My New Years Resolution

I know it's not New Year but I've never felt like wanting to change this much.

Perhaps it's from watching Kimi ni Todoke for one week straight and playing it over and over again in my mind and in my laptop just because I'm bored and because their love story is, I now realize, the love story I have been dreaming all my life.

And I kind of want to be more like Sawako even though I know there are not a lot of men like Kazehaya. Just seeing myself in Kurumi makes me want to change as much as she does, too. So I will change, for the better.

I will be honest. I've never really been completely honest with anyone. Whenever I deal with people, I always put up a face to make me more look more cool or feel more human or seem like a person with little psychological deficiencies.

But the truth is, I am a big GIANT nerd. I try to be cool but I guess being a nerd is cool, too. I make it seem that I'm very nice but I'm a bitch. First of all, one of the things I envy about Sawako is that she can spend 2 hours with a person without talking and not feel awkward at all. Shy and embarrassed, yes, considering the person she's with is the boy she likes but there's never or little awkward moment between them both. When I'm with a boy that I like, I feel like I have to keep talking, even to the point of bringing up ridiculous topics, just to feel comfortable. Sometimes, the periods of silence are okay but they leave me too much room to think. When I think, I tend to be conscious of myself. What I tend to think of myself when I'm self-aware isn't really great so I end up feeling bad and inferior. I make some excuse, stand up, and walk away. Yes, I'm awkward.

I also lie a lot to keep other people's expectations of me stable and because I can't seem to help it, especially when I know the lie is going to make a good conversation topic. I love the feeling of telling a story, even though sometimes they're not really mine to tell or sometimes they are partly or mostly fabricated. I tell lies to think people I'm strange. When you're strange, people pay attention to you. I love attention, I feed off from people's attention. And this is exactly what makes me like Kurumi. I know how to shed enough spotlight on my ego for it to keep its weight and how to turn it away from me and shut up long enough for people to like me. I don't know if it makes me dishonest. I don't know if being over-calculating and having an annoying tendency to analyze the tinniest bits of details of other people's actions and words make me dishonest but I think I've built my ability to mingle with others that way. Anyway, it's too late to change that side of me.

So, in light of all my dishonesty and social fronting, I will stop telling lies for a change. Like, NOT LIE AT ALL. There are a lot of things I could do to keep myself from lying and I've got a looot of time to try all of them. And maybe once I've learned to be more true to others and especially to myself, I can feel more human and less of a phony.

I'll also try to work on my mental deficiencies. I'm not totally nuts but I know I have a slight trace of insanity in me. I could be a bipolar for all I know! I do know I have inferiority-superiority complex. And I could be a sex addict once I've actually tried it. And I have serious anger management issues. The kind that leads to self-injury and God forbid, to a criminal train of thought. This is what scares me the most. I know I can hurt someone if I'm really angry. I'm pretty violent when I'm extremely pissed and I wouldn't want anybody to ever see that side of me. So, what I'm going to do is work on my self-confidence (to give me less reasons to be angry at the world) and stop swearing.

Profanity, though it somehow makes us feel better, kind of fuels our anger and frustration. That's not good so I will practice to cuss less. Won't be easy but I'll try.

I'm going back to Cebu this morning and I have three weeks ('till Boracay) to change and I'm sure I'm going to do my best to make Sawako and Kazehaya proud if they were real. So here it is. My very late New Year's Resolution post.