Finally

Today I give up. Really give up.

It's been almost two years since I acknowledged the fact that I could love you. It has been a Christmas ago when I realized that I already did. And it's been two months when I decided to give up on you. But it has only been now that I finally accepted that you're not for me, and I'm not for you.

I've finally realized that maybe I wasn't in love with you after all. I was in love with the idea of loving you and the possibility of you loving me back. Now that idea's crumbling before my eyes, and I see you for what you truly are—a boy who is frustratingly clueless of how special he is. And I am just sick of dropping clues that you'll never pick up and reading signs that you didn't even put up. We are just friends. And it's time that I accept that, that's all we'll ever be.

Why does it always have to be me to make the first move? To send the first text? To buzz the first message? Clearly, you're not interested. And it's common sense for me to walk away. I should have walked away sooner.

Maybe in the distant future when I've realized my daydreams, you'd want me. You'd want me when I'm prettier, skinnier, more refined. Maybe you would all finally treat me like a girl, not the friend you can bully anytime you're bored. Because I wasn't born smart without a reason. I've been sharpening that hatchet, and I swear that when before I turn thirty, it will all have hit you in the crotch.

But I will tell you this truth: you made me happy. The times I spent with you are memories I would never regret having. I don't regret loving you, even if it might have been all an illusion. I don't regret meeting you, and I doubt that I ever will. You have made me special in your strange, awkward way, and thank you for that. Thank you for making me feel like you could love me, even though now I know you probably never would. Thank you for your messages that made me smile and kept me all night thinking. Thank you for the words you have laid out for my fingers to find. Thank you for inspiring me to write again. Thank you for your smile and your dimples. Thank you for being alive. Thank you for being my friend.

But these are the last words I will write for you. And these are the last words I will write about you. This I promise.