Wordless Thoughts

My words are lost and I don't know where to find them.

It's been a good five months since I've written anything and every time I begin to write a letter, I develop this funny thing inside my stomach, and suddenly the words begin to disappear. It maybe the so-called "Writers' Block" or it may also be that I never was a writer after all. I mean, retrospectively, what have I written? All those beautiful words stolen from beautiful writers, all those unfinished stories, all those lies? I'm supposed to show the real me in my words but those are gone. Maybe I'm not going to find out who I really am after all.


So lately I've been thinking about writing a whole new chapter of my writing career. Something out of scratch, something that I will read ten years later and boast to my friends that "I wrote this crap". Love stories are where everybody starts. But I don't want to write love stories anymore because every time I do, it always ends unfinished. And I know why. Because I've never been in love. I though I had but I hadn't. It's funny how the words wouldn't come when you're writing something that never happened. It's like a writing law that's been there. Nobody knows it exists but it does and it stops people from writing what they're not. And I respect that law so I'm not going to write anything about love unless I know what it really is, unless I've experienced what people say as "painful happiness"

I can't write about life either. Not because I don't have one but because I'm still 16 and I still have a lot to learn about the world. I've been bragging about how mature I am but the truth is I'm as juvenile as any other kid my age. I also will not write about death. Not because I'm afraid of it but because I've never seen it. I know it and remember it but I haven't been as close to death as a lot of people had been.

I will write however of beauty and strenght and courage.Because I know that even if I don't look the part of a major character in a fairytale, I'm still part of a story. A story that has yet to be written and may have already been written. I don't know where the words will take me, how pauses and periods would make me, but I'll keep on living like Cinderella and Snow White. I will face my own evil-step-mother with courage and I fill find my prince. Or, I will wait for him to come because that is what damsels-in-distress do. But I am not a damsel-in-distress. I am not a spunky princess either. I'm caught in between, between lying in my glass coffin waiting for the kiss to wake me up and riding on a horse in hopes of finally having that fateful meeting where I will touch the hand of a boy and know that he's the one.

I will write of frustration. Because that is what I have. I will put to words the strange moments when I cried just because I have run out of reasons or the time when I threw everything because I lost. ANd then I will write about how I smiled again, and the reasons why. About how I picked everything and tried to fix it. About the times when I spent too much that I almost pawned the necklace that my mom gave me.

I will write about impossible dreams and ambitions. About me being a Japanese singer and marrying a Japanese long-haired actor in a red hoodie and cargo pants. About having the perfect hair, loosing my imperfections and just being perfect while I breathe on the chest of my guy, feeling his hands on my waist as we dance along the melody of some old love song. I will write about having a car and walking around the mall with my friends, with people staring and admiring my perfection. I will write about me making a movie with Billy Zane, Daniel Radcliffe, Leonardo di Caprio and Zac Efron.

In all possible ways, I will write about me. About the million reasons why I make a good person. I will make a list of the people I love and make another list of the reasons why I love them. I will write about the books that I thought was about me, was for me...about the writers whose works I called my own. I will write words about words, about wordless thougths and wordless reasons. About songs and music and melody and keys. I will write about my loneliness, my selfishness, my imperfect perfect self.

I will eat words, chew them and feel them swirling inside me and I will let them out at the perfect moment where I could just sit, smell the rain and be a "true" writer. And then when my words get lost again, I will find them everywhere, in the stories of my favorite authors, in the magical kingdoms of my favorite fairytales, in the smallest experiences that make my life "a life". And if they come to me at last, I will take a pen, a paper, turn on my computer, and I will scribble them so they never get away from me again. But if I don't find them, I will simply take my clothes off, wait for the rain to come and dance and laugh and cry in it naked. I will stay naked and wet and incomplete until I find them. I will wait for the right words, true words and when they finally find me...I will surrender.