mark were long, long way gone. and i don't think they'll ever come back. what i don't like is how he treats me like i still like him...making all those kilig gestures...he just doesn't know they don't move me anymore. im kind of used making promises to myself that i break a little too often. sometimes, it hurts me but i love the things i learn from the pain. im tired of fronting and for once, i wanna tell "girly-girly" that sometimes, the things she tells me don't interest me one bit. for once i wanna tell my mom that i appreciate her and i love her and i wanna tell my sister how lucky i am for having her in my life. i wanna hug all my friends and kiss them and tell them how beautiful they have made my life. for once i wanna pull ezra and tell him how happy i am to be free from the feelings that i had for him all these years. i wanna tell mr. q how funny it is to be right and be wrong at the same time. i wanna tell mark that i don't like him that way i did anymore. i wanna tell myself to stop trying and accept that i can't please everybody. ive got to stop trying. because im so tired.

so why am i writing all this? as a matter of fact, i don't know. maybe it's the fact that sometimes, when you try very hard, you tend to step on other people. and that's a bad thing. i know i hurt a lot of people. and ive been hurt but a lot of people. it's this concept of mutualism. which i still don't get. hmmn...i guess i have to end it all here....until next time...

she's killing me

oh my god!!! im not usually a person who would hurt other people just to stand up for whar i believe because i think it wouldn't justify the pain but earlier in enlish class, i thought twice. my blood pressure could only rise as high but it couldn't rise any higher. argh!!! fuck her!! i couldn't fucking stand her anymore. it's like she's the most stupid incompetent wannabe teacher in this fuckin planet!! i am so tired of her slow fuckin baby-talk and her rewind-lessons that never move on! and she pretends she knows all these thing when it's so obvious that she fuckin doesn't. and then we talked about general and specific statements this afternoon which was a friggin peace of cake and she made it a ct. so one statement was "The Trojans shouldn't have let the enemies in" Who the devil would ever think that the fuckin statement is general? is she that retarded not to see that fucking TROJANS blaring at her!!! seriously, i would have stood up and shaved all her hair off right then and there. *sighs* it's killing me day after day. i mean english was supposed to be my favorite subject. but she's slaughtering it. now im afraid on the path of coming to resent it in the future. it's my only talent and she's taking it away from me. im not writing this because i think i know a lot better than her because as a matter of fact i do. nevertheless, i wrote this shit to let out how i feel because i don't want to be taught the wrong things because it's english and i want to learn it the right way. im really really disappointed in her. i want to move to college right away. and after saying it all, i still have on more sentence left to say: she sucks.

i am glad yesterday happened.everything turned out beautifully except in the morning where i crammed out all over the place. friday night was a bleak total disaster. my head was coming right off. im just glad mardi had the joke that totally blew me away. culminating program was just okay. it wasn't the best but i was glad everything turned out all right at the end. at first, i was really pissed off at earl because he kept changing his mind out being our piyaya guanio.but i was really glad there was someone else who took his place. hail to joaquin carlos b. sydiongco who lives to prove he is braver than any guy there is.everybody had a good laugh, we had too so hmm...okay.

next part where we had cat formation...my blood boiled to its limit. i was fuckin tired and michelle who so happened to be our co-commandant decided to perform her newly-found sanctions on us which i didn'think was bad but then i really lost my head. hmmn...i almost puked in front of mark because she made us carry those heavy truckload of rubbish. but i was happy because i was able to be with mark...problem is...carrying a huge can of garbage with your crush isn't exactly my own idea of romance. but *shrugs* maybe it's romantic because it isn't. well, anyhow...i went home with the urge to pull out michelle's curls because i was really angry..but when i talked to her later in the day...i guess i just misunderstood her...

yesterday afternoon was also our career guidance session where we had tita au.au (raffy's mom) as our speaker. she talked about the challenges and fascinations about medical school and how the philippines would have a shortage of doctors if students continue becoming nurses.good point there. well, the nice thing about it was i enjoyed it. well, next we had a ssg meeting with the pta officers. it was creepy but it turned out rather hhmmm...meaningful..

