another love rant ('cause I just have to let it out dammit)

Here it comes again, this sick feeling at the bottom of my stomach. I find it hard breathing and there is only one thing on my mind, him.

I want to think that this is just the result of being together all the time, especially these past couple of days, and me not having anyone else to vent all my romantic frustrations on. I've been over this feeling last Christmas and I don't want it back. No matter how bright and warm it makes me feel, I don't want it back. I know it'll disappear soon and I'll be left wondering again if this is the real thing or the product of my post-menstrual hormones. I'll be left wondering too if he ever felt the same way or if he feels the same way about me as he does with the rest of our friends.

But God! He looked amazing in that motorcycle that I can't help but feel that tingling sensation all over again. I was caught off guard. He looked so strong, so in-control, and it deviates so much from what I see in him everyday that I just let it bring my guard down. And now that it has shattered, here I am writing it down because I'm finding that there is no way I can get him off my mind. I can't stop thinking about him it drives me nuts!

I just wish that this is just one of those romantic phases I get myself into when my hormones are all shaken up and I just need a guy to think about and afterwards when my hormones have calmed down, I can easilly shake off those feelings. Gah! This will hurt me bad when I see him again and he's back into his silent, indifferent, kind-of-awkward self. I like him for being those things because I've never liked silent guys and it's refreshing for me but it just makes me all confused. I have a tendency to read into things too much and doing that with him breaks my heart. Sometimes, he's the annoying kind of indifferent that I don't like, sometimes he's the gentleman who carries the grocery bag for you, sometimes I don't even notice his presence, and then there is the time when I just think he looks like a total rockstar and I just don't care about everything else. It's soo frustrating!

Then there is another theory left. I'm probably becoming desperate and I'm becoming paranoid because of that desperation. I just don't see how I'm still not close to having a relationship. I'm twenty and I really need that kind of security. I don't want to end up single like they say smart girls always do. I want to be able to love and be loved in that cliched, stupid, and romantic way.