anyhow, im glad yesterday was over. but there was something more meaningful than those things. i got my inspiration back. thanks to mark...he looked really hot in that yellow-blue sweatshirt of his...hmm...that's nice...

what a day

today i have a lot of things to write.

first: i woke up this morning thinking the rest of the rest of the day might go bad. i was just thankful we had shortened schedule so that our 2 periods in physics would be cut off in two. then it would lessen the chances of mr. q. giving us another round of shouting fits which we noticed were getting frequent by the day. but actually, both periods turned out okay. we had an excursion which i enjoyed and we discussed it after, which i enjoyed as well. he was smiling and all of us were smiling. how i wished back then it would be just like that every day. that way, no one gets hurt or angry.

second: i was really pissed off when i heard there was gonna be an honors assembly because i thought and i thought i was sure i wasn't going to get any of those merit cards they were giving out this year. so i sat at the back with my friends, thinking how they would get a lot of those little cards while i will just be sitting, clapping for them. it doesn't really matter to me because i know im happy for them. but what happpened was the exact opposite. i know deep within myself that no matter how hard i try to deny that i don't want to be in the honor roll...it's just won't happen because a much bigger part of me will always wish for that privilege. so when i got called for the academic achievers, i felt i wanted to scream and thank God and go crazy. i never thought i'd get any because i failed in the science and math ao qt which was a big deal because they were major academic subjects. when i went back to my seat, i was thankful enough and didn't expect more but guess what? my name was called again for the honor list. i never thought i'd get in! and i ranked 9th which wasn't so bad considering the grades i had....i felt like i could cry out of ecstasy. and then when i saw hanie...i started feeling sad because she didn't get any. i don't wanna be happy while she pains inside. i know it must have hurt to have your name not called when you know you deserve to be in that list. if only i wasn't so afraid to tell her she didn't need those little cards to prove how intelligent she was. oh well. but generally, i couldn't really be any happier.

third: we had a really wonderful session in the ssg today.im not suppose to tell this but ill tell it anyway. but just the jist.well we had an open forum where we were allowed to say our resentments towards each other and let it out to that person. the president started and told us how he changed because of us. i wanted to object right then and there but i knew if i did, there'd be more misunderstanding. then mark amazed me with his bravery. it was the time where i could really say that he was a hundred and one percent man. a lot of people cried, i cried. hmmmn...i guess the ssg could make you do things you never thought you would do.

*sighs* well those three made my day expect the lame kalesa practice we had. ugh! our adviser is killing me! and i just wanted to snatch her white sandals and slash the heels off. they look very horrid with her yellow dress. well anyway, enough of that blabber. people have strong points and weak points. but sometimes, people have to learn to accept and respect the things that's not really their stuff. well, that's all i can write for now. 'till next time...toodles...

god i just wanna scream how i hate the world

yey! we won the impersonation contest! im so proud but i didn't like the fact the our own adviser wasn't even there to see us win. she hasn't really been much of an adviser...all she does is tell us to clean and clean and then asks us these weird random questions. well whatever. actually i like her when she's not teaching, when she's just being herself or singing with us while we wipe wax on the floors. that is the ms. loro i like because she acts like our age. however, i totally despise her when starts teaching. actually i don't blame her. i blame the fairy godmother or whoever assigned a new teacher to teach the seniors, especially that we're graduating.didn't it ever occured to these old people that we need someone already used with the curriculum to the handle the class? and what is with these stupid grading system? they say the changed it to give everyone a chance to become an honor student! fuck! what's happening right now is the opposite. all the honor student potentials all have flunking grades in quarterly test~ YES the fucking QUARTERLY TESTS. and what's more shit is that they're holding this stupid honors assembly where they give out fuckin certificates. im not insecured because i know im not going to receive one...my issue is WHY NOW? WHY US? we've been through hell with MR. quinones already and now mr. pacayra won't even talk to us. ms. loro's class sucks all my love i have for english and other teachers are just ghh! i don't know! im starting to hate school which is pretty extreme for me because i love school. and i love my teachers and my classmates. but right now, it's just hate. i hate em all. i hate the teachers who hate us and i hate going to school. oh and i won't 4get to say how hurt i was when mr. q who i though was my favorite teacher called the whole class DUMB FOUR times. i felt like i just wanted to stand up and say everything was his fault because he expected more than what we could give. we are not einteins who could get why we need to have this force to act on this body in a fraction of a second. and we are not a heap of stupid children who need shouts to understand. if he just delivered the lesson calmly and not shout then maybe we could understand. and now he has guts to wonder why students are fuckin afraid of him.

he said hate is such a strong word yet he stirs it up in every inch of us. he should learn that even young people could carry emotions that only the devil could feel. he's showing us hell and he's teaching me to hate him. i don't want to because i still think we have a connection beyond a student-teacher relationship. if i met him in a different circumstance, im sure he'd have been my best friend. i don't wanna hate anyone but the real world requires that. a lot of people say love makes the world go round. i guess love got sick and asked hate to do the job.

ah shit

my life is beginning to get fucked up like hell. for one second i thought i could do these things and the next im stumbling out of control. im missing out a lot and i just had a failing mark in math which was surprise for me because i thought i understood what mr. pacayra was saying and when i solved the items, they seemed pretty solvable....i mean i can't even talk without people reprimanding me to shut up and the teachers suddenly have all these stupid shouting fits that they throw without a real reason. i mean students do not learn that way...the more they shout at us, the more stupid we become....i never wished nor hoped i would ever come near a point where i would hate school...because normallly...i do not spend a lot of time hating because i believe life is too fuckin short for that. we do not live by cursing but yes i fucking use all these fuckin profanities because its the only outlet i see...everything is starting to drain away...my inspiration is gone...i can't even write shit...im loosing everything that i have and people don't even see that. i try so fuckin hard to be someone that everyone will appreciate but now i realize that will be a waste of my time because people will always notice mistakes. im tired and im sick. and people don't even care. they tell me to be myself and when i do they tell me to change. the devil! and to think they tell you not to hate. because hate is such a strong word because hate is the devil...well i HATE the world...i hate the PEOPLE in it and I HATE myself....i used to be someone optimistic but i don;t think the world works that way...people die other people live...everything's just unfair...u can;t expect to be resilient anymore..people don't have that fuckin oppurtunity anymore...we gonna grab everything that's pushed up in our face....

shoppin (again)

i love it when my mom gets her salary and we [her me and my sister] get to shop around the city. and i get to buy new clothes haha...it was wonderful because i got a new shirt and a new rusty skirt. but what was even cooler was when we went to this italian restaurant called Leni's Garden. oh but wasn't it the most beautiful and peaceful restaurant ive ever seen. everywhere u turn there was always green...there was this beautiful bridge and a beautiful pond and two noisy but adorable myna birds. they were really noisy but u would love it. they were all 'good morning', 'hello', then when u try to talk back, one would squeal 'quiet' while the other would quack like it was some kind of an insane goose. we tried to teach them to say 'bulhoot' but all that they would say are 'hello' or 'quiett!!!!' they were tons of fun. then we ordered the restaurant's specialty which were this really orange and VERY delicious spare ribs...and then i had a mango shake and an orange creme brule and some choco-topped waffles and some bananana and mango crepe. they were all delicious, esp. the spare ribs. it was pork with this beautiful cauli flower side dish...uh...i could still taste it in my mouth...the waffles were kind of hard..but good and the crepe was a little creepy but i liked it...haha...soryy my writing is kind of lame...im lacking inspirationg from all the abhors of patinikan. but it was all worth it..the tears...the sweat...the risk of causing my throat a cancer...it was all good